14-year old Step-Son Rebellious & Angry, I'm just Fed Up!

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I married DH one year ago, with him came a 14yo son who lives with us full time. I have to say that prior to us moving in together the SS had no responsibilitites, was allowed to do whatever he wanted, and would often play his x-box 24-7, while being waited on by his dad and grandma. When we moved in together 1 year ago some house rules were put into place. SS was told that he would be responsible for a couple of chores, namely taking out the trash at night and cleaning his bedroom and bathroom on Saturdays. 20 minutes of chores per week tops! His internet time was cut down to 3 hours per day in an attempt to get him outside and meeting new friends and doing other things. I have struggled with DH & SS since the first month. DH hates conflict and did not want to enforce any rules or chores so SS would always forget about his chores and constantly had to be reminded to take out the trash, clean his room, etc. SS would "forget" everytime I asked him to do something, pick-up something or put something away, or he would just plain say I didn't tell him to do that. DH would't acknowledge that SS wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing and would ignore it unless I got angry and told him that he needed to do something about his son's behavior. DH and I had constant conflicts about him not enforcing the chores and rules of the house. SS was rude, ungreatful for everything and felt that everybody owed him something. I tried to talk to SS, include him in the things we were doing, and was concerned about how he felt. SS wouldn't talk, became increasingly angry and became even more rebellious. We started him in counseling 7 months ago to work on his issues and nothing has changed. One year later, I am at my wits end. Things have gotten even worse. SS does not listen to anything I say, if I ask him to do something he does the exact opposite or just doesn't do it at all. He often says "I forgot" or "You didn't say that". He often ignores me and wont answer when I talk to him and is donwright rude. That is, unless he wants something, then he can be very nice. He has become very resentful of me and shows it every time I ask him to do something. He has told us numerous times that he hates living with us, would rather live with his mom (who is very irresponsible, cant hold a job, doesn't have a place to live most of the time and is very undependable - but lets SS do whatever he wants, whenever he wants) I have found that he has cut on himself at times and now wants to dress goth. You cant get him out of bed in the mornings without making 10 trips downstairs to wake him up (I've stopped trying and told DH that it was his job from now on) SS has to be told to take a shower everyday, take his medicines, brush his teeth, wear clean clothes, etc... Which always brings on a new argument with him. He acknowledges that he doesn't do what I ask him to do "the majority of the time" and his attitude is "so". I am fed up and ready to divorce DH just to get away from the SS. He is driving me crazy and raising my stress levels to the max. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 1 year. I have 2 kids 19 & 23 and am familiar with the "teenage years". I expect to have some conflict once in awhile, but this is everyday!! I dont know what to do about it but am getting very resentful towards the SS. I am to the point that I just told DH that I'm not doing another thing for SS. Not cooking for him, taking him anywhere, buying him anything, etc., until he decides that he wants to be part of the family make an effort. I will not wake him up or tell him to do anything. DH will have to deal with him as I cant handle the stress anymore. Of course DH doesn't want to do it on his own, and I don't know in the long run if I can keep my mouth shut with things that are happening in my house. Anyone going through something similar? Any suggestions? I'm not sure what else to do.

I am going through the same thing!

I read your post and can totally relate to your situation. I have 1 16 Y/O SS and it has been hell since I married his mother. If you read my post "Need unbiased advice" you will understand my situation. I too feel I have aged about 20 years! This weekend was he last straw as I can not take anymore stress in regards to my SS. I have thrown in the towel! I love my wife, but now realize that she will never change her disregard to her sons actions. I must be able to have some sort of happiness in my life and right now I am far from happy. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I have been dealing with this for over 6 years now and I have no answers. I wish you the best and hope that a solution presents itself to you. Good luck-
dspyder

Same Situation

I am living the same same situation, i used to be this happy go lucky always in a good mood kind of guy, now i am a broken down miserable person who has aged 10 years in the past 3, I have also posted my situation and hope to get some good advice but my gut instinct is simply count your losses, lick your wounds and start fresh and in my case i hope to emerge from this situation wiser and stronger

Hope it helps

You just described my situation!!! I am glad I am not alone

I am going trough the same thing too!!! It's amazing, I married my husband 4 months before his 14 year old son moved in with us. And he acts JUST LIKE your step son. He is sooo lazy, he spent one day playing computer games for 11 hours!!! He would eat in front of the computer and won't pick up his plate or messes (Which included toe nails) He does nothing, but play videogames all day after school, and all day during the weekeneds. I am tired of it. He doesn't have any friends (and doesn't want to), he doesn't do any sports, he just eats and eats, because he is hungry ALL the time. My husband doesn't discipline him, instead he buys things for him when we go to the store, anything the kid wants, my husband buys!!! He just doesn't know how to say NO. I guess he feels guilty for putting his child trough a divorce. Back to the SS, he is so messy, I have told him so many times to pick after himself, but he ALWAYS, ALWAYS "forgets" (seems to me he has passive-agressive syndrome). He won't take a shower unless my husband asks him. He has been unshowered for 5 days!! One day he didn't feel like going to school, and my husband said to him "then don't go" I got so upset!!!! he has no responsabilities at home, and he doesn't want to go to school, my husband is raising a PERFECT SLOB (just like SS's mother) In all these months he's been living with us, he has only clean his room once, just once!! and because my husband helped him. His room smells just like a garbage disposal, I won't go in there. If he showers, he will wear the same dirty clothing he was wearing before getting into the shower. That is so disgusting, if I had children of my own, I can be sure they'll never be as PIGS as he is. He doesn't have any table manners or manners of any kind, and I get upset because my husband won't teach him manners!!! My husband has to wake him up for school every day, I will never do it.
The only things that I do for this child is cook and laundry. Because we all need to eat and we all need to wear clean clothing. Other things, like homework, shower, school, waking him up, picking up his messes, etc, I don't do, I let his father handle those things, I know if I do everything for my SS I won't be appreciated. And I will turn into his persobnal maid.
The child needs to be discipline by his bio parent. You just married a man, you don't have to deal with the baggage.

stepchild

Perhaps as well as the disengagement, also be as kind as possible since the stepchildren carry the memory of the step parent (all parents) to their graves or at least well into their advanced years, and we influence them in ways that we are not even aware of. Even though we only may do laundry and cook, the example we set speaks louder than words. Loving disengagement is healthy. If we believe in a higher power, we should pray that we have unconditional love to be able to hold our tongue in a nonconfrontational way or perhaps speak a word or two of wisdom at a timed moment or have an unexpected kindness. These behaviors will engrain and they will be remembered on a deep level long after they're on their own.

Beautiful advice, Well Put.

I agree with how we should

I agree with how we should love our children, but that doesn't mean we have to "tolerate" the behavior. My experience is the person who is the biological parent isn't being a parent very well. Parents have gotten lazy these days, I remember being a kid and I knew to respect my parents because they weren't afraid to punish me. They loved me much but I was the kid and they were the parents. To this day I still respect my parents more than ever because of the struggles with my SS and me! I have an awesome relationship with with my parents even tho I could be rebelling!

Loving our children doesn't mean being nice to them, if we don't do what is necessary to discipline and teach them the importance of listening (if that means spanking!) then we are teaching them it's ok to be disobedient. And yes we are doing these things to them. I truly feel that parents are being brain washed by people that say "love your child"! You know what? I wanna see what happens in your house and see how you react!

I'm 24, my wife is 11 years older with 2 kids of her own 14, and 12, and we have our own little girl that's 9 months.
I love my family very much, but we need to stand our ground as parents and not let fear overcome us, my wifes biggest problem is she yells at them 10 times before they listen, I come in and they don't move by the time I say it 3 times I instantly ground them or bring them to there room. I leave them for about 30 minutes and they REALIZE WAIT I SHOULDN'T ACT LIKE THIS I SHOULD TRY AND BE MORE OBEDIENT. I have many times been told by her family that her kids have changed because I'm acting the way a parent should and now the kids are listening fairly well. Your voice does nothing!! unless you act on what you say!

TG I though I was going mad

I am a step mom of 4 kids. The 3 girls live with mom. 17 and 10 year old are fully alienated against father and the 7 year old is not permitted to talk or see him. The 15 year old lives with dad and his mother walked away from him 4.5 years ago. Seen him only 7 times since then.

Court 7.5 years going on 40 appearances. She has finally managed to get dad thrown in jail a month ago for assault... caught on camera -- him walking awy, she charging through the door and bouncing off of his body when he turned to see the comotion... Yeah assault! My tushy!

Anyways, my question is this... my step son has a mild learning disability and very low self -esteem.(working on both) very hard with him, since he sees every effort as an insult to his intelligence. However, he has recently decided that he wants to stand up for himself and only does it with me. I am at my wits end with his talking back to me, not doing what he is asked to do, won't do homework, chores, he sits infront of gaming system and does NOTHING. Dad is now feeling total depression over the loss of his children, even though he has visitation rights, she won't bring them... Police don't get involved and the family law system in Ontario, Canada is all for the poor, helpless, biomother! the one that poisons the children... sorry off topic. Dad is depressed and I am trying to get him into councelling and feels that I should cater to his son because I should feel sorry for him.

UMM NO!

I need to hear that there is hope and that this kid will not take out his anger issues and frustrations out on me because his mother has abandoned him and he has some serious abandonment issues. He challenged to me hit him this past weekend.

I am so worried... and upset... and now I am a surety for my fiance so I can't leave or he goes back to jail.

Anyone with similar experience, please tell me the outcome...

Thank you
AJ

Seems we are not alone

My girlfriends little demon is like what you describe only worse hes is rude laughs in your face with ridiculous answers when asked to do something and the most maddening part is that in her eyes he doesn't do nothing wrong i am the bad person ??? for always complaining about her snot nosed undisciplined unruly pathetic excuse of a son ( i swear i have come so close to beating the C#$% out him) i hate the person i have become because of her son behavior issues and her lack of not doing anything about it and then trying to blame me!!!! see my post for further details you will see we are not alone!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

My situation is very similar

My situation is very similar to yours as well, my fiances son is 16 too. He leaves messes in every room of the house and is verbaly abusive to his father and anyone that dare speak to him in a manner he does not approve of. He controls our house as well. He always gets his way even if his bf says no in the beginning he always gives in, the kid is very very obnoxious. He does not seem to have any friends, just one you hear of once in a while. He wants to be in the middle of everything and has to butt in his two cents worth on our conversations many times, especially if it is about money, if I mention doing something he states we cannot afford to do that, I dont remember him or his lazy ass mother contributing any money to this household, so I want to say mind your business and shut your big ignorant mouth, but I cannot because fiance thinks the kid walks on water. So, beleive me i know how you feel. We can only pray for graduation and that they leave. Find their own way in life, if they have enough brains too. Most teens when they graduate want to move out and get their own life, but we will see what the kid is made of and we will know in two yrs. Pray Pray Pray for them to get a life.

My situation is also

My situation is also similiar to yours, and if you and your husband cannot get on the same page, It only gets worse and the problems get bigger as the ss gets older. It all starts when they are young teach them responsibility and raise a kid to become an adult. This should be you and your spouses goal for the well being of your child.

Wow, I can't believe how many

Wow, I can't believe how many kids are like this. My ss's are the same. BF and I have 2 babies together and for the past 2 yrs I have asked for the ss's not to leave knives on the edge of the table or where the babies can get it.. Of course since they don't listen to anything I say they always put it on the edge. My bd almost took her foot off and they thought it was funny. Three weeks ago I was putting the youngest to bed and my bd wanted a chip from ss#15 and he flipped out on her and then me. He was so close to punching me in the face and all I could think was do it!!! Let me put your butt in jail buddy. As usual daddy dearest didn't do a damm thing. I must of said something to get him upset and cause it.

I wish the bm would step up and take her kids back!!!!!!!!!

I truly understand what you

I truly understand what you are going through....I married my husband 5 years ago I brought 3 kids into the relationship only one lives with us and he brought 2 which both live with us. My problem stems with the 19 yr old...he has always treated me with disrespect but then again he treats his own mother that way...He has always been very spoiled gets everything he wants from his mother...his father and I have limits since he isn't the only child. But his mother gives him anything he asks for...He never has to work for anything...always has money in his pocket and gets every video game or movie ETC. that he wants...he left for school the other day and came home with a mini van and a brand new pair of nike shoes...I was beside myself since my husband and I made the rule that none of the kids could get a vehicle until they had a job and could pay for it themselves. Besides that I feel like I am everyones maid because none of the kids do anything including clean their rooms...I do everything...I cook for not only them but half the time their boyfriends and girlfriends. I clean up after tham constantly...well I put a new rule into place the other day...They all had to come straight home from school and clean their rooms and anything else I asked them to do before thay could go out the 19 yr old SS didn't like this and when I told him to make his bed he made it alright...so I told him to make it again and he proceeded to tell me F*** You this is stupid and I wasted my gas to come home for this...this is a kid that has told me more than once that my house is more his house then mine...so I proceeded to call him a spoiled b**** and he called me a B*****...well I told him to get out of the house and not to come back...not a very good thing to do..it has turned my house upside down!!!! I love my SS don't get me wrong but I will not let him treat me like he treats his mother which by the way is supposed to pay child support and owes us over 7000.00 but yet she can do these things for her son. nevermind the fact that she does nothing for her daughter. Now the other dilema is that my husbands brother and mother have let the SS move in with them which I feel he should have gone with his mother since she is the one who made him the way he is...but here is the kicker the mothers boyfriend doesn't want her son there. what does that tell you? My husband has tried to deal with him and has stood by my decisions but it is tearing the rest of us apart. I just hope that I did the right thing

I feel ya

I almost fell into that same situation, marrying a man who has a rebellious BS. We had just started dating when my BF ex kicked out their 12y/o BS. He came to live with dad that was almost 5yrs ago, and we still live apart, his son is a mess pretty much what all of you have described, my BF and I got engaged but the issue with his son was always a world war, I stood back asked for some advice and decided to call off the engagement and to let BF know that he and his BS should not move in with me. I know if they did we would not be together so for now what ever goes on at his place is removed from me and I can live with that, let BF deal with the angry BS then maybe he will get tired of it and kick him to the curb or at the least make him become more a member of society!! maybe a trial seperation????

Same situation here

It has come to a boiling point at our house. SD14 has always been disrespectful to both me and her father. He always excuses it, but it has gotten out of control. She wants to go live with BM, and he's going to let her. Maybe removing everyone from the situation will help out in the long run.

Don't know what to say to help you, but there ARE others out there in the same situation!

Same situation

WOW! Reading your post seems like I wrote a good part of it. My fiance decided to leave the house with his daughter16 who was living with me and my kids. She wasnted to give live with her pschotic mother who couldn't hold down a job. Thankfully we never got married and I never added his name on the ownership of the house.

Although I am going through grieving the loss of my fiance, there is great relief in the fact I don't have to deal with his daughters issues and his lack of seeing reality.

I wish I could give you advice...I guess you have to consider is it worth going through hell while loving your DH?

Old Post but I can relate

Spelle7645 and I have the same SS (except the goth part and SS is 16)

You have to tell the SS16 to get out of bed in the morning, put one foot in front of the other-remind him to do EVERYTHING-and when you do he rolls his eyes and says "I KNOOOOWWW"

Spelle7645 must have the same DH as I have as well!

DH has been away the past two days (I have long ago disengaged)-SS has not brushed his teeth or washed since Daddy isn't there to tell him to.

Giong to be an interesting future for SS16 is all I can say!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Your situation sounds like

Your situation sounds like mine. I hate the "I knoooowww" response. Can you tell me how to "disengage"? I'm not really sure what that means. I'm brand new to this sight. I've been a step mom for a year and a half and it's really bothering me and my ss16 as well. help

OMG - Won't get any better until DH steps up

As someone who has survived 2 teenbrat skid groundsloths (out of 5), I can tell you one thing: YOU CAN'T FIX THIS. ONLY HIS FATHER CAN.

If Dad doesn't step up and start to parent, there is nothing you can do but drive yourself crazy. SS knows damn well that he doesn't have to do anything you say, and it probably amuses him to watch you get frustrated. At some level he probably knows if he tries hard enough he can drive you right out of "his" house! In the meantime he has some pretty good maid service and a cook.

My DH created monsters by not parenting, and now SS22 is in and out of jail ("anger issues" they say) while the other is a drug addict on the streets hooking for coke. She was "goth" in her teen years too. We finally had to kick them both out, and they were so unprepared for life that they went under pretty fast. I completely blame DH for this, as I had disengaged about a year prior. We couldn't rescue them, so we rescued ourselves from them.

You know the serenity prayer part that says "God grant me the wisdom to know the difference?" This is one situation you cannot change.

If we could change these situations we certainly would!

I'm with Sarah....

I have a BS who is 14 and they do need to be told more than once to do stuff. BUT...I ground his butt when he's disrepectful, and although he too plays xbox, he's very active in all school sports and skiing on the weekends. He's with friends all the time. He's also hungry all the time! BUT, he pays for all his entertainment...movies, Taco Bell, etc (he had a summer job).

I'm with Sarah...YOU can't change this...only your DH can. Sit down with him and have a serious chat!

Sons

My 2 ss are the same in all reagrds.I would rather throw them out with the trash than try any more after 3 years. no results. even worse. They learned mysogyny from their deadbeat dad. They are headded right for the same lives. Please send me some sort of advice before I throw them out. I hate them and what they are. Can't have the Deabeat help in any way. He will refuse it ( he used to just phone them every few weeks or so but lived minutes away) but he got a dose of irony by having a massive disabling stroke just before xmas. GOOD FOR HIM! He deserved it. Any help will be appreciated. Thank you. God bless all of you.

DIFFICULT SS-14

I am a young buck. 26 yrs old to be exact. I married my DW almost 2 years ago and with that marriage came my teenage stepson. He has an attitude a lot like the kids that have been described on this site. For his sake I won't kick too much dirt on his name. He has the potential to be a well behaved person later on in life. For now though it seems like everything he says he lays on the sarcastic remarks or rude undertones. Unless he talking about his beloved video games (which I can only take so much of.) I came here partly to vent and also to look for advice. He's going on 15 now and I have the sinking suspicion things are only going to get worse.

I've tried talking with him, bribing him, ironing clothes, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning and just being a friend. None of it has garnished the respect I deserve, and he still treats me like crap.

I am about to blow my fuse and bop him over the head a couple times, but before that is there something else I can do?

detach

I have heard in this site that detaching is the way to go and the thing to do...Just stop trying to gain his respect, stop trying to be his personal maid...just be polite and tranquil...don't force the parenting issues and let the mom be the mom.

5 YO SS. i.e. "Spawn of Satan"

HELP!!! At this point, I really don't know what to do. My step son is the loudest, non-listening child I have ever been around. I have a nine year old girl and he also has a ten year old sister; they act fine. He is just really "riding" my last nerve.

I plan activities for all of us, since we recently started having them over almost every weekend. The bad part about this is that my husband works most of the time when they are here and has to hear about the disobedience, so it probably seems like I'm exaggerating. My sister stays with me, works for Child Protective Services and said that she would have to "hand in her badge" if she had to deal with him.

I tell him to do something, he ignores me. I tell him to lower his voice, i.e. "Use your inside voice." and he acts like everyone around him is deaf. He's stubborn as all hell.

I try because I DO love him and he is the cutest thing, but when his "horns" come out, which has been every ten minutes, I want to scream! What doesn't help is that his mom will tell him something and I see him act like she didn't say anything, so how can I expect him to listen to me???? I don't tolerate this from my biological child, so why should I tolerate this just so he will not think I am "the wicked stepmother"? HELPPPPP!!!!

same here but worse

i understand what all of you are going through, but i have to say i have all of you beat by a long shot, my ss came into my life when he was 2yrs, and though he was a cute little boy, dh never had ground rules of anykind for him. when my ss was 11 he was still living with his bm, but dh wanted him to live with us, i agreed of course because i loved him, and we always got along, dh and i have not, so we went to court and only have temp. custody for past 2yrs because we havent been back to court. sinse ss came into this house, he has never been given any responsibilities, no rules, no discipline and no consequences to anything he does, he got introuble at school for misusing school computers, looking up normal size male parts(to say it nicely) and women underwear, went to iss for 3days, and when dh asked him about it he told dad a big lie, and dad threw referal in trash and took ss word over teachers, ss makes all his own rules, tells his dad what he is going to do, doesnt do any chores at house, failing in school, and so much more, and gets away with it, when dh treats me disrespectful, so does ss, and dh condones it, to a ttttttttttttttt and tell ss he doesnt have to listen to me that i wasnt his mother. a year before ss came to live with us, my dh told my ss to make problems at his bm house with his sf. said when sf told him to do something to do, for my ss to tell him no, that he is not his dad and he isn't going to listen, and thats exactly what he did. this was a boy i loved as my own, and he and dh has turned on me something awful, and before you ask why i'm still here, don't ask, because i haven't got the answer for anyone except that i love dh. crazy as it sounds.... dh and ss treat me bad and use me, they only want a wife and mother when it is conveinent for them, when they need me they are just the greatest two. dh wants me to take all the responsibilities of ss, i'm made to work and support half of all bills, and ss, i'm expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, taxing, shopping etc. for ss, but if i tell him to do anything dh throws a fit, and then its silence between me and dh for days on end.....ss is the same, almost lost his teeth at 13yrs old, now almost 14.5yrs old, dad had spent a fortune on dentist, and ss appreciate it,,,,not at all hasnt brushed in months, dh will tell him to every once in awhile, but it still goes undone. ss is running my household, setting rules for dh to live by and dh does it, and lets ss get what he wants, ss loves to cause problems between dh and me all the time, if dh does happen to get onto ss, for something(not often) ss knows i was behind it, and then he treats me even worse...sinse we only have temp cust. of ss, i told husband i want ss out of this house, of course dh is way mad about this, but he needs me to stand up in court and tell judge all is well here, and it would be best for ss to be perm. placed with us, not.....i already told dh, i would not do this. so for 2yrs now dh only has temp cust, bm wants him to go back to her, but dh bribes ss to stay... she has just recently said she was getting attorney to fight for him, but she too, isn't any better than dh. both dh and bm want to be ss buddy, then they don't have to step up and take responsibility to actually be a parent, i keep telling dh if he doesnt put his foot down on ss he will be the one to pay in the long run, because ss will never be able to hold down job, dh willl have to support him and if he marries an has children, dh will have to support them too, and sinse dh hands everything to him on a silver platter, that if dh didn't give ss what he wants as an adult too, he would be visiting ss in jail, because he will have to steal for what he wants, anyway this is my vent, not glad to hear anyone else is going through this, but its nice to know i'm not the only step parent having to go through this alone.

rebellious and angry

that sums up my stepdaughter, and she would be in jail except her mother protects her and just as rebellious and angry as she is.
I can only keep her out of our lives and to face her own demons, she creates.... as she is not just nasty with us.
I saw on a public police report someone threw a brick through her window. I bet she is messing with lots of people and it will get worse, which is why she won't be coming to my house. She can stay with her mom until she's 40 for all I care, as long as she keeps her ass away from here.
She will be getting into more and more trouble as time goes on as her boldness and evil deeds will increase. She can bring all that to her bio mom, not us as we aren't accepting her BS/ stories/ con pitches.
If my husband starts to want to see her he can do it away from me and if he insists she be in our lives at some point, I will divorce him because there is noooooooo way I'm going to deal with that lil bytch.

I know I am going through

I know I am going through the total same thing, except SD plays a sweet little angel infront of her dad (to me anyway she treats him like sh*t all the time) Now we have joint custody of her 4 days one week, 5 the next. As a step in the "let's save our marriage direction" I sat down and told DH that we need to sit down with all the kids and have "rules laid out" which my kids know and respect my rules as there are not unreasonable. Sd 13 has a cell phone we bought her for christmas and as long as she keeps a C average we pay it. (even though with my son he has to stay on honor roll at least a 3.5 which he always has had a 3.8 or 4.0 to keep his!) We had to take her phone away in january because after getting her report card (which her mom said was good) she had 2 D's & an F. It took her 7weeks to bring them up!!! ANyway I said the rules are I already do EVERYTHING in this house their jobs are to pick up after themselves(as sd won't even throw her trash way or put her dirty clothes in the hamper she throws dirty socks and panties (thongs?) in the hall for all to see) and keep their rooms clean. And a chore a week. Also that SD can not take her phone to school. Even on the days she is with her MOTHER. She does everyday. Momsays"well SD said you guys said at my house I make the rules?H said nope under no reason does that phone go to school. Well I am sure she has it with her right now! and H during the week when SD isn't here he says I am done I am going to just take it away? Ya right!" H says "well i know what SD is going to say I am not even here all the time why should I have to do anything? Are you kidding me? If that is a reality then we have JC she lives no where full time and how can she get away with it? I said "I guarentee her other doesn't pick up after her!" ergo NO MEETING!! he didn't want to put her in a bad mood since she was being nice..(ya telling her dad he disgusts her..over and over and over...
ANd this is nothing compared to my first post about the "diary" WILD AND CRAZY BM-SD
"Why doesn't the BM get it, if they knew how to keep their men happy. I would never be the evil stepmother"

I am with you

I am glad to see I am not alone, though I am sorry to learn of your troubles. I too have a rebellious step son (15) and step daughter (16) who treat me like crap. Thier Dad and Step Mom are more "friends" than parents, so they are useless. We have them on a schedule (or homework would never get done) but otherwise let them be free to play video games (him) or watch television (her).

I too am tired of being treated like crap and putting up with the kid's attitudes and behavior while they have it easy. These kids are so disrespectful it is pathetic. They tell their Dad and Step Mom that they loves them but never tells their own mother that they care for her at all. It makes me sick - especially sind Dad and Step Mom don't do anything for the kids or contribute financially to offset the costs of their extracurricular activities (music, orchestra tuition, tutors, etc.). Sometimes their mother finds it easier to blame me rather than see that her kids are the problem in our house.

The kids are very manipulative and I think Mom just wants them to love her. My daughter (now an adult) stayed with us for a little while. When she got out of hand I kicked her to the curb and she is a much better person for it. I don't want to kick these kids to the curb but don't want them to destroy my marriage either. We only have a few more years and they'll be gone to college. I only hope the love I have for my wife will be enough to sustain us through the storm.

Do I just let everything slide and allow the kids to run the show? Or should I put my foot down and have a meeting with the kids, their Dad and Step Mom to resolve this mess once and for all? What repercussions do I have - knowing that I'll ultimately be to blame for any negative outcome.

I see a lot of the same

I see a lot of the same questions/problems I have with my ss but not a lot of advice. My 18 yr old sd and I are fine with the normal tug and pull but with mutual respect always(my 17 yr.old daughter is the glue there,she keeps us close-they were an unlikely bet at first but now refer to each other as just 'sisters').
I won't repeat the behavior of the 20 yr old. ss as it mirrors virtually everyone elses. What I will ask here is what do I do? Disengaging from him will leave me with so much guilt I won't be able to bear it. So much of his behavior and mannerisms remind me of ME when I was young and rebellious(the one difference is he and his sister lost their father to cancer 10 years ago.)He is so anti-social and so insecure....I've wanted to mentor and guide him from the beginning but neither he nor his mother will have it. It's just too much of a hassle for her to follow through with discipline and consequences. She asserts that he's just a late bloomer. I know better. I also know I'm getting to the end of my rope,obsessing at the inequities here in our home. What do I do?

Amazing! they must all be the same!!!!

WickedWitchTai My 14 yr old ss is so like what you all have said. he hates me and is trying to do everything in his power to get me out of here. it has been 3 yrs and has not got any better. we havce his kids every other week. shared parenting, have to love it!!! ( way to go all you judges out there that found this to be the easiest thinf for you to come up with ) I am going to college so i have the summer off and so im the one who is home most of the time and the one that has to deal with all the kids BS. and i do my best through a kid that screams at me and balls his fist up and truly hates me. i dole out the pu nishment and then when dad gets home the son starts. my husband isnt even in the door yet. he says im lieing and evil and that i hate him and why cant i just live with mom and ............. but tonite my husband i think truly believed what son was saying and husband roled his eyes at me when i said i was done getting disrespected in my own home. WTF! it makes me crazy!!!

I had one of those rebellious, angry teen SS's you speak of....

and I too was fed up.

We had him fixed, which had an incredible positive impact in improving his attitude and my ability to tolerate him.

No, not fixed like you might think. I like my own twig and giggle-berries too much to deprive him of his though the reduced testosterone may have helped with his issues.

We sent him to Military Boarding School for his Junior and now Senior year of HS. He has always been a pretty good kid but has historically struggled with couch potato game system fixation, not performing well in school, conveniently forgetting his chores and what he is asked to do by his Mom and I and lying in response to nearly any direct question (Did you finish your homework?, Did you do your chores?, etc.....).

In his first year he adapted incredibly well, finished the year with academic honors, honors participation in the Corps of Cadets, sports, etc...... and made major inroads in to developing his character and valuing honesty in himself and others.

He was invited to return for leadership camp and awarded a leadership role in his Troop for his Senior year of HS. He is there now.

I had little doubt that Mil. School would help him become a young man of character rather than uninteresting lump of a lying unimpressive waste of skin that he was moving towards. Military School did the same miraculous things for me, my younger brother and was a major influence and foundational experience for my own Dad.

I am happy and proud that my Wife and I could provide him with his opportunity to continue the Rags family Military School tradition.

There are some surprisingly affordable high quality options out there. We did an exhaustive search and research before selecting the school my SS goes to. Sending him to the school Dad, my Little Bro and I went to was not an option. It closed in 2002 after 158years.

Drop me a PM and I would be happy to share the list of schools we researched with you.

Good luck with your struggling teen SS.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I did research and was told

I did research and was told by a psychologist that we as parents can't just sign them into those programs anymore, that we would have to do extensive counseling for a long, long period of time and the counseling would have to recommend that approach, my ss is deviant and knows how to play the I'm an innocent little kid routine he is 13 and we know we would have to play his game and exhaust all options from counseling before his card is pulled, water all those years of happiness and never give it back to our other children exposed to as actions, I don't think waiting till this kid is almost 18 before we can do this tips the scales of pros vs cons for everyone involved, it seems everyone involved has to appeal to the one and they get to experience the positive with the problem years later. Plus I don't think it's Fair to spend thousands of dollars for those avenues because they trouble making kid still gets something for nothing. But I'm interested in your list because I'm out of options except just waiting the 5 years until he disappears like he keeps saying

My step-son is a

My step-son is a nightmare
My wife and I were married 7 years ago and ever since then it has been an uphill battle with her son (16). She also has two daughters (12 and 18) who completely accept me and with whom I have very good relationships. Unfortunately, my wife's ex has decided that we (particularly me) are responsible for all his troubles in life - getting him to pay child support or any other court ordered obligation always ends up again in a courtroom with everyone spending boatloads of money on attorneys. My wife has total custody and apparently the ex resents this - to the point where he has taken us to court several times trying to get his visitation (which is limited to daytime only, two evenings per week + every other Sunday afternoon). It's pretty apparent to everyone that the ex is quite the jerk since every time he's taken everyone to court he gets his head handed to him by the judge. I feel like there can't be too many more judges in the state that we haven't gone before and ended up in the same place. The ex's anger over all this has spilled over into his attempts to manipulate the kids. Apparently he's been pretty unsuccessful with the two girls, but his son has bought his line of crap hook, line and sinker. I've heard this one numerous times: "you ruined my life." The problem is that its just getting to the point where it's unbearable. The SS does nothing he's asked to do (take out the trash, clean his bathroom, etc., although he does keep his room immaculate). He stomps around the house when I'm there and refuses to speak to me or even acknowledge when I'm speaking to him. He treats his mother with almost as much disrespect as me, but for some reason she doesn't seem to catch it like I do. Although my wife generally tries to support me in each conflict, I see her reactions as being thoroughly insufficient. And, every time her reaction is disproportionate with my reaction, this only serves to support the notion planted in SS's head that I'm the devil. My wife recognizes that SS's behavior is intolerable and has taken him to numerous therapists who have diagnosed him with everything from bi-polar syndrome to simply ADHD. I don't think its much of any of that (perhaps a little attention deficit syndrome). I think its just a teenager who is told everything he wants to here from his father (who basically druels all over him whenever they're together - we've heard this from the girls) and gets everything he wants from his father and sees me (and to a lesser degree his mother) as the obstacle to his spending a blissful life with his irresponsible father. I am truly at my wits end. What I haven't mentioned is that I have two of my own kids from my first marriage (10 yr. old boy and 13 year old girl) who live on the West Coast. My wife and SS and two SDs live on the East Coast. I have a condo on the West Coast where I travel to every other week to be with my kids who live with me when I'm on the West Coast - my ex and I get along fine, and (b) make some money with my consulting clients who are mostly West Coast based. Needless to say this is extremely expensive, more than a little draining and rather a strain on my career. So, given all that, I find myself growing more and more resentful of this SS who treats me like crap. I'm tired of this kid treating me like I have no right to be in my own house. I'm sick and tired of his attitude, his rudeness, his total and complete lack of responsibility (nothing is EVER his fault), and most of all his blaming me for everything that he thinks is wrong with his life. Its starting to occur to me that the investment I make in traveling back and forth is really questionable in light of what I have to put up with when I'm there. I truly don't know what to do. I know that I can't take this for much longer. I would really like to lay down the law to my wife that this kid isn't allowed in to live in our house one day beyond his 18th birthday, but I'm afraid that that will be the equivalent of making my wife chose between SS and me (and essentially declaring all her efforts with therapists, etc. to be a waste), and (b) even if my wife is OK with that, I'm not sure I can stick it out for another two years. Someone please help!!!

I'm in the same boat, my ss

I'm in the same boat, my ss is now 13 and has been at this since 9 when I met his father, he has a baby brother who I raised as my own since he was an infant so I'm mom and my own kids 10 and 13 now as well and my ss gave me my options do what he wants or else, I chose or else because being a good mom means reprimand when doing wrong, boundaries and not doing anything he wants to do, my DH is seeing what he is doing, but my ss waits till he dad is at work to do nasty things. He punched his dad in the face on night and his dad slapped him but that made it worse a normal kid would of stop when they realized they aren't as big as they thought after that nope this 13 punk told me that he isn't going to stop this until he moves out at 18. I'm not going to allow a punk to destroy 5 ppls lives and split them up as a family for him the one out of 6, he has already stated that if I leave with my children that his dad will have him and he is intent on making sure that nobody will be in his dad's life including his little brother only him. When I asked what about when he is 18? He said then his brother would be on his own and his dad can have a life when he leaves, once the kids are gone and moved out, the punk said he will come back and he will be the prodigal son. His dad told him that he would want nothing to do with him at that time for ruining this family and his life so he looked at me and said be a good mom and do what I want or be a bad mom and continue doing this I said I'm not doing it your way he said I will destroy everything you love and care about. There is no winning with this kid in any form. I will be sleep deprived, I will be watching out for the other 3 kids and inserting my authority as an adult to keep the family together, because I will not be defeated by a punk ass kid who wants to be nothing and take everyone down with him. Adults are to never relinquish their power and submit to a child in this way, only with careful consideration are we as adults and parents are we to compromise with our kids only if benefits everyone involved not just one over everyone else, stay strong don't let him win this is a struggle of power and who wins and who loses spend more time with your kids and avoid that power monger every time you can.

I am in almost the same

I am in almost the same situation as you, except I have been married to SS's father for 7 years and my children are 3 and 5. I am at my wit's end too. I told my DH last night that if he doesn't do something about his son's disrespectful behaviour towards me I will be moving out until he has gone somewhere else. My husband says he treats him the same way, but because it's his own son he seems prepared to put up with it more than me. Also because it bothers me more and my husband gets tired of yelling at him, I get to do all the discipline. I am NOT going to do all this kid's housework and cooking just for him to treat me like cr**. I can't even talk reasonably to this kid. If the logic starts to go against him, he just says "I'm not talking ot you any more" and walks off. In his eyes, he should be allowed to do whatever he wants and have whatever he wants given to him or done for him. If I tell him to sit up at the table (he eats like a dog,I don't even know why he uses cutlery) or clean up anything or walk to the station instead of getting a lift that is being unreasonable to him. The more he is punished the worse he gets, because he will never back down or apologise or change anything he does. He never plays with them but he goes out of his way to wind up his stepbrothers (and me) - yesterday he walked past my 5 yo when he was doing a pee and slapped his bottom so that he squealed. Surely the poor kid has the right to pee in peace! So that started off another round of him getting in trouble and me being abused and then conflict for the rest of the night. He tells me I don't treat him with respect - but he can't behave and not rock the boat so I have to discipline him - that that to him is me mistreating him. I get told he hates me and I am a horrible person on a daily basis. Because I am not his real mother he doesn't feel so guilty about taking all his anger out on me. He is so negative, he can't appreciate that he has everything I would have died for as a kid, all he can see is that he doesn't have this latest phone or that $200 pair of shoes. He has no friends to speak of, I bet all the kids at school can't stand him either, he is always dobbing on someone or complaining about teachers. I worry about the effect the conflicts have on my small children, and I am sick of feeling like the bad guy and a horrible person all the time for doing nothing but trying to live my life in my own house! I'm sure I am not a horrible person (my own kids don't seem to think so) but I am starting to feel like one and it is really affecting me. I wish I could throw him out but apparently I can't. So it looks as though I have to go because I am not living like this for the next 4 years or so.

Yep my now 13 year old is

Yep my now 13 year old is told me he is continue this until he is 18 and moves out, I don't understand why these kids have all this power and break up families and we as adults hey it's a kid you can't do anything about it and it's okay if you, your husband your children his children other than the problem child get torn apart and hurt for a long period of time and it's okay that the problem child is happy. It's senseless really I would love for life to be the way it used to be, when kids got to high handed their was a way to knock em down a few pegs on the entitlement pedestal of life and show them how much power they actually don't have, but now in days it's oh just let them have their way you'll be free from the fighting, and turn your head when they hurt everyone too.

I was experiencing it right

I was experiencing it right now, we have the same problem and even worst coz my husband and I was arguing and having big fights bec. of my stepson. My husband always in favor for his son, gave more time, attention and affection than to our own son (a 2yrs. old) And i don't even know what to do. Feels like nothing, and I wanted to give up and have divorce

Same situation

Hey sweetie I am going through the same thing. My DH and I met 4 years ago and at the time he had an infant son and a 9 year old son, I had a daughter and a son as well. Needless to say everything was Rose's unhis father moved us into his place and made a family. This kid would terrorize my kids at school bullying them and told me it was because he didn't want my kids in his school, then he started waiting till his dad would go to work and he would get in my face and tell me to get out of his house, to pushing his way into every ounce of time I spent with my kids and his little brother and then told me to my face so it's expected of you.. hear I am now going on 5 years later, he at 13 years old now tells me an ultimatum 4 times now, are you going to be a good mom? Or a bad mom? When I ask what he means, he says you are a good mom you let me do what I want don't tell me what to do and don't reprimand me when I do bad things.. or you keep doing this and telling me what to do and reprimanding me and I keep throwing these tantrums. When I spoke back I said no I'm a good mom by not allowing you to do whatever and getting away with it. He looked me in my face and said then I will destroy everything you love and care about. I responded and asked what would you destroy, he coldly said you'll find out.

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14-year old Step-Son Rebellious & Angry, I'm just Fed Up!