I really need some input

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What do all of you think about DH saying that his X is still "the aunt" of his sister's children, and that he thinks of himself as "the uncle" to his X's brothers' children? Please tell me what you think. All of the nieces in nephews in question are grown---over 25.

I'd ask him if he still

I'd ask him if he still considers himself married to her. Because thats how he became the uncle and she became the aunt...THRU MARRIAGE...and the end of the marriage is how he became the ex-uncle and she became the ex-aunt. How long were they married? I take it he's always kept in contact with ex BIL and his kids? Some people view titles by the relationship, not by what they technically mean. Maybe thats how he views these things? I pretty much stick to the meaning of titles, otherwise they don't need to be used, in my opinion. But everyones different. Some people believe when you divorce, you divorce the family too, just like you marry the family. Some people believe just because you divorce doesn't mean you should sever the relationships you developed with the person's family. I'm all about severing and moving on, but not everyone is. To each their own I guess. Does this bother you? Does it sound like he still considers himself a part of her family and vice versa? I think this view can be really damaging to a new spouse, unfortunately

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

Do they actively participate

Do they actively participate in their lives? Were they close when they were married?

I dont know of anyone who does this, but I tend to avoid personal topics in general. (outside of the anonymous world of the net of course)

hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm

Two of my 3 uncles are divorced and remarried and I still consider their ex-wives my aunts. I think family is what you make of it. My BF is in contact with his former BIL and his sons and the kids still call him uncle.

Yes...

I recently started reconnecting with some of my ex's family. Actually, when my ex and SM had some of them over last year for dinner, we stopped in to say hi when picking up the boys and they invited us to stay for coffee.

Also, one of BM's sisters has been incredibly nice to me. She is confused and hurt by her sister's insanity. BM wrote her a horrible letter dictating how and when Aunt was to see SD, always by contacting BM (who never had her on weekends and would never bother calling her sister back to arrange anything.) The final straw was when BM's niece got married and they wanted to invite me and DH to the wedding (they came to ours.) BM told another sister and they attacked this sister and her daughter about family loyalty etc. So I was not invited to the shower, then BM didn't show anyway. BM never RSVPd for the wedding either (SD was in it and BM's sister was so afraid BM wouldn't show with SD.) I took SD for the initial fitting, then BM threw a fit about that, and took her to the last one- BUT STILL STATED SHE THOUGHT WE WOULD PAY FOR THE DRESS! BM also refused to let SD go to get her hair/nails done with the rest of the wedding party and did SD's hair herself. That was stressful for the bride as well, not knowing if SD would appear, or how she would she look.

BM did show for the wedding/reception, but stayed to eat and left early taking SD with her. BM didn't give a card or gift. But I dropped one off when the niece got back from her honeymoon.

BM pulled the same thing when the same niece had a baby last year. No RSVP/No showed the shower, no gift or card ever appeared. I made the niece a cool personalized baby journal. BM's sister was so touched.

So...it depends I guess. I think of my ex-inlaws as family. We were so for 11 years. And DH was part of BM's family for about 15 since they dated from his senior year of high school all the way through college. That's a long time to just drop people you care about.

BM's sister treats me like family. She loves to watch BD 3 for us sometimes and always sends BD and my sons little cards for holidays along with SD's cards.

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

thanks for the comments

I purposely didn't say much about my own situation so I could get a more objective view. This is something of a problem for me and yes, it does bother me. DH was married for 20 years but we have been together for 16, so another question is, how long do they remain members of each others' families? What about my family? What about my sister's children? My perspective is is that he prefers his "first family" to mine. Also, I was married for 7 years. My ex-MIL and I had a very special relationship; she was better to me than my own mother and sometimes this upset my XH, although he eventually came to accept that we were just special friends, not "mother-daughter." This wonderful woman died a couple years ago and I still miss her to this day, but my X's sisters completely wrote me off. This is what makes the situation difficult --- that he doesn't have to deal with my X and his family in any way shape or form, but I have to deal with his X and her family what feels to me like too much. It feels like they are everywhere all the time (his X lives in the same town) even though they aren't.

It sucks. Unlike his X, my X does not in any way insert himself into our lives, and as I said his sisters wrote me off a long time ago, so it huts when he says he still think of himself as uncle to his X's nieces and nephews.

When he told me that last week was on our wedding anniversary, and I just said. "Wow. I wish I had known that." God, the X's presence even ruined out anniversary! (I know I'm letting her so please don't lecture me on that -- I am TRYING to do better in that area.

Here's my rule for ex-family friendship

If they are accepting and nice to YOU, then you need to extend an olive branch back. If they want nothing to do with you or do not acknowledge you are his wife now? That's a different story. My exH was married once before me when he was 20-separated by 21 divorced by 22. They had no kids. She took an apartment up the street, and used to stop by when she knew I'd be at work. We weren't married yet but I lived there. Once she called him up and asked him to meet her out for a drink. When he said he couldn't b/c I'd be home for dinner soon, she said, "Oh! I FORGOT she lived there!"

Ummmm...yeah. I am a very laid back person so I know this doesn't apply to everyone in this situation. But I felt that she was more than welcome to remain friends with her exH (then my SO.) BUT...only if she wanted to befriend me too.

She didn't. She tried many times through out our marriage to make mutual friends choose between us, and b/c we never tried to put them in that position they refused to accommodate. Then after I had BS (now 14) a mutual friend had a baby shower. I asked ExH (then H) sister if I could help with the shower as they were best friends. She said, "OH...well...that would be awkward as the exW is helping." I said no problem, I understood that exW knew mutual friend much longer than I did. THEN...

I WASN'T invited to the shower. All my then H's sisters, nieces, family friends there, and b/c his ex he was married to for a minute a decade before made a stink, I was the one left out.

THAT is not right. So if his ex-inlaws do THAT kind of stuff to you, or BM uses the situation to exclude you- invite him to things but not you, and try to demonstrate their loyalties to BM, then your DH needs to cut ties.

Not sure if that helps any. It's a tough situation I'm sure.

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