What if it wasn't EOW with your Step Kid?
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I've been reading so many posts that you have your step child every other weekend and it drives you crazy.
My question is, what if you had your stepchild/stepchildren full time?
Would you be able to last? Would you move out? would you ask for divorce or would you try to live with everyone?
I had SS full time and it became impossible without a united front and BM guilt parented this boy to my exhaustion.
Please give your situation and answers please!
Currently, I have SDs half the time
And it's the older of the 2 (SD16) who causes the most stress and strain in our family. I think I have done a pretty decent job at disengaging from her, especially because DH has FINALLY figured out that I'm done trying and has stopped forcing me to try anymore.
SD16 has CLEARLY stated she is not interested in a two-way relationship with anyone in the house (oh, she's totally fine with everyone servicing HER every need, but does not want to put out any effort on her own toward any other family member in turn).
So even though I still sometimes get a little emotionally upset at her presence and the fact that her bad BEHAVIORS will basically never be addressed, at least I am not asked to do anything for her.
So if the custody EVER went to FT (unlikely) from the present 50-50, I could probably deal. Especially because I can see the ''light'' at the end of the tunnel, knowng she will be going off to college in August 2010.
Counting down the months...literally...and bidin' my time.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
When I first met my DH, he
When I first met my DH, he had "SS" full time. Within the first few months of our dating, and within one month of them moving in with me, DH sent him back to his mom (she had been busted for drugs & her kids were taken away from her for 2 years) The first time I met them, I almost didn't go out with DH again because of "SS". He's not a mean kid, but he was very obnouxious, over weight, lazy, didn't listen, very picky eater...just plaain old annoying to be around. That was my first impression...of course he has his moments of being a nice kid that I've seen so far, I must say I enjoy life much more with him being 5 states away now, we only see him 2 times a year. Now we have a new baby, so there's no way I could take him living here. Especially since he'll be entering the troubled years soon (teenage years) If BM ever got busted again & my DH tried to bring him back here, I'd probably at least try to make it work in reality, but sometimes I think I'd be gone in a heartbeat. But he's said he wouldn't bring him back here again anyways, he'd let BMs mom keep him like she did his sisters last time. That kid has been moved around a lot.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
It would never happen but
if it did I would try and deal. I think my SD9's problem is that she gets away with too much. If she had strict rules and expectations I think she would be a much better child. BM believes every word and does not punish her for lies or misbehavor at school.
If she continued to be naughty, disrespect us and be a bad influence on BS2 I would file for divorce. My child and future children deserve the best and I won't let her ruin them. I would rather raise them with BD living apart to be sure they are protected from SD. SD is not just abusive towards him emotionally and verbally but also physically in the past. When BS2 was 6 mths old I caught her slamming his head into the back of the car seat. BS had to sleep in my bed when she was over on visits--my H and I were afraid she would smother him in the night.
im on both sides
we have full custody of SS15 and EOW w SD3. id like to think i could handle SD full time bc we would be more in control of how shes raised and so her behavior issues wouldnt be there. also, im hoping that full custody would mean BM died (awful i know) and so we wouldnt have to deal w all that friction. when we had her 2x a wk and EOW i coudlnt handle it BC of all the interference and contact from BM. w SS, i dont mind at all having him here FT, although today we had a bad day bc of his teenage attidtude and DHs failure to discipline, but i disgress. u caught me on a bad day! honestly, if SD was FT i dont know how i would handle it...i have alot of anger and resentment regarding this situation and have trouble separating her from BM. i would definitely give it a try bc i love my husband and would trust that hed do whatever he could to make it good for all of us.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
If SD17 lived here fulltime, I wouldn't
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And actually, that can't happen because it is my house.
I married a man with two kids-SD17 & SD14. We had dated a very long time. Two weeks after we married, he announced he expected SD14 to live here (we live in a house my parents own-H works out of state, and is here only 4 days out of every 14 days). I refused. We nearly split after 2 weeks of marriage because I would not raise a child who is not mine by myself-especially in the underhanded manner (he and his ex had it all planned-I was not consulted) he tired to do it.
SD17 is the one who is guilt parented-and it's actually worse than guilt parenting-is almost like H is obsessed with her. And she does not like me, I do not like her. If she lived here, we would have ended before we began.
I told
my then fiance that I was finished raising children, and that I would NEVER raise a child full time in my home FOR ANY REASON. That the worst case scenario---which would be too dreadful for me to even mention, that he would have to move out and raise his son. CALL ME A B.... but that was the deal up-front BEFORE we even became engaged. It has nothing to do with the kid either, it is that I AM DONE RAISING KIDS. Just not going to happen...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I could barely tolerate the EOW! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE
wow. thats a new one. So he
wow. thats a new one. So he agreed to marrying you knowing that if for some reason he had to take in his child he would have to move out? I know some stepparents HOPE they will never have to do it full time, I think I'm one of them (not because of the kid, but because I don't feel old enough to handle a preteen/teenager on a full time basis)...but I don't think I would get married in the first place if there was NO WAY I was willing to even try in case the situation came up. And in my case, its a very real possibility, my DH already had to take him in full time for a couple years once before due to BMs illegal behaviors. Do you think your DH really believes you would follow through with is or he thinks maybe you'd give in if the situation arose?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
my SS is 15
and im 28. it actually works better w us being closer in age. we like the same music, etc and he thinks im cool
he even favors me over DH sometimes and we gang up and pick on him...lol!
so yeah, youd be surprised what u can handle when u have to melis!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
yea, I agree...thats why I
yea, I agree...thats why I would at least try it...it just sounds scary to me. I dread my own sons teenage years. Maybe I just picture in my head all the attitude problems, puberty, hormones etc...I know how me, my brothers & my sisters were as teenagers! I just turned 29. You sound like you have a good one bellacita!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
he is for the most part
he had some teenage attitude last week and i had to put him in his place since DH doesnt...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Thats where I would have the
Thats where I would have the trouble...I have trouble putting my 5 YEAR OLD in his place! I need to get better at this part before I have a teenager around! I think I might be a pushover...hmmm..:?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Yes he agreed!
You have to understand that the perspective I have is one of someone that is closer to retirement age than his/her stepkids age. I've been around the block several times and I know what I want, will tolerate and will not accept any less. And I don't cook either. I announced that the first night I met him and he understands. I DO WORK AND BRING IN GOOD MONEY and am a very loving person. Only women think that a person's worth is evaluated by the size of her uterus.
So, I am not a sloth, I am just full grown and done with certain things. People go through life passages and I love this one!!!! You get to a point that you really don't give a s.... what people think. Yet, you have the experience to know how to speak and behave so that you don't offend. It is really cool!
I understand a lot of older
I understand a lot of older people don't want to "start over" when it comes to raising kids after theirs are already grown. How old is your SK?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
SS full time
I think it would be better for us as a family if my ss/13 lives with us full time.
We have him every other weekend and 1 night a week.
The 1 night a week isnt to bad , but when the weekend visitation comes, its hard because ss does not respect our rules and we almost have to start from scratch, he thinks he is a guest and my H treats him like a guest sometimes. I sound like a mean step mom, but I feel this is his home, treat it like a home, do the chores like everyone else, by Sunday he is off and knows his responsibility.
My H is a good man loves all the kids and not haveing BM playing head games, day and night on him, would help us all to be closer.
but truthfully their are some weekends "here's your coat and hat, dont let the door kick you in the ass on the way out"
LOL...no you don't sound
LOL...no you don't sound mean. When someone is in your home that often, I wouldn't consider them a guest either. My SS is only here once a year, and we go to his state once a year. So in our situation, I guess we view him as more of a "guest" He's only here a short while...he doesn't have chores or anything, although we make him clean up after himself. The year before last we were able to talk his mom into letting us keep him for 5 weeks (first time ever & she probably won't agree to it ever again) but in those 5 weeks he had chores & got an allowance. From the ages of 2-12 my sister & I were at our dads every other weekend...we never had chores, we were treated as "guests" in their home. To tell you the truth, I probably would've felt more included if I actually had chores and wasn't treated as a guest. I say that now, but who knows, it might've pissed me off to have to do chores on the weekend as a kid!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
ugh..and double ugh
I have a 22 &19 y/o and I am done, if FH had to get full custody IDKN it would be hard, maybe heavy negotiating cuz I WOULD NOT allow the behavior they exhibit now to continue.
guidelines boundries and consistency rule my world...those little kiddos would think they had move to HELL!!!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
melis
My husband's son is 16.8 years old. Almost 18!
oh good...I was scared he
oh good...I was scared he might have a little one!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
hey
My FH has a 18 y/o stb 19 who acts like he is 10! so we would have another 8 yrs before he turned 18...
uuuuhhh I bad.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
YES YES YES!
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
Crayon, I've been saying exactly that for the last 18 months! Parents should be PARENTS, not their kids best buds!! My 2 SD's have never had any discipline, rules, guidelines or boundaries - my DH doesn't like "conflict" so he would rather let them run wild than be a parent to them and consequences be damned. Now he has two very spoiled girls who think the world revolves around them and everyone should bow down and give in to their every demand. Technically, he hasn't raised them himself - he and the girls have lived with his parents for the last 16 yrs up until we got married last year and he worked nights, so no, HE didn't raise them. My SD17 is begging and pleading to come live with us (she lives with gparents now)but she told me there was no way she would ever listen to me, go by my rules and she was too old to change her ways. Since it's my house, (DH moved in with me), and DH will not lift a finger to make her mind or discipline her when she needs it, I absolutely refuse to allow her to live with us. She has a BM she can live with but she refuses to go there,(that's a whole new story) or she can mind her manners and live with the gparents. I don't care - after trying for the last 18 months to forge a relationship with this girl, I've given up. And yes, I feel cheated because of her actions, plus she's missing out on having one cool stepmom!