I hope for you that your ss will want to be on his own at 18. Then you won't have to deal with what ss wants.. It is so hard to talk to your spouse about their children, because it seems to me that they only want to talk about the good and bad only exists in the steps eyes. (But not always).

Welcome to the site, glad you found it.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

It takes so much energy and it becomes so draining. Especially when morals and values differ between the parents, let alone the step parent. I hope you dh can see that you have a proven way of raising a responsible child/adult, I hope he will take his head out of the sand soon and listen to what you are saying. I mean hear the content and not just the words. Hand in there will be more responce to your post I promise. There is a big step community here, don't get discouraged because I am the only one who has posted.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

It takes so much energy and it becomes so draining. Especially when morals and values differ between the parents, let alone the step parent. I hope you dh can see that you have a proven way of raising a responsible child/adult, I hope he will take his head out of the sand soon and listen to what you are saying. I mean hear the content and not just the words. Hand in there will be more responce to your post I promise. There is a big step community here, don't get discouraged because I am the only one who has posted.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

I feel your pain, only my ss is 7. He does everything to destroy my relationship with my dh, right along with bm. I don't have problems with my sd 11 and 9. I figured that they would be the ones giving us more problems, since they were approaching the teen years. It just amazes me that a child could be so ruthless. My ss always is very withdrawn but when my dh's family comes to visit he acts like a perfect little angel. Most of the time with my family he just stands there and doesn't respond. I feel that is so disrespectful, my dh and I have been together 4 years, and my family tries so hard to include him, he just wants to be a brat!!!! Currently he lives with bm and doesn't come to our home and it has made such a wonderful difference in our home. My dh goes and spends time with him, 2-3 hours a week. So far it works good and I don't have to deal with the stress of his crappy attitude.
There are so many stepmom's and I was so glad to find that there are others dealing with many of the same problems. Were all here for you and we listen "read" and give advice. Always know that you deserve to be treated with respect, and don't settle for anything less. Disengage!!!! At times it may not seem like it works, but it does. Remember above all respect yourself and stand up for your home, he will be gone one day and what will you have left if he keeps running your home. You have a say in what goes on in your home and when he can be there (step parent rights) stand up!!!! Trust me it is hard for me too, very hard but I always remember they won't be around forever and where is your marriage going to be when they are gone. Always trust in God and he can bring you through anything stronger than you were before!!!!!
I hope you have a great day, I am intending to!!!

"Love is strong yet delicate. It can be broken. To truly love is to understand this. To be in love is to respect this."

I'm sorry you are going through this with your SS. This is indeed a strange situation, but not unique- if you have been reading the boards for some time.

It sounds like your SS has been given too much "power" by the adults in his life. Since when does a child get to "choose" such important things, like opting out of family gatherings and attending his own father's wedding? It's no wonder this "kid" behaves the way he does- he's be allowed to for such a long time, with no consequences from either parent.

I'm sure you've read on these boards that we always suggest conseling. Have you been, either as a couple (strongly suggested!) or for yourself at least? That is always a good place to start.

As with so many others out there, it sounds like your DH is indeed suffering from a combination of guilt-parenting and clueless-parenting, which indeed puts you in tough predicament (trust me, I'm living it with you ) And unfortunately, like so many of us, things just slowly go downhill and get more contentious as the behavior of the child/teen/young adult continually goes unchecked.

Good luck and keep us posted.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I'm sorry you are going through this with your SS. This is indeed a strange situation, but not unique- if you have been reading the boards for some time.

It sounds like your SS has been given too much "power" by the adults in his life. Since when does a child get to "choose" such important things, like opting out of family gatherings and attending his own father's wedding? It's no wonder this "kid" behaves the way he does- he's be allowed to for such a long time, with no consequences from either parent.

I'm sure you've read on these boards that we always suggest conseling. Have you been, either as a couple (strongly suggested!) or for yourself at least? That is always a good place to start.

As with so many others out there, it sounds like your DH is indeed suffering from a combination of guilt-parenting and clueless-parenting, which indeed puts you in tough predicament (trust me, I'm living it with you ) And unfortunately, like so many of us, things just slowly go downhill and get more contentious as the behavior of the child/teen/young adult continually goes unchecked.

Good luck and keep us posted.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Cookie,

Welcome. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some good advice.

My thoughts as they are .........

At 17 the issues your SS is dealing with are his and no one else's. We all inherit issues from out parents but at some point they cease to be our parents issues become our issues to deal with.

As far as a relationship with your family (you, DH, etc .....) that is up to the young man. At 17 I would give him a choice. Participate as a decently behaved member of the family or don't let the door know hit him in the ass on the way out the door. Then let him make his choice. Either way, in another year he does not have to be a member of the family or get the benefit of family resources.

I think you should discuss your daughters observations about your husband with him. I know that when I go through periods where I am not someone I particularly care for I appreciate it when my friends and family point it out to me so I can fix it. Your DH may need the info so that he can fix it.

Just my thoughts anyway.

Good luck and best regards,