I am uncomfortable around my SD
and I don't know what to do???? I have two SD's and the youngest one 13 and we don't get along so good-our relationship has always been akward. I care about her very much, but I have never been able to have a good relationship with her. She stares at me all the time like she's not sure what to say to me or avoids me all together. She also exhibits certain behaviors in from of me that I feel are for my benefit. She picks her nose, coughs with an open mouth, chews with her mouth open and stares at me the entire time. I just get this feeling of animosity from her, and I don't know what I have done or not done to make her like this. She goes out of her way I feel,to do these things. I don't discipline them, their father does, and I am kind of like their friend instead of their stepmom. They have a mother that we share 50/50 custody with. I think that mindset on my part is now causing problems for me. I haven't been a "strong" parental figure to them because I wanted them to like me and not cause any conflict. I need to find a way to get my "stepmom" status back and I have no idea how to do it. I know it is my fault too. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!! By the way I am so glad I found this site and look foward to talking with all of you:)
Thanks
I know that has something to do with it...I think she is poisioning the youngest one against me. I think the youngest SD blames me for things-her mom and dad divorced because her mom cheated on him!!!! So how am I getting blamed???? I just don't know what to do or how to approach the subject with her
I would start small.
I would start small. Perhaps next time at dinner do the "gentle reminder" thing to please close your mouth while your chewing. Make sure dh backs you up. He should follow that up if she does not stop w/ listen to your stepmother. Close your mouth while chewing, we are not asking again.
Start small, baby steps.. Gradually build up to where you should be.
I felt the exact same way...
about my youngest SD who is now 19. She was 8 when I married her dad. I always thought that our personalities clashed -- she would fake it but I would feel this underlying hatred toward me. So...I kissed her butt big time. Coached her teams, took her on girl-girl trips, etc. She now hates me and treats me like I don't exist. Set boundaries and don't allow any disrespect...it will only get worse. I should know!
I am just afraid
she will snap and lose it. The one and only time I TOLD her to do something(clean her closet) she rolled her eyes at me and started yelling. If she does it again I will go off!!!!! I am just tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own house for which I pay the mortgage!! I just dread going home and I don't know what do about it. I really wish it wasn't like that-if the older SD is home and her only her I don't get that feeling of dread and look foward to seeing her. It's always been like that....
I was you 5 years ago...!
I would stay at work and do ANYTHING to avoid going home. I felt I was ALWAYS walking on eggshells (hence the name 'steplightly'). I never felt comfortable either...for half of my life!
That is is steplightly
I feel like I am walking on eggshells, and I have actually avoided going home on several occasions. But I just am sick of feeling that sinking feeling in my stomach as I am driving up to the house!!! I think maybe she really resents me and I don't know why. I have been kind to both of them most of my marriage. It just seems to be a recent turn in her behavior that I have noticed. She has started staying in her room alot more. I talked to my DH about it, and he is aware and concerned, but he says he doesn't see what I see. I don't know how he couldn't, but maybe he just doesn't want to rock the boat. He has alot of guilt still over the divorce and has done a lot of guilt parenting-he is working on it though.
hormones are evil too
Don't forget too that you're dealing with teenage girls. Even some BM's I knowI know would sell their own teenage children to a circus becuase of their horrible behavior. Hormones don't make anything easier.
I hear you though. My SD's are 11 and 8 and I never feel at home when they're there. I've lived with them for 3 years and it hasn't gotten better, and in a lot of ways, approaching puberty has made it worse. I love them both, I just don't like them very much some days. I actually thought this morning that if my kids weren't home tonight I wouldn't go home because I just don't want to be around the SD's any more. DH doesn't see it either, but that does not stop be from venting my issues to him about his kids.
Make sure DH backs you up, pick your battles and enjoy when they spend time in their rooms because then everyone wins!
I know age
does make it worse-I have been in their lives since they were 7 and 8 years old. The older one and I have always gotten along fairly well, but the younger one and I also seem to butt heads. I had to put my dog to sleep and she told me that same day, I loved the dog more than you-just things like that all through out our relationship. Always an element of tension between her and I. She has said and done some nasty things to me. But I do still care about her and wish it was different.
Ask her?
Maybe you could ask her if there is anything bothering her? because she seems to be unhappy. Address whatever she says, if its smart tell her don't talk to adults that way, if she won't say, at least you tried.
Then repeat as needed? Because your interest in her and being open to bettering your relationship, puts the ball in her court!,
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Yikes...
I couldn've never asked my SD....didn't want to add to the drama! But, Most Evil may be on to something...it's not like I have a success story!
I agree with Frustrated....
start small and get your respect back, then try to befriend her. Maybe take her to see a favorite movie or something. Maybe try to connect with her on her level? Welcome to this crazy site!!!
Keep them busy
I feel the same way with my SD8. But I can't even trust her in my home because she takes over and asks private questions and makes herself a little "too at home". I keep her busy now, sign her up for swimming, gymnastics and keep her busy. Make sure she has playdates and stuff - at least so that you can maintain control of your house.