Does this happen to you?
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My SD is 8 years old. My husband and her bio mom never married. We (both of us) have been in her life from the beginning. When she was little she used to throw tantrums every time Dad returned her from a visit because she was a big Daddy's girl. Now, she is a happy, loving child. She is wonderful when with us, loving. We don't argue as parents in front of her ever and we are very civil so she sees nothing like this. However, as soon as ALL of us parents are in a room together for whatever reason she stands by bio Mom, ignores us. Even if Dad will go and try to talk to her, she pretends he isn't there. We can't figure out why she does this. Anyone else experience this?
I don't know what it is. It
I don't know what it is. It really bothers my husband that she treats him like this. He will even ask her questions and she just turns away. We don't know if bio Mom tells her she has to "be with her" or if she feels she is protecting Mom because Mom is alone or what. It is very strange, though, because when she is with us she is loving and a different little girl.
Who knows....
If I were to guess, it's probably a twisted reason that BM has done or said. 8yrs, huh - Im praying now for ya, just wait 8 more years. Momto2, has a point about the protection thing. Why can't parents just be parents and not FRIENDS. She probably feels like she can't be herself and show emotions towards yall in front of her because she is scared that BM won't be her friend or will show betrayal. She doesn't want her BM to talk about her probably the way she talks about yall. Stupid - isn't it !! Stupid and petty as a matter of fact, it's just plum sad that kids are put in that situation, unfortunetly, in my experience it just doesn't get any better.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
I also wonder if bio Mom
I also wonder if bio Mom talks about us negatively behind our backs to SD (I would hope not) and then when we are all together SD feels ashamed/embarrassed if she shows she likes us or is happy with us. Maybe she feels she is being disloyal to her Mom if she shows us any attention.
I don't know if I should talk to her about her behavior or just let it go and hopefully she grows out of it. It's a tough one.
Momto2
We have the same problem. When we have the youngest SD11 with us and we are going to an event that BM will also be at she will run to BM and literally sit on her lap on our time. We can't all sit together, BM is nut job! Last time we were at an event we were leaving her with BM and went to say bye. SD11 was stiff as a board in front of BM when we walked up. I really thought she was going to pass out.
Tonight she came to our house at a later time than usual because after 5 years BM found a glitch in their agreement and she has been bringing them 1 hour early in the summer for 5 years. All of a sudden and without warning she decided to bring her at the right time. I'm pacing the floor for an hour! When SD came in she tried to convince DH and I that they always show up at 5. SD16 shows up and also says she thought they had always come at 5. SD11 was really strange when she came in and very nervous when her BM called 10 minutes after dropping her off. She ran to the bathroom after hearing BM yelling on the phone and came out sniffing later. The poor kid knows they always come at 4.
There is no question in my mind the BM's always talk about the other parents behind their back and it may not sound mean or negative but that is the underlying message. I gurantee it!
Ask her.
She's 8.
I have a SD9 and BS8 and I would feel perfectly comfortable asking either one of them about this goofy behavior.
My SD6 used to do this to her mom when I was around. She's also a child that has had a step parent(me) for most of her life. Her mom talked to her about in front of me but she continued to do it. I didn't care when BM and I weren't even on speaking terms even expressed a little satisfaction..but that's another story. But once I realized how much it bothered BM and how SD3 (at the time) was getting in trouble, I encouraged SD3 to go to her mommy instead of remaining in my lap.
I think she was just trying to be loyal to me. I was her primary caretaker at the time and she just didn't know any better.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
We have the same thing..
My SD8 does the same things...she has gotten better at opening up to me lately now that we have more time at once with her. I asked about this too. Example: She was crying telling us that she wanted to be with us on her birthday but the minute I MADE her call her mom back it was "I miss you" and "I'm ready to come home" so I asked her what was going on. I told her that it was okay with me and her dad if she missed her mom so why did she act differently to us then her mom and she told me it was because her "mom would cry" and her mom would be really mad and sad at her if she knew she wanted to spend time with us. I told her to write a letter to her mom that would be completely private. I was sitting on the couch while she was at the table and she was speaking it aloud as she was writing...and she was telling her mom that she wanted more time here with her dad and brothers and sister and that she wished her mom would listen to her. In saying this she is currently at home with her mom and BM said that SD doesn't want to leave her to come back on Sunday...WHAT???!!!
SO I totally get where you are coming from...
I haven't done this in a while but might again. I had a therapist tell me to ask her to draw you a picture. This picture is to be about her entire family...both sides and anyone else that she might want to include. The only catch is that she needs to make them all animals...sounds funny but it works. The child is to be so involved with the fun of drawing their family as animals that the subconscious takes over and when they are done you get to see the relations. Ex: If the dad is a dog...that would be playful and fun? A Lion: ruling and maybe overbearing...get it?
Try that and like CG said talking to her and see where you get. I can't ever just come out and ask questions. I have had to learn how to ask open ended questions to draw things out without her realizing that I am asking.
It sounds
like a loyalty issue. She feels disloyal to her "hurt" mom if she acknowledges her father. Sounds like she needs some counseling---the whole family does.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your answers. The thing that is baffling is my SD is a very happy, emotionally rounded little girl. She has never known any other life than her parents not together so she is not bitter or angry nor has any resentment to any of us parents, she loves us all. Teachers in the past have even complimented us on parenting her together as she has no problems in school or anything else. I have another son who is 6 and she is close to him also and when she's with us she is normal, happy, very loving and affectionate. She even calls my parents her Grandma and Grandpa and my sister's kids her cousins. We are all attentive parents who are active in her life and we are all there for her. We never argue as parents with each other and we are always civil to each other and communicate pretty well. So she sees nothing bad there. We don't believe in putting her in the middle of things.
This particular behavior only happens if and when all 3 parents are in the same room together for some reason. She has been doing this for a couple years already now. I thought she would grow out of it by now, but nope. My best guess is the loyalty issue thing where she feels she HAS to stick by her Mom. I really don't know.
If she is doing
this, there is something at the core & you all need (a little) counseling. This is a clear signal that all is not really good.
Good luck.
Another possibility I
Another possibility I thought of was it could also mean that she isn't used to all of us together as a "family" because she is one way with Mom and one way with Dad and she keeps those lives separate. When you collide those two worlds it makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't know how to react, and so she then chooses sides, so to speak.
EXACTLY
She needs some help with the "collision".
EXACTLY
She needs some help with the "collision".
In my case we're never all together
I think it would be really hard for SS. It is exasperating that I have yet to have any conversation with BM but perhaps it is for the better.
I think it sounds like PAS to me
check into it.......
What is PAS?
What is PAS?
Parental Alienation
Parental Alienation Syndrome
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Thanks. I looked PAS on the
Thanks. I looked PAS on the internet and it basically gears more towards parents who use the child against the other parent or where the noncustodial parent doesn't have the child real often due to the one parent trying to keep the child out of the other parent's life. In our case, we share custody in the summer and we have her about 35% of the time in the school year. Bio Mom has been pretty fair with us. SD is perfectly normal and affectionate when WITH us. This only happens when all parents are together. I will catch her sometimes smiling at me and when me or my husband look at her she will look away, like she rememebered she isn't suppose to be doing that or something. So I am not sure if this is exactly PAS because it doesn't really affect her relationship with us because she is fine when with us...unless you can say it is partial PAS at only certain times? lol
You know, her Mom is 41,
You know, her Mom is 41, single, never married. She is kind of a hermit and doesn't have any friends and doesn't socialize much. I am wondering if her Mom tells her a lot at home how it is just the two of them, they are a team, or how she doesn't have anyone else or something? Maybe my SD thinks when Mom is around it is them as a family and Dad has his own family (even though we very much include her as part of our family and she knows she is, but maybe Mom stresses this to her so she thinks she has to be this way with Mom around?). Maybe she really thinks she isn't part of our family when Mom is there, but rather, she's Mom's family since Mom doesn't have anyone else. Then when Mom isn't there she is allowed to comfortably be a part of our family. Does that make any sense???
This happens to us, too. In
This happens to us, too. In fact, when we see sd after two weeks she is happy, but she doesn't act like she has agonized over missing us. When she sees her mom after a two day weekend, you would think she hadn't seen her mom in 2 months. When we are at activities together, she tends to ignore us. Or she will ask if her bro's and sisters can sit with her and bm. We tell her she needs to sit with us if she wants to sit with her sibs, but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do or not.
I wonder if kids are intuitively protecting the ego of the more fragile parent. I know it drives dh nuts, but I told him a long time ago that I think sd feels more responsible for bm's happiness than she does ours.
It's real frustrating isn't
It's real frustrating isn't it PinkPixie? I have heard other people say it happens to them too.
We had to go to a medical class yesterday (my SD is diabetic) and we met up with bio Mom there (SD was staying with us at the time). SD is holding my hand as we walk into the room and as soon as she sees bio Mom she drops it and then goes and sits by her Mom and starts hanging all over her, barely acknowledging us the entire class time. Afterwards Mom says bye and leaves and we are leaving the class too and it's right back to normal again with us, like it's no big deal. Weird!
You may be right in that they feel they have to make the more fragile parent happy.