BM issues!
I'm new here. I'm a 28 yr old step-parent of a wonderful 3 year old little girl. I have been in her life since she was five months old, and her father and I married last May. The only drawback to the situation is the BM. She and my husband dated (never married, thankgod!) and she got pregnant (while apparently was supposed to be on birth control pills) - but he didn't want to marry her or remain with her for the child's sake. Smart man.
BM is mentally unstable and puts the child in danger repeatedly. Everything she does, directly affects the child. This past Feb., child was ill and my husband and I tried to tell BM twice but she walked away from us as we were conveying the health of the child. The week following - we took child to the er b/c her chest was caving in with pneumonia! I couldn't believe she didn't take her to the doctor! She could have killed her.
Recently, we noticed when it started to get cold outside (we live in IL) that the winter jacket she is wearing is for 18 months and the child is 3 years old! We told her to buy her a new jacket (she gets $800/mo from us) and she told us if we don't like it to buy her another coat. She dresses her in cheap clothes (the same clothes) and expects EVERYTHING from us. I'm totally disgusted with this behavior. This is just a sliver of the horrible things we deal with on a constant basis.
Also, not sure how other people feel about this, but she lives with her parents and shares a room with the child. I think for a 3 yr. old this is wrong. How can a child learn independence without his/her own bedroom? What kind of environment is this?
My husband and I just finished up in court dealing with some issues and are quite happy with the arrangement of only seeing her once every two-weeks, but are in fear for the child's safety and well-being. This girl, the BM, is totally immature and irrational. I just needed to vent and get my feelings out. If anyone has similar issues, feel free to share. We are just at our wits end with her and are ready for drastic measures.
Sick and disgusted.
In the same boat.
I am 27-years-old (married for 14 months). I have a 3-year-old SS (I have been in his life since he was 9-months-old). The BM in our case is 28 and lives with her parents in a 3 bedroom trailer along with her sister, her sisters 2 kids, her adult brother and his girlfriend, her mom and dad, and random friends that move in and out of this white trash revolving door. BM also shares a bed with both of my skids. Its just so sad to see the kids being raised in utter dysfuntion and not be able to do anything about it.
This site has helped me out a lot in retaining my sanity, just venting and having the understanding from the women on here that have similar situations has helped a ton.
Thanks Conflicted. I know
Thanks Conflicted. I know your pain. I guess we both have to keep our heads high and know that just being in the child's life is going to help that child down the road. Eventually, in time I believe that the kid will see what kind of parent he/she has and know that all we SP's want is to foster love and a good environment for them. No matter how bad it can get...and trust me, it could get worse - we are always going to be there for them. Sadly, so too is the BM. ;(
...You took the words right
...You took the words right out of my mouth!
i feel like i just read my own story
I am 36 and am married to a guy with a 3yr old daugher as well. Thank god the mother takes better care of the child but her living situation is the same, she lives at home with her parents, the child sleeps ina crib in the BM's room. We are moving to a 4 bdroom apt where my SD will have her own room. We want to change our visitation to full custody but not sure if that will work. The BM is just downright impossible to deal with. we sent her an email asking about the holidays bec we have visitaion on tuesdays and christmas and new years both fall on a tuesday, and she has yet to respond to work out a schedule. but of course she has no problem asking us for a favor to watch her. Did I mention that under the temp visitaion order i am to have no parental responsibilities. it is a total mess and i just am at a loss at times. Can anyone give some suggestions on how to beat this woman and obtain full custody??
Well I must say I have felt
Well I must say I have felt the urge to "beat the woman and obtain full custody" - numerous times! But that will only fuel anger later in life. Ah, the things we go through for love. Well you should be happy to know that you provide a stable environment for your SD and I feel the same way. You know how your SD responds from being with you and your husband and what her BM will never be able to give. That alone is troubling. You would think that most BM's have the innate ability to parent responsibly and try to provide an environment that allows for growth. My SD will not get that from her BM. All this BM cares about is money and has proved that to us by her lack of concern for a winter coat which does not fit. But she drives a brand new Jeep now doesn't she. I wish the laws would be fair for men and for them to stop being looked at like a meal ticket and everything else under the sun. If I could go back to school to study this area of family law to make changes in the outdated system - I would. The laws were made in the 80's!!! It is now 2007 and blended families are the NORM!
I recommend you obtain a real good lawyer. You will never be able to make decisions about SD but you are her SM. Step parent roles should be recognized. They sure would be if BM were mentally ill and god-forbid your husband were not here. I am in the Joint Parenting agreement with respect to pick up/drop offs only. I was lucky (and we fought hard) to get this in. BM hated it. I loved it.
My husband and I only deal with BM by voicemail msgs only. And in court. Our next step would be full-custody but it is hard. You have to prove she is unfit and that the environment is damaging. It is expensive and unfortunately, it took years of custody battles for a friend of mine to get full custody of his four boys. And they had to endure endless years of battery and tears. He even had photos and plenty of proof. Good luck. I tell myself everyday that one day (when child is older) - things will be different. As soon as she can say where she wants to live - the judge will have to consider it.