I give up
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I have been a stepmom for 11 years. The SD12 has lived with us for 17 months. Every rule we try to set or inforce gets bucked. She fights about everything. Nothing is good enough for her. If it isn't about her then it doesn't matter. She can't even remember to do the simple things like brushing teeth or putting on clean clothes. We have tried reasoning, we have tried groundings, we have even taken privledges away and she still bucks the system. I can no longer put up with a back talking disrespectful little cow. I have never spanked her and I truely believe that is what she needs. Any comments are welcome
Does she spend alot of time
Does she spend alot of time with her bm? I read somewhere about a step mom haveign the same problem with her ss. She got a reply that said something like this. Do you remeber haveing todo charts growing up? Take away her privliges tv phone computer soda toys anything like that. Then right down everything you expect her to do I.E. Getting dressed taking shower brushing teeth clean room ect. have it posted where she can see it. when she finish the tasks at had she get rewared like 1 hour watching tv if she doesnt finish her task she doesnt get any privlages. I know it might seem like something you do for you 4 year old but she is acting like a 4 year old. Audrey
Her BM has more or less
Her BM has more or less abandoned her. BM is very upset that we have costody. Everytime she talks to her BM she ends up crying. The good thing is my SD tells us all the rotten things her BM says to her so aleast we are somewhat informed that way.
I used to post on the fridge a chore list, and for every chore she did that week she got $5, which would end up being $20 a week. This did not work. So we made it manditory that she do certain chores every week and recieve $10. This also did not work so we fired her, thinking maybe no money and being fired would wake her up. Nope. So we took away TV, computer, phone everything and nothing gets through to her. I even had a note stuck to the bathroom mirror..brush teeth, flush toilet, rinse sink. etc. Nothing works. We even have her on a schedule for bed, 8:30 shower, brush teeth, clean room, PJ's and she still can't do it without being told. She totally is acting like a 4 year old and some days she's a 18 year old. I think I am going crazy.
not sure which province you are from....
but you might want to be careful if you live in Ontario. My ss's are a handful and the oldest one last year was just terrible one day when we attended a baptism. He was even rude to the Minister. His behavior continued when we got home and hubby (who I can honestly say I have only seen him in the 3+ yrs we have been together only give 2 spankings...we have 5 kids between us) told the oldest ss that if he didn't stop the terrible behavior, he was going to get a spanking. SS was 13 at the time. The next week we got a phone call from CAS saying that its against the law to threaten or spank your child by the time they turn 12, ss had apparently gone home and told BM about that his dad wanted to spank him.
I would suggest you make notes everywhere if needed, and take priviledges away. Tune yourself in to something that really means a lot to them and take that item away first for punishment. This is the only thing that seems to get through to our kids.
Corie
It could be resentment that
It could be resentment that she correlates to dad and you for her BM being absent, I remember being 14 and "blaming" my father after my mothers death- I know it makes no sense at all but I was 14- nothing did back then. Try to get her into counseling to see if it helps her at all.It can't be an easy thing to have a vicious BM do those things to her, we put SD in counseling as since we have started and won custody(2 years ago) BM has done/said some of the most disgusting cruel hateful nasty stuff to her and although sd does tell me I feel it is easier for her to talk with someone not so emotionally involved(you know, someone who doesn't think about turning the car around and ripping the BMs head off and putting it where her brain obviously is at) and I think it has helped alot. Although honestly alot of the things you mentioned sound like low self esteem, we dealt with that problem here too.
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
She prefers to hang out with
She prefers to hang out with children much younger. Like 8 and 9 year olds. Boys right now are not a problem, but with the way her body is maturing and her mind not, boys will be a BIG problem.
As far as counseling goes, we are all for it. Totally. Her BM is a big problem in her life, yet she still craves her moms negative attention. Would family couselling be better or just her one on one with the councelor? I am leaning toward the one on one but if anyone else has another opinion it would be greatly appreciated.
Ok, I hope when you call her
Ok, I hope when you call her a cow it is only to us and not her, because this could of course cause tension... Otherwise, all I can say is when I was a teenager, I was bad, much worse. I got into drugs, and the home made tattoo thing, but tough love, which it seems like you practice, pulled me out of it. So I know it seems like you are getting nowhere, but you are just fixing the motor to get the car running, if that makes sense!! Keep it up, and it will work out in the end!
****The best exercise is walking down the aisle****
oh no I would never bring
oh no
I would never bring down her self esteem. I was very frustrated when I wrote that. Tough love is truely how my husband and I were raised and is the way we are trying to raise her. It's hard for me to understand her. When I was a kid, if my parents said something to us kids, that was law. There was no buts or whys or my favorite..how come. Everyday is a battle and I am not that kind of person. I do not have the strength to do that everyday.
I think you should start
I think you should start with one on one and then do a family session here and there. That is what I would do1
****The best exercise is walking down the aisle****
We put SD into individual
We put SD into individual and told her to say whatever- scream, yell cry laugh whatever she wants without the fear of anything hurting anyones feelings since we aren't there.Lord knows how irrational some of my feelings are and I don't have the same circumstances as she does!
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
Exactly. Thank you. I will
Exactly. Thank you. I will be calling my health link for phone numbers tomorrow and hopefully I can get her in right away. It is getting very stressful for the whole family.