I want to live with dad!!
My ex remarried in May. My 2 older children (12 yr old girl, 8 yr old boy) wanted to go live with him - new house, new wife, new step-sibling (10 yr old boy). My 5 year old girl is ambivalent. The kids have a great relationship with dad. They have been living with me for three years since the divorce. The ex and I get along okay. I was contemplating letting them go live there for a year because: a) the older two wanted to; b) remind the ex of how hard parenting full time really is; c) kill the fantasy that living with dad is going to be non-stop "good times" (the elementary school at dad's house gives out homework too). Here's my dilemma. All three children went there for a full week, last week. The younger two came home saying that they had changed their minds. My 8 year old boy is a handful. The new wife is going from 1 child to 4. The week was spent in frustration and tears. My son practiced a "speech" for me that he wants to say to his new mom - that he is the biological son and that his dad will choose him over her. The oldest daughter still wants to go. I expected a longer "brady bunch" period. I knew the fantasy would be killed at some point but within a week? That seems to be a red flag to me. And the new mom is not speaking very much to my little boy because she is so angry with him? Not very adult like. Do I allow the children to splinter? Let the oldest go and keep the younger two? The oldest is angry at the middle child and is making him feel bad that it is his fault they might not get to go (just for a year and then we would reassess). Do you let kids go back and forth every other year? Should I just put the kabosh on it? He is acting like because he is remarried that now the kids should possibly be with him permanently (forcing this now - like it can't wait a year while his new marriage solidifies?). HELP!!
I would have something drwan up
a contract that is legal that states that the 12 year old is only there for one year.
I would feel like you, but at the same time, you are divorced and he is still there dad, so I kinda think you should let her go. I say this because as a mom too and the mom who has her kids all year, and yes it would be hard to say yes you may go live with your dad, but then I am reminded that he is there parent too and should have equal rights to the kids. If they want to go there and see for them selves then let them. I know you will be hurt and feel like they are picking him over you, but you have to remember too that with any divorce where children are involved there are consequences.. And one of them is the whole thing of living arrangements, and usually the kids go with BM and thats it, dads become weekend dad's and live there life. Well I feel that just because two parents divorce does not mean the kids do (something I am sure you already know) but just saying instead of being scared to let her go, let her and see how things go. Let him start going thru all the turmoil. If they thought that blending there families was going to be easy they are wrong. I would strongly suggest that you sit and talk to your son, if you show him you are ok with the new StepMom he may change his tune on her. You have to support the marriage whether you want to or not, that is the only way that your children will be ok with it. Let me tell you though my SD was 12 when I came into the picture and we were friends, she is 16 now and genuinally only likes me when she wants something. So your daughter may or may not be like my SD but at some point she will probably come home because she is going to dislike SM. I have tried and finally am saying whatever. If I am not good enough to respect then I am not good enough to buy or give anything either. I wish you luck. I am sorry. And I truly do understand that this is very hard, you feel like your daughter is leaving you for another woman, well shes not she is leaving because the grass LOOKS greener on the other side of the fence. As you said the schools over there give homework too.
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
I'm fine with the SM
I have no issue with SM. My kids call her mom with my blessing and hug and kiss her in front of me. I see it as another person to love and support them hopefully throughout their life. But, do I splinter the kids? I've always believed the kids should stay together as a unit. No? Should I demand they wait until SM gets to know my kids a little better - wade into this rather than dive?
I think
That if you support them and have raised them as I think, then I think maybe equally sharing the kids would be beneficial. I shared my kids with there dad every other week up until they started school, in which case he lives an hour and 1/2 away from us. But if he lived close enough to drop them off for the bus in the morning or something, share them. YOU will get a little break and welcome that, I think it keeps you sane when you can let them stay at dad's and he has to deal with some of the stuff. The worst in my situation is my son and his homework and me always on his case to get it done. I wish ex would have to go thru that just once. I don't know the living situations as far as how far apart you all are.
Your son he needs to be sat down and talked to about his letter. I don't think its appropriate at all. He may feel that way now, and he is probably feeling like that because he feels threatened by her and his dad's relationship. His dad should also sit with him and reassure him that no matter what he has enough love in his heart for her and hre child. He needs reassurance from his dad. He is scared that he is loosing his dad. I am going thru a little of that with my own son and his dad's GF and I had to sit him down and tell him that he is lucky to have her in his life and if he is at all feeling like she is somehow replacing me that it would never happen. You are born with two parents and all the steps in the world do not replace your birth parents. SO I say that he just needs some reassurance in his dad's home. And she needs to stop the being mad and talk to him too. he is jealous of her. At least this is how I see it by your explanation.
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
50/50
I think the idea of 50/50 if you can do it is probably the best. Or let child finish out the summer with dad and come back to you in September before school starts, to discuss further modificaitions at that point. Child is probably seeing the situation as a "grass is greener on the other side" scenario ... once they learn it isn't always greener ... then they often want to come back.
~ Katrina
Oh, yes...
I agree with the 50/50. You have to let the kids adjust, and they are learning boundaries I'm afraid. Dropping them off just like that is hard on everybody. It's new for everyone, and perhaps may not even be a bad idea to let one at a time go, than start to group the kids, to eventually, all the kids will saunter on.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...