I want to live with dad!!
My ex remarried in May. My 2 older children (12 yr old girl, 8 yr old boy) wanted to go live with him - new house, new wife, new step-sibling (10 yr old boy). My 5 year old girl is ambivalent. The kids have a great relationship with dad. They have been living with me for three years since the divorce. The ex and I get along okay. I was contemplating letting them go live there for a year because: a) the older two wanted to; b) remind the ex of how hard parenting full time really is; c) kill the fantasy that living with dad is going to be non-stop "good times" (the elementary school at dad's house gives out homework too). Here's my dilemma. All three children went there for a full week, last week. The younger two came home saying that they had changed their minds. My 8 year old boy is a handful. The new wife is going from 1 child to 4. The week was spent in frustration and tears. My son practiced a "speech" for me that he wants to say to his new mom - that he is the biological son and that his dad will choose him over her. The oldest daughter still wants to go. I expected a longer "brady bunch" period. I knew the fantasy would be killed at some point but within a week? That seems to be a red flag to me. And the new mom is not speaking very much to my little boy because she is so angry with him? Not very adult like. Do I allow the children to splinter? Let the oldest go and keep the younger two? The oldest is angry at the middle child and is making him feel bad that it is his fault they might not get to go (just for a year and then we would reassess). Do you let kids go back and forth every other year? Should I just put the kabosh on it? He is acting like because he is remarried that now the kids should possibly be with him permanently (forcing this now - like it can't wait a year while his new marriage solidifies?). HELP!!
I have to agree
I have to agree with guinessgirl. I'm not sure that you should be encouraging DS's speech. First of all, it's a bit harsh, and second of all, for me, it's wrong--in a family, EVERYONE matters. There's no choosing and no comparing. Ex's new marriage needs to be a symbol of stability and unity for the kids. When a marriage is strong, the kids that are raised within it have a good foundation and environment in which to grow and learn, and when you start evaluating each member's importance and value, it destroys that. Just as you wouldn't rank your children, your ex shouldn't be ranking the members of his family either. Also--it seems kind of odd that an 8-year-old would come up with that type of message on his own....
It's my opinion that separating the kids would be hard. Can you try and do 50/50 for all three? One week on/ one week off, or do half the week with you and half with him? Do you live close enough to make this work with school? Also, I would talk to the oldest and remind her that while her brother is free to have his own feelings, that the decision will be made by you and by their father, NOT by her or her brother. Hopefully, that will take the heat off of DS.
Lastly, I want to remind you that kids are not the most reliable sources of information. Who told you that the SM didn't communicate with DS? Unelss it came from EX or from SM, you need to remember that these are YOUR kids and that they are probably going to see things with a bit of a biased eye when it comes to SM right now. I agree that you need to let her get used to inheriting all of these children. If you continue to hear negative things, talk to EX about them, not the kids.
I do have to commend you for even considering letting the kids go be with Dad. many BMs will not even remotely consider that option for a variety of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with the best interest of the children. You are a really reasonable person, and I bet you're also a great Mama.
Good luck!
Krissy
Not Proud and Not encouraging
I think my son came up with that "speech" b/c after whatever argument happened between him and SM - his ex took him outside on the steps and told him that. I think the ex's intent was to reassure my son of his love for him and how important he is. But so now it is a "tool" in his arsenal he feels he can use when he is feeling threatened again. I didn't come up with it nor do I condone or encourage it. I relayed it here merely to illustrate here why I am concerned - because it IS odd and surprising. I didn't expect automatic adjustment - but I did expect that there would be at least a few months of bliss while everyone tried to put their best foot forward. So, given that there was none raises another concern for me. The older two were excited and happy to go! No concerns about the whole "wicked stepmother" thing. They were looking forward to the "grand adventure" of it all. Frankly, so was I. I was thinking that a year off for myself would be nice. Maybe I'd even go out on a date. But, of course, now I have all these worries.....am I setting my son and youngest daughter up for trouble?
I have to agree that I don't
I have to agree that I don't think an 8 year old would come up with the speech that you say he is practicing. I think it would have been up to you to put a halt to that. I don't think you should let the kids go back and forth. If the kids want to give it a try for a year then they are there for a year. If you let them go back and forth, I want to live with Dad, then Dad does something they don't like, then I want to live with mom. They will work the both of you, this is what kids do. And you are the adult here, you should know that you can't tell anything in a week. Maybe the 50/50 is what might work for you, if the kids can stay in the same school, but probably someone has to do some driving. My grandkids go to Mom's one day and Dad's the next, they did this from the time they were 5, and now they are in college. Their parents lived within one mile of each other so this could work conveniently. Every other day may be excessive, but the kids still say they liked the arrangement.
I agree with Krissy, I commend you for considering letting them live with their Dad, but I think reasons b and c have a lot more to do with it than reason a.
One to Four
I went from one to four, also, and yep, it's a huge change and can be very frustrating. Since two of my three skids are exceptional children, that made life very interesting at first! You can't handle someone else's kids the way you feel free to handle your own and, in my case, I had to learn very specific strategies for handling my two exceptional skids that were totally different from the way I was handling my own son. It's not something that came easily or overnight. In my case, it took countless hours researching their disabilities and learning new strategies to help them succeed in our home. It's an extreme challenge for EVERYONE... for the new stepmother, for the kids, for you and even for dad. You aren't just blending children with new step-sibs, you're blending children with a new step-parent, and she will have to find her own way with the kids. It's a process that takes time.
They've only been married two months. In my opinion, this is WAY too soon for anyone to be talking about moving anywhere. I agree 100% with Krissy. If you can manage a 50/50 situation, or week on/week off, that might be more manageable for everyone. And as hard as it might be, please listen carefully to anything your children say about their stepmother and then listen equally as well when you talk to the adults for confirmation about what happens at their house. I got accused of LOTS of things I never did and never, ever would do simply because the oldest SD wanted to hang out with her friends rather than come to our house for the weekend and it created a lot of unnecessary pain and drama in our lives and in her mother's life.
My last bit of advice is to keep in mind that no matter how hard we try, there's no such thing as a perfect mother. I'm not one, you're not one and your kids' new stepmother isn't one, either, no matter how hard we all try. So give her the benefit of the doubt, cut her a little slack and try to work with her. Who knows?! Maybe she'll reciprocate and you may end up having a good relationship with her. And if nothing else, don't ever let the kids see that they can cause the grown-ups to be at odds, or else they'll start playing both sides against the middle and THAT will be a major nightmare.
Last thing... I think you are WONDERFUL for even thinking about letting your kids spend more time with their dad. My skids' mom would never in a zillion years let us have one extra minute. Hell, we never even get the court-ordered amount we're supposed to have. I think it's great that you aren't trying to impede on their relationship with their dad. There will doubtless be some growing pains, but you have the right idea and you'll do great!
~ Anne ~
P.S. Almost forgot...! They are KIDS! They are SIBLINGS! They aren't supposed to agree with each other!
Seriously, they are allowed to have their own opinions and ideas, so I wouldn't fret too much about it. I don't think it would "splinter" them. It would just be different, not better and not worse that the status quo. Different isn't always bad. You can try it and, if it doesn't work out, then you can change back.
"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot
The splintering....
What I mean by "splintering" is not the disagreements between the siblings - but whether or not I should allow just the 12 year old to go if the others choose to stay with me. Or should kids remain as a "unit"?
Yep, can agree here too.
I responded in the other post, but I see that this one has taken another tone, but I also agree with all the comments here too. It's soo much to adjust to right now, and you certainly can not expect everyone to get along all the time at a drop of a hat.
I still think it's a good idea to try the 50/50, and even just let the kids adjust on their own. Support them, but keep in mind that you had time to adjust to having the kids, since you obviously gave birth to each one, however, it may not be so easily handled or routine for the other family.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...