What is he ordered to pay? What does he pay extra that he doesn't have to pay? Was he paying this all along or did it start after you got married? Do you keep your finances separate, or do you throw all your money into one big "pot" and pay everything out of it?

My husband and I have two children together, plus I have three skids. My three skids enjoy a much higher standard of living than my kids do. Partly because their mother works and makes great money, while I am a stay-at-home mom, and partly because my husband is paying $800/month in child support for two of the skids. (Third skid has another father and he pays her CS, long story.) Anyway, we don't spend $800/month on our two children, even though that's how much we have to spend on his other two children. Fair? No, but that's the life we chose.

If you take the emotion out of it, he has no legal responsibility to pay for your child's private education if he is not the child's biological father. (You said YOUR son, so I assumed he's the step-father and not the father.) If you want YOUR son to go to a private school, then it seems to me that is for you and his father to provide, not his step-father. Now, if YOU are contributing to HIS child's private education or otherwise financing him, then that's another story entirely.

If both children were biologically his or if he'd adopted your son, then I would agree with you completely that it's his responsiblility to provide for both children equally. But if your son is not also his son, then I'm not sure it's his obligation. Maybe morally it would be the right thing to do. It would certainly be a nice thing to do. But I'm afraid there's no legal obligation there. I think he's totally wrong to keep it from you, but I'm not sure it's totally wrong to be doing it.

Last thing, if this child has ALWAYS gone to this school and was going to this school before you got married, I don't think it's fair to uproot the child from his school just because you can't afford to send your child to a private school, as well. I mean, why punish the kid? I understand that you didn't know he was paying it and that's so wrong of him to keep it from you, but I think it's also wrong to expect him to make such a drastic change as switching his child's school just because you can't afford the same for your child.

I guess if it were me, I would sit down with a spreadsheet and calculate how much income you have together, how much you are paying out each month and whether or not there are things that you can cut out or juggle around such that you CAN afford to send your son to a private school. Maybe his dad can chip in. If not, then maybe you could ASK him to cut back on other extras that he's not required to pay, but I'm going to warn you now, TELLING him what he WILL AND WILL NOT DO is so NOT the way to go. It's just going to piss him off. (You probably already know that!) No one likes to be ordered around. Yes, he was wrong for not telling you, but judging from your reaction, I can sort of understand why. Don't agree with him doing it, you understand, just understand his reasoning.

Your bio is pretty short. It says, "I've been married for 14 months and I hate my step son." Hate is probably the biggest small word there is in the English language. Why do you hate him so much? And does this have anything to do with why you are so angry?

No judgments... I understand how hard it is to be the "second" family. So much happens that just isn't fair. It's also wrong when your husband keeps things from you. That would make me mad, too. I do think, though, that your best bet would be to find a way to compromise, rather than making demands, and also find a way to accept this child. You've only been married 14 months and he's just in elementary school. You have a very looooooonnnnnnnggggggggggggg way to go. Giving ultimatums, hating your SS, making demands... not of this is going to do much to sustain your marriage.

Just my opinion, not a judgment. I don't agree with you, but I am here to offer support.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

We have the kids 40% of the time, pay $1400 in SS every month, H's parents pay for all of there private school's tuition (about $30,000 per year), and we take them school shopping, to get hair cuts etc.....
It is very frustrating. B/c she makes great money and does not help nearly as much.

Your H needs to tell you the truth about everything! And it is your right to know those things. He did not tell you b/c Let's face it, shoe was on the other foot- He would be pissed@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are right in the way you feel! You are right in what you think about this situation! And you are right in telling him that it is not fair and that you will not pay another cent until your son can go to private school also!
You are not irrational in your thinking or in the way you feel. The only thing that would make sense in this senario is if he had to send his child to that school in the Parenting Plan agreement or if it was in the divorce settlement? If not. then you have 50% control over your finances. So you do get a say.

I feel for you and will be thinking about you. Let us know how you are.
Wifi

my stepson lives with my husband and i. we plan on putting him in a private elemtary next year. since he lives with us i have absolutely no problem with spending money to put him in a private school.if he was living with his mother i would absolutely tell him that he wasnt to spend money to put him into private school. he would no doubt be paying child support and then traveling for hours back and forth just for visitation and court and what not. if his mother deems it necessary for him to be in private school while in her home then she should be able to afford placing him there.

i take care of yours; respect me!

My husband and I are in the same situation. I come from money and neither my husband nor his ex can afford to send their 2 boys to private school. My parents have a trust fund to educate the child we have together. It is not my responsibility to educate my SSs. That may sound cold hearted, but I have to look after myself and what is in the best interest of my child. I am not a gravy train. My child will be well off compared to my SSs. I am assuming this child is your child from a previous marriage. I do not see why your DH should be responsible for funding your child's private school education. If that is what you and your ex want, then you guys figure out a way to fund it. That is what the law would tell you too. Why do you think your husband should pay for your child's private education? Would you pay for his child's??

I'm not sure that "your son" means your son from a previous relationship or from this one?

I agree that when there are clear plans in place for a child to attend private school, the status quo should be maintained. If the child is already at the school - yes, private school should be maintained. However, he was wrong to pay surreptitiously and the reason he did it is that he knew you would be upset - rightly so.

I have a 50:50 payment arrangement for my child from a previous marriage to attend a private school. And it's not cheap! However, I cannot expect my DH to pay for it. I'm lucky because my child support is filtered back into my share of the fees. However, my DH has a pre-existing arrangement to also send SD to private school for high school (in about 3 years). I do not believe that BM will fulfil her side of the bargain and pay half as she does not buy SD the things which I think are necessities and is tight with money. DH agrees that if that happens, SD will have to be taken from the school as WE not paying the whole amount. Also - when my ex comes back from overseas and is on a more modest income, I expect my child support will decrease. In that case, I have told DH that WE will have to pay for half my daughter's schooling too.

Wherever possible, there should be fairness and equality. If the child is at the school already, i don't believe in moving them. But if the arrangement is something for the future and the parent's circumstances change - so too must the plans. After all, if the DH became incapacitated and could work or lost his job, he would not have the means to keep paying.

Bonus cheques from work are joint income and joint decisions should be made on how to spend them. I would make it really clear to DH that that should not happen again.

If your son is from your previous relationship, i do not think it is reasonable to expect to use joint funds (you and DH) to foot 100% of your son's tuition. Your son's father should pay half.

I have had many discussions with my DH and MIL about SD's lifestyle. My daughter enjoys a far higher standard of living to my SD's in terms of schooling, housing, clothing, holidays, etc. But that is because my daughter's father is prepared to foot more of the bills than my SD's BM is from her side. It is also because I a am prepared to spend more of my pre-marriage savings than BM upon which I can draw to meet my daughter's needs. After DH pays $2,400 per month child support, it is BM's choice how to spend it and my DH and I cannot be expected to make up for her choice to spend the money a certain way.

Maybe you could compromise and provide 50% of SS's fees now with the aim of setting up a fund for your son so that he can go to private school in high school. That will give you both a chance to save and might be a way of meeting in the middle?

Good luck. It's a difficult one.

and all expenses are paid out of this, including his child support and extra's for his kids. If hubby did not tell me that he paid something over and above for an expense for his kids, I would be upset.

With that being said though, hubby's income has dropped terribly since his injury a year ago (1/3 of what he used to make) and although his child support has dropped, the extra's he is required to pay have not. Since it is court ordered he must pay for these extra's, there is no getting around it. However, if he was paying for over and above that and I am working my ass off just to keep a roof over our heads and support my children (I have 3 and have never rec'd child support in 10 yrs) as well, I would be furious with him if he did not even discuss it with me prior to the payment.

We discuss any "major" payments or expenses before they go out of the bank account. This is something we "had" to establish right in the beginning of the relationship because hubby is not good with money and does not think about expenses in the upcoming weeks or months. We had quite a few arguements in the beginning and I still have to remind him about this or that on a regular basis, but now he knows when I say, no, we have a payment coming out, we can't afford it, he knows I am telling him the truth. (I used to write everything down on the calendar so he could see it in plain site, but stopped that as soon as I found out the skids were taking that info home to BM too!).

Work through things with hubby, it all takes a lot of adjustment, a lot of ill feelings and a lot of the time you may want to hit him over the head with a shovel.....but don't toss in the towel only after 14 months. You fell in love with him a reason, sit down and talk about things when you are both cooled off.

Good Luck!
Corie

I think his mistake is in not being upfront about it, DH and I had these talks and I have always been supportive in whatever he felt he wanted to do and we would decide together what was financially doable or not. I don't think it is fair but that is this type of family life- until we got custody we'd been paying $700.00 a month for SD, never anywhere near that on our son, and still had to do for clothes, and buy yearbooks and pay for b-day parties otherwise SD wouldn't have had these- although BM was nicely dressed!
We came to the truth that it would never be fair and we wanted to do right by SD inspite of BM or any other thing and thats what we did- Its only 18 years- and I wanted to make it as good as possible for SDs sake as much as DH does!
That being said I would suggest if it is eating at you that you discuss w/DH splitting the cost of private school with BM if it is a financial burden and not court ordered, and definitely lay the law of withholding this stuff from you.

There is no reaon where logic does not exist

He should have told you the truth. Lying about it just makes you that much more pissed off about the whole situation. I understand that the child shouldn't be "punished" and put into public school, but that is something that a court should decide. He is with you 50%, CS, school tuition, extras. That is too much! If he is not required to pay half then he shouldn't. That is what child support is for. It is to SUPPORT the child not be the sole financial provider. It is BM's reponsibility to use that money to support the child. If she wants to put the child in private school that is at her discretion, but she needs to fork up the money for that. If "your" son is just that then the same should apply. If you want to put him in private school then you can use your CS money for that. Your DH shouldn't have to pay for his SS's private school. Fair is Fair. You need to sit down with DH and decide together what extras will be paid for in the future for SS. If DH does it now and he is only 5 years old BM will start to expect it all the time. It will only get worse and more expensive the older he gets. You still have 13 more years and they will be 13 very long years if you don't have an agreement from day one.