It's begining to look a lot like Christmas...
I'm not even ready for Halloween yet and already the stores have Christmas stuff out. Sigh. I have three stepkids, ages 15, 14 and 11. The oldest two are girls. The oldest girl was actually the result of an adulterous affair my husband's ex-wife had with some guy, but my husband agreed to raise her as his own. My son is 8, he is from a previous marriage but my husband adopted him at the age of 3, and we also have a daughter who is three. Five kids, altogether, truly a yours, mine and ours situation. AND I HATE IT! Especially at Christmas.
It's been a bad situation from the first. Hostile divorce, angry and bitter ex-wife, going back to court because she wanted more money, never getting to see the kids because she won't let us have them, etc. You know the drill. We have been married five years this December and every holiday, birthday, family event and just about every ordinary day has been ruined by his ex-wife. I just try to get through it on a day-by-day basis. With Christmas coming, we once again will have the argument over how much to spend on the kids.
I think my husband wants to spend equally on all five. I disagree COMPLETELY. I think we have to look at the total "take" each child can expect and adjust accordingly. For example, the oldest will receive from the following: her biological father, his wife and their family; her biological mother, her husband and their family; and my husband, me and our family. She makes out like a bandit on every gift-giving occasion there is. Then there are the next two oldest, who receive from their mother/stepfather and from my husband/me. Then there are my poor children, who only get from us. Money is very limited, especially around the holidays.
If we only have $500 in the budget to buy Christmas presents for all five kids, then that means each kid gets $100 from us. But my husband's other children will get from their mother, plus the oldest will get from her biological father. I don't think this is fair. I would rather divvy the money up so that the total amount spent on each kid is such that after all the gifts from all the various gift-givers are opened, the kids each have a comparable stack. It just doesn't seem fair to do it any other way. I mean, my husband pays so much in CP that surely some of that goes into providing them a great holiday season, right?!
The really sad part is that I love Christmas and love picking out special, meainingful gifts. All the stepkids want is money, money, money. Oh, or gift cards. And we never, ever get a THANK YOU from them. My husband does nothing about this disrespectful behavior, which makes it even harder. I have to scrimp, save and make my kids do without so that his other kids can have even more... and they can't even say thank you.
Anyone else in this situation... how do you get through it? I'm not sure my marriage can survive much more of this!
Anne - I conpletly
Anne - I conpletly understand your point of view. I have yet to figure out the answer for this. Good luck
Hard One
I wasn't clear if the other kids just visit or what. Do they live with you. If not you could have them come over a different day to celebrate and since they get so many gifts keep it minimal.
You can't really have them all open up gifts together and give different amount so thats the difference.
If its not working I would do it that way, and spend the amount on your own kids that you feel is right. We always let our kids open some on Xmas eve and the rest on Xmas day. Do what you feel is right, but if it hasn't been working in the past then do it differently and don't sweat it. Tell hubby the routine is going to change.
Disagree with cll1764
No, I'm sorry, but my children don't understand. They are three and almost nine. The three year old is too young to care, so she's fine. But the nine year old doesn't understand why his older brother and sisters get all these expensive gifts, some of which he put on his wish list, and he doesn't get them. Why does "Santa" love them more than him? And the older kids like to show off what they get, which is very hurtful. I think the older kids are old enough - all over 11 - to understand if we spend more on our two, since they are also getting from an additional set of parents. Also, I see so much gratitude from my kids when we give them something they've wanted, but the stepkids don't even say thank you. I just think it's wrong.
It's a very unfair situation for the kids who aren't "lucky" enough to have two sets of parents paying into their Christmas gifts. When you add the child support in, we are more than spending equally. The stepkids get way more on a daily basis than our two, so why shouldn't my kids have just one day out of the year that they get a little extra. What we send in child support for the two biological kids of my husband is more than what our family of four has to live on in a month. If it were about treating all the children equally, then shouldn't that apply on all 365 days of the year? Because if it does, then my kids are really getting screwed!
~ Anne ~
Another thing concerning
Another thing concerning christmas that I am dreading is the 'hoilday schedule' with my stepson. We only have him christmas eve so before we stared having our own children we just celebrated the holiday whenever he was with us. But now I have a son and we are expecting another little one and I want to have a traditional chritmas morning with our kids. I'm not sure how to go about it. How do others handle this? I don't want to make my stepson feel left out but I also don't want to revolve my childrens holidays around "timmy schedule." How do others handle this situation?
Create your own family rituals...
You are right, your family can't revolve around Timmy's schedule. So create your own family rituals and if Timmy is involved great. If it is not his year to be involved, there is always next year.
The gift inequity used to happen with our kids as well...two are mine, two are my husbands and all around the same ages and all over 14 when we got together. It was like a jackpot for stepkids because this was their mother's chance to be Disney mom since the kids all lived with us and it was a big competition with Dad to outbuy. I never found a solution for it until I got my own home....now I don't worry about any of this stuff.
Good question!
We are supposed to alternate holidays, which means Christmas morning with us one year, then with her the next. Whomever got the kids for Thanksgiving had to give up Christmas, then the following year it would be reversed. When we did that, it was fabulous! But due to our moving far away and the ex-wife's hostility, that hasn't worked out in recent years. If you are on good terms with and live near the ex, maybe you could work it out where you pick him up on Christmas Eve before bed, wake up with him on Christmas morning, then send him back to his mom to share part of Christmas Day with her, too. Then alternate every year, so that the child gets to spend Christmas morning with each parent (and new sibs - congrats!) every other year. We always do the traditional Christmas morning with our kids, anyway, regardless of what is happening with my stepkids. If she allows it, then they come. If she doesn't, we do it without them. On those years when we have to celebrate Christmas twice, I always hold back a couple of my kids' gifts so that they have something to open, too. It works out pretty well.
~ Anne ~
In my house
Since my husbands kids are older his ex wife does let his daughter stay with us x-mas eve & x-mas day till like 12 and then everyone goes to the other parents and we get time alone. Its actually quite nice. I love x-ams morning. And even if his ex would not let daughter stay its still x-mas and my favorite holiday and I would still make it special for mine.. and then do something special for his too. But my son still believes in Santa...
So Skye22- its time to make your own traditional x-mas and do not feel bad about it or feel like your leaving him out. Make something special for him too just understand he will be ok. Its an adjustment and it will work out. I do not think everyone should stop living because its never going to work out pergectly. Especially since you are having another baby, I know tell the ex and say Merry Christmas.. LOL.. I know that was mean.. but funny..
The stepfamily dynamic creates many differences...However...
I believe that the stepfamily dynamic creates many differences and what really matters is the message that we send regarding what is most important…If the “steps” end up with more gifts b/c they get gifts from many different sources, this may be an area where they “benefit” from being in a step family situation…likely one of the ONLY situations where this is so…steps may also “benefit” from two parties and two sets of presents at birthday time…but the kids who live in a home with both bio parents have some definite benefits as well that are not SEASONAL! They get the benefit of having both parents share a home and share equally in their life…most steps would surely trade in a few ipods and gameboys for this! I think this is a good time to explain to your bio children how lucky they are to have mommy and daddy BOTH tucking them in at night…that is a blessing that your brother/sister doesn’t have and the reason why they might get to “clean up” during holidays….almost a “buy off’ and a really SUCKY one when you look at the big picture! I agree that Child Support is supposed to cover a lot of things…Christmas gifts and birthday gifts I don’t believe are among them..
Make a GREAT Day!
Don't buy gifts...
i would not buy any gifts....that way no one is bitter about who got what. spend the money on a nice family dinner. go around the table and ask each one what they are greatfulful and thankful for. see what the answers are....maybe like "they are thankful for shelter, food and family." that is all that matters and nothing else, not toys and other materialistic things.
-happy mom
Equal!
In our house we have tried to make holiday's equal. At least from our perspective. We even went so far as to talk to grandaprents and extended family in an effort to keep things "fair" in the eyes of the kids. My SD's grandparents came to visit right after Christmas and in years past they have spoiled their granddaughter rotten. And rightfully so. We though, if they come to visit and lay about hundreds and hundreds of dollars in gifts on her, and bring my two children a t-shirt, it would be patently unfair in their mind. They understood the situation and were more than willing to make it equitable. Not from $ standpointe completely, but each child had approximately the same number of gifts. They also wanted to give their granddaughter a family heirloom type present and were gracious enough to give it to her outside of the normal "open present" time, outside the eyes of the other children. In that same aspect, my parents opened up her their hearts and their wallets to my SD and treated her just as they did their natural grandchildren. They all felt the same Christmas Day when we went to visit for dinner. How horrible would it have been for her to watch my children open up present after present and she opens one. Its not right. Step-families bring a whole new aspect to shopping during the holidays. But I think if you speak to everyone involved the sitatuion could be made a little easier for all. Maybe you can speak to her SD's Bio Dad and ask them to just tone it down a little, or give her one of her larger gifts in private when they visit with her, or send a "family gift" to all of the kids. I think if you explain how all of these gifts appear to the other children, maybe they would understand. Another alternative would be for her to open those gifts at their house and not on Christmas morning "under the tree".
Good Luck.
PROBLEM SOLVED... AND RELATIVELY PAINLESSLY
My beloved husband called me at 4:15 am to let me know that we'd forgotten to set the clocks back last night and he'd gotten to work an hour early this morning. Gee, hon, thanks for waking me up to tell me that I didn't need to be awake. On the up side, though, last night he told me he had made a decision about our annual Xmas gift-giving argument and, boy, did it surprise me!
When we have the kids with us, I always do equal. Maybe not spending-wise, but certainly in the number and size of packages. I try to make sure that all kids get approximately the same amount of packages to open and I do Santa for all five. When we don't get his kids, which is usually the case, we've either sent their presents or sent money or gift cards. Our big dilemma has never been how much to spend on our two kids, but on how much to spend on the other three, given their situation of receiving from two or even three sets of parents. (The oldest has a bio father, my husband who was the alleged father since the pregnancy occurred during their marriage and then the mother. So the oldest actually has three sets of parents.) It's been very hard to find an amount that we both feel comfortable with, given that two kids have one set of parents, two kids have two sets of parents and one kid has three sets of parents. Try doing the math on that one, it will make you crazy.
After several weeks of mulling it over, hubby announced last night after dinner that he'd decided on an amount. He told me what the amount was and I was a little surprised, because it was half of what we sent them last year. I ask him why he lowered the amount and he said it was because he feels like they just use him for money. When we ask them for a wish list on their birthdays or at Christmas, they always just say MONEY and when they get that money, they NEVER say thank you.
They don't return his calls, they don't reply to our emails and they barely speak two words to him in the unlikely event that he is successful in getting them on the phone. They never initiate contact with him and have never, in the five years we've been married, never have sent him a Father's Day card or called him on his birthday. Nothing. So he's ticked off, feelings are hurt and tired of being milked for money when we're pretty much already giving all we have to give. (They get more in child support than we have to support our entire family.) He decided he'd had enough and was cutting it in half. He said if they continued to reject him except when they want money, he'd cut it half again next year, too.
I thought it was a little harsh, so I suggested a compromise... give them each a gift card in the amount he decided upon, plus I'd pick them up each a nice gift to go with it. I hate sending money or gift cards, because it's so cold and impersonal, plus it makes us feel less like parents and more like an ATM. I enjoy the shopping part and I enjoy picking gifts that I know they will love. He was ticked off enough to say no, just the gift card. He said, and I believe him, that this wasn't a kneejerk response to some recent hurt they'd inflicted on him, just the result of a couple of years worth of rejection.
I was surprised, because I thought he would fight for equal $$$ across the board, but he didn't. This is good on the one hand, because the problem is now solved from a financial standpoint. But it's also bad, because I feel like he's finally faced the fact that's been staring him down for months... they don't really give a rat's @$$ about him anymore.
I don't want him to give up on his kids and I know he doesn't want that, either, but it is so painful to keep reaching out and to keep being rejected by your own children. I know the "right" thing to do as a parent is to keep reaching out, because they are still your kids. But as a human being, how much pain can one person take? He's afraid if he backs off he will be judged for being a bad father, although he is a FANTASTIC father in all actuality. I mean, this is the kind of father who would get up in the middle of the night, go get the crying baby out of the crib, change the diaper and bring the baby to me in our bed so that I could nurse the baby. Then he'd even take the baby back to the crib after mealtime was over. He has cleaned up more poop, vomit, blood, etc. than anyone I know. He has given up so much for all of his children and is a wonderful father. But his oldest three just don't appreciate anything. If he doesn't back off, he knows he is in for more rejection. Poor guy, he just wants to live a normal life, sometimes happy and sometimes not, just normal. The ex-wife has even told the kids to call her new husband "Daddy" and they do. Talk about a knife in the chest.
~ Anne ~
Wish I had seen this post earlier
I really wish I had read this blog when it was first posted Anne. My husband has experienced the exact same situation as your husband did. I won't go into all the details but suffice it to say my DH has not had contact with his kids for several years. He has tried so many times but each time he does try he faces yet another rejection. A couple of years ago we sent his kids a huge box stuffed with presents and didn't even receive so much as a thank you from them. He also had decided that enough was enough, he was tired of being used and made to feel guilty. He decided that from now on he was only sending cards, if all they truly wanted was to be remembered. Last year the ex was upset to learn that there would be no more gifts and practically cut off all communication. Now all of a sudden the cards are triggering nightmares, so they don't want cards anymore. Funny how the gifts did not bring on nightmares but the cards do. Believe me, he wishes with all his heart that things could be different but he is also so tired of the rejection. His decision was not made lightly but he is at the end of his rope. For him, child support will soon be coming to an end and if the kids decide they want contact with him, he is leaving it up to them to make the next move. He just can't do it anymore.
My BIL & SIL(the step-mom)
My BIL & SIL(the step-mom) have 2 kids like that... Only interested in him when they want something..They'll call to say "hi" the week before their birthday and Christmas and any other occasion they think their entitled to anything......but where are they when it's his "occasion"....SO I don't blame your hubby....
My SD was jealous of the gifts my kids recieved...she was 17 and they were 9 and 7.... We had to explain to her that her DAD did not buy more for them than he did her...that the gifts come from 2 households, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles...etc... there are more that buy for them in my family....(they don't buy for teenagers (my parents got her a gift) and my Ex's family isn't going to buy for her)
So even with older children .....there were issues.......
PS
I think her mother played a role...in the "He abandoned you for them" crap she fed this child for years after they split...
You just gotta do what feels
You just gotta do what feels right. Sounds like it worked out. I agree w/ you though... no one should be penalized for their parents being together, or rewarded for being from a failed marriage, and of course vice versa. Your first priority should be the kids you raise day in and day out. Let the biomom handle the steps on her time. Of course you'll be good to them when you've got them. What they don't know/notice will hurt NO ONE!
great communication
Anne, can I tell you your DH sounds like one of those men who communicates well, I forget at times they are out there. LOL
Anyway,
I can totally understand your point of view and yet get being even with everyone. Glad you and husband were able to look at it as a take the whole situation kind of thing.That in itself is an early Christmas present for your family.
Can you talk to my husband?
He actually swings the total opposite way. He says SD (14) should get more than BDs (his and mine) 4 and 1 because SD is older and her needs/wants are greater. I totally disagree. And it is hard for BD4 to see all the things SD has and wonder why she doesn't have more. SD gets twice as much spent on her, sometimes even more when husband overcompensates. SD just wanted money last Christmas, so between money and gifts we spent about 25 percent more on her than on BDs. Two years ago, when I set an amount to spend on her that was equal to our BD, he went out and bought SD a leather coat with "his own money," which comes out of our account. That more than doubled our budget and more than doubled the amount of money spent on BD. He just doesn't get it!
Glad the two of you were able to work it out in a way that everyone is comfortable with!
holidays
What do I do?I know they will be dumped here the entire holiday season.It's like being the maid and their being on vacation.For 13 and 15 they require more then my 6 yr old.I dread it already and I cannot afford it either.It's like having guests 24/7 for the season.Only been married a year and things are so peaceful and clean except for the weekends.How can I tactfully limit this when they can do no wrong in their fathers eyes.I don't want a fight.