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When your husbands ex still loves him

2ndwifey's picture

Submitted by 2ndwifey on Sun, 08/13/2006 - 3:54pm

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I am married to a wonderful man with 2 wonderful daughters 17 & 20. My problem is ..... His ex is still in love with him. Today she sent him an e-mail to tell him that "while intellectually I know that you are married to someone else, emotionally you will always be my husband." and that she "has never stopped loving him" Of course my husband hasn't seen this e-mail yet.He doesn't even know that I can get into his e-mail; I set up the passwords 3 years ago but not sure if he even remembers that. I can't help but feel mad that this women will always be in my life. Even though this email was an overpouring of apologies on her behalf... I just don't like the idea of her telling him that she still loves him and emotionally he will always be her husband?!!!!! Just wanted any advice and of course just to vent. I should say that I have an ex but he isn't involved in my life at all so my husband doesn't have to deal with that burden.... thanks!!!

Allyceson's picture

Submitted by Allyceson on Sun, 08/13/2006 - 4:22pm

Does your husband usually make sure that the conversations he has with her revolve around the kids, or are there issues with boundaries on a regular basis? I'm wondering because there must be some reason why you feel the need to check his email. Would he have a problem with it if he knew that you can access the account?
It's definitely an issue that needs to be addressed. There are some HUGE lines being crossed. Would she write that type of email to a married man to whom she had never been married? Just because she was married to your ex at one time, does not mean she continue to have rights to him. He needs to make it very clear that she will never again be anything more (emotionally or physically) than his kids mother. She may think that "emotionally" he will always be a husband for her, but she needs to be brought back to reality which is that you are now his wife IN EVERY WAY.

2ndwifey's picture

Submitted by 2ndwifey on Sun, 08/13/2006 - 4:33pm

Thanks for answering..... He soesn't really have contact with her , she emails things about the youngest who is 17.. But As a women I've always know she still loves hi. Hell she sent him a christmas gift last year to the house when the girls came over. No big gift just gloves... but who buys gifts for their ex?. My Husband is wonderful... he doesn't like to make waves or hurt anyones feelings. Like today... he was suppossed to write her a check and left the house so I called Him and he said he would wite it later.. I said your daughter is leaving do ya want me to write it... he said He thought that would be tacky if I wrote the check... and didn't wanna I guuess piss her off and start something. Hovever last week when she needed a check for a car repair shew actually called her daughter to tell her to get me to write a check for 1/2 of the bill... so I don't understand what the difference is... Ps to make a long story short... I wrote the check....

Ariadne's picture

Submitted by Ariadne on Mon, 08/14/2006 - 2:16am

First of all... did you leave the email, or did he read it? Tacky?? She needs a check who cares who writes it? I think your husband needs to cut a few ties here... He is not helping her to get on with her life and perhaps finding a new love buy treating her with kids gloves. I would tell him that from now on you write ALL the checks, let her know that he is out of the picture.

kab1867's picture

Submitted by kab1867 on Sun, 08/13/2006 - 6:47pm

If there is anyone out there that thinks when children are involved there arn't going to be feelings, concerns, cares, you have to have STUPID tatooed on your foreheads! Families are bonds and even if the 2 parents don't see eye to eye they better figure out how to get along for the rest of their lives as you can't divorce your children! Can you imagine what you would say or think if someone criticized your child? Children feel just the same! Love is wanting more for others and putting them first..Hey, I have the compasity to love tons of people despite their defects of character. Better take a look at where you are selfish, selfcentered, insecure about money, or insecure with yourself. Only you have the choice to make your life happy and abundant. If you point a finger, you always have 3 pointing back!
Love always wins!

Allyceson's picture

Submitted by Allyceson on Sun, 08/13/2006 - 8:39pm

I fail to see how wanting the ex to move on and stop hitting on her ex-husband, who is now remarried, is tantamount to criticizing her in front of the kids. And I'm curious...how is it that you can talk with others about your great ability to LOVE and yet be so quick to label others as selfish and self centered?

skye22's picture

Submitted by skye22 on Mon, 08/14/2006 - 9:21am

Get OFF your high pedistal kab1867. All I have seen from your posts is critism. Your the one with the finger out calling everyone "selfish and insecure." Your not perfect either!

skye22's picture

Submitted by skye22 on Mon, 08/14/2006 - 9:35am

Personally, I believe that my marriage is thicker than blood. God united my husband and I in marriage.

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Mon, 08/14/2006 - 9:51am

In my opinion that is the reason that a lot of people have the problems that they do in relationships/marriage/etc… the MARRIAGE BOND is STRONGER THAN BLOOD and the husband/wife dynamic is the most relationship in the house…b/c they are the “head” and if there is a problem with the head the entire body suffers! People often make the mistake of putting their relationships with their children in front of their relationship with their spouse that that leads to 99.99% of the problems that stepfamilies face…if and when we put our spouse first…the other things will learn over time (not saying it is automatic or magical) to fall into place…It is out of LOVE and RESPECT for my HUSBAND that I love and honor my step children…and in our house we put each other first and in doing so the kids are naturally taken care of!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Mon, 08/14/2006 - 10:12am

I agree with you! Your relationship with you husband/wife has to be focused on. If that relationship is strong, the stepfamily relationship will work over time.

Dawn

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Sun, 08/13/2006 - 7:42pm

I didn't get the impression that 2ndwifey was selfish, selfcentered or insecure out of that! In fact she even wrote checks to the ex herself. I don't do that!

Sounds to me that the ex needs to move on and LOVE somebody else!

I would talk to your husband about the e-mail but to me the ex either wants something or needs to move on.

Dawn

2ndwifey's picture

Submitted by 2ndwifey on Tue, 08/15/2006 - 8:22am

Thanks Dawn.... Actually things are better . I let my hubby know I read the email. He felt sad for me because I was hurt. He also said this is outta left field... he wasn't aware that she was still holding on and yes alot of the email was that she was sorry. She basically knows what she lost.He is sending an email to confirm his respect and care for her as the mother of his children, but hopes that she will be able to move on knowing he has forgiven her and hopes that she can find a happy relationship and find love as he has.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Tue, 08/15/2006 - 8:44am

That's great! Sounds like he is taking the bull by the horns and letting her know where he stands. Good for him!

Dawn

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Mon, 08/14/2006 - 6:08am

Unknown to hubby's Ex we share his e-mail...the address is in his name..but we both use the account. Most of his family & freinds have said from day 1..."she must wake up every day of her life and say WHAT HAVE I DONE!" He took so much crap from her...for so many years...she thought he would put up with it forever.

I've mentioned this before....but
Last year she sent him an e-mail on their wedding anniversary. "Thinking of you often..... Especially today....Wish we could be freinds...."

I saw it first and was in shock!! They hadn't spoken since court 2 years earlier!!

I called him over..he couldn't believe it either..together we typed a response. Which began something like ....STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!! I CAN"T STAND YOU!!!

He then printed a copy of her e-mail...drove to her boyfriends house...(the one she messed around with for the last year of thier marriage)...and gave him a copy...and told him to ..KEEP YOUR GIRLFRIEND AWAY FROM ME!!

We didn't hear anything rom her on thier anniversary this year.....

I think you & your hubby need to discuss this ... and for him (with you present if possible) respond to this e-mail and for him to make her understand in no uncertain terms..that she will NOT ALWAYS BE HIS WIFE...he does NOT reciprocate those feelings... he is MADLY HEAD OVER HEALS in love with YOU....YOU are his WIFE!!

It worked in our case....