New To This
Thanks to anyone who reads this and has any words of advice!
I'm a fairly new stepmom (1y) and our intra-family relations seem to be steadily going downhill, and I'm afraid it's all my fault. I had high hopes for my role as a stepmom, I thought I could be a special friend to my stepson, a source of support and advice to both parents, and play an overall positive role in everybody's life. Idealistic?
Because I'm around to babysit, stepson has been able to spend a lot more time with his dad. He really likes it with us, and he loves to be with his dad. So one day he asks me, if he moved in with us, could he bring his hamster? It was a very innocent conversation, that was mostly coming from him, with me just answering his questions, but I did ask him if he would like to live with us. He said he would sometimes.
This conversation started WWIII. According to his mom I was manipulating him. He told me later his mother had said he would never be able to live with us now because it was my idea. I assured him that the decision would be between his dad and mom, and that his mom was not the only one calling the shots (which got me in trouble again, of course). After all this I left all conversations like this up to his dad. Mom even wanted to call me and tell me what I could and couldn't say, but my husband wouldn't allow it. My husband told my stepson to talk only to him and his mom about things like this, but I think he's afraid to talk to either of his parents because they both tend to get emotional and upset.
I don't know what to do. I would like to call a truce, clear the air, whatever, but my husband is convinced that the ex and I should stay totally separate. It makes me wonder if he is afraid of his ex.
Has anyone been through this who could offer some advice? Should I leave everything up to my husband, or would it help if I talked personnally to the ex? Does anything need to be said to the stepson, and who should say it? If there is anything I can do to make it easier on my stepson and happier for my husband, I would be willing to do it. In reading other posts, it appears that our situation is actually not that bad. Still, it's frustrating for me and I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks!
I wouldn't talk to her. Just
I wouldn't talk to her. Just my opinion. She's going to take it as you interfering and you'll get to hear the "He's not yours and you have no rights here" speech. I would let your husband handle it, as long as he stands up for you and your household.
My experience has been that the mere thought of my being anything close to a parental figure to the SK was enough to turn the ex into a raging psycho. I wouldn't intentionally put myself in the middle. It's not your responsibility. As long as your husband understands that you weren't trying to create problems he can take it from here.
I would tell your husband
I would tell your husband what happened exactly and that it was their son that said those things and not you. Ex will of course blame it on you, I've been through that before. In the future, I would discuss it only w/your husband regarding what son says and leave it up to him & ex to discuss issues re: their son. It will be hard as a stepmother, most decisions regarding stepson will be agreed only between the two of them. I would just leave everything up to your husband and trust him that he will not jeopardize your household. Just let your husband know that you'll need to be informed on any decisions they make. I would play that mom role fully especially when it comes to stepchildren. It's a different role totally.
What can I say?
What is your opinion on what I should & shouldn't say to the child? I know his mother says negative things about me to him, is it appropriate for me to defend myself or do I always have to leave that to Dad? So far I've taken a vow of silence, except for chit chat, since our last conversation blew up in my face, but I would like to tell the stepson that nothing was his fault & I'm not mad at him, etc., I'm not talking about saying mean things about his mom or anything. Dad is not a great communicator, and not good at talking about "feelings", and never wants to really say anything negative about mom. I know this isn't a huge issue, I just feel powerless! If this wasn't a stepfamily issue I would be totally in control, but now I have all these restrictions. Am I being too controlling?
What to say or not say to
What to say or not say to stepchild?
Don't =
1) bad mouth his mother
2) discuss issues regarding divorce & visitation schedule
3) compare households
4) ask him/her about how his mother is doing or what she is doing
Do =
1) be a friend to him/her; you can't fully be a mother figure type
2) be positive, discuss happy things, remember you're dealing w/a child.
3) have fun w/the child
4) if he/she asks you something & you don't know how to respond tell him/her you'll think about it and get back to him/her.
Ex will always say negative stuff about you to the child or others but don't let that get to you. Don't stoop down to her level. Discuss things w/your husband only. Let your husband decide on what to do with it. Trust him, as long as he doesn't jeopordize your household. Let your husband communicate w/ex don't even talk to her.
To new stepmonster...I have been there...
Hi...I had the same kinds of thoughts and beliefs going into my second marriage with stepchildren. I learned the hard way that it is best to discuss my opinions with my husband and leave it at that. Of course, things that impacted us both would be decided by both of us. I found myself getting very resentful of my stepkids and the exwife and her involvement in our lives. This created a distance between my husband and I and, in the end, our relationship suffered.
My advice...do some reading about step parenting, get some pro-active counselling about the dynamics in step families. I didn't. I am now and WOW...what terrific information. My husband and I actually ended up buying separate homes and "unblending" for a while but are doing some work to reconcile our relationship and I am ecstatic. We both made some errors in communication, decision making, etc. and needed to understand how this whole step parenting thing works for us.
So hang in there. Take whatever steps you need to clear the air, start fresh, forgive and forget and move on. Maintain your ideals but anchor them in some tried and true advice BEFORE things get really off track. Believe me...we didn't do this and wish we would have. Good luck...don't give up on your relationship or you!