Key to the house
Hey guys - so I know this is the current poll but I just wondered what your thoughts are on this............ my stepkids return to their mom tomorrow for 5 days - I always have a problem with these days because as I have written before a day off is never a day off - my SD rides the bus home to the end of our street every day from school and biomom is supposed to pick her up on her days at the stop - ideal situation being that I don't have to see either of them on those days - well it never works out that way - biomom is always late or if she's early my SD will ask to be driven up to our house so she can get some silly thing that she apparently "can't do without" this is an issue that my husband and I can never agree on - my viewpoint is that the kids need to plan for their time at mom's and not assume it's ok to call every day to our house (they can't do this with biomom on our days) - my husband on the otherhand can't understand why it's not ok - try the fact that biomom has snooped round before when I wasn't home or that biomom and I can't stand each other so the thought of my house being readily open to her whilst i'm not there makes me very uncomfortable or the fact that my husband is at work and doesn't have to deal with my SD's alter ego - (she becomes a totally different person with biomom) - anyway I digress - so she is going on a school trip tomorrow and won't be home until late, she has a school dance this week on biomom's day but wants to wear a dress that's here - when i ask her to pack it up and we'll send it home with her brother she says she'll just call after school for it - well if this was a one-off i'd be ok with it but it's not so I don't want her to - i tell her i may not be home so she says she wants a key - my best response is that she doesn't have one at her mom's why should she have one here - she says she lives here too and her mom is having one made so i say well when your mom has it made let me know and we'll revisit it (lame i know but i was stuck for what to say) then the next thing i know she's crying to my husband about it - he then comes to me and says he feels really bad and why can't she have a key? he says he can't imagine not being able to come to his own house at that age - i can't either but hey - my parents weren't divorced - i feel very strongly about this - i absolutely do not want her to have a key but i just wonder if i'm disadvantaging her because of biomom whom i hate with a passion. What bothers me more about it is my husband's approach which is to tell her he feels really bad about it thus making out it's because of me that she has no key - why couldn't he channel his energy into helping her see that she doesn't have this priviledge at her mom's and also that she's 13 not 17 - i mean what is the need for a 13 year old to have a key if on the days she is there she can always gain access - we're in separate rooms now doing our own thing - my husband and i - in order to avoid an argument but i know he feels bad - just like he felt bad cos he couldn't give her everything she wanted at the store tonight (i wrote about that earlier) what's wrong with him that he can't just tell her that's the way it is in this situation and encourage her to plan - i'm so frustrated with him cos he just doesn't get it
The key thing is a tough
The key thing is a tough one! The girls are small right now (6 and 5) so for us it is a no brainer that they don’t have any need for a key….But once they get older I don’t know how we will handle that one…First and foremost, I don’t feel like the bio moms (yes I deal with double the trouble!) have any need to be in my house unless they are invited in (which is VERY RARE) to wait. But snooping around…completely out of order! If the child is old enough to have a key to the house then that means they are capable of taking care of themselves for the most part (i.e. the biomom can wait IN THE CAR until the child is finished doing whatever needs to be done in the house) I have been in the girls life since they were 2 & 1 and I don’t have any biokids yet so I am very close with them and once they get of age, I cannot imagine telling them that they cannot have a key to our house. That is easy for me to say now that we aren’t facing that situation but I hope when the time comes I will still feel the same. I had a biological father whose house I felt like a visitor at (I didn’t even have a room there, they had two extra rooms one they turned into a “guest room” and the other an exercise room”) and I know that is a horrible feeling for a child. Maybe, if you have to give the key (i.e. if the mom gives one and she questions you about it again) you can give the key with some strict rules one being that she is to let NO ONE (not even her mother) enter your home. Laying down the rules can help because if/when she violates them for the first time then you can quickly take the key from her and the issue is DEAD…
I think the Dad's have a lot
I think the Dad's have a lot of guilt issues...they are usually the ones who "abandon" their children by leaving the family home. Somemtimes they lose perspective and they don't have freinds or groups like this to talk it out & help them sort through all the different emotions. I secretly worried when my 16 yr old SD(at the time) was given a key to our house...not because she would let her mother in our home...but because her mother is such a nut..what if she made a copy, etc., it all worked out O.K. My 13 yr old has a key for the odd time she beats us home after school, etc. I think Nise gave you wonderful advice. If the mother & child can't follow the "key" rules the priviledge is revoked with no-one to blame but themselves.
Thanks guys
I really want to give her a key but I know deep down it will end up more hassle for me because she has invited her mom into my home before when I wasn't here and taken her upstairs (which I find incredibly invasive), she's constantly stopping by for stuff without so much as a courtesy phone call and when I'm not home she leaves me curt messages on the phone annoyed that I have the nerve to leave the house. I have told my husband that I'm not adverse to giving her a key but I think we should have her demonstrate that she can be responsible by planning some things in advance - it was only last week we got a call first thing whilst still asleep to ask for dad to bring a shirt to school cos mom couldn't be bothered to bring her to get it or she couldn't be bothered to remember to bring it to mom's - I think it will be very stressful for me to give her a key but the bottom line is the reason i'm not giving her a key is because of her mom not her and i suppose she doesn't deserve that - i only got to know her at aged 11 so we're not big on the whole bonding thing - we get along but I always feel it's more of a tolerance of each other than an enjoyable relationship. Nise - did not having a key at your dad's house cause you to have any negative impact on your relationship with your dad - both my stepkids have their own rooms here and live here like it is their home - I just have this issue of why can't a day off be a day off - giving her a key just opens up all kinds of scenarios for me.
No it was not the issue of
No it was not the issue of having a key or not having a key. It was the issue of always feeling like a visitor there (i.e. it was NEVER an option that I would get off the bus and go over there, as I said I didn’t have a space there that was my own and there was not visitation schedule mostly just special occasions and even that was sparingly) so that is where the negative impact came from. It sounds like your situation is nothing like that (I couldn’t imagine having clothing at my father’s house!). You know your situation better than any of us and it sounds like you are sure of the fact that giving her a key will be more trouble than it is worth.