Joint custody/joint expenses?
Hey everyone,
just looking some feedback/advice. My stepchildren arrived at our house yesterday after 5 days with biomom, the first day is always a little awkward as we ease them back in but upon first arrival, my SS announces "my mom says I have to wear these pants back to her house and I need to bring some extra pants back too" and my SD says " I need $50 next Wed for a school trip, a new bathing suit for the trip and a new dress for my end of school dance". Well the pants my SS was wearing were a pair that I had bought him and having checked his closet I discovered that the only pants in there are ones I had bought him plus he was missing 2/3 pairs that I had bought which were currently at his mom's. And my SD - well she and I have fun shopping and it's a good relationship builder for us but all the new stuff I buy her ends up at her mom's and NEVER comes back. It really bugs me because 1) biomom is getting good child support IMO, 2) she is getting spousal support when she shouldn't cos she has a guy living with her and 3) she works just like the rest of us so I have to wonder what she does with all her money, oh that's right, she buys clothes for herself, goes on vacation, drives a brand new car, buys a purebred dog etc etc etc. I told my SS to have his mom call me cos I don't know what pants she's looking for, well he copped an attitude with me cos he clearly doesn't grasp the issue and in some ways I think why should he - I mean the kid just wants pants to wear but why must we supply them for her and I told my SD I may not have money to go shopping cos we have a bunch of bills to pay - not true but I thought well at least it gets me off the hook but why wouldn't her mom want to buy a school dance dress with her - I'm torn - I want to do right by the kids but it makes my blood boil she never buys them anything and yet we have a huge chunk of our income headed her way every week. Ahhhhhhhhhh - it's good to vent.
If you have to pay a huge chunk
If you have to pay a huge chunk to her, including spousal support, you're darn right she should be buying more for the kids.
We don't have to pay spousal support. My husband was never married to biomom. We do pay her child support but she doesn't really buy anything extra for stepson with it. We have stepson 2/3rds of the time. We pay for pretty much everything. I am fine with buying/paying for what stepson needs because if he were ours, we would be the only ones paying anyway. Biomom only really pays for some clothes that she keeps at her house and whatever food and supplies he would use while he is with her. Her rent would be the same with or without stepson because she has another child and her ex-boyfriend living with her.
We pay for clothes, school fees, school supplies, all extracirricular activities, trumpet for band, haircuts, school lunches, shoes, jackets, coats, insurance fees, etc. These are all things that biomom never pays for. In my opinion, I don't think that we should have to pay biomom anything. I think she has it pretty good in the expense department anyway!
Dawn
Expenses...
In our situation, we only pay for child support. Biomom pays for everything else extra. She is a spender so we don't want to be involved in that, whatever extra she wants for son, she pays for it. Kimpac, as for your SS asking for all those things, don't be mad at him, it's his mom who you have to talk to. The child is probably all upset and bothered by the fact he is being used as a middle person to communicate this out to you. Talk to his mom and discuss it, if you can't afford getting clothes right now then tell her. To me, childsupport money is suppose to be going to the child expenses and not for biomom's own pleasure. One day biomom emailed my husband,spilling out her guts about her own financial struggle so that my husband can feel sorry for her and maybe give her more money. I was frustrated when I saw that email and told him that he shouldn't respond to that, that we are in no obligation to help her finances, if she is going through that problem, that is her responsibility and not ours. She is a constant shopper so to me that's her fault. My husband never replied back to her email, he know better than give her an inch about anything cause she'll take a mile. So to me, be honest, if you can't afford it then tell her. Hope everything goes well.
It's not that we can't afford it.......
I'm just fed up with it being us who are expected to pay for everything else all the time - if we pay child and spousal support then paying full wack for everything else seems like we're being short changed - I don't mind paying for things but if we're already out of pocket a hefty sum each month why shouldn't we be expected to pay half at most. Seems biomom has her cake and gets to eat it too.
Mac...
Could you guys split the cost of unexpected expenses? What does the court papers say? Our court papers say that the child support provides for clothing, living expenses, food. And that all the other unexpected cost is to be mutually agreed on of who pays for it or shared. If it is something unnecessary and biomom wants it then she pays for it, same on our side. All in all, maybe you and your husband should sit w/biomom to discuss this issue and get it fair and square on both sides. I know what you're feeling, I wouldn't want to be in that situation either especially if was not mutually agreed upon.
I agree with you, just pay
I agree with you, just pay the CS and stop all the other stuff. No one is making you do it. Also maybe avoid having the child over around the expense time, lol. The ex gets the check for such expenses. imo Save all that money and take a trip with hubby!
Terri I love your outlook
I've read a few comments you've made and you're so black and white. Step-parenting is a very grey area. Obviously no-one is making us pay for it but if we don't pay then the kids go without and I don't want that either. I just believe that both households need to share the costs, we have 50/50 custody so we can't avoid having the children over - that made me laugh
because for one the kids are sent to us asking for us to pay stuff even when it's not on our days and two, of course we want to see them, I just wish BM would be responsible and not make them feel they're in the middle. I think if I were a BM I'd have some class and share things equally.
Make a Plan
Then you probably need to decide, either pay support only, or suck it up and pay what you need to while the children are living with you. Don't expect her to pay, but when their with bm she can pay those expenses.
I would stick to a plan, and not complain later. Too often we keep shooting ourselves in the foot. ( its grey because you've allowed it to become that way.)
Above all don't discuss money matters with the children or put them in the middle or telling them to ask the other parent. Thats very cruel imo
Actually
I would and have give the kids half of the money for what it costs and when they whine that it isn't enough I tell them that a) I am sure their BM loves them enough to give them her half of it and b) the other half is in the check she gets every month.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
We get no support at all
I don't know what a person can do. I'm sure the stresses that ex tries to intentionally inflict on us isn't good for us in the long run. It isn't fun to go through either.
In our case custody is written up as 50/50 but that is far from the truth. The boys see biomom for one supper a month, no overnights. When my husband and biomom split, she cashed out a savings bond for the boys and has never paid it back. She has never paid any child support even though she works. Our youngest needed braces she didn't contribute anything. That's just the way it is.
What really burns me is she has bought one a cheapo pair of runners and the other a windbreaker from a second hand shop, and it's THE BEST PAIR OF RUNNERS AND THE BEST WINDBREAKER EVER. It's enough to make me want to scream.
Sherrylyn...
Why on earth haven't you guys applied for child support through your state's division of child support enforcement?! That's crazy! If she were a dad, she'd be paying out the ass for CS and have the hounds of hell tracking her down for every dime. Since you have them all the time, anyway, I'd get the custody changed, but you can go to the DCSE now to get a support order in the meantime.
~ Anne ~
Nothing can come of nothing.
(Shakespeare, King Lear)
Biomom always gets the free pass
Sherrylyn, ain't that the truth, no matter what great things we may do for our stepchildren biomom will do far far less and still be conceived as the greatest thing since sliced bread. I checked our court papers and there's no mention of additional expenses and how they should be split just that dad has to pay child and spousal support and provide day care every day. Yesterday was funny though - my mother-in-law got on board my train (for once cos she's usually with my husband on all things or the opposite of everything I say or do although we get along great) so she says to SD at lunch why not call your mom and ask her to give you some money towards all these things you're asking for" well SD says why should she - it was very interesting because for the first time my mother-in-law seemed to have the measure of her and I thought - about time too - it's not necessarily SD's fault - it's been drummed into her but if we never try to challenge it we'll never change it - I was glad of the extra support.
Everything to the baby
My fiance has been married twice. He has three adult daughters, 22, 20 and 19 from a first marriage, and a 6 year old from his second marriage. His second wife convinced him to leave EVERYTHING to his 6 yr old, and nothing to the other three. In the divorce decree, she had him specify that the house and all of the belongings are for the 6 yr old. She is very controlling and he said he gave in to her for the sake of a smoother divorce. Now everytime I visit his home, his wife reminds him that he is bringing another woman into his daughter's house. Is there any way he can change that arrangement through a will or must he now abide by the Divorce Decree? Can he amend the decree?
You could do a will, but
You could do a will, but that will only result in a huge fight in probate court if/when he dies. It might be better to get a lawyer and try for a modification now. You might get the ex to consent if you are willing to get a life insurance policy payable to her as trustsee for the child in the event of his death. I don't know what the house and belongings are worth, but dealing with this matter in probate court could take years, while a life insurance policy is payable immediately after turning the death certificate in to the insurance company. The ex just might buy off on that, if she sees a larger number after that dollar sign. Also, if the child is six, I don't see how he could possibly be bound to stay in that house until his death. I mean, things change. Neighborhoods go downhill, people improve their situations and move into bigger/better homes, people get laid off and have to sell their home, etc. It's a pretty unreasonable situation. If you can't get out of it, then your fiance should consider getting separete life insurance policies payable to you and his other three girls to make it a little more even. Life insurace can be gotten fairly inexpensively.
Don't Worry
I had to read that twice. First of all he can change things at any time. If you are indeed marrying him you will need to be added to the deed if you guys don't sell that home. Getting married changes a lot right there, but I would get that ironed out before hand.
My suggestion is to make sure you get property that is titled joint with right of survivorship. That is not subject to any inheritance laws. If you or your spose dies it is 100% the other spouses.
Don't worry he can redo his wills, trusts or what have you and will need to since he is remarrying. As long as he hasn't quit claimed anything and still holds title its his to do as he wishes. Hope it all works out.
WOW she must have been pretty good..
As a father what was he thinking.. He has 4 children not 1.. I am sorry a little disgusted by what he did and what this woman made him do. My ex-father in law did that to my ex and his 2 brothers. But gave the daughter a house.. Its sickening.. And the rest he left to his GF.. Ok.. I would contact an attorney. Just to find out.. Sounds to me like he could revise the decree. I am not sure if a will would override the decree or not.. You may be able to get online and ask that question.. Anyways.. I wish you luck.. And I would tell your fiance you want to move.. Give the bitchy ex wife the house and buy something else.. And then remind her that the new house is you and your husbands.. She sounds like a huge BITCH.. Wow..
Send a note
Rather than getting SS and SD involved - and that is why BM told them those things (so that you would find it hard to say no to children) - as a stepmom, I would draft a note, place it in a sealed envelope and send it back to BM signed from both DH and me - or just DH if need be.
Try something like:
Dear BM,
SS and SD have indicated that they need $X and $Y for X and Y.
It is our/my opinion that the $X amount you are paid in spousal and child support each month is more than adequate to cover such expenses and is within the scope of items for which this money is intended.
If you would like us to purchase/pay for these items we are happy to do so and can deduct the amount of these expenses from the regular payments which are made by us to you each month.
Please let us/me know how you would like to proceed.
Kind regards,
XXXXXX
_________
My hunch is that the skids will not have any more cloaked comments from BM next time they visit.
I recieve child support but
I recieve child support but my ex and I agreed that I would not take him to court for modification when he recived a nice raise last year as long as he helped pay some of the extras for our boys and for the most part he does I don't ask for much though maybe a pair of soccer cleats or baseball pants oh and he pays one luch bill and I pay the other( they run pretty close to the same amount) During wrestling season the parent who has bs pays for the tournament that week and keeps the trophy at there house.
I send a suitcase full of clothes for both boys when they go to visit even though I know they don't wear them at least he can't say they weren't provided. Sports equipment goes back and forth it is just to expensive to have a set at each house. So far this has worked for us. But I am engaged and he doesn't have anyone in his life that the boys or I am aware of so it can always change down the road.
sharing expenses
I read the note from Proud Mom regarding support. It sounds very similar to a situation we had with my DH's ex. It didn't last long. DH pays court-ordered support. Over the last few years he has received small, gradual raises (but still makes less money than BM).He also dramatically increased the amount of money he spends on his daughters. He agreed to pay 1/2 for extra expenses such as camp, trips with the school band, new bicycles etc. BM started demanding more and more money for almost all expenses. EG. she needed gas for her car and was out of money.
Then she threatened to take him to court to have his support amount increased. PLUS she wants him to pay 50% of everything. We decided enough was enough. We found a child support table that outlines exactly how much he has to pay. (available in Canada). We told her we would start paying that amount, (it is enormous) but could not afford 50% of extra's on top of it. She got very snotty and said "fine, I'll give the children all the money they need". You can imagine how things are now. She gets almost double the amount of money she used to get, but now she complains about every single expense and every single dime she ever has to spend on her daughters. My husband has 2 insurance companies that cover 75% of SD's braces. BM also has insurance but the coverage is not as good and she gets small bills of leftover amounts due on the braces. (Somtimes she owes about $125). She screams and flips out over this money. Gets in the DH's face and says "I HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS!" - as if he pays for nothing, as if his insurance (that he also pays for) did not cover anything. It never seems to end. She wants it both ways. Pay me and pay for everything. Money-hungry whiny boot! Sorry, just had to let that out.