Am I being unreasonable?
Ok, I'm thrilled to have found this site because I really need some advice from people in a similar position as myself. I've been married 5 months to a wonderful guy and we have been living together for over a year, we have joint custody of his 2 children who have ADD (a condition they both manipulate to their advantage and a condition everyone else uses to explain their increasingly bad behaviour - i'm not convinced, try discipline) Anyway my husband's ex seems intent on making our relationship as difficult as possible - there have been too many situations to mention over the last 3 years and there's absolutely no love lost between she and I, I've tried to be reasonable and to give numerous chances to her but I'm now at the point where I just can't stand her. So my recent dilemma is this: last Thursday which was her day for the kids my stepson had a musical at school and both his dad and I pondered whether we should go or not - the mother never goes on our days and any time we're in the same room together it's a fight for superiority. So we went and I ended up feeling very hurt, we waited after the show to say hi and both the kids completely ignored me and she shunted me out of the scene so I looked like the spare part and my husband who was caught up in the situation didn't notice me and was too busy engaging in conversation with his ex-wife - so I was ticked off because not only did the kids ignore me but so did he and she was very condescending to me - anyway my husband later apologised and we made up. So we are supposed to be having our 5 day break from the kids but every day his ex is calling, first was Thursday, then she called on Friday to say she needed to pick up tennis shoes for her son's baseball practice cos he has no shoes at her house - hello? BUY SOME - we pay you enough money, then on Saturday my stepson had a baseball game and although my husband and I had discussed what we'd do about the baseball on her days - basically she'd take him her days we'd take him our days the ex-wife called him and invited my husband to the game, then the son called and invited his dad to the game, I was univited and my husband agreed to go. Now my question is this and the situation isn't as simple as I've listed it, I suppose I'm just abbreviating, cutting out 90% of all the other crap I endure, but if my husband and I agreed how we'd handle this and he then went on to say he'd go even when he knew he'd agreed with me not to go, am I wrong for feeling let down? I know she wanted to play happy families with him hence the reason i wasn't invited and he said he ended up sitting in the dug out the whole time but nonetheless if we had previously agreed we wouldn't go should he have gone on without me. Of course an argument ensued when he got home, my side being that he NEVER puts me first even when we talk things over and he knows what I want him to do, his side being that he'll support his kids no matter what and if I can't handle it then too bad. I guess I'd just like some advice on whether I'm overreacting or not but for me it's just another case of me being shoved to the back of the line and his kids and or ex-wife taking precedence - I didn't break up their marriage so why must I always be the one to suffer?
First of all, your story
First of all, your story sounds very much like mine. My stepson does have ADHD. However, he gets more discipline at our house than at biomom's house. Also, we used to get ignored (especially me) a lot. That, however, has gotten better the older stepson gets.
Now on to your husband. Yes, he should support his kids but not at your expense. You're his wife! My husband has had to tell biomom that "Dawn is my wife and she WILL be there". End of story. Is it a private baseball game? I doubt it. Anyone can probably come and watch. Biomom just doesn't want you there. Well, too bad!!!! Your husband needs to stick up for you!!!!! Your husband is letting biomom control him!!!
Dawn
kipmac...
I agree with Dawn, your husband needs to support you. He could at least asked you if you wanted to go even though she didn't invite you. Go w/him next time if you want to go even though that will irritate the ex. Make the ex know that where ever your husband goes you'll be there too. Ultimately you need to make your husband support you and your decisions together 100%. Don't feel bad if you get invited or not, make your presence known by being around. Ex will always be in your lives, she'll be manipulating and evil but as long as you and your husband stand your ground she won't be stepping all over you guys.
Resolution
Hey Guys, thanks for your replies - so we finally sat down yesterday and aired our views. My husband, as always, comes round to my way of thinking long after the event has passed. I told him that I was rarely proven wrong in all of these situations and that it would be nice if he could try to see that before he and I get into a full blown argument. I suppose it's hard for him to accept he gets it wrong more often than he gets it right. I, for my part, accepted that he was put in an awkward spot because I know he finds it very hard to say no to his son in these situations. So on Wednesday when it's her day and another game is on we're not gonna go, neither of us, just to show that 1) he won't be manipulated and 2) when he does go he'll be with me and we agreed the next game after that on her day we'd go together regardless of anyone else so I guess it ended on a good note. For me I just get tired of dealing with it all the time but I guess we put ourselves in these situations so we must accept what goes with it.
...Your spouse on your side, yipee!
Glad to hear you both sat down and make things clear. SUPPORT and LOVE is what we all need from our spouse! Way to go girl! I feel a lot better everyday knowing that my husband and I can talk about anything and everything we want to clear up. 6 yrs into marriage and it has finally come to that understanding that we both have and we are happier and relieve that we are not having any more blow ups.
Hey, I just got ignored too
When my husband picked my stepson up last night for his Boy Scout meeting, I decided to ride along. I brought our dog along for the ride since stepson hadn't seen her for 4 days so I thought he would enjoy seeing her. Guess what happened? Stepson got in the car and acted like the dog and I weren't even there. He didn't say one word!!! This kind of behavior gets worse and worse the more time he spends with his mother. I feel like I am going to have to start all over with him!!
Dawn
ignore,ignore,ignore!
Dawn, my stepson does that to me all the time, he doesn't say hi when he sees me or anything for that matter. Everytime I look at him he looks like his mother, stuck up and irritating. I don't want to sound mean, but that is what he does, he ignores me. It's like his mom tells him to do that with me. I'm just up to my neck w/his attitude, next time he does that I'm going to yell at him and tell him where are his manners! I don't expect my relationship w/him is going to get better, it's been going on for 6 yrs now, I could care less at this point.
Dawn and Happy Mom
THank you two for all the priceless advice...I have a similar problem...when we get son back, he reminds me of her...her complaining, talking about materialistic things, slight rudeness. Then we get him for five days and at the end of the fifth day, he is such a great kid. It is too bad she is such a rotten apple. But you guys are right on it with spouses having to be supportive to us and set limits with the exs
2 steps forward 5 back
Each week we have the skids, we make progress on behavior and school but each week we send them back we lose the progress and then some because bm is not a mother to them at all. Their 21 year old sister (not dh's) is more of a parent to them that bm, but she is a horrible influence on the skids as well! like Maya said, by the end of the week things are great with them. They totally change the minute they change into the clothes for their mom's house (another controlling thing of hers).
they're just kids
Ladies:
Here's the thing about that transition period - my sd is now 19 and has talked to me extensively about ther period when she used to be bounced back and forth between her parents (we have now had full custody for several years). She told me that she would settle in at one house and adjust to the rules and miss the other parent terrible. Just as she would adjust to one house, it would be time to move to the other where the rules etc were very different. She would feel guilty about missing a parent when she was with the other parent, feel weird about the difference in rules and feel like she was constantly in a position of having to choose who was right and who was wrong. She dealt with this from age 5. These are children who are looking to the two people who were supposed to give them guidance and stability and unconditional love and suddenly, there are conditions on the love and the guidance conflicts. It absolutely SUCKS to be the stepmom who gets the brunt of this confusion but as angry as you get with the kids, they are just children. The adults in their life should learn to put them first - even if it is only one half of her bio-parents. My sk's biomom is insane and has repeatedly hurt them, tried to destroy their relationship with their dad, me, their half-siblings and continues to this day. I think we made it through with them because we worked very hard to give them the space to figure it out, to not blame them or badmouth her to them - in short, we were a contrast to her insanity and vile attempts to separate them from us. It was a LONG LONG LONG process and very painful for all of us. You need to be the safe place, teach them by example and blame biomom but not them. When they are old enough to know better - by end of h.s. - you can be more open about their actions and choices and biomom's influence.
How long is this "Transition" period??
I am the step mom of two and bio mom of three. My hubby and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and I am STILL dealing with this same type of b.s! When does it end? I seriously don't know how much longer I can put up with it. I feel like a rat that gets the left over scraps that fall on the floor!
WOW
THIS STORY SURE SOUNDS LIKE MINE.....
To SSNY: Thank you
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I have to remind myself of those just things you emphasized in your post--it is not the child's fault, when he/she is old enough you can explain/they will open up about things, and most importantly--the beginning of your reply is of grand importance. Kids are getting bounced back and forth. In an ideal situation rules and discipline. Kids need consistency. Having two separate households and a limited time to adjust on top of a possible unfit/unrealistic parent role model is a dangerous situation. Thanks for putting things into perspective and reminding us that, in essence, they are still learning and developing human beings.
Good point made however.......
some behaviour should not be excused or ignored simply because the children are in a transition from household to household. I understand the point you are making and I agree wholeheartedly however I believe it is important to teach my stepchildren to respect people whether it be their parents, their step-parents, their teachers, their peers, adult friends and family, whoever. Treat people as you would like to be treated. Respect people as you would like to be respected. My s/d has been pushing me to the limits recently partly I tell myself because she is fiercely loyal to her psycho mom, partly because she's a teenager and partly because she has been raised to be rude and disrespectful and doesn't know any better. So I do make allowances for her but last week she went way too far and I simply called her to one side and told her in no uncertain terms that while she was under her father's and my roof she would follow our rules and she would respect me because if she didn't her priviledges would be revoked and her perks at our house would stop indefinitely. I told her " I have never treated you disrespectfully, I have never ignored you, I have never embarassed you or talked down to you in front of friends and family so where does she get the idea that it's ok to do all those things with me " did she want me to do that to her so she'd know just how it really feels? well she balled and yelled and turned on the waterworks and my husband thought I was way too harsh but as I told him every now and again our children need to be told the truth in plain language - not dressed up in the trappings of divorce situations - not sugar coated, not anything - just plain old English, she was hurt but I know I'd do the same thing if I was her biological mother, children need to know where they're going wrong if they're to modify their behaviour and sometimes excusing it because of their circumstances will help in the short term but not necessarily in the long term and I believe it is the long term which is more important, which will shape our children for the future.
Kipmac
I totally agree with you. Especially if the kids are old enough to understand the situation. My stepson has trouble with the transition days too but you're right. It doesn't give him the right to disrespect anybody. We try and give him a little slack on those days but when it comes down to it, you can't let them get away with horrible behavior. That just teaches them that it is ok.
Dawn
Of course respect is needed
I was certainly not advocating that sk can act however they want and hide in the cover of the trauma of divorce. There is a reasonable level of understanding and there is just plain bad behavior. We have never allowed rudeness or disrespect but have tried to make some allowances for distance, coldness or confusion about rules from house to house. I think the guideline of the behavior you would expect from your own child is a good one. As they get older and mature, the discussions can become more open and blunt if need be. If they go too far, call them on it. I just didn't want us to give in to the temptation to blame the child (esp young ones) for repeating what they hear in the other house or what they are taught in the other house. They get it eventually if you keep trying and love them.
Why only go to half the activities???
We have always gone to everything that we know about. I don't want to miss a thing and no one should expect DH or you to either. Are you two not DH and SM when he's not with you?
BM would just have to get used to us being there at everything TOGETHER everytime. Too bad for her if she doesn't want to be there on your time. Her loss. You two shouldn't miss a minute.
There's nothing that states you all have to be anywhere near each other. No one should expect you guys to set with her. If she ushers the kids out without letting them say bye to you all, then she's shows herself to everyone. The kids know you were there and that's all that's important. No matter, never get into in front of the kids. Call the kids soon after and talk with them about the event. That will belittle her ushering out.
I've never understood that type of set up. I wouldn't want to miss anything my skids or BD do. What if the game you miss is the big first basket or hit??? No way. I think you two need to decide if this set up works for you or not. Whatever it is, make sure you do it as a unit. No more of this inviting him and not you b-s.
By the way, I've notice how other divorcees behave when the new spouse isn't around and it is ridiculous. One EW won't speak to EH if his new girl is there, but she's all over his ass when she's not around. It's pathetic. I'm sure it goes visa versa too.
With me, you get what you see.
Confused!
Is there a place on this website that I can decifer all of the acronyms being used? What is EW, and EH?
Ex Husband Ex Wife
Oh my gosh I can't belive you picked up on that Stepped On...The one time I attended my ss's track event, my Dh ex never came near us - we waved. HOWEVER, at the next event I couldn't attend, my hubby said that she TRACKED him down (ha! - He probabaly tracked her down so he didn't have to sit alone.) and then chewed his ear off the whole time...Honestly, I was pissed. NExt time I swear I'll walk over to her and tell her in my sweet voice.."listen, you don't have to sit alone, please join us. Hubby said you have no probloem when I'm not here, so don't be shy."
I am with Stepped on!!
We go to all functions- our day or not... it started with Pre School graduation and YES BM made a scene... but she aslo learned to get used to the fact that WE are all parents... and no one wants to miss anything. I think it is important that the kids know that you are THERE for them no matter what day of the week it is. Emotionally and physically.
Sweatheart- no where to find em, just gotta try to figure em out... or ask! EW= Ex Wife EH= Ex Husband
Mellissa
Just skip back to ssny's reply
Please don't think for one second we don't add all these factors into our final decisions made with the Skids. I too have all the same problems I read about on this site everyday and as you have lived it, I am sure you understand. This site is not about attacking children or BM's but simply to vent on these lovely ladies instead of DH or the Skids, get some much needed advice or simply see if you're sane another day or over-reacting. Although I for one appreciate you pointing these things out to remind us that the skids have some awful situations they must adjust to but, but so do SM's. And here is one place that the true feelings we endure everyday can come out without repercussion from, DH,SK,BM, relatives or anyone in the family who chooses to stick their beak in and tell you you're not handling this right!! Let me take this opportunity to say thankyou to everyone who has replied to my posts in the last 2 weeks and made me feel I can talk to someone.
Catch
xx
When I get ignored...
from my stepkids who I really do adore...I just go over and say in my Queens, NY accent..."Hey, what am I, chopped liver????" Gets them laughing and helps me to not resent them for forgetting me, their fairy god stepmother.
Question from a BioMom
I have read quite a few posts on here trying to get a feel of different situations. I have been divorced since March 2006 and in November 2006 my EH remarried. Needless to say, me and wife #3 do not get along at all and it is fine by both of us. I have been the step Mom also and I know that it is not the easiest place in the world to be. I just read alot of bashing of the BM! What about when the SM is making the 3 year old call her Mommy, repeatedly telling her that her daughter is now her sister and reminding her over and over again. I have thrown my fair share of ugly comments back and forth with her, but continue to get harassed by emails telling me that "she is everything that I wasn't" and " that i am jealous because she has replaced me in his life" and "she is now her mommy also"
Yes, I dislike this woman with every fiber of my being at the moment, not because she is with him, BUT because she has put herself in things that are not her business (before they were married). Yes, we all need to get along for my daughters sake, but it is very hard when you have Lucifer to deal with. She gets jealous and starts her BS whenever me and EH get along. It is like she gets off when me and my ex are fighting.
The ugliness is on both sides....
The Biological Mommy!
Answer from BM and SM
As has been said at least a zillion times on this forum, we all are here to vent about OUR OWN PARTICULAR, INDIVIDUAL SITUATIONS. Some of us have LOTS of difficulties with our respective BM's and this is where we come to dump our anger, seek support/advice and just feel as though we are not alone. You can't take it personally unless someone personally attacks YOU.
Someone else pointed out a long time ago - I apologize, I can't remember which one of you it was - that when you come to a forum entitled "Step Talk - Where Stepparents Come To Vent" you are going to mostly be reading posts from stepparents who are having problems with biological parents and the whole step situation in general. If you want to read about BMs bashing SMs or are looking for a place for biological parents to vent about their children's stepparents, well, maybe there's a "BM Talk" out there somewhere. I don't know. I just know that many of us are both biological parents and stepparents, many of us know what it is like to be on both sides of the issue and most of us are not BM-haters or anything like that, just venting about our own particular struggles. And let me assure you, sometimes the ugliness really IS one-sided. Maybe not in your case, but definitely with some of us.
There are good and bad people in every possible situation, so naturally there are good stepparents and bad ones, just like there are good biological parents and bad ones. No one is debating that. I think we have to look at the definition of the word "bashing," though, and decide if it really applies to a particular post. Sometimes it might, but I think what you see here MOST OF THE TIME is stepparents venting about a problem we are having... and that isn't necessarily bashing.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I am a bio mum too!!!
I have all my problems with my new SS (7 months married to dad) but I also have a Bio son aged 13. I don't think we 'bash' the Bio-mum, anyone here who says things about them are because they are just the same kind of people your daughters new SM is!! Your daughter should not have to call her Mummy!! What a crock!! You need to sort this lady out. Please understand that this is not a place for Bio-bashing' just a place to vent on the evil of blended families and I know there as many wicked step mums as there are bio mums!! I am the evil SS according to my SS, yet I get on great with my bio sons dad and his wife. Go figure?..
Catch22
Are you from the UK? Just picking up on how you write mum and not mom
Of course I could have just
checked out your profile and realised that you were from Down Under. Silly me. I learn new things every day about this site.
Mommy!!! LOL
It's funny Cindy, when I go to write Mum I always stop and think for a second or 2, thinking should I write MOM....LOL. I haven't seen any aussies on here and wonder if I am in the wrong place. But somehow it's comforting knowing that none of you could possibly know me and to know that no matter what side of the globe you are on, we all have the same problems!! Thankyou all for your support xx Catch.
I'm from the UK
but live in the US. It just tickled me when I saw it cos I too always have to remember to write mom - I call my mom Mummy. LOL
Stepmom, biomom...we are one
I didn't have children of my own but I married a man with a daughter and an EX. BM & DH did not get along but we recognized that we needed to respect and honor her role as a parent. We're here at this site to share experiences, gain insight and advice and yes, sometimes we need to vent!! There are crazy BM's out there as there are crazy SM's - I think that this site attacts the sane caring parents on all sides. I needed all of your opinions 15 years ago!! WHERE WERE YOU??? Just kidding - I just wanted to remind all of us that we're all on the same side and we benefit from ALL experiences.
Glynne
Step mom of two teenagers and have a baby...
I have been married for two years but we have been living together for four years now. My husband has 2 girls who are now 14 and 17 and who I met when they were 10 and 13. They live with us one week on and week off. We had a baby last september and the situation -wlch didn't lack difficulties before- has only deteriorated. I feel I can't take it anymore. My husband - in an atempt to be give all of his children the same things and keep his two girls happy- tends to take their side. I feel I don't have the freedom to raise my own son in my -our - own way. His two girls, as teenagers do, have strong opinions about everything. But when it comes to having opinions on how I should raise my son, which school should he go to, and so on I go completly mad - and have tried to point out gently that such decisions will be taken by their dad and myself. But my husband takes their side and I feel he should be on my side. But what he does is to side with them and then I found myself in battle not with two but three teenagers!!!!!!
For example, the girls insist that my son should go the same shcool they went to, I don't like the school and my husband knows that, however he sais -in front of his kids- that that school is his first choice. This situation has made me very defensive with the girls, I have lost interest and feel I have no effort to make any efforts with them anymore. They are quite rud and hurtfull to me and my hubby either pretends not to see it or he is seriously blind. For example, the 17 yr old has my same birthday, I have always got her card and a nice present. I don't expect a great thing but I do expect at least a card. I think only one year she had made me card. This year I thought I should make a special effort since the arrival of a half brother could be shaky for them. I got her a present and bought a card from his brother and printed a photograph of her and her new little brother. A few days later I found the photograph mistreated and on the floor. His youngest daughter had her birthday too, I sent her a prensent and she didn't even say thank you.
In all the years I've known them they have never spent their birthdays with their two bioparents, this year my husband's kids decided that they wanted to have their birthdays with the two parents. They wanted their little brother to be them so they invited to the dinner, I guess they knew I wouldn't come and would let my son join their little family reunion. My husband went with it and said it was nice of them to invite me to their b-day celebration. My husband said they use to get together before he met me but seemed to ignore that in four years I have known them and even when we werent married we use to spend their b-days together. I felt completly left out, very sad, betrayed and I am furious with them and with my hubby. We had a big raw about it but we haven't even talked about it properly. It seems that if I have anything to point about his kids he prefers not to talk about it. He These are just a few of things that have been going on... and I feel I am getting to my limit. I am not happy... and feel me and husband are drifting apart... My little boy is the thing that makes me keep going...
This is what I Fear Too...
Anonymous writes: In all the years ...., this year my husband's kids decided that they wanted to have their birthdays with the two parents.
I am so scared that my DH will continue to do what HIS KIDS DECIDE THEY want, instead of what WE (him and I) want. That will be the final straw as far as I'm concerned and my biggest fear. And, it's not unfounded according to so many things I've read on these blogs.
Hang in there Anonymous.