I think the majority of us are on this site because our partner's ex isn't sane (reason they're an ex I guess)... So the lack of sanity is what causes strife. I WISH it worked like that. Would be a heaven send.

I guess it means that people have to love their kids more than they hated their EX?

It might also be more likely to be the case when there aren't other interested parties like new spouses involved.

That is how it should be. My ex and I don’t have a court order. We Keep our communication to a minimum and just what is needed to help our son. He’s not a super involved dad, so that’s a bummer, but I can’t make him be a better father so I just don’t argue with him. Our son can make up his own mind about his thoughts and feelings regarding his parents. It’s up to the parents to forge a good relationship. And it’s up to the parents to open the door for both parents to have that relationship.

No my husband asked, she’s a whole other kind of crazy. One of the few mothers actually lost any type of custody of her child.

We never went to court for CS, we figured everything out ourselves. ExDH and I aren’t crazy.

My DH isn’t crazy either but his exis. We dont pay CS as kids are grown but we are paying her alimony because she is lazy. I say “we” because it’s indirectly effects me. So we both work, so she doesn’t have to.

I have asked my SO this question many times over the years while we deal with HBCM. His response was, and still is, 'Because you made it happen that way. You are rational, sane and self sufficient. All the reasons why I love you.' (I know, AWE but I get what he is saying. His other favorite quote is YOU CAN'T FIX CRAZY!)

My ex and I never had an issue with custody, CS or our divorce. It was easy. I mean just a lawyer drawing up our agreement and we signed it - EASY. I did not collect CS and I was financially responsible for our kids while in my care, same for him. He did help with extras, as he made more money than I did. But that was few and far between. Meaning, he would purchase new sneaks and send them home with them. Or would grab all the school supplies. Maybe cover sporting equipment. Not send me to Disney extras LOL!

It never occurred to me that he would have anything less than 50/50. He was their father and they deserved to have both of us just as they did while we were married. We chose to divorce. We chose to divide our household. And it would be damn impossible to split the kids in half so we had to make it work.

And we did. He moved a couple miles away. We had week on/week off. And we came together when necessary, such as school issues, meetings, etc. There were many times that we sat together with the kids and went over rules for both of our homes and let them know we were still a united front. And we shared punishments, if they were grounded from something it carried over. None of this running to the other house to get out of it.

When I decided to move back to our home town I spoke to him first. He was on board and we moved together. Just a few blocks from each other. Again, although we were divorced we still wanted our kids to have access to each of us.

And when his work schedule changed, we changed with it. I would have the kids when he could not. And when he was available they would go with him. Sometimes that meant he would have every weekend because he was gone all week but we made it work. If I planned an outing I would pick them up from him, and vice versa. There was never an argument. Each of us understood that THIS is what the kids want and need to strive.

And when I began a relationship with SO my ex was very aware of my boundaries. He would never allow my kids to behave in any way but respectful. Would correct them if they tried and did nothing but push the relationship between SO and my bios in a positive way. He would say 'Your mom is happy, SO is a good guy. You need to take advantage of that and enjoy life with them.' And they did, quickly. And although my SO admits that it was not easy (my ex can be tough to deal with) they got along because that was what was best for the kids.

But believe me, it was not all rosy, and isn't at this moment in time......

We fought, hard in the beginning. Slew digs (our kids were young so digs came out with a smile LOL). But we got over it real quick as the kids began to recognize the animosity and that was not how we wanted to raise them.

At this time my ex made some HUGE mistakes. I have full custody and he is working on becoming a better person. And even during this horrible ordeal my SO and I fully fostered their relationship. We fought for them to continue to have some type of contact. We never allowed others to talk badly about their Dad. And we shielded them from a lot of the fallout that occurred due to his behavior. We have even helped to facilitate counseling to ensure my ex comes out of this a better Dad. Because my kids come first. Always. They NEEDED us to be that way.

I say all this because this is the ideal. But it takes two people. All animosity needs to be put to rest. But when dealing with a BM (or BD) with a personality disorder(s) it is impossible. In our case we have extreme narcissism and borderline personality disorder (not officially diagnosed but you know the type). Meaning no matter what, my SO is wrong. No matter what evidence he has, the judge sides with the hysterical mother playing the system. No matter what the kids NEVER come first. It is sickening and awful and turns my stomach every day. But there is nothing we can do but just sit back and watch the horror show unfold

Your divorce is my divorce exactly. We also live on the same block and do 50/50 no child support. We never argue.

And we don't have mental health issues.

My kids feel loved and supported.

It's a far cry from the train wreck that is my step kids lives with their high conflict mother

This is how my ex and I are. Our divorce and custody paperwork is literally 2 pages total. It says "everything is 50/50 as is agreed upon by the parents". We've never had any major issues. We stick to an unwritten schedule. I pay for just about everything, because he is piss poor and could care less if the kids have to do without. I am currently shopping for a truck for our oldest. He does pay for their softball teams. Which I appreciate. But I literally pay for EVERYTHING else, and we just don't argue it. School clothes, braces, glasses... shoes, backpacks... whatever it is, I pay for it. It's not worth the fight to me.

I think this can only happen if both adults have emotionally moved on from the divorce and the sad, reality is that some people never do. Also, some people were never happily married, so they never knew how to get along with their ex, even when they were married. It's difficult to learn how to have a functional relationship with someone if you never had one to begin with.

I'm so happy to hear the accounts of ex-spouses who are sane and cooperative and do what they need to do to support the kids. My SO and his ex have a good relationship - cooperative, friendly, and all about the kids. They have 50/50 custody and there's no CS either way. I had to put some boundaries in place when SO and I first got together, but I'm really happy that his ex is cooperative and SANE. I am blown away by some of the crazy I read about here - it scares me. I just hope they continue to co-parent so well. I can't imagine continuing the relatonship if the ex suddenly became a HCBM.

I greatly admire those of you who put up with HCBMs and put the kids first.

I think it depends on why people got a divorce,

My youngest brother married his school sweet heart, and age 25 they decided they do not love each other as man and wife, and yes there where 2 kids,
they simply split, they still have family holidays and visit each other once a month, and their new partners have no problem with it, it's simply 4 friends enjoying life. There's no CS involved nothing, it was decided that she can have the kids as primary, the little boy refused to stay with his mother, the little girl refused to leave her mother, thus Brother has boy full time and mother has daughter full time, week-ends is a disaster lol... and school holidays, they do not live in the same town but close enough to drive for week-ends, It's been 8 years already since they split and it works for them....

a friend of mine had the same family set up, her parents divorced when she was a teen, and holidays where both sets of parents, she called all the females Mum and all the males Dad, between the 4 adults there's 8 kids, to them it's simply their siblings, no half no step nothing, brothers and sisters, and now there's even grand kids. A family holiday consist of booking 2-3 beach houses or a whole hotel floor, her parents where married for 20 years, and re married now for 18 years.... never any issues....

I think it gets messy if one partner cheated, or abuse, and people do not go for therapy, they will always compare the new wife or husband to the old, they simply can't put it behind them, then things gets messy. I wish it will be law, if you divorce you both should attend therapy and solve issues before the divorce can be final, and there will be no CS, nothing it will be 50/50 split and family therapy to get over what ever happened