O/T-- Things to discuss and line out before marriage
Hello Step Talk homies!
SO and I are discussing tying the knot. This would be both of our 2nds marriages, so we'd like to get it right this time. This being said, I know we need to discuss finances and his skids will be over 18 YO when we do get married but I know there are a lot of topics to go over. I was hoping that you all could hit me up with topics or issues that you wish you would have discussed or that you suggest discussing. He will be signing a prenup so I will be protected with that but I KNOW you all are the ones with great input on things like this.
Thank you all!
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I had a few lines I drew in
I had a few lines I drew in the sand
1. The day SS turns 18, BM is out of our lives. Completely. I will divorce him if he continues a relationship with this horrible person
2. Skids will not free load in my home. If they are going to school or working with a move out date, that's fine. I'm not working all day while his adult children lay around my house.
3. I will NOT raise another child is isn't mine. Skid turns up with a baby I will gladly spoil and babysit. I will not raise it.
4. I'm not paying for a car for a child that is failing in school and if we do get skid a car, BM does not drive it or I'm taking it back.
5. I'm not helping pay for college.
DH's list was No more dogs. LOL
Now my skids are just becoming teenagers. I'm sure many topics that I can't even think of will come up. I'm sure when they are adults many issues will come up. But this is my list so far.
For you with adult stepkids, does your husband pay their bills? What happens if he dies first, is the home you reside in go to skids?
Your DH will never make the
Your DH will never make the executive decision, allowing an adult skid to move back home, without your consent.
This seems to often be an issue.
Hearing about stuff like that
Hearing about stuff like that is why DH and I have already drawn the conclusion. At 18 the Skids are either military, in the work force, or in school. They can choose what one, but they're not staying. Only exception is if they're legitimately working hard to get back on their feet and hit a rough time. THEN we'll let them come back in while they get back on their feet, IF we both agree.
Definitely discuss this stuff!
This is what DH and I
This is what DH and I discussed before marriage.
1). Common area are to be free from peoples junk.
The common living room is controlled by the parents. If the kids wanted to sit with us, they had to watch what we watched. If kids were watching TV in the living room, and we wanted to watch something else, we changed the channel and kids watched with us, or they finished watching there move in their room.
2). If kid leaves something out then the parent of that kid is responsible for it getting put away.
3). No food in the bedrooms or living rooms.
4). Each parent disciplines their own kids. And each provide for their own kid.
5). Each kid has to rotate cleaning the common areas once a month. (sweep – mop – dust). If kid does not do it, the parent has to do it.
6). Each parent is responsible for their kid passing school.
7) any kid can stay past the age of 18 and high school graduation, IF they go to college full time and work part time.
There were several more things we discussed before marrying and moving in together. I just can’t remember them at the moment.
Most fights in relationships
Most fights in relationships are about 1 of 3 things:
Finances
Sex
Kids
With kids from different marriages all of these get more complex. Make sure you discuss all of these things thoroughly.
In a step situation I think that it is important to realize that anything that the step parent does for their step kid is an active choice that they have willingly made and that just because a step parent has done something once for their step kid, does not mean that they will do it again. When helping/caring for/ running around after/paying for step kids becomes expected then resentment builds up and resentment is a deadly disease if not dealt with.
No adult kids will live with
No adult kids will live with us ever UNLESS they become completely incapacitated (like fully disabled or terminally ill or something). No other reason. It was important to me as I had awful experience with adult skid in my ex stepfamily. And sure enough OSD wanted to stay with us as soon as we got married. The answer DH gave her was NO.