I know this is slightly off topic from what you are asking. But, when the did these daddy daughters dance start anyway? I do not remember this growing up. Is there mommy son dances ? Just curious.

If this is a school dance, dad needs to sign up for school emails and check the school website on a regular basis as events such as this should be listed there.

Yes, BM could have told him about the dance earlier, but she could have not gotten tickets and SD could have arrived crying about not going to the dance. That would be worse.

Next year you can buy the tickets the day they come out and let her know it is taken care of.

Personally I'd let a daddy daughter dance go because I'd be all over my SO telling him he WILL be going but in the grand view yes she's wrong.

Stop catering to her. "I'm sorry honey but we didn't agree to this and we can't do it." If you need to add more "mommy didn't ask us about X and we can't do it."

BM tried that crap with sports. We don't mind but we told her flat out our plans come first. You want to work with us you've got to let us know in advance and you better be asking.

It's part of life as the kids get older that there will be events on your time. We do our best to act the way we would if their home was still intact. If the activity would take priority in a normal home then why shouldn't it in ours. If it should we do everything we can to make it happen. Being at a basketball game is still being apart of the family and bonding time between child and parent. Your supporting them and helping them maintain a "normal" childhood.

For example we planned on going to the movie doesn't override the child having a ball game. We can do a movie another day but if she misses that game there is no redo.
But if the plan is to go to a birthday party for family then the ball game is less important. There is only 1 birthday a year while there are multiple ball games. Of course playoff is different and that may mean half of the family goes one way while the other the other way.

It's all about normality to me. Normal is kids get to do sports, go to dances, attend parties and so on. I would want a biochild to do it so why wouldn't I enable a stepchild.

Yup. BM did this alllll the time. She signed the boys up for Boy Scouts without telling DH, then would tell him she didn't have the money for uniforms, books, trips, etc.

This has recently re-started with church. DH is anti-organized religion but does take the kids to youth group on his Sundays. As they have gotten older, though, youth group has turned into Christmas shows, mission trips fundraisers, etc. Unlike school where DH could get the info, he has to rely entirely on BM to relay information. Sometimes he accommodates the boys; sometimes he doesn't. He's very much taken the stance that if the kids want to do it, he'll take them, but he expects advance notice of events.

The most recent kicker to this was this past Sunday. Their youth pastor is wholly disorganized, so start times have been variable so we always ask what time they need to be at church. BM tells us. We assume it's the same as any other youth group because no one said any different.

Well, apparently it WAS different, because when we show to drop them off, there are a million people there. DH tells the boys to go find out what is going on. Apparently they were having a big pitch-in feast and movie showing for the whole church. The boys had no idea it was going on. BM wasn't anywhere in sight. We took them to her house.

She proceeded to chew out OSS for not staying. Um, first, they aren't super social kids and didn't want to be at a full church function alone. Second, they didn't being a dish and felt awkward. Third, if it was so damn important, why wasn't BM there? Fourth, DH has ALWAYS said he would respect the kids' wishes regarding church, so if they don't want to go, he won't make them. Sixth, taking then to youth group cuts into his time, so the fact that she didn't say it wasn't youth group was a bit underhanded IMO.

OP, I feel you. The only things you can do is say no when BM plans something and/or do your own thing (including buying tickets even if she already has and using your own). I would get on any email lists you can to get info so you guys can plan accordingly. Then just prepare to disappoint BM and SD every once in a while.

New to this.

There are a few things going on here

Check court order to see IF BM has full authority of Dad during dads visitation. It is highly doubtful.

I would 'give' her this last intrusion just because it is the right thing to do. BUT here is where it becomes sticky....dh can put her on notice to buzz off and risk BM showing the email or text to daughter "SEE, mommy tries to do nice things for daddddyyyyy and he is MEAN to me"

OR it would not have been unreasonable for DH to say NEXT TIME and there will be many next times IF DH doesn't say no.,,, OH geeze BM we decided to go to the mountains OR movies, having pizza and movie in our pj's. Hope you can sell the tickets you bought. One more thing I think it is a good idea for our daughter that you plan YOUR events for your time, and I will plan our events for our time.

YOUR BM IS WRONG---but of course she is doing it for her daughter she will say....That would be the last time.

So moral of this story is pull out the court order, read it and SEE if Mother has full authority over dads time.

**Father/daughter dances are retarded. First dinner dance should be with a boyfriend OR girlfriend in High School. Dancing is very romantic. MOTHER/SON dance or Father Daughter dance gives ME the creeps. Guess I am old school. They didn't have that when I was growing up.
15 year ago it started is about right. Ewwwww

***WE also have a bm who controlled visitation until DH finally said NO MORE***

Take notes and in the future plan to be one step ahead of BM. Next year when tickets start selling, but them immediately then once BM emails him saying she bought the tickets, he just needs to say “I took care of the tickets since this is my event on my time, hope you can get a refund”

There are usually two reasons why exes do this. One: because they’re used to being responsible for this kind of stuff. Most BMs schedule dr’s appointments, most BMs plan parent-teacher meetings and coordinate after school activities. They’ve always been in charge or they’ve always just taken care of it because for some reason or another dad has let them get it done. Show her her help is unnecessary and he (or more likely you) can take care of the events during your visitation. Two: she’s being malicious and trying to control the situation or control your DH and the time he spends with the children. BM signs SS up for soccer because she knows that DH will bring SS to soccer and it’s an extra day she can impose on his time. All DH has to do is say “no” and go about his weekend as he already planned. She won’t stop until you prove to her she’s wasting her time or money by trying to impose.

This is textbook PASinator GUBM tactics 101. Scheduling stuff on dad's time has several benefits to the PASing BM:

1. If kid is kicking the soccer ball around on the field then said kid does not have time to bond with Dad or SM.

2. Still makes BM feel like she is in control of what goes on at Dad's house

3. Makes her look like the parent that is interested in her children by signing them up for a myriad of activities. When the true objective is just to keep kids away from Dad during his visitation time...making him a mere spectator.

4. CS can be pumped up by adding bills from the extra-curriculars under the guise of "it's for the children" (TM)

Ummm...well
Whenever these things arise hubs and I discuss:
1. Does the particular event support values we want to encourage?
Eg. Does a father going to lunch with his daughter alone bother me? Does a father spending something like a romantic time with his daughter bother me?etc.(for my 2 cents i find that encouraging dating like behavior is a value I do not want to encourage-miniwife anyone..?- and I would urge my husband to make it up to his dd anpther way. Maybe lunch? Maybe go shopping for the outfit for the dance.Also see below.)
2. Would it be embarassing/hurtful to the child if dad was not there?
(My2cents-this one he is obligated to go to bc it would hurt hos daughter if he didn't and all the other dads were there.-if she is 16 or older then he should discuss with his dd not goimg.... However he should protest with the school to not hold this dance as it is psychologically/socially damaging to children of divorce)
3.Does BM always schedule stuff during your time?
I would think about what my boundaries are regardimg my time and communicate those to hubby. Discuss them. Come to a consensus.
You CAN and NEED to have time restrictions in your house.
I hope this issue resolves easily for you.

If FDH always agree to BM's demands then you have a FDH problem, he should not be jumping when the Ex wife demands, and the crap but it's for our daughter ends now.

They are divorced, she has no say in what he does anymore..Your time, your decision of what will be going on, not BM's, she's controlling your relationship and he's allowing it. Make it clear to him this will be the last time BM decided what you will do....

Then if BM promised SD something that will happen on your time, and it does not, simply explain to SD that you already had plans, BM is not a part of your family thus she can't decide what you will do, they should do it on BM's time... who cares if BM already spend money on something..

Next year you can buy the tickets the day they come out and let her know it is taken care of.
+++++++++++++++++++++
I would not tell BM you bought tickets. Not her business. If she buys them after your DH, then she is stuck. Maybe teach her a little lesson.