How should DH communicate with BM....
So CO states that DH has to pick up the skids at noon on 12/28 odd-numbered years however, he wants to communicate with BM as least as possible. BM leaves the skids home alone all the time which is her business however, it says that there has to be an adult at pick ups and drop offs. To avoid conflict DH thought about just sending BM a screen shot of the CO showing the pick up time that he has to get the skids instead of talking to BM and telling her. He said from now on he is going to ignore her unless it's an emergency. Should he even give BM notice or should she just learn to read the CO and follow it?
- tankh21's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I believe it is fine for him
I believe it is fine for him to send a quick simple message to the effect of,
"I will be picking up the kids on X at X time as the CO states."
This just offers a polite reminder. On top of that if he has always informed her she could say "I thought he wasn't coming because he didn't say anything."
This stops that from happening.
After sending the text if there is a reasonable question he can again respond with a quick simple message sticking to facts. If she starts any sort of BS he ignores it and once or twice reminds her to refer back to the CO that states he gets them at x time from x.
Thank you guys...
Thank you guys...
I think sending a screenshot
I think sending a screenshot is unnecessarily snarky and passive aggressive and will most likely start more problems than it will solve.
If he has reason to think that she might not remember some specific detail of something that is not a regular occurrence like the fact that he picks them up on the third Tuesday of every other year when the moon is blue but only if there has been a partial eclipse in the prior 2 months (sarcasm to the overly detailed CO's out there...lol) then why not send a "confirmation text" to give her a heads up.
"Hey EX, just to make sure you remembered, per the CO, I will be picking up the boys at noon on the 28th"
Now, of course, expect that she will probably do typical BM.. "I thought it was Y, not X and I was going to be doing Z that day" It is up to your DH whether or not he wants to play that game with her and schedule a different time or whether he needs her to stick to the CO because he has some plans of his own.
So he should just say that he
So he should just say that he is picking up the kids at noon on 12/28 and then ignore her after that? Do you think 24 hours in advance is enough time to send the text?
Yes, 24 hour notice is
Yes, 24 hour notice is acceptable.
Just send a text informing her of date and time.
No.. he should not just
No.. he should not just ignore her.... another passive aggressive tactic.
He should inform her within a reasonable time period that is taking into account the specific situation. for the holiday season when people may be traveling and having odd schedules? 24 hours is probably not appropriate.
I would probably send it early next week... just in case she has made some plan not remembering what the co said. (she seems to not spend a lot of time looking at it lol).
I am not saying send it early so that they can argue about it, but so that if she has made some other plan, she has time to make a change to HER plans.
So, he sends the text.. and if she comes back with some prattle about she can't and thought it was different.
He sends another text. "No, per the CO, every other year it's noon on the 28th".
She tries the "that doesn't work for me because XYZ"
He can at that point say, "I'm sorry, but that is the CO, and I will be there at noon for the boys" OR he can say" fine I will get them on X instead, but you have to agree to me getting them an extra 3 days at Easter" (or some other thing HE wants)
I don't believe just ignoring is right.. he does need to simply stick to his guns unless he is inclined to negotiate with her.
He definitely isn't going to
He definitely isn't going to do her any favors. TBH...BM just needs to read the CO and stick with it changing stuff up just leads to so many issues. I guess what you are saying is he shouldn't be petty just because she is....
Yes to the last point. He
Yes to the last point. He shouldn't be petty even if he thinks she is being petty. It's taking the high road and not being the one who escalates conflict.
I am not saying he has to do any favors or adjustments for her. It IS an option he has, but certainly not anything he is obligated to do... and unless he thinks he will need favors in the future, not something he will want to get into.
Honestly, it makes no sense to stoop to her high conflict and petty ways. All it does is cause MORE back and forth between your DH and her. Simply being firm and non-confrontational is best.
BM "waaaahhhht? I was going to have the kids with my parents that day and we were going skating and blahh.. blahhh".
DH: "I'm sorry you didn't remember the details of the CO, but I will be there at noon on the 28th for the boys. Perhaps you and your parents can reschedule"
BM: "You just ruin everything.. why do you always have to be so difficult"
DH: "I'm not being difficult, just wanted to make sure you remembered I would be getting the kids on the 28th...see you then".
BM: "This is why we aren't together, you don't care about the boys"
DH" "I love my sons and will be there at noon on the 28th... I am not discussing this any further"
I wouldn't try to agree to
I wouldn't try to agree to day's later because she wouldn't follow it and he wouldn't have the backing of the CO and she seems like the type who would take it back even having it in writing.
If the kids aren't where they are suppose when you got to pick them up, file with the cops, and hold onto it if you ever chose to go to court.
Give them more than a days warning just so he can show that he was polite and understanding.
He can tell her SHE can have
He can tell her SHE can have the kids all Christmas Vacation.
OR
Do you have the kids this weekend...??? Have Santa come early JUST In case she pulls a fast one and the kids cant come visit.
jmo
TOTALLY agree with
TOTALLY agree with dontfeedthetrolls.
I have learned that nothing surprises me and withholding kids from dads at Christmas is not unusual.
Which is why DH is following
Which is why DH is following the CO and everything that it says....
Sending a screen shot or even
Sending a screen shot or even mentioning in the CO in the first text is asking for trouble IMO.
Why not just text her something like this
"Hey, please tell the kids to make sure they bring gloves in their bags when I pick them up on the 28th?"
"Hey, please tell the kids to make sure they wear tennis shoes when I pick them up on the 28th."
I'd wait until a lot closer to the holiday to say anything at all to her about it.
If your DH wants minimal
If your DH wants minimal communication then I would suggest using email. Once Bm and DH stopped texting their communication went down from a couple fights a week to one email every where three or four weeks depending on school info coming home (report cards, field trips, etc). Bm calls DHs phone every Wednesday to talk to SS, he lets him answer it. Pick up and drop offs are also usually minimal contact. Bm knocks on the door to pick him up and then waits for him to go out and then DH waits for SS outside when BM is dropping him off. Texts are no good in court so email is it. It works.