So....I talked to DH last night.....
So....I talked to DH last night about the YSS living room situation and explained to him that the living room is a family room and everyone should get to enjoy it so regardless if SS doesn't like his room he needs to suck it up. We agreed to paint the wall the color he wants and that was it. No new furniture. We got both of the skids new smart TV's for their rooms to solve the fight problem with the living room TV and Xbox situation as well. Well of course YSS was upset that we didn't ask him what he wanted to Christmas and just went ahead and got him a TV. DH told him that he could just take it back if he wanted to complain and he would get nothing. Then last night DH gets a phone calls from YSS. Skids only call him when they want something. He asked DH if he could have $200 to get a computer. We had some money saved for the skids in a separate savings account so DH asked me if it was ok if he got him a computer I said that was fine but the deal is he needs to start sleeping in his own room and you need to enforce it. So DH agreed and told YSS that he would take him and buy the computer however, he wasn't just going to hand him $200 of our money. YSS was adamant about DH just giving him the $200. I asked DH to not just hand YSS $200 so BM could possibly get her hands on it. Any way, we will see if DH sticks making YSS sleep in his own room....
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thankH.. you will not see if
thankH.. you will not see if DH is sticking to his word of SS sleeping in his room, you will make sure he keeps his word... if he slacks of, punch him in the nuts and say step up... we painted that room no excuses and no you might hurt your son's feefees but it's nothing compared to hurting your wife's feefees.... no get his ass in his room and lock him in at night if you have to
Any time the boys become
Any time the boys become adamant about spending my or DH's money is the time that the boys don't get the thing they wanted. Ungrateful kids shouldn't be rewarded or compromised with. It should be a take-it-or-leave-it deal.
Every time you write about your DH, all I see is an angry doormat. I wish he would get a backbone against his kids versus getting into p!swing contests with you when you make very salient points.
"So....I talked to DH last
"So....I talked to DH last night about the YSS living room situation and explained to him that the living room is a family room and everyone should get to enjoy it so regardless if SS doesn't like his room he needs to suck it up."
You know, I'm not sure if these are the exact words you are using.... but it does strike me as cold and callous to talk to the kid. You didn't get to the bottom of "why" he doesn't want to sleep in his bed currently. Now, he just may be a spoiled brat, or there may be some other reason.. but you just talked to him like a little army recruit.."suck it up bucko.. I don't care about your feelings.. they don't matter". TBH, most people aren't going to react well to that kind of direction... Basically do what I say.. even though I don't care anything about you. I mean. why bother, not like you are going to like him if he does what you say.
I might have tried to approach this with. "Yss, It's important for you to learn good sleep habits while you are young. That includes sleeping in your own bed. Can you tell me why you don't want to sleep in your room? The living room is a family space and it isn't really fair for you to monopolize it by taking over the whole time you are here. If there is a problem with your room, let's try to fix it so that you can sleep there and keep the living room clutter free."
I believe you have said he may be autistic? perhaps there is some sensory issue in his room and the color of the walls.. or texture of sheets or blankets need to be adjusted? If he truly has those issues.. they are medical and not just "choices of a brat"
Now as to the computer request. Perhaps mom is kicking in the other half of the unit? It also might have been a good idea to actually ask the boys if having a TV in their rooms was what they wanted..or whether there was another Christmas gift they would have preferred. Alternately, you can return the TV and get the computer instead. It may not be all about whether he is grateful, but a computer for school stuff might be more important to him. I do agree that you and DH shouldn't just automatically give in to demands.. but try to get to the underlying reasons.
My DH hasn't talked to YSS
My DH hasn't talked to YSS yet about anything I just discussed it with him that he needed to talk to YSS about it. OSS is autistic YSS had ADHD. He wanted new furniture in his room and that is not going to happen the furniture he has in his room now is only about a year old. We got the TV's so that they wouldn't fight anymore. That was DH's idea. Both skids already have laptops. He wants the desktop computer for gaming.
Sorry.. I misunderstood and
Sorry.. I misunderstood and thought you talked with YSS.
But, bottom line is that his dad needs to find out WHY sleeping in his room is a problem for him. I have a doubt that just not liking the furniture would cause that. If it was just that he was too lazy to go to the bedroom when he got tired, I might think it was just him being lazy.. but you say that if he is put to bed in his room... he goes BACK to the living room. You also don't say anything about him turning the TV or games back on.. so that isn't a a draw either (unless you don't realize he is doing it).
Is his room in a far part of the house where he might be getting scared..or feel isolated?
I really think making the child tell you WHY he is doing something might help you combat the problem. And, certainly taking pillows up.. cutting off TV or internet at night might help too. Do the boys share a room? Maybe OSS is bothering Yss?
If DH takes the remotes he
If DH takes the remotes he just turns the TV off from the back so we would have to unplug the internet and cable box every night which would be annoying plugging everything back in. We shouldn't have to do that SS should just do what he is told but, we all know that it's easier said then done. I guess we will see what YSS when he comes over on Thursday night. I will keep you posted.
Here is a low-tech
Here is a low-tech solution.
Put the wireless router somewhere that YSS couldn't easily access.
Then... get yourself a plug in timer for the outlet. Set it to turn "off" at night.
Unless you and your DH need wifi all night.. you CAN disable the router which would in turn make TV not usable.
And.. yes... doing things like unplugging cables may be a "pain" but what you are experiencing NOW is a pain. Why not help the kid (who obviously has impulse control issues) unplug at night so he will be inclined to go to sleep in his own bed.
By your logic that "he should just be obeying".. it's like putting an ice cold beer in front of an alcoholic and then wondering why they can't just do the right thing. Addictions to technology and other habits can have strong holds over people.
If you help the kid by making failure more difficult.. he may get out of the habit and then you would not have to continue to prevent access.
I'm assuming this computer is
I'm assuming this computer is staying at BM's- or is it a laptop that can be transported? Also, what does other skid get since YSS gets an extra $200 gift?
Yep most likely will stay at
Yep most likely will stay at BM's I left it up to DH to figure out what he wants to do with getting this desktop and getting OSS something.
It sounds like SS is getting
It sounds like SS is getting the money for the computer but we don't buy things that SD uses at BM's anymore. I know, I know, it's for the kid, but we have spent way too much money on clothes and items that just get lost, forgotten, replaced, or whatever at BM's. That's just us though. I wonder what skid is getting from BM for Xmas.
it's not for the kid to use
it's not for the kid to use at BM's.
We don't get things that ss needs at BM's.
SS has outgrown much of his clothes, all his shoes etc, in the last few months. We have bought everything we have needed.
BM had a short visit with ss this weekend, and tried to send him back in shoes that were too small, when we picked him up... DH told her No, those aren't his shoes, where are his shoes? She tried to say that those were the shoes he came in... and DH told her that no, he's outgrown all his shoes, he's not going to take him home in shoes that are too small and clearly come from her house, just so that she could get out of buying right sized ones by keeping the ones he had on.
She went to get the other shoes, and told DH she couldn't afford all new stuff for ss, and that we should share. DH told her that it wasn't his problem.... she was never willing to share with him, even when he was giving her money each month, so why would he share with her when she's not even paying CS... she made him get his own stuff, so she can get her own stuff.
That was the end of it, she didn't say anything after that...it seems like she's beginning to understand the way she'd acted in the past.
Same thing with my kids.... they DO NOT take things over to their dad's, from our place. Well whatever clothes, ok fine, we're not that anal... but when they complain they have no good clothes here, my response is that maybe they should stop taking it all over to their dad's.... when they take their hair products to their dad's and forget them there on my week, I don't go get them, I don't get them new stuff... I get them stuff at the same rate I get mine - I use products every 2nd day, not every day, and they're only here 50% of the time, so if they use it all up because they're taking it to their dad's and using it there, no my problem, they'll still have to wait for their next bottle. I don't buy things for them to use at their dad's.
SD has to deal with leaving
SD has to deal with leaving things at our place because we are not making extra trips and at 12, she needs to be held accountable for her things.
BM used to ground SD for leaving clothes at our house and that really upset SD. When DH demanded SD bring "our" clothes back to our house, BM quit playing that game.
I meant that I wonder what
I meant that I wonder what tankh's skids are getting from BM for Xmas that YSS is asking for cash for a computer.
As for him sleeping in his
As for him sleeping in his room, can you take the couch cushions with you when you go to bed, or are they attached?
They come off. So should I
They come off. So should I take the cushions into my room until SS gets the message?
If he can't sleep comfortably
If he can't sleep comfortably there.. maybe he will learn to go to bed?
OK PARENTS What are you all
OK PARENTS What are you all doing......Here I go again.
When I was little,
do you really think WE had any say so about major stuff. My one sister and I shared a bed until she went off to college. That was a full size bed.
I swear we had the same furniture since we got out of the crib until we were 18. NO one ran out to buy new stuff ever few years. Things were bought to last many many MANY years.
Our parents didn't ask us about our fee' fees. Gosh the sofa in our living room was for company WE sat on the floor most times to watch TV IF our parents were not watching the news. That was NOT the kids tv it was mom and dads tv. Now it seems like most parents fight to watch the tv while their kids take over OR they are told to go their their rooms where xbox, TV's and play stations are kept.
My parents loved us and we knew it. But WE knew they were our parents not our buddies.
OP,,,,ss doesn't get say so with paint colors or furniture decisions. THOSE are adult decisions.
Good Lawrd....do NOT bring the kids up to adult level so much. Moms and DADS make decisions not moms, dads and kids. It was my parents home tuff luck IF I didn't like the color mom picked for our rooms. And my mom was super sweet. That line of parent child was never crossed. Unless you were born in the 60/70's you would not know what I mean.
JMO and please don't hate me for saying this stuff...I am older school than most of you. I must say I AM SHOCKED at the level of buddy parenting that goes on today. Sad.
I'm old school, too. IMHO,
I'm old school, too. IMHO, the buddy parenting is not nearly as effective.
I'm old school too. Maybe
I'm old school too.
Maybe I'm seen as a dictator by many "whatever makes my child happy" type of parents.... I don't GAF. My kids aren't going to control me.
It's their home, but it's my house.
I'm old school as well... and
I'm old school as well... and when I am advocating asking the kid what the problem is.. I mean that if there is a legit complaint about his room.. the parents should try to rectify it.
Like.. OSS comes in and hits me on my head .... or I can't breath from the feather pillows.. or some other legit reason.
Also part of the conversation with YSS is that children don't get to DEMAND new things or expensive upgrades.
It sounds like some of the issue may be that the kid is doing this because he is sneaking out to watch TV or play his video games after dark and perhaps the adult's room is far enough away that they can't hear this.. or maybe he wears headphones.
This then becomes a discipline issue with them.. and they may have to do some things that are not "fun" for themselves... like wake up to check on him.. or go take extra steps to remove the router or game console when they go to sleep. But, in the end, they may end up with a child who minds..
A child who minds... aren't
A child who minds... aren't those on the endangered species list?
Oh good, it's not just
Oh good, it's not just me...because I'd be telling him to get his behind back to his room. I really don't think there's anything actually wrong.
Except for the fact that his dad lets him rule the roost and do as he pleases. I have to agree with Goodluck 100%. Children do not get to make the rules and run the household. I think it's absolutely ludicrous.
If children could make the best decisions for themselves and be independent, they wouldn't need parents. But they can't, so they do. So the parents need to actually parent.
ESMOND I totally understand
ESMOND I totally understand your point. It is well taken. Asking "Whats wrong" is a normal parent question, most times adults can tell when something is REALLY off with a kid.. that gut feeling from adults creeps in. JMO of course.
Hey Thanks everyone for not beating me over the head about my opinion. I really appreciate it. When I am wrong I also appreciate knowing about it.