His kids are showing their colors
They don't realize mine are brighter! When we got there last night his had a large group of friends with them and as soon as bs and I went inside they took off. SO tried to call them back but they didn't answer their phones or they left their phones at home. So I took bs trick or treating myself while SO stayed and passed out candy. We got back around 8 and when his kids weren't back by 8:30 I told SO they are trying you. He agreed and grounded them for 1 week when they got back at 9:30. They swore up and down they thought he said 9:30 and that they thought bs was somewhere in the group. His dd said she wasn't getting paid to babysit him so she wasn't worried where he was at. I encouraged SO not to let them speak to an adult like that so her phone is gone for a month and she got a stiff lecture. I assured SO they just have to get used to us and the new rules and they will be fine. He brought up us living together to get all the adjusting done at once. I'm really excited and tonight I will talk to bs and let him know what we are planning since he will be the one moving. The next problem is figuring out the new bedroom situation. His kids are boys 16, and 14 and his dd is 13. They each have their own room in a 4 bedroom home. I was thinking of putting both his boys into sds room since it is the biggest and then sd can have ss14's room and bs can have ss 16's room. It's the bigger of the 2 but it's closer to the master in case bs needs me. This will be a big transition for him.
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I see colors myself for
I see colors myself for sure.
Just one question. How old is your son again? I thought he was a teenager? Why is he trick or treating anyway.. and why isn't he with his own friends at that age?
and why would he need you in
and why would he need you in the middle of the night? Him getting the bigger room because he might need mommy is going to cause problems. I have DS13 (not DH's) and SS13. You can believe all he** broke loose when he got the bigger bedroom. He lives with us 24/7. She is EOW.
Just went back and read that
Just went back and read that he is 12...
Honestly, forcing the older
Honestly, forcing the older teens to include the younger boy.. messing up their "honor system" with curfews etc...Taking rooms away from them? OP is the one orchestrating a disaster here.
lol my BS7 likes to sleep in
lol my BS7 likes to sleep in the nice toasty,basement now that we have started the wood stove going... our house is 3 levels, basement, main and upstairs. Master bedroom us upstairs. BS7 could care less about being "close" to our room. While his room is directly across from ours, it's only because when we moved in he was 18 months old. He and DH actually talked about moving his room down to the main floor. Again, good luck poster with kids lurrvvvving you and your son!
I'm not sure bs would be
I'm not sure bs would be comfortable in the basement. I would give him the smaller room if it were closer to the master. I just don't know how he will adjust so having him closer makes me feel more secure.
And your bf's
And your bf's perspective:
I'm not sure my boys will be comfortable sharing a room. DS's room is close to the master now, but he will have to move for her son... not sure how I feel about pushing my child further away so hers can be closer... I just don't know how he will adjust and having him further makes me insecure
you said this:
I won't allow my son to be picked on or allow them to be mean to him. He comes first.
Do you not think that he feels the same way about his kids, and what you're expecting from them?
If this is a problem he will
If this is a problem he will let me know.
Didn't he once try to let you
Didn't he once try to let you know about something he disagreed with, and your response to that was to leave it alone, but remove yourself from his environment, essentially manipulating him to do it your way if he wants to be around you?
He let me know and i did what
He let me know and i did what was right for me and bs. It was an inconvenience to him so he changes his view and altered his parenting. I didn't say a word after discussing it with him once.
right... he altered his
right... he altered his parenting, which was fine, to appease you... his choice... but when things start going to hell in a hand basket, I doubt you'll find much here other than "you were warned"
Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
Doesn't your dh alter his
Doesn't your dh alter his parenting for you?
He alters his parenting when
He alters his parenting when something he is doing is not working... not because I just don't like how he's parenting.... I wait for HIM to be frustrated with something that's not going well, and for HIM to ASK for my opinion before I give it... if he doesn't ask, I'll make an offhand comment about maybe he should think about trying something else, and let him work it out...
I don't try to force him into changing his ways just because I disagree with them... I don't manipulate him into doing it by withholding myself from him until he does it my way. That shows conditional love... as in... you're only going to be with him if he does something for you... not really the best way to fan the flame of relationships.
You're coming in there with your opinions about parenting, and when he doesn't do it your way, you punish him into changing it. You didn't like that his kids had a later curfew, when it was working perfectly fine before you came along... it inconvenienced you, because all of a sudden you felt it wasn't fair to your kid... so you inconvenienced him into doing it your way.
Clearly his parenting couldn't be all that bad, if his kids were the well mannered good kids you initially spoke of.
Your tit for tat attempts at changing his ways, for him to parent his kids like you parent your own child, aren't going to go over well in the end.
These aren't kids throwing tantrums and he caters to them, breeding entitled kids... these are teenagers, used to living a certain way just fine...and you're essentially making him take away the freedoms he felt them worthy of having, just because your son doesn't have those same freedoms and you don't feel they should have them, because it isn't "fair".
You are expecting things to be fair across the board... but the reality is, it's not fair across the board, it will never BE fair across the board... your child will always be the youngest one, who doesn't get as much leeway as the older kids... and forcing them to include him, when 1) they barely know him and 2) they're the ones losing out on this deal, isn't going to do much in your favor towards your hopes of blending into one big happy family.
I mean...they're ALREADY complaining that they want things the way they were before. They've CLEARLY noticed that things have changed...for the worse, for them... it won't be long until they take it out on you. What then... withhold yourself from him until he stands up to them? until he puts you first? until their relationship is destroyed because he didn't put them first? Because THAT doesn't breed contempt at all... and it's just strange, honestly, that you don't want him to put them first when putting a child first seems to be something you're pretty stuck on...
You probably think you're doing what's best, but from the outside looking in - and it seems to be the consensus around here - it seems like you're single-handedly destroying any hope of a good life with these people by forcing them to live how you want them to live.
No offense meant, of course.
12 and he needs to be close
12 and he needs to be close to his mother??? Um... is there any particular reason why a 12yo boy would want to be sleeping nearby? I am honestly baffled. At 12, I LOVED having a bedroom away from my parents. :?
oh Boy, good luck with all
oh Boy, good luck with all that! you want to move your SO's two boys into a room to share while your kid gets his own room.. the bigger one of course... do you really think his kids are going to be OK with that? and I'm going to stop right here...quit while I'm ahead, because I know better than to try and talk sense into posters like this.
His boys know each other
His boys know each other better than thee they know bs. I just assumed they would want to share with each other. I'll ask SO about it.
When you were a 16 year old
When you were a 16 year old girl, who you have been thrilled to suddenly be forced to share a room with your 14 year old sister because your dad was moving his girlfriend in and she insisted on HER kid having his own room?
Why on earth would high
Why on earth would high school students be expected to let a 12 year old tag along on their evening? Are they supposed to keep the entire evening appropriate for a middle schooler just because you don’t want to watch your own kid? They are correct, they were not hired to babysit.
Yep - they are now 100% sure
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Yep - they are now 100% sure that all the changes to how dad interacts with them are your fault.... I give it less than 3 months before your blogs are all about how terrible they are to you and how it's not working out.
No how terrible they are to
No how terrible they are to her son. How many times have we seen it happen.
I won't allow my son to be
I won't allow my son to be picked on or allow them to be mean to him. He comes first.
Oh yes, that too. They will
Oh yes, that too. They will totally gang up on him... she will bring it up to Tom... Tom will defend his babies and start treating the boy unfairly... she will freak out and disengage... drama will ensue... but she's done nothing wrong, of course... just tried to blend the families.... why are they all so cruuuueeeeelllll.....
Already fighting/arguing... already have resentment... yet already calling his kids sd/ss and they haven't even moved in together yet... it won't be long now before the rest unfolds.
Anyone notice that Cutter
Anyone notice that Cutter does not respond to the messages left. I am thinking all she wants is attention and to show how truly manipulative and controlling she really is. Next thing his kids will be sent off with some relatives or a boot camp because they are too much to control.
I am not really sure that will happen but sweety moving way too fast and seems like you are trying to push his kids out of the way. You want all these rules and now you want everyone to move bedrooms all so your son can have his own. I think you really should take sometime to evaluate what is going on here.
If you all move his sons into
If you all move his sons into a room together prepare for WW3. They are not going to like to have to share a room when your son gets his own room. Slow down on those moving in plans.
Moving plans aren't in stone
Moving plans aren't in stone yet. I was thinking the best way to do it. SO and I still have to talk about it and I'm not sure how his kids will want to do it. We haven't set a date or anything this is just me talking out loud.
Don't move in. Stop trying
Don't move in. Stop trying to tell him how to raise his previously well adjusted and polite kids. Stop meddling in his children's affairs. Stop pushing your young son on these older teens. You are textbook doing everything wrong and guaranteed to end up with a bad result for everyone.
Live separate and date if you must, but stop giving him parenting advice. He did fine before you came on the scene.
No. Thanks for the advice but
No. Thanks for the advice but we are moving forward with our relationship and working towards marriage. Our kids will adjust. I'm not pushing my son on anyone.
Actually, you are pushing
Actually, you are pushing your son and your ridiculous rules on this man and his children.
You make him go on a P!$##% fast each time he has the balls to tell you no. If his kids are lucky, someone in his inner circle will be able to talk some sense into him.
If you are really serious
If you are really serious about combining households (please don’t), move into a new house. This is the home of their deceased mother, correct? Even if they are welcoming you with open arms, they will have a hard time watching you make changes. Every painted room, every seapped artwork, will be erasing her. They may not even realize why they feel resentful.
Bonus for moving, enough rooms for everyone.
His house is in the perfect
His house is in the perfect location. I understand the worry but it will be fine. I'll make it ours slowly and with their help.
You might be able to count on
You might be able to count on their (the skids) help, if they are made to help, but they might harbor a LOT of resentment. Be prepared for that.
with their help haha.. let us
with their help
haha.. let us know how that goes!
What happened to the promise
What happened to the promise SO made to his now dead wife not to move another woman into his house? I thought he was still conflicted about it?
That's THIS one? Crikey. My
That's THIS one? Crikey. My bad.
Yep. I'm not sure if the kids
Yep. I'm not sure if the kids were aware of the promise.
IDK either but OP is probably
IDK either but OP is probably acting like the poster girl for the reason why his wife didn't want him bringing a new woman into the home.
"IDK either but OP is
"IDK either but OP is probably acting like the poster girl for the reason why his wife didn't want him bringing a new woman into the home."
THIS
The OP is determined to turn their world into a Disney movie.
dup
dup
He is p***y whipped if he
He is p***y whipped if he goes for this. I'm sure you're quiet proud that your manipulation is working for you. I dearly hope this guy has someone with big enough balls to warn him about moving in with or marrying you. Never underestimate the talents of pissed off teens to nail you for what you're doing.
A word of advice bestowed on me when I was 17 - by a dear friend who was neighbors with a woman similar to you that had a rotten kid named Jeffrey Charles. He was a little shit. No one likes the whiney brat. One day, the gal was furious with my friend for not gushing over Jeffrey Charles's latest escapades. This is what my friend said,:
No one thinks your kid is as great as you do. Trust me.
That stuck in my mind and I remember that to this day 31 years later. And guess what? No one does. You're shoving your kid up their asses. Cut it out. You're changing their routine. Cut it out. Stop being pushy and controllling. It's going to bite your a$$
"Never underestimate the
"Never underestimate the talents of pissed off teens to nail you for what you're doing." so very true. or for what you're not doing. or for them imagining you are or are not doing something. or for what someone else imagined you are/are not doing then relayed it to skids.
i spent years being called "HURRRRRRRRRR". i spent a long time being crucified for things like "SHE LOOKED AT ME WROOOONG."
yup, yup, fun times until i disengaged and let dh parent his kids how he wanted to. which made my direct relationship with each one of them much, much better.
Making his teenage boys share
Making his teenage boys share a room when they had their own room - not going to go well, especially if your son will have his own room. You need to rethink this. Put yourself in their place - how would you feel? Say you had your own office at work and some new, younger woman got hired so the boss wants you and a co-worker to now share a bigger office down the hall so the new hire could be in the office close to them....in case she needs them. It's ridiculous.
That is all...
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
That is all...
This is going to explode and
This is going to explode and you will likely be out on your ear. His kids will eventually make him realize your manipulation, and he'll choose them over you. If he doesn't, then he deserves whatever resentment he gets from them.
Anyone willing to bet on
Anyone willing to bet on there being an poops baby by next summer?
Why does your son need you in
Why does your son need you in the middle of the night??? And why is he tricko treating with his mom? Are you deliberately raising him so dependent on you? I’d focus on my own parenting first. Don’t worry about SO’s kids
I just wish I knew this guy
I just wish I knew this guy so I could tell him to RUN!!! His kids are hating her guts and I don't blame them.
why should the 2 boys
why should the 2 boys share... you have a basement and well SS16 can turn that into his own private pad, you put a TV in there and he will be as happy... the BS only moves into SS16's room.... the other 2 children stay put?
and I really like the way you are training your SO, good for you, we as second wives should be firm with them and teach them new ways..
but I think you are making a mistake moving in with SO before you are legally married, cause as the second woman the children will not obey you if you are simply the girl friend...
make it clear, you will not be living together in sin, you get married first... remember you have a son that has to learn how to respect woman and there's a girl in the house that needs to learn it's not okay to live with men and change beds every year or so, this is a good way of teaching the kids self respect and to respect others, you can't have the milk unless you bought the cow
Well it's been over a month
Well it's been over a month and I don't think you've posted since....
did ya'll move in together? Were you able to take over the home? Did this all go to hell in a handbasket? What's the update?
enquiring minds want to know!