My DH and I don't have any children of our own, but if we did, my child would get more - more presents, more trips, more hype on the birthday - because as you said, DH & I would be our child's only family. SSs have us and BM and her husband. I don't feel like DH and I need to provide everything for them, because someone else is providing for them, too.

I suspect my feelings are not in the norm, but when it comes to "fairness", it's impossible to be fair when one child has two families and another child has one.

Your husband should buy presents for all his kids.
You should buy presents for your own bio children... and we will assume their biomothers will buy the steps presents too.

It may never be equal but it would be nice to not make it obvious that your children are somehow getting favored.. like you use your DH and your joint funds to buy your kids laptops and his kids get socks.... not cool.

I guess it might mean at times that you and your DH go in on a joint present.. for example.. he spends 100 per child and you do too... your joint bio kids might get a 200 dollar present while his kids will get a 100 present.. BUT they can be reminded their mother will also be gifting.

I'm only going to ask you ONE question:

Do the other BM's buy for DH's other kids?

I grew up with divorced parents that both remarried.

My father had 2 older children that lived with him full time and my SM had 2 as well. We always had Christmas with him on Christmas Eve. Christmas day we were with our mother. The kids that lived with them full time would always get a few more presents on Christmas morning.

Before my skids lived with us I just focused on the number of gifts. My son would get more expensive gifts than I bought them, but they'd all have the same amount. They were younger then. They live with us full time now and I still do it that way. They get an extra Christmas and my children don't.

I have 2 BM's in my life.

SS12 and BD3 (who is our shared child) reside with SO and I. SS12's mom is kind of a flake and unreliable which means holidays and birthdays fall on SO and I to make great for him.

SD7 has her mother and her grandparents whom she resides with that truly spoil this child.

When it comes to holidays/birthdays I do spend more on SS and BD than I do on SD7 because she does have a mom & co that take care of these things in a big way. SS and BD just have SO and I.

It is important to note that SD does not come to our house for Christmas morning-for this reason. If she did spend Christmas morning with us I may need to re-evaluate things a bit.

We do get gifts for SD but they aren't from Santa, they're from SO and the kids. BM2 and I oddly enough exchange gifts with one another-but she buys me something from SD and I buy her something "from SO" but we both know what's what. They're small gifts, candles, comfy socks, a bath bomb. BM1 only gets me something if she's royally screwed the pooch in some way shape or form and is trying to buy an ally.

But that is how we do holidays.

I worried about that the first Christmas my DH and I were married... he had 2 and I had 2 (mine were a few years younger). DH's kids NEVER spent any Christmas Eves or Christmas Days with him - according to BM they weren't allowed as those were HER holidays. Every single year. So of course by the time they made it to our house (New Years Eve - because BM wanted to go party), they'd finally get their Christmas gifts from DH (and me, because DH INSISTED that my name was listed in the "from" column). Of course the kids would go on and on and on about how MUCH their mom and stepdad got them, turn their noses up at what "we" got them, then raise a fuss after finding out what MY kids received because it was inevitable that the big gift count would commence.

My DH also felt strongly that ALL 4 kids get the same #/$amount. But he was forgetting one thing... I was widowed. My kids didn't skip off to the "other parents" house. Not that I would drop boatloads of money on them because I didn't, but I also wasn't going to limit my spending on them because we had to make it equal.

I told my DH right up front.... YOU buy for your kids, I buy for mine. No questions, no comments to each other. If he wanted to blow money on them for unappreciated gifts (and they were, because nothing compared to Mom's gifts), more power to him. And if I shopped frugally and ended up spending $200 and ended up with a huge amount of gifts, so be it.

No, you do not have to spoil his kids.

Do you have joint finances?

Question for you. Does your DH have his oldest two kids at Christmas? Will all the children be, say getting Santa at your home together on Christmas morning? Or perhaps shortly around Christmas, you, Dad and all the children will be exchanging gifts together?

I ask , not because it's your responsibility to use your own paycheck to buy for his oldest kids, but hopefully, the plan you have in mind isn't showering a gazillion gifts (even if you personally out of separate finances buy it all for your kids) to open obviously worth hundreds of dollars while Dad or Dad and you give the two oldest kids three gifts worth a total of $40.

I am very anti dividing obvious situations in the manner I just used above. No, you don't have to buy with your own money for the skids. but you should refrain showering your younger kids in front of the older kids. No kid should sit and watch another kid open gift after gift after gift. You may find it easier and give a more 'equal' appearance if you were to give additional gifts to your own kids when the other two are not present and over with BM.

The other things about gifts, you can give your own kid any gifts you please any time you please. See something while shopping and want to gift it to your little one? Do so. Buy it, stick it in an non-occasion gift wrap/bag, bring it home and say 'here, kiddo, happy Wednesday'.

There are lots of ways to spend on and spoil your own kids without making a display issue of it in front of the skids.

Agreed with twoviewpoints. It all depends on whether they will be watching each other opening presents. If so, it should be equal. There will be lasting hurt and resentment if not. Besides, it's Christmas, so the holiday will be much more enjoyable if the children feel equally loved and no one is feeling hurt or left out. It would be better to spend less than more, if that's what it takes to make that happen.

This is very easy actually....

DH - buys for his 3 biological kids
You - buy for your 2 biological kids

in short, you do not buy for the 2 boys and DH does not buy for your daughter.... Your daughter has her own father and your step sons have their own mother