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Ruined Relationship over SS9, Am I Crazy?

Annoyed2626's picture

Submitted by Annoyed2626 on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 9:48am

I recently ruined a relationship after we moved in together. She was someone I was convinced I would marry, as we had all the plans to do so. I couldn't handle her 9 year old son's complete lack of discipline and terrible behavior as a result. He even acted immature and well below his age, which I think is the result of no consequences for his actions. It's hard to accept that I ended the relationship with someone I was totally crazy about, just because of their kid. Examples of the child's behavior include: Constant screaming in the house, putting his fingers in his mouth, sneezing into open air, disrespectful when asked to give up an iPad (yanks it away from his mother), unable to do simple things like tying shoes, getting dressed, or going to bed (would end up in our bed, which is unheard of to me at this age). Lastly, the repeated behaviors that I asked him to stop were of course never stopped, because there's no consequence (standing on the couch, spinning in chairs, putting shoes on furniture, etc). I found myself angry and on edge in my own home, and it totally derailed my relationship. Factoring in that I considered her "the one", it shows the power of what a child can do to a relationship.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 9:53am

I think sometimes people (women) cling to their children as comfort after they divorce.. thrive on the dependence.. makes for immature kids.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 9:56am

Do not blame a child for the adult's short comings...

SS did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong... all is the mother's fault, she treated him as her buddy after the divorce, she did not discipline him when needed, she gave the wrong kind of attention...

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 10:00am

You're not crazy. Dealing with someone else's un-parented child will drive a wedge in any relationship. Many - but not all - divorced parents seem reluctant to parent their children because a) they feel guilty that the child has to deal with the divorce; b) they are competing with their ex to be the "favorite parent"; c) they see their children for less time than they used to and don't want to waste that time parenting. As I said in a previous post, un-parented children are really difficult to like and an SO who refuses to parent their children can be infuriating.

Annoyed2626's picture

Submitted by Annoyed2626 on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 11:15am

I think this all very true, and part B especially. The dynamic between my SO and her ex was tense, to say the least.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 10:06am

I just moved in with my SO a few months ago and I can tell you if his son had done like half of the stuff you mentioned, I would lose my shit and smack them both over the head.

My SS is 9 and acts nothing like that. He does some stuff I do not like but has been corrected. Sitting at the dinner table half on the chair half off and it looked like he was always ready to run with the chair practically sideways. I fixed that because well my table and I pay the bills.

It is not the kids fault that you left keep that in mind please it was the person you thought was the one. She ruined it by allowing the behavior and raising a child to be like that. Put the blame where it needs to be put and that is solely on her.

Annoyed2626's picture

Submitted by Annoyed2626 on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 11:19am

I would add that kid liked me very much, and wanted our little family to stay together. Regardless of his liking me so much, he still wouldn't listen or obey simple commands. He already wanted to call me Dad, which freaked me out as well - since he has a Dad that he sees weekly.

secret's picture

Submitted by secret on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 11:22am

if you're thinking about getting back together with her, you need to make it clear to her that she needs to reign in her holy terror.

Annoyed2626's picture

Submitted by Annoyed2626 on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 11:26am

"holy terror" made me laugh, thanks for that! I think I broke up in a way that it can't be repaired at this point, which is probably a good thing for me. Takes out the option to fall back into it.

Kirby's picture

Submitted by Kirby on Thu, 10/19/2017 - 11:45am

Yeah all of those are things my ss5 does but is improving on every day. I expect it of him, not a 9 year old. Sounds like the damage to the child is done, it can and might be repaired but it's going to be behavioral issues the child himself will have to fix well into adulthood. If it didn't work, she wasn't the one. Someone else is out there .