Shouldn't there be limits on what you do for your adult kids?
My BF lets his daughter have free reign of everything he has. He just bought a new car the other day and guess who has it? She has her own car, it's just because she wanted to drive it. :? I don't understand why every time he has something she tries to act like it's hers. I guess I know why...because he lets her. If you have read my previous post then you would understand the shitty dynamics of this whole situation. I am just done with it.
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I get why your mad but
I get why your mad but unfortunately he wont get it until its his daughter thats complaining. My advice is monopolize everything he has. I would find a need for everything she wants and put him in a place where he realizes he cant make her wants a priority
I would love to do that, but
I would love to do that, but she jumps on the that train real quick before I even have a chance. She wants to monopolize so she can mark her territory and he lets her do it! BF and I haven't been getting along because every time I bring something up about him pushing me out, he turns on me. He might as well be married to his daughter. I don't know all of the abbreviations to use here. And where do you get the quotes on the end? :?
As long as he isn't allowing
As long as he isn't allowing her to use your things or items you paid for, it isn't your concern.
Trying to monopolize HIS things in an effort to keep them away from his daughter will just make you look petty, jealous and insecure.
I try not to look petty, but
I try not to look petty, but anything I say it turns out I do look petty in the end. If you read my previous blog it tells some of the things about SD. I just think that she should respect that those are her dads things, however this is the way he taught her and even more he doesn't care that everything is open to her even our bank account!
There should never be an "our
There should never be an "our bank account" in a situation like this.
You can't stop him spending his money on what he wants (his daughter).. as long as he is holding up his financial end of things. BUT, she shouldn't have access to your money.
it's not his spending money,
it's not his spending money, it's the fact that he doesn't care that she can go on and look at our mutual bank account because it is open with pw on the office computers. I do care and that should account for something.
There are plenty of people
There are plenty of people who don't HAVE to limit what they do for their children because their children were raised with a sense of independence and a drive to be self reliant.
For everyone else... There's mastercard.
I agree with you. What people
I agree with you. What people don't understand is when they become ADULTS they should not manipulate parent to have and get their way about everything they want. I see it as when we are trying to establish our rs and live together plus talking marriage this is going to effect me in some way as we intertwine our material belongings. She works with him and makes good money, she also has a nice car. This is clearly his fault though.
Thank gawd you're not married
Thank gawd you're not married to this guy.
It is starting to get real
It is starting to get real sickening and you are probably right.
Oh Renae it truly never ends.
Oh Renae it truly never ends. Yes its your SO's decision on what he does for his daughter as long as it doesn't affect your finances. BUT it does affect you emotionally and that is huge. You feel like the third wheel, and his relationship with his daughter is somewhat like husband wife. I remember your last blogs. This isn't about that she borrowed his car, its just one more thing added to the pile of ship. WTH does she need to drive daddys car, I am certain her plastic surgeon husband can buy her several to ride around in. (Hope this is the correct OP)
Point blank you are affected by an unhealthy father daughter relationship. No boundaries, total enmeshment, so the financial aspect means zilch in this.
You need a counsellor for both of you, and one who deals with step families. Not one like CG. Though I truly doubt she is a counsellor, but that's just IMO.
Dovina yes you are so right!
Dovina yes you are so right! And we started going to counseling a while ago over this because she was making it difficult for him and I didn't know how to deal with it. But fast forward like I posted up above, She has found new ways to manipulate. Oh yes. And you totally get it. Recently we decided to split up ( lasted two days) because we had discussed an out of town trip that had to do with his business and he asked me if I still was planning on going. I was a little annoyed that he had to ask. Of course his daughter was going. Well he wouldn't admit it but apparently he didn't want me to go is what it looked like to me then he threw in there after I got upset with him that no he didn't want me to go because of daughter and I was upset after we already talked about this. So he didn't like that I was upset over this. Yes I feel like the third wheel. Maybe I will take that wheel and just drive on off. Thanks for your understanding.
Been there done that...we
Been there done that...we were going to a family event out of town, which was stressful enough because BM would be there. However SD was not coming. Then at last minute SD said she was coming. SO started saying things like "are you sure you can come" etc. Hindsight 20/20, I wish I didn't go. It was a total gang up on Dovina family event. I actually laugh about it now. They are dysfunctional crazy Neanderthals. (no offense to Neanderthals.)
Maybe your SO was trying to protect you in a sense by asking you if you were going. He knew that SD would pull stuff, and since he is a scared Disney Dad and wont confront her, its easier to take you out of the picture???
You could be right. She had
You could be right. She had all of the office friends going. She likes to be in a group so she can have people on her side. Needless to say.. I'm not going. I am going to do my own my own thing. So I told him to have fun! Now is the time for me to start making plans to get the hell out! It will never change.
We are living in such
We are living in such parallel lives. I go through the very same thing. Many times I have wanted to get the heck out of dodge. Its a hard decision. Do what your gut tells you. (I suppose I should follow my own advice lol)
Lol sometimes it's hard when
Lol sometimes it's hard when you are middle aged, you don't want to pick up and start over again. I think he thinks if I would agree with everything he does that it won't be a problem. When I am gone he's going to find out real quick that it's not just me. You know there is always more to the situation, you just can't put it all in writing. If you can stick it out Dovina I commend you and hope you are not doing yourself an in-justice. There's one thing I cannot handle above all and that is to not be a valuable source in the rs. I have been by myself and I don't have a problem doing it again.
Again, just like I said in
Again, just like I said in your other blog, this is what your BF allows. He is okay with it and probably always will be, this is the relationship he has with his daughter.
You can try to change it but you will be met with resistance and resentment, and accused of being jealous. He has to want to change it and chances are, he doesn't want to.
Part of getting to know someone, to see if we want to be in a relationship with them, is getting to know the other dynamics in their life. Relationships don't happen in a bubble. The other relationships they have matter and WILL affect our relationship with the person, because how they conduct those other relationships, are part of who they are.
My husband is a nice guy, who will do anything for anyone. Sounds great, right? Sure, then his car broke down from always running his non-driving family around. They refused to contribute to any maintenance for his car, even though they got more use out of it than he did. This was before we were dating, so he was already seeing who his family was.
He realized, on his own, that his family uses him and takes advantage (his siblings and their kids) and he put a stop to it a long time ago. They thought they could treat him like crap and he would just roll over. He finally had enough and put his foot down. I'm sure they blame me (this was after we were together) but I couldn't care less, it was HIS choice. And, of course, I supported it. }:)
It is not just about getting along with someone, it takes more than that for a long term relationship to work. Two people either need to be in agreement on certain things, or one person has to be laid back and okay with the other person doing things completely different. I am not that laid back.
DH and I have the same thoughts on people borrowing our cars (we don't let them) and on people living with us (we don't let them, including his grown daughter). These may seem like small issues, but they would affect me if DH went rogue.
We agree not to give his daughter money, she is on welfare and refuses to get a job (and this irritates DH to no end) so, although he would like to help her, he won't (at least, not financially). We would have a BIG problem, otherwise, but because we both have good work ethics, we feel the same way about this.
Your BF has given his daughter a certain position in his life AND his business. You either need to be okay with that...or not and possibly leave, because I don't see it changing any time soon.
Hereiam, all of what you
Hereiam, all of what you said!! Especially your last paragraph.
I don't think SD would know
I don't think SD would know what to do in the real world without BF. He doesn't want her to suffer he says. It sounds like you have a good established rs and that's great. I hardly think we will get there being he is so easy and wants to cater to his kids instead of letting them grow wings. You want something? Here you go! Because he doesn't want to disappoint and lose his kids. I was trying establish our boundaries and come to an agreement on things, but he is just Condescending lately. That to me shows lack of value and interest in anything that I have an opinion on. Sorry about his luck, but I will move forward with that attitude. I am about meeting in the middle and not going to play follow the leader anymore.
My SD could not make it in
My SD could not make it in the real world if something happens to BM. BM enables her and is a co-dependent, herself.
DH knows that someday, reality is going to smack his daughter down. He does not want that to happen but knows it's going to have to come to that. He does not want her to suffer, which is why he has tried so hard to instill in her the need for independence. She.just.won't.listen.
Well, she might listen but she is lazy, so doesn't want to make the effort. She assumes somebody, whether it be the government, her mother, a man, or whoever, will bail her out. She actually sees herself as being independent. It's laughable.
BM has done her no favors and DH refuses to contribute to his daughter's helplessness, he knows that will not help her in the long run.
She will not take any advice or our help, if it's something that requires something of her (she would take money in a heartbeat!). We have tried to help, but it consisted of helping her get a job and that's not what she wants.
People need to know the difference between helping and hindering. BM hinders my SD, your BF is hindering his daughter. And at the expense of his own relationship.
I hate to say, but I really
I hate to say, but I really can't stand her because she has entitled issues. Of course they are not issues to BF. She is clearly taking advantage and still has the car. I'm not even nice anymore and becoming really resentful. I have a relationship with an idiot. From the very start it was clear to me that she wanted control and to take everything. If my Bf had nothing then she wouldn't be up his ass. It's about what she can get and how she can get it. She wines and cries and uses the deceased mother to manipulate now. She wasn't even talking to her when she passed due to the fathers and her rs issues. So I can imagine that she tried to medal to get what she wanted then. The sad thing is that she is a narcissist and most people can rarely see through this.