My list.
Tempeltons post got me to thinking. So here is my list of how to survive being a SM. (as best as you can). Feel free to add or take away.
FIRST!!!! Do not live with or marry a man until you have dated for two years at least. IMHO…it is best to not live with or marry until all kids are out of the house or at least almost out of HS.
2). Do not try to fix his parenting or his kids.
3). Don’t try to fix skids eating habits.
4). Don’t combine finances until kids are out of the house.
5). Do expect respect. If skids do not respect you then your Dh is a problem.
6). Do be the friendly Aunt. They don’t need another mom.
7). Do let DH be responsible for his own kids. Yes help out if needed here and there IF YOU WANT, but don’t let him push his kids off on you and do NOT discipline his kids.
8). Do let DH hang with his kids by himself.
9). Don’t be the one responsible for their school work. It does not reflect on you, how those kids turn out.
10). Try to be as disengaged from BM as you can and don’t fall into the trap of talking about BM ALL the time with your DH.
11). Try to realize that his kids WILL come first most of the time, while they are young.
12). Before marriage, have a plans/agreements with your SO. How long will the kids live with you after HS? How many chores do you both expect skids to do? Are kids expected to get a job at 16? Etc.
13). And last but not least…always remember that there is a good chance that skids will live with you full time at one point.
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Comments
LOL, I have done the opposite
LOL, I have done the opposite of almost all these.
That is how I came up with
That is how I came up with the list Ninji. But I only crossed a few of them. lol
Same LOL... I got lucky with
Same LOL... I got lucky with my results though.
I personally live by number
I personally live by number 8. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Oh…I have to add one!!! Do
Oh…I have to add one!!!
Do Not expect BM and skids to just fade away when skid is 18 or 21. I did and boy was I wrong.
So true! Willow they will
So true! Willow they will never fade away. When they are adults it is worse because you think they will act like adults. And it never happens.
"When they are adults it is
"When they are adults it is worse because you think they will act like adults. And it never happens."
^Gawd, isn't this the truth. Wish I had know this before I married DH and tried to befriend the "adult" ss's, it would have saved me years of suffering. If only I had approched them as poor special snowflakes who should get a trophy for being a COD things would have been better
I am guilty of number 2. I
I am guilty of number 2. I tend to push DH to call and see SKs more. They are adults. One of them is crazy. When we met he told me that less is more with her. I still pushed for us seeing her more. Well it's a disaster all together. I am trying to bite my tongue now. I dont always succeed
My biggest one... Do spend
My biggest one...
Do spend as much time/money as you'd like on self-care and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it
When DH and I first got together, his family would complain that I was out shopping with my friends all the time, going to the bar on weekends, etc. etc. but I didn't see any reason to stop! Just because he had a child, doesn't mean I had to live my life tied down without any freedom like he did.
I just got slapped in the
I just got slapped in the face with this.
Before I met DH (and I made $11 less an hr) I had nice things including clothes.
Gradually, I have spent less money on me and more on skids and DH.
To the point that wasn't even wearing work appropriate clothing. I was just wearing jeans and t shirts because that's all I had left (I work in a professional office setting)
Well, in July, I told SD to write the number of shirts, pants, underwear etc. she had at our house and at BM's house. I said even though DH isn't working right now, I would try to get her some stuff to start school with.
She has over 100 shirts. They all fit. I was shocked. I'm the one that buys 99% of skid shit. At the time I was down to only three pairs of pants to wear to work.
I'm an idiot. I spent about $500 on clothes for myself last week and I'm feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time.
DH actually asked me yesterday after work if there is a guy at work I'm trying to impress. I told him no. I just realized I was doing too much for skids and nothing for myself.
It's so easy for this to
It's so easy for this to happen. Kids/having a family costs a ton of money, but sometimes we have to remind ourselves that anything we contribute should be extra, not relied upon. We should NOT be a huge part of the financial upbringing for skids, unless we can reasonably afford it while still enjoying our paycheques ourselves!
I recently noticed I was spending a lot of money on my stepdaughter because I'm pregnant and wanted to make sure she didn't feel left out, so I would shop for the baby and pick her up a couple things. I put a stop to that after noticing and nobody has said anything
I deserve to spoil my baby and myself right now!
I went out and got my hair done and bought a few new dresses yesterday because well, it's my money and I can spend it how I want to!
Do understand that these are
Do understand that these are your SO's children...not yours you are under no obligation to them, regardless of what DH, BM, your friends, and family tell you.
Amen girl!
Amen girl!
I really wish I had read all
I really wish I had read all of this and found this site before jumping so blindly into the role of a SM! Your list has a lot of wisdom in it! And apparently the article that initially irked me had wisdom in it as well. I just had to look at it with a different perspective.
Now I just need a list of how to survive after making the mistake of not following all these items to begin with
Don't go into the
Don't go into the relationship with too many preconceived notions.
Accept the fact that your needs or desires may not always come first. However, insist that you are a priority.. not the only priority.. but that your SO will consider your feelings and allow your needs to be met too. ie sometimes one person's needs will outweigh another person's wants.. but it shouldn't always be onesided.
Don't try to be a BFF with the EX. By all means if you can both be pleasant and your DH doesn't have a non-confrontational relationship... great. However in the majority of the situations, they are an EX for a reason. Your DH doesn't want you palling around with his EX. He would hope that you wouldn't contribute to more issues with the ex either if at all possible. (IE don't call her and start giving her ultimatums)
Try to let the kids have the relationship that they want with you and realize that sometimes the by the very virtue of their relationship with their mother, they will be punished if they appear to "like" you too much. In these situations, the kid just can't win... and sometimes disengagement is better for everyone.
For your #4, if that's the
For your #4, if that's the case... do not move in with the man or try to have a relationship with the kids. It's not okay to let a child or their mother to dictate the relationship. You'll end up in a world of misery and you can't win either... just date the man and eff word "blending" as it's nearly impossible with a crazy ass ex in the background.
My DH's EX was a bit like
My DH's EX was a bit like that in #4... and that meant at times, I had to do "less" for the girls than I would have liked to because I knew it was just going to earn them an earful when they went home. But, even if mom is acting this way, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be away from them, just let there be some distance emotionally if that is helpful.
For me the fundamental thing
For me the fundamental thing that makes my situation work is that my husband is willing to listen to me and my concerns even when I admit things that are self centered or selfish and he tries to work with me so that we can find a better way forward.
He is not always perfect though and has made big mistakes in my mind but our commitment to the marriage helps us to move forwards.
Oh and step talk helps a ton...even just to read everyone else's stories and hear how others cope, or similar situations to mine, or those which are worse. Helping me to brace myself for the future by seeing that worse could yet come out way.
I just wish I was brave enough to post a little more openly but I fear BM finding out and everything backfiring so I try to limit what I say and when I say it.
Here's mine Don't hang out
Here's mine
Don't hang out in your bedroom when the skids come over. It is your home too! Hiding out shows a lack of control of the situation. Take it back!
THIS ^ so important the first
THIS ^
so important
the first year or so living with DH and SD, I hid out in my bedroom ALL THE TIME because SD, who was a toddler at the time, made such a mess of the living room. DH would let her watch cartoons in there all night, eating snacks on MY couch and dirtying it up, bringing toys all over the house and leaving them laying around, it was so out of my comfort zone having never been around kids, let alone kids without rules, so I just hid out and ignored it. I wanted to cry most of the time.
I ended up getting involved because I simply couldn't deal with it anymore. Now we follow a set standard of rules - SD gets no more than 1 hour of cartoons a day, than the TV goes off or me/DH watch what we want to watch. She has to bring her toys upstairs back to her room after she's done playing with them. If they get left out, they get thrown out. And absolutely NO food anywhere aside from the kitchen table. My home is livable again.
Don't hang out in your
Don't hang out in your bedroom when the skids come over.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh I did. For my own sanity. Not because SS was rude or mean. Mainly because SS could talk and talk and talk and talk some more. Lol. I did not do it all the time but there are just certain times I did not want to listen to SS talk and talk and…well you get it.
I guess I should have said
I guess I should have said "Don't hide out in your bedroom"!
Some SMs feel they have no control, so they hide when the skids come over. I can certainly see hanging out in your bedroom to get away from the annoying ones.
Oh Willow, will you marry me
Oh Willow, will you marry me :).
You know I will Sweet!
You know I will Sweet!
This was DH too! Had his
This was DH too! Had his grown sons living w/him for years and he paid his nephew to mow the lawn.
Love this list! Feeling
Love this list!
Feeling grateful that my situation has turned out 90-95% OK, despite not following this set of rules or having any clue what I was doing...and despite some significant rough patches. It helps that DH is pretty strict on his kids, in general, and expects a lot of them.
My big one would be finances - have a plan, don't let them reroute you or take priority over your own well-being.
Good list, but I don't
Good list, but I don't necessarily agree with being "the friendly Aunt". It was clearly made to me that I am NOT family; I am DH's wife. In turn, I don't consider the skids to be my family either.
I wish I'd know about STalk beforehand! I would have gone in disengaged and treated the skids like I would treat a new coworker: nice and polite.
Aniki that is a perfect way
Aniki that is a perfect way to put it. Treat them like a new co worker. Be nice and keep things at a level where you don't feel to involved.
I used to feel like a
I used to feel like a friendly aunt when they were smaller. Though, shortly after DH and I married, I got my first REAL niece and the feeling was night-and-day different.
My one niece and my five nephews are now one of my biggest joys in life...not so much for my skids. Feel like the "friendly aunt" analogy diminishes what being an aunt is like for me...lol.
Anyway...I did try to go for this friendly aunt, friend, big sister kind of thing when they were little. I feel like we were relatively close, all things considered. Now, they're all grown or near grown and it's clear they have no use for me. They're not mean about it...they just make no effort to see me or include me in any way, like they do with their dad. Every once in a while, I'll send one of them a text if I see something that reminds me of them...and they'll say "hahaha" or respond politely with one text. But DH sometimes adds me to a group text he sends to the skids...I'll come out of a meeting to a literal tornado of texts...30 to 40 joking around and riffing and generally having a good time together. This is not the treatment I get, clearly.
And...again...all that is fine. Natural and maybe to be expected. Except that I've literally paid for their existence for the past 7-8 years and am continuing to do so. I really wish I'd known that this is how skid-relationships tend to end up before I'd invested so much time and money in kids who aren't mine.
My niece and nephews, on the other hand...they're still little...but they make me stuff and want to come over to see me or call me on the phone or send me little videos of themselves playing with whatever thing I bought them. I know this may also naturally change as they get older...but I don't have any resentment about that fact, or about the fact that they'll naturally be more involved and communicative with their own parents...because I've never been expected to be in a parental role for them. Never been expected to contribute...never had my contributions taken for granted...everything I've done for them has been because I genuinely wanted to and not because I gave an inch and their parents took a mile...like has happened with my skids.
These are all things I wish I'd known, and I wish I'd created protective boundaries from the beginning...especially in terms of my time and my finances.
so true, Aniki, I read
so true, Aniki, I read recently your posts and I do share what you think
I'll add another one: Do not
I'll add another one:
Do not care what other people think about you and how you're approaching the SM role. Inevitably most will think you're either doing too much or not doing enough. Do what you think is right for you and your situation and ignore all the judgment.
DH's family has a lot of opinions on how I should be acting, treating the children, spending my money, etc. At first, it used to make me really upset to face their judgment, instead of being welcomed to the family (like my DH and SSs were welcomed into my family). But, I quickly realized that getting upset was only hurting me. It still bothers me from time to time that I'll always be an outsider in DH's family, but I'm not going to let that ruin my life and I'm not going to try waste time to convince them that they are wrong. My actions will speak for me. I didn't cause the divorce, so I won't take responsibility for making everyone feel better about it.
If the skids are girls, think
If the skids are girls, think about how you behaved as a teen girl...
If you were cool and would be a joy to live with, then the karma bus may not visit you.
If you sucked (as most of us did), then expect that you will be paid back 3 times as much crap as you put out into the universe.
FWIW, I sucked big time as both a daughter and stepdaughter from age 10-17, thus my ex sd's paid me back 3-fold before they were even teens - which caused me to bounce.