I almost fell out of my chair
At dinner tonight, DH was telling his friend how great I am and how lucky he is to have me. He said what a kind, giving person I am and SD decides to chime in. "My mom is nice too, why didn't you stay with her?" I was floored. Her parents haven't been together in almost 7 years and she says that. Thanks for the slap in the face, SD. She can't even remember when her parents were together except for family photos.
I reminded her that BM told her why they're not together and she couldn't seen to recall. BM admitted to SD that she "had another boyfriend" and that's why she can't be with DH anymore. SD supposedly doesn't remember. DH just said that "it just didn't work out".
Also we were running a bit late to drop SD off and DH tect BM to let her know. SD says "my mom is going to be so mad at you." I am fully annoyed at this point and say "your dad took care of it so you don't need to worry about it." The friend chimes in and says her grandfather always said "they can get over it or die angry." Great way to end my night. I am sick of a babied 12 year old who has no regards for others feelings and a husband who always excuses her by saying "she's just a kid." Gimme a break.
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"Sometimes people grow
"Sometimes people grow apart."
There's a standard answer that works when people don't want to talk about the hideous truth. As much as SD21 and SD24 (DH's step) think that DH should have stayed with BioHo, they both know she's, well, a 'Ho. Why on earth should DH stay married to a woman who opens her legs for every man she meets?
"That's between your mom and
"That's between your mom and dad and not something for you to worry about." Is the only response either situation required.
My *old school* mentality is
My *old school* mentality is being triggered. Back in my day kids were not privy to "adult" conversations. If I had spewed something disrespectful like this in front of my parents friends I would have promptly been told to leave the room while the adults were talking. Later I may have been slapped, spanked or grounded for being so disrespectful in front of my parents friends. I don't advocate slapping or spanking since it's considered abusive now but kids should know their place in the household and that is of a child, not equal to the adults.
SD needs some training on manners.
100% agree that children
100% agree that children should not be in the middle of adult conversations.
"It just didn't work out,"
"It just didn't work out," was a perfectly fine response.
Honestly, I wouldn't let stuff like that get to you. Of course, she wishes her parents had stayed together, of course, she thinks her mom is nice, blah, blah, blah. Who cares?
Although, it's kind of funny that she talks about how nice her mom is but then says how mad she's going to be that you guys were running late. Eventually, she will realize the inconsistencies but even so, that is her mom. Even when she sees the truth about her, she won't want to believe or admit it.
My SD26 is still completely of BM's butt, even though SD now knows who and what she really is.
Tankh21 says it makes her feel like an outsider to hear her steps talk about BM, but guess what? To the steps, we ARE the outsider. I have been with my DH since his daughter was 5, and although she respects that I am her dad's wife, I am really nothing to her. I.don't.care.
Frankly, it always amused me to hear my SD talk about her mom. Talk about eye rolling moments!
Yes, I realize we are
Yes, I realize we are outsiders to the skids however, my skids respect their teachers and coaches so the respect for stepparents should be no different from that.
it is truly annoying having
it is truly annoying having to hear about BM all the time and what a wonderful person she is. It makes me feel like an outsider.
You are referring to two different things. Talking about their mother is not disrespectful. If they are rude to you, that is different, but you said that them talking about BM makes you feel like an outsider. :?
I think you feel that they disrespect you in other ways (and your husband does nothing about it), so anything they say and do annoys you because of that. I think it's common for feelings to cross over and taint everything.
haha.. ok, I can think of how
haha.. ok, I can think of how my husband and I would have responded if a kid asked such a question in front of company.
First would be the look that would bring to mind that sitcom "screech to a halt" sound from both of us.
Then the "We don't discuss personal business in front of guests. you can go to your room and think about that"
Finally, after said friend left that topic would have been revisited by my DH with the culprit. "Honey, I know you love your mom and think she is a nice person, but there are lots of nice people in the world and that doesn't mean that they should all be married to each other. Relationships are more complicated than that. AND, bringing up your mother and asking a question like that when we have company and in front of my wife is rude and makes people uncomfortable. How would you like it if we started discussing the difficulty you had wetting the bed until two years ago while X was here or if we decided to talk about the feud your mom has with her sister. Family stuff is not public discussion."
BTW.. love the friend "they can get over it or die angry"...lol.
, bringing up your mother and
, bringing up your mother and asking a question like that when we have company and in front of my wife is rude and makes people uncomfortable. How would you like it if we started discussing the difficulty you had wetting the bed until two years ago while X was here or if we decided to talk about the feud your mom has with her sister. Family stuff is not public discussion."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THIS. And I guess I am the only one that feels that this 12 year old knew exactly what she was doing when she said something that stupid and rude. She is 12 FFS not 5-6.
She was being a little turd and she knew it. Good grief...I remember being 12. I understood what was rude and what was not. And I was a turd at that age too. Most girls are. This girl knew what she was saying was RUDE. It would be different it it was coming from a 6-7 year old.
And she knows she can get away with it because her dad is allowing it.
Since your DH is doing nothing and I am a big fan of disengagement, (so I would not say a thing to SD) But I think I would tell DH that you will not be around your SD anymore around other people since she is not being taught to not be a rude little turd. Once he has to have a few date nights with his friends AND his DD, without you, he make think about trying to correct her awful behavior.
I completely agree. All these
I completely agree. All these people saying she's just a child and it's perfectly natural for kids to be curious...it's completely innocent...blah, blah, blah, blah. She's 12...she's in 7th grade FFS! I remember that age well and definitely understood the "nuances of relationships" enough to know that this would be rude and uncalled for.
OSS told me I was stupid the
OSS told me I was stupid the other day as well because I didn't know that you could put a glow stick in the freezer and it will come back to life. He doesn't talk to his teachers or coaches or his mother that way I bet. Skids idolize their mother and tell her everything so they know the difference between being disrespectful to one adult and not another I personally think. I mean they run all over BM so that is disrespect but, I really don't think they call her stupid or make snide comments like they do in front of me.
I would have corrected
I would have corrected him.
No, OSS, I am not stupid. I was am not an expert at glow stickery. So, I was ignorant of that technique. If you are going to try to insult me, at least use the right word. Ignorant means I lack certain knowledge, not capability. Stupid means I lack intellectual capability. Do you understand the difference? Also, disrespectful talk to adults is not acceptable. Just like you were ignorant of the correct word to use... let's hope you are not too stupid to repeat these mistakes.
Sorry you had to deal with
Sorry you had to deal with that. SD7 also was too young to remember SO and BM together, but her and BM must discuss it frequently because SD is always coming out with useless information about when her parents were together. Last night at dinner it was, "Mama and Daddy used to get Chinese food a lot before I was born."
O rly? F A S C I N A T I N G.
Grapes, I can relate! PigPen
Grapes, I can relate! PigPen used to constantly talk about "when we lived in such-n-such town". He was barely 4 when BioHo left (with the skids). How much does someone actually remember at age 4? Pfffft. It's a bunch of glorified BS spewed by 'Ho trying to make it look like life was all twinkling fairy dust and sparkly unicorn farts. If life was SOOOOOOOO wonderful, why didn't DH and BioHo stay married? Oh, that's right...'Ho was/is a cheating 'ho!!!
My SD was very young when her
My SD was very young when her parents split but BM has been ever so helpful filling in the memories for her. Too bad they are lies.
The fact that YOU were the
The fact that YOU were the one who had to speak up to her about how insanely rude that was is astounding. There should not have been ANY justification given to the child in that moment but instead her father shutting that DOWN.
Thanks for your responses. We
Thanks for your responses. We got into a little argument after we dropped her off and he thinks I'm being too sensitive and "she doesn't know any better". Maybe I am, but someone needs to let her know that was rude to say right in front of me. Thank goodness our friends are laid back and know that BM is a cheater.
I didn't even think about how contradictory her comment about BM being so nice and then how mad she'll be at DH for SD being late. I'm not saying SD shouldn't be loyal to her mom, but her mom is a two face. Funny thing, BM feeds SD stories about their life before breaking up. She says certain songs were "their songs" and how they were such a happy family. Nope, bm, you're just a delusional psycho.
Also, BM knew DH was making SD's fave dinner- bbq pork ribs, so what does she do? Makes SD eat the meatloaf she made before we pick her up so SD doesn't eat DH's food. I don't hate anyone but I hate that woman.
She doesn't know any better?
She doesn't know any better? Well, what a fine time to teach her! Duh.
A girl can only hope. He
A girl can only hope. He pretty much thinks that since she is with BM 80% the of time that BM is the only influence and "oh well". Well, sometimes he corrects and explains things to SD. More often than not, he gets so annoyed with her that he just snaps at her.
"he thinks I'm being too
"he thinks I'm being too sensitive and "she doesn't know any better". "
Um... What exactly does your husband think his role as a father is? To perhaps TEACH the child to know better? Not knowing any better is not an excuse to continue behavior, it's a reason to understand why it's happening as he parents his child like a responsible human being.
I wish my DH would listen to
I wish my DH would listen to this because that is exactly what I tell him all the time. He says that "well SS is just a kid" and that I am always criticizing his kids.
I question having kids with
I question having kids with this man. I believe that kids should respect adults and be well mannered. BM lets SD run amuck and DH pretty much does too except when he feels like disciplining her. I told him that if he can't explain things to SD so that she quits being a rude little snot, how can I expect him to discipline "ours" kids. This hurt his feelings and he said I should "assume" he'll be a good dad as he "assumes" I'll be a good mom.to an ours kid.
I think it is very wise to
I think it is very wise to question having kids with a man who apparently doesn't feel it's necessary to parent them.
What he doesn't seem to understand is that you have something not everyone has: A preview of his parenting skills. You don't have to assume anything. You know EXACTLY what roles he assumes and neglects. This isn't speculation you're doing, you're simply observing what is right in front of you. I know he'd hate to realize that but it's the truth.
You don't need to convince him of that, you just need to keep in mind that there is no guessing game for you here. You know precisely how things will go down if you bring a child into the world with him.
Which is very sad. I feel
Which is very sad. I feel like most of the duties would fall on me and that just wouldn't be fair to me or a child.
How can you assume he will be
How can you assume he will be a good dad when he continuously provides clear cut evidence that he is not one to SD?
Not that he can be a good thoughtful respectful husband of you ?
He is a kind, thoughtful
He is a kind, thoughtful husband but when he allows his daughter to make comments like that, I feel disrespected. We were at dinner so he didn't give her a speech and telling her that "it just didn't work out" was sufficient but I still felt slighted by SD. I care about her and she just thinks everyone is there for her convenience.
I wish that were the case. He
I wish that were the case. He "got onto her" before he picked her up so maybe he was trying to gain Disney daddy status again. We planned to have her for dinner last night on Sunday. DH is about to pick SD up at 530, calls to say he's otw and she just "doesn't want to go anymore." The only reason we planned to BBQ at our friend's house was so SD could have her fave dinner- ribs, and swim in their heated pool. All of a sudden she decided she wanted to stay home at BM's and do nothing instead of seeing dad. Nope, he let her have it. Then the crap she says at dinner. He is so inconsistent it makes my head spin.
I agree it's the parent's job
I agree it's the parent's job to teach kids to have a certain amount of discretion in what we talk about.
One thing that I think is touchy for step parents is how to impress that fact upon their SO's without coming across as picking on or criticizing the bio child.
I always tried to approach stuff like this with a lot of tact. Now, people can say..Well the little brat shouldn't talk to adults that way! or "You need to tell that little jerk to not talk about his mom or our relationship. It's a challenge and an attack and I think resistance and denial are a lot more likely response from a SO.
But, instead if you say "I know she is just a kid and probably doesn't realize how uncomfortable and hurt someone might be if they ask those kind of questions. But, if she doesn't learn to have a little more tact, she is going to have a real problem getting along with people in the future because strangers won't give her the benefit of the doubt like family might."
I like how you put that. I
I like how you put that. I was trying to be tactful but DH still thought I was being rude and overly sensitive. I told him "do you think she thought about my feelings because I was the one sitting right there?" Then he says she obviously wasn't thinking and she's just a kid.
I like sd. I really do, but I know that she'll have a hard time in the real world if no one tells her that just saying whatever you want doesn't get you anywhere. It wasn't "cute" like when she was 5. And that's the problem. No one taught her that she needs to start growing up.
I think it would be fine to
I think it would be fine to say.."I know she is just a kid, but she isn't 5 any more and she is old enough to learn that speaking out of turn can hurt people's feelings and that can lose friends and make it harder for her to get along in the world."
To be honest, if you have an ok relationship with her then I might have that conversation with her directly.
"I just wanted to talk about the question you asked your dad last week about since your mom was nice to..... I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but what happened between your parents is in the past and while it's natural for you to be curious, there is a time and a place to bring things like that up. It is something that is better discussed between you and your parents in private. It was definitely not something that should be discussed in front of company. You wouldn't want us to discuss your private business in front of your friends would you?
This is always how I approach
This is always how I approach things. IE teaching table manners... "I know she's just a kid but she's going to have trouble getting invited back to friend's houses if she complains about the food their mom makes." and so on. Everything is addressed with how it'll impact her socially in the future.
BM over here told OSS that
BM over here told OSS that his father cheated on him and that is why he left so he thinks that his father is a POS and was horrible to his mother. Wait until he finds out the truth behind why DH left.