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Update post

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 8:37am

Bosses are out of office and it is Friday before a long weekend, figured I would post an update for those who have supported me here.

EX and I are still living under the same roof but all of my belongings are cleared out from our bedroom and I am sleepingin skids room. They are gone until Tuesday.

I called the apartment that I filled out an application for... and of course the woman processing it is out until Tuesday... but they told me I am first in line for the apartment and I will hear from them Tuesday. My credit is still good (amazingly enough) and as long as our current landlord doesn't throw me under the bus - I should get the place. I told the woman at the new apartment that EX handles rent and to take that into consideration when calling the landlord for a reference.

EX is being vicious and rude to me. He slept the entire time his kids were there, leaving the house in squalor, but the last couple of days he has been cleaning and up early (to what illicit drug do we owe this pleasure?) He came into my room last night and demanded I put my dishes in the dishwasher. I told him to fck off and get out... to which he responded "good luck getting any money from me." Very classy man... drove my car for 2 years and bummed money off of me every chance he got, but when it comes time to help me out, forget it. But still...I am thankful beyond measure that we always kept everything separate (not that he had anything) and have no assets or kids. I am thrilled, actually.

The pain hits me in waves. I sob when I think about SD because I know she will be lost without me while at dads. While he slept and neglected us (and SS had his video games), SD and I had the most epic adventures together. Playgrounds, breakfast dates, shopping, walks by the water, arts and crafts, movies and chocolate chips, pool days, our evening exercises, oh, the list goes on. I made more memories with her in a month than EX did her entire life. I will love her forever and will grieve for the loss of the closest thing I ever had to a daughter.

Then I cry about my dog (we have 2). Ex is determined to keep our male dog, kids will miss him so much if I take him. I still haven't decided what to do with that. The man is an addict who can't take care of anything adequately... but at the same time, the dog is his sidekick and he takes him everywhere. I am keeping the little high maintenance dog because she wouldn't last a week with EX. Everyone tells me to cut my losses with the other dog, that EX will need a friend because the pain will eventually hit him, etc. I am just going to miss my sweet boy so much, my handsome baby, I just want him to have the best life.....

That is the extent of my grief. Kids and dogs. I feel mostly anger and hatred towards EX. Maybe the pain of losing him will hit me later.

The emotions are a rollercoaster. At times, I feel really happy. Like happier than I have felt in years. When I picture my TINY future apartment with my pup, my wine. Organized and quiet. Peaceful. Finally...

I talked to my therapist and we decided I cannot date anyone exclusively for 6 months to a year. She said a lot of people in my situation will turn to a new man for comfort, but I need to work on myself. Sounds like the smart thing to do. I have to figure out why I ignored red flags and settled down with an evil person. I never want to make this mistake again.

I was, however, invited out tonight on a plane ride by a (nice, polite, successful, polished) guy I went to school with and haven't seen in years and years. After much deliberation, I decided I am going to go for it. When a man invites you on his plane................. you go. No reason we can't be friends.

So in conclusion........... my new adventure is beginning. I am beyond lost, my clothes are boxed and/or strewn everywhere, I still have a ton to pack, I do not know how I will afford living on my own and even eating a meal is a struggle - no appetite whatsoever. But my heart is lighter, I have little bursts of excitement and I think I am going to somehow make it.

Comments

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 8:44am

I wish you all the best. You'll get through this and you'll be better off for it all. ((hugs))

moving_on_again's picture

Submitted by moving_on_again on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 8:57am

Ajanie - I am a stress non-eater, too. Be careful. Protein shakes always help me.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 9:05am

You ARE going to make it, Janie.

The not dating exclusively is to keep you from being co-dependent and to depend on yourself. When you know that you can do that, you can pick the man you deserve, instead of just falling in with anyone, and putting up with anything, so that you are not alone. Once you are REALLY okay with being alone and on your own, you don't have to settle because you know that you can be happy with just yourself, until you meet the right guy.

The pain of losing him will hit you later but remember, he's not the person you thought he was or thought he could be. I'm sure you've been plenty lonely in your relationship with him. Stay mad for now, if that keeps you strong.

Even though it's the right thing to do and for all the right reasons, this is never easy.

We are here for you.

Just J's picture

Submitted by Just J on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 9:43am

Good luck AJanie, you got this! When I left my ex I was so broke and had to borrow money for the deposit on my new place, but once the initial moving expenses were done and I got paid again I was ok. Once my ex stopped sucking money out of me (we had separate finances too but of course what was mine was his, according to him at least), it was all good. And it will be for you too! Hugs!

Jlbfinch's picture

Submitted by Jlbfinch on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 9:54am

I know it sucks but you have to remember how much of a jerk he's being bc once he blows through all his money you know he'll be begging you back. That is when you will need to stay strong!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 10:20am

Wishing you the very best, AJ. You've been through hell and certainly deserve it. Be gentle with yourself. You gave it your all. Now is the time to concentrate on loving yourself and becoming the best you can be. {{{{{HUGS}}}}

It doesn't matter if you're no longer a SM. You've been in the trenches with the rest of us. We're still here to support you. xoxo

queensway's picture

Submitted by queensway on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 10:23am

Believe in yourself. Tell yourself all those things I have always wanted to do, now I can do them. No one can hold me back because I am making the change I need to move on. You are in charge of your new chapter.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 10:30am

Good for you girl! Hopefully you will get into that new apartment soon.

I know it's hard. Also, really try to adhere to the therapist's advice about not getting coupled up right away.

Though... I hate to say this but I had a BF who was much like yours except you can add that he was physically abusive and stole from me. I broke up with him and met a guy literally the weekend I kicked him out. It was a set up from parents of a friend of mine. I figured I was picking crappy guys.. let someone else have a go at it.

I did see him, but told him immediately I was NOT interested in a serious relationship. I told him that I needed time and space. I even told him that I really didn't think he was my type. He was just such a pushover on things.. anything I wanted to do was "fine with him".

Whelp.. we just had our 11 year anniversary and 14 years since we met...lol.

I did resist a serious relationship... I put it off and put him on hold several times, but he was just there not pushy but patiently waiting for me to get over whatever. Ultimately I figured out I was a fool to pass on a guy that would let me be the princess haha. So, I guess he just grew on me. He did crazy things like indulge my "crazy chicken fantasy" (turned a stall into a coop in one day and filled it with hens and a rooster!). Things like that told me that he listened to me and cared about what I wanted in life. Soooooo.... there you are.

I'm not saying that Mr. Plane ride is the one... definitely try your best to not get too enmeshed right away.. but then again, who knows!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 11:32am

he was just there not pushy but patiently waiting for me to get over whatever.

Because he respected you.

I was not coming off of a relationship when I started dating my DH but I still wanted to take it slow. Every "rule" I gave him (don't call me everyday, give me my space, no sex, blah, blah, blah) he respected. Every other guy just expected me to be okay with them doing whatever.

It's a whole different ballgame (relationship) when you demand respect...and get it.

5became1's picture

Submitted by 5became1 on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 10:38am

Hey AJ, in the famous words of the late Bob Marley- Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.

You just keep your head up and focus on what you have to do for yourself. Thank God its just you and your dog that you have to deal with. You are gonna make it on your own. Just put one foot in front of the other....you can do it, and you will be just fine. Peace of mind is priceless.

Redsonya's picture

Submitted by Redsonya on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 12:37pm

I am so proud of you! Ex is very likely going through some form of withdrawal right now. The anxiety and stress combined with denial of his actions will make him act like a complete asshole, but in a couple days he will hit the realization of what he has done and likely promise you the world to keep you. DON'T FALL FOR IT. I was sucked in a dozen times before my ex hung himself in my house. I should have left the first year we were together.

Take that year for yourself. You will have times of fear and lonliness. Ride them out. You will eventually be back to yourself - strong, happy, and making exciting new plans for yourself. I am at the end of that time myself and I feel amazing. You can do this!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 09/01/2017 - 1:11pm

Definitely what Redsonya said. Do NOT fall for any of his attempts to promise change to lure you back. He's had many, MANY chances.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 09/04/2017 - 2:45am

AJ Hon, you will get through this , simply wait till you have the new flat, then pack up your stuff and leave, dang take both dogs with you, make sure he's not there when you do... this man is so zonged out it will take awhile before he realize the dog is missing.

Then simply tell SD you are sorry but this is it, advice her not to visit if you have to but cut ties with her Hon, at least for 3-5 months cause she will keep you captured in the past and you are going forward.

hang in there it gets easier with time and yes, make friends enjoy life but wait for a serious relationship again