Skids birthdays and my sister.
My family has really excepted not only my boyfriend but his kids too. So far it's not been anything extreme. However my sister has kind of overstepped a bit and we're worried.
My nephew's birthday is the week inbetween the kid's. It goes SO's son (M), nephew, SO's daughter (A). The kids are 4, 2, and 7 respectively. So my sister thinking she's being nice and helpful set up my nephews birthday but then added M to it also as a second birthday kid. The party isn't anything big BUT my future brother in law has alot of family. Her adding M feels odd. It's the same weekend we have the kids for his birthday and we would be going to the party but now she's said we will be there for M's also. So I feel she's made it odd for BIL's family too. Now all these people feel pressured to get M presents and make him equal to my nephew. They haven't even met SO.
Besides that now M will be getting much more than A. Not that they have to be perfectly equal but there's no way we can begin to make it fair. M gets a party with way more "family". He gets more presents and they have a rental style bounce house since they are great grandparents.
A's birthday the following visitation will be at my mom's with a total of 4 kids 6 adults. My parents might get her a small gift each and who knows what my sister will get. She has already gotten M atleast 2 outfits and two movies. We do plan to go do something small also like bowling but still.
I feel my sister is going way overboard. She's putting us in an odd spot with people who barely know me and shouldn't feel pressured to do anything for these kids. She's also getting way more presents then we feel the kids need. She's coming from a good place though. I know she just wants the kids to feel welcome but ugh.
She's coming to visit this weekend. I had asked her not to make any plans till we talked but she's already posted the event and I have no clue what to say. My mom's unsure also. We don't want to be rude but ontop of that SO is upset because she's taken the party out if our hands.
My family knows my intent is to marry this man. It's fine that they want the kids to feel invovled. We like getting together so they can all play but this isn't a 10 dollar Christmas present. My family and extended family are very welcoming. No one gets left out or ignored. Friends become family but I think she's going to far.
What do I say this weekend? How do we apporch the people who have already been told by her? I went on the page and did my best damage control but how do you tell people their generosity is too much.
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Your BIL's family should not
Your BIL's family should not feel pressured or expected to provide gifts for your SKs.
Let your sister know you all are looking forward to celebrating with them, but you don't want her inlaws to give the kids gifts.
I told her I didn't feel
I told her I didn't feel right her even mentioning future skid's birthday. We were planning on going and bringing a gift for my nephew. That felt fine. We were figuring out what exactly what to do for M. Thought maybe we could go skating after or something. Bring his presents and it would be fine.
They know nothing is expected. I tried to do damage control but I know these people will still get him something no matter what I say.
You could've told her no
You could've told her no thank you...
My sister is very headstrong.
My sister is very headstrong. I told her not to the best I could without being rude. I'll try again this weekend. It's difficult because we will be going to the party either way because I don't want to miss my nephews birthday and the kids like playing together. I don't feel us being there is an issue since birthday parties do have a way of bringing people together.
With her having already announced it despite my very clear request she not/ wait till we had a chance to talk I'm not sure how to proceed on that end. She put an event on face book "Nephew and M's" birthday. People have already 'RSVP'.
I do not want to miss my
I do not want to miss my nephews brithday. I feel that is not acceptable and would cause large issues.
Sorry sis I won't be there because you tried to be nice and include my future step son.
That's gonna go over really well.
It might just be that I'm the only one that goes and SO / kids don't. Which that sucks too. I know then I will get asked why the kids weren't allowed to come.
She's put me in this spot. She needs to fix it. She can contact what is essentially her family and tell them something along the lines of "I'm sorry I realize I put you guys in an odd spot. I don't feel that was fair of you or the kids. Let's just make this nephews birthday."
Go to the party alone. While
Go to the party alone. While you're at the party, dad can take his kids to the park.
They do not HAVE to attend every party they are invited to.
The worst thing I see here is
The worst thing I see here is that your SD who is not far off in age from her brother and has a birthday just a week later is not going to be recognized and at 7 years old, she is old enough to know the difference.
Beyond that, you are likely to find most people will adjust their gift giving accordingly by either getting two nice gifts if they are generous and can afford it or will budget down a bit. At that age, a lot of stuff can be purchased that isn't too expensive anyway.
In fact, I just saw an article about a "fiver" party where everyone just brings 5$ and then the money gets pooled into something for the child or donated.. or saved for college etc... I know it's a bit crass to ask for money, but honestly, it would really let a lot of people off the hook. lol.
I might approach sis with the situation with the other child and tell her that you appreciate her generosity, but that OSD is also having a birthday the next week and you worry that including her brother in the nephews will make her feel left out. What would her solution be? Remove YSS? Add OSD?
That was something I pointed
That was something I pointed out and her response was something to the effect that they were going to take care of that too. It is part of my major issue with this.
She's suppose to be visiting tonight and hopefully we can sit down and talk. Hopefully with both my mom and I she can understand that she's overstepping. If just for the fact that she's not letting SO decide how he wants to handle the birthdays.
When we talked about this she also went on to say she was going to get the kids tablets which I was very clear we did not want them to have. It was so much over a phone call that I left it with. Don't do anything, let's talk next time you visit.
I think the party for the
I think the party for the boys makes it more difficult with the little girl. And that is the reason I would give. M, then nephew , then A. Boy's having a joint 'family' shindig and the little girl left out.
This is your sister's party for her son, your nephew. As it should be. You can do a joint party of cake and ice cream for M and A and invite who ever you and SO please. Even nephew. M wouldn't be getting any more presents than A, no one invited Nephew's would feel obligated to bring presents for M. All the kids can attend nephew's party and fun , but I don't think your sister thought this out.
Imagine how poorly these all but strangers will feel when they get to a joint party for nephew and M and find out A's is right next and no one knew or bought anything for her.
Yes, I realize life isn't fair and no everyone is going to get treated to the same things and all that other jaw jackin'...but how do you decide which one or two to be more celebration worthy in a big group way and which child gets the much smaller and private affair.
A is seven. Explain to her all about how M got acknowledged and included in strangers party but A's is a week later so 'no'. Not.
It actually doesn't sound as if anyone consulted with Dad either.
Your skids can understand being invited to a party. They can grasp taking a present to the party boy. But are they going to understand how M was selected and not A?
Just tell sister, thanks but this year Dad wants to do something a bit smaller and include both his children in his own planned idea or do something small of each of his children one at a time. Your sister can very tactically post she oops'd, that she sent out the party announcement before realizing Dad already had planned something for his two children. That So is looking forward to meeting them all and getting to know everybody and he thanks them for thinking of his son. Now let's get that party on for Nephew and we hope to see you all there.
ETA.. well that's what I get for not refreshing my page when I came and sat back down. I see my concern about the little girl was already addressed by another poster. Sorry for repeating.
She contacted me very happy
She contacted me very happy about it. I told her we needed to sit down and talk in person because it was too much to discuss through a phone call. She then went head and did it.
I told her we couldn't even be sure we had the kids that weekend. She posted it and when I said we still didn't know she said "that's the only weekend they can do it for nephew." She hasn't throught this through completely at all. M is an after thought.
How does your sister even
How does your sister even know when skids birthdays are. You haven't even been a year with your BF, they already want to celebrate his kids birthdays? I'd tell her we have other plans. End of story. I know your family do it out of goodness if their heart but they sound too eager for you to settle. It's not even long term relationship yet! Are you formally engaged? What the heck. I understand if you've been together for very long, otherwise it's crazy making.
We've been together over a
We've been together over a year. Why wouldn't my family know when the kids birthdays are? Even if they hadn't met them yet they know these kids are important to me and are trying to support me.
We were talking about having a small party for them with my close family. You know cake and ice cream at the park. Me, SO, his kids, my mom / dad, sister / BIL and her two small kids. I don't feel that's unreasonable. My mom's looking at getting SO's daughter a 10 dollar Barbie which I made clear she didn't have to do.
My sister thinks she's being nice but she's going over board.
I understand that a year
I understand that a year could be enough to get serious and blend, we were engaged in 7 months, it happens. But your circumstances are different. We were free. Your SO isn't free.
You said you were getting married, but are you actually engaged? Frankly you can't be. He is still married.
I don't believe it's appropriate to blend families if your boyfriend is still married to someone else. I find it tacky. And unreasonable. That's why I said these birthday celebrations are uncalled for. I personally wouldn't introduce a man to my family if he is still married. Let alone involve my family in celebrations of their birthday. What's the rush?
I understand he rushed to move in due to circumstances/no place to live but why do all this. I'd honestly tell my sister, I am waiting for his divorce to be final.