A couple of months ago I started feeling sick all the time. I went to doctors and they've found some confusing scary stuff. It all boils down to a genetic disorder that is causing some congenital heart problems and other issues. It's incurable, but progresses slowly. It has even caused 2 brain lesions that looked like cancer but they are pretty sure are not cancer. Fingers crossed.

My DH is having a hard time, as am I. But in our own ways, each of us.

He is trying to run the household like a military drill sergeant, creating schedules and spreadsheets. I am trying to come to terms with my new normal, sometimes pushing myself too hard and paying for it and other times taking it too easy, sometimes getting bored. The doctors are saying I may never be able to work full time again and open heart surgery may be in my future.

His son still rarely comes around, but when he does it's filled with drama. Demands for a car, dramatic statements about "not having had much in his life" and statements about him being just like BM and nothing like DH. Aka constant rejection and PAS.

BM got married to her prison penpal boyfriend and is in a total emotional spiral because he was denied parole again. For a little while BM was texting my DH trying to convince him she needed more money for SS because he's a teenager and she can't afford a car for him and every teenager deserves a car... and her husband can't work right now (because he's in prison for trying to kill his last wife and mother of his child). My DH told her strategically that I am no longer working and there is no money sitting around for a car for SS. He offered if she wants to contribute 1/3, SS earn 1/3 and DH will give 1/3 he will go for that, up to a certain amount. BM declined because there's no way her child is going to drive a USED car.

Now that DH has made it clear that there's no extra money in our household, suddenly SS has ZERO interest in DH anymore.

I resent this child SO much. Child support leaves this house at a rate of more than $1200 a month plus health insurance for ONE child and he constantly complains that my DH doesn't do enough for him, he doesn't "have much in his life" (materially, but he says he always has the joy of BM's unconditional love -- he actually uses words like this), he needs a new computer, new clothes, new shoes, new games and money for trips with friends. He does not have a job, claimed he would get one this summer but has spent it playing video games and eating cheetos instead. He is a kid who expects the world handed to him and then complains when things are "hard".

We offered him a trip abroad to visit family in Europe. All he had to do was send a copy of his state ID to get an updated passport. This was a year ago. A half dozen reminders. He never sent it, the deadline expired. Still no passport. He complains he doesn't get to travel anymore... no, you won't even lift a finger to get yourself a passport that we paid for and lost the application fee for because you didn't send the document they requested. We won't pay for another one. He is just like BM.

It would be one thing if he cared about his father, my DH, but he really ONLY sees him as a means to money. I see it more clearly now than I ever did before and so does my DH. I find it disgusting and wrong. My DH is seeing it himself, finally, and feels ashamed of his child. He is pulling back sharply from his child, who really only seems to want a relationship with his father if money is part of the equation.

We have eleven months of child support left and I suspect the relationship will distance even more.

What do you do? Do you entice the child back with money? Do you wait for them to hopefully develop some morals and value DH for who he is, not for money? Do you accept that this apple fell right next to the BM and GBM tree (they are both highly materialistic and money-focused and PASed out this kid by about age 7) and just accept it?

I hate seeing my DH hurt like this when he recognizes who his child is. He does not know how to fix it. Parenting isn't his strong suit, I know that. He has made great progress, but it just doesn't come naturally to him. And it would have taken a team a parenting experts to counteract the dynamic that was put in place early on between BM, GBM and SS. BM has been diagnosed as BPD when they were married 15 years ago; GBM was diagnosed and treated as NPD and BPD. They are quite skilled at all of this. At some point the child is lost to the dynamic and the cycle repeats.

This is the same BM who threw a fit a few years ago when DH went in for surgery. She had a histrionic fit on the phone about his life insurance, as I am the beneficiary. "Don't you want your son to have a nice house? I always take care of him. I should be the beneficiary and I will take care of him if you leave me your life insurance." Crazy lady.

He came home from work that day and changed the small policy he had with SS17 named on it to a trust with a 3rd party as trustee for SS17 so she would never get a chance to touch it.

How do you deal with stepkids when they become as toxic and moneygrubbing as the BMs and they are almost young adults? Just turn away and shrug?

My kids disappoint me at times, but I know they are good people. They make poor choices. My nieces, nephews, even close friends' kids that I mentor -- they make bad choices. Very few children cause this kind of reaction in me, but this child does. And he happens to be my DH's child. How do I live with this?