Custody Question
Sooo... my hubby is trying to get custody of his 12 yr old son and while it concerns me a little, I mostly do not have a problem with him moving in. My only concerns are that we set up some house rules for everyone and figure out the parenting our own kids issues, as well as how the little sister would take it. This post is merely to find out a few opinions on whether or not it may happen. We have a decent 3 bedroom house, one of which would be his. We both work reliable jobs and no criminal records. My hsb doesnt want to shut the mother out, she will have similar visitation that he enjoys now. He has consulted a lawyer and is going to retain him next week.
My Step son has been asking his dad to move in for the past 2 years. He is almost 13 and in TX (where we live) he can apparently have a say in that at the age of 12. He has always been extremely close with his dad and tensions with his mother and himself have been high. I believe these 2 things led him to want to move in with us. As a bit of background, he has told us that she shouts and screams at him, she's hit him a few times, and he told us she tried to choke him. (Which we called CPS for and she was smacked on the wrist for over disciplining him). Cant really blame the kid for wanting to leave (IMO). He says we dont shout at him and we ask him nicely to do things, plus he is not constantly grounded. (I know its different visiting compared to living somewhere and I also know what he tells us is emotionally charged or possibly even described as worse than it is because he is a kid). We never once asked him to move in with us, so there's definitely no coersion.
Has anyone has any experience with this type of situation? I wonder how often dads get their sons? How will this affect the child support? My hsb says he will understand if the decision doesnt go his way, but I cant help thinking he will be heartbroken, my step son too. I've been trying to be diplomatic and ask "what if it doesnt happen?" without sounding like a naysayer 
Thanks ahead of time for any replies.
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What's the longest visit
What's the longest visit you've had? Because it's nothing like when they live with you full-time. I married DH 2 years after he got custody in a diff state that has the same age where kids can speak in court. So far for me it's been a wild ride ... which I am both grateful for but also in emotional pain over. The polite, sweet kid who used to visit is, at 17, still sweet and can be polite, but is not unscathed from the decade+ his BM had him full time. SS's 1st week in school, found out his disrespect for authority (thank you BM for modeling THAT life skill) exists, and that was the kick-off to many calls & emails from teachers. And do on... recommend you type up house & family rules that you & hubby agree to and uniformly and consistently enforce. Let SS know that whatever the situation he's leaving is like, these are the rules at your house. Your partner needs to be the one both delivering and enforcing those rules - the boundaries WILL be tested.
Hes stayed with us for the
Hes stayed with us for the summer, so about 5 weeks in total. He is given a daily chore or two and is pretty good about doing them, sometimes a reminder is necessarty. Yes, I can see a similarity with my step son, he is very polite and sweet and helpful, but reports from home are obviously, completely different. I also know it will be different if its full time. It always is. I'm not thinking it will be. I'm not expecting perfection
Sorry that your experience has been painful, I truly hope to avoid as much of that as possible. Hence why I am posting here to get different view points and stories. Thanks so much for the thoughts.
My XSIL lost custody of both
My XSIL lost custody of both of he children when her BS, who was oldest of the two children, wanted to live with his dad. The court would not split them up so both children went to live with dad. Not saying that would happen in this case but you never know.
Why doesn't your DH try and talk with BM and come to an agreement which works out for both of them and then agree to a change in custody. If BM is having such a hard time with BS, she may be all for it. At least try that before getting an attorney and the mud slinging starts.
He already went down this
He already went down this road and my husband sat down with her and asked her to consider it. She pretty much ignored it and wouldnt respond. Then my step son wanted to continue trying to make it happen and thats why my hsb got the lawyer. Hes given her a few weeks now and thinks it was plenty of time to think about it and come back with a response at the very least.
Soooooo where will the best
Soooooo where will the best run to once your house is no longer the fun house?
What parent out there had never yelled at a preteen/teen kid???? If he is constantly misbehaving, then he should be getting grounded.
I find it interesting that this move is all based on the words of a kid who has a motive. Not once did you say that mom was unfit or that kid isn't safe in her home.
Well the only reason for a
Well the only reason for a kid to live with his dad shouldnt just be because hes getting abused at home. There are other factors to it in my opinion.
Also we are not in her home to see what is and what isnt going on. What other choice is there but listen to what the kid is saying? We dont blindly believe everything that comes out of his mouth, neither of us are that naive. We've sent CPS twice. Its been recorded. At that point what can you do? You cant go set up webcams to record in someone else's home, thats a bit ridiculous and probably illegal.
This is all based on what the
This is all based on what the kid is saying. The OP and her husband have zero evidence of the mother being an unfit parent.
We arent trying to prove she
We arent trying to prove she is unfit (at least not at this point) Lets make that clear.
My step son asked to live with us, and my hubby is trying to make that happen. The lawyer doesnt intend on using the CPS argument.
It's not more "fun" at our
It's not more "fun" at our house, honestly, from a kids perspective, its probably more "fun" at the mother's simply because we just dont have a lot of money to go out to the movies and do vacations etc, she does more of that most likely, she also has more TIME to do those things
He has told us we are more respectful and nicer about it when we ask him to do chores and behave at home etc. He has been grounded at our house and there are rules and consequences.
A few suggestions BEFORE skid
A few suggestions BEFORE skid moves in:
1) Ping ponging between homes is common with CODs, so make skid commit to a set minimum length of residence e.g. one school year. Leaving sooner means no moving back.
2) With your DH, draw up a SPECIFIC list of rules, chores and expectations for all children living in your home. Show it to skid. If he doesn't agree to follow it, he doesn't move in.
3) Review your and DH's financial contribution to the household and revise based on the addition of his child.
4) Insist that BM pay support. Too many men cavil at holding their exes financially responsible but have no problem with SM helping to support skids. This can breed BIG resentment.
5) Discuss long term financial costs associated with kids/teens. Health insurance? Braces? Car and insurance? College? Don't leave any of this to chance!
A lot of divorced parents become overly focused on winning the custody popularity contest but are conveniently vague about the details of having a kid (and one with behavioral problems at that) living with them full time. Don't become overly invested in winning, and don't be surprised if skidly causes a lot of upheaval and then runs back to momma. This is all too common as well.
Awesome list, thanks so much
Awesome list, thanks so much for suggestions! I will go over all of this with the hubby and see what comes of it.
I agree 100% on the child support. He is talking to his lawyer today, so we will see soon how she reacts to the papers. :-S
Thank you. Lawyer visit is
Thank you. Lawyer visit is today, fingers crossed! ON previous visit thiugh, the lawyer seemed very hopeful!
Sadly, it is the next school
Sadly, it is the next school disctrict over, so I am sure that will have a negative affect.
We knew going in that the judge ultimately decides, so we arent going in thinking this will definitely happen. My husband just feels that he needs to fight for his son, especially since he has been asking for this for two years, whether or not it actually happens. The step son is aware of this possibility, and he still wants to try. He wants his son to know he tried all that he could.
I like the 50/50 idea, I will pose that to him. Thanks!