DH and his Guilt Issues.

Well this is probably just a vent. Maybe some of you can relate to the Daddy Guilt Boundary Problem (DGBP)?

First of all- BM took SD9.5 on a 9 day road trip that included Father's Day (even though the CO says he gets Father's Day and she gets Mother's Day) and DH didn't contest it. So SD9.5 was gone with her mom until last evening. The day before her trip when she was with us, I gently reminded SD to make a Father's Day card for him, since she wouldn't see him over the actual day. She said, "okay!" and didn't do it. She called him on Father's Day which was nice but then came home yesterday empty-handed. Kind of weird. She made me a card for Mother's Day(?) I know he probably had something to do with that, but still... and btw- I would NEVER ask for a thing from her for Mother's Day. I guess I was disappointed to see how little effort she put in for her dad. He treats her like a Princess and always has.

Meanwhile, DH and I are both runners. With two little kids at home (DD2.5 and DS1.5) we've had more trouble getting out for runs- so I found us a treadmill on Craigslist- and had it delivered yesterday while I was working. It's nice, practically new, kind of industrial strength- etc- rather expensive as these things can be, and it's set up in my basement office where the other exercise things are. DH had no part in helping me with this project, but he's super stoked about it.

I was out for a walk last evening and when I come back he tells me- "The treadmill is really nice! I showed it to SD. I said to her, Now, it's not a toy, but if you want to use it sometimes you can. It's okay- just come try it out, so you can get into running maybe."

And I was like, um, great... we've had this for 1 day and she's already got the green light on it? (I'm picturing her and her 9 yr old friends coming in my office stomping on the treadmill pushing buttons.)

Then I reminded DH kids aren't supposed to use gym equipment until they're 14 or 16 years old because of injuries. He was like "oh, I didn't realize that." And I mention how I didn't buy the treadmill for the 3 of us and can't something be just the two of ours? This purchase didn't have anything to do with SD. She already has free reign of our bedroom and bathroom, (every morning she comes into the bathroom where I'm getting dressed, she never knocks. He never tells her to knock and he never keeps the door closed once he comes in to say goodbye to me- it drives me insane- she follows him wherever he goes and everything is accessible to her, and he's never tried to change this because he seems to feel guilty shutting a door on her at all). Not everything needs to be be accessible to her.

He got mad and defensive- "Oh, so we have to fight about it now, because it's about SD." And then he said, "ANYWAY- I didn't tell her she could use it. I said it wasn't a toy." - uh, okay? "DH, you just said you told her to use it."

So on this went and he denied that he offered it up, and denied that this has anything to do with boundaries. Which it totally does! It's just a treadmill but it's sort of a bigger issue...

And though my SD is a nice kid, his DGBP at the heart of my disdain for Stepmotherhood. It's just a weird and intrusive and kind of gross arrangement to me. It's like a bizarre emotional threesome sometimes. I know DH is just trying to be a good dad- but I think his guilt makes him lose all sight of appropriate adult/kid boundaries. He seems perpetually confused as to how old she is. He praises her for doing things a 5 or 6 year old should do, and then offers her entry into every adult conversation and activity we do when she's here. He acts like he can't exclude her from anything, even normal adult stuff. I don't know if I'm asking for answers here or if there are any as long as DH doesn't really get it.
Ah, Summertime with skids... everyone enjoying it as much as I am already?

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I totally feel this way too.

I totally feel this way too. And my DH loves impressing SD with cool stuff. I feel like he loves telling her we bought some new thing for the house or family or that we're going on a trip- anything she can report back to BM about with a brag.

I've known SD since she was so little (3) there's a familiarity piece that I think is now expected. I used to give this little girl her nightly baths etc. She and I've changed clothes together plenty of times in the locker room at the pool, etc, when she was younger. And she still likes to take baths with the little ones so totally has no shame in being naked in front of me or DH. (she's a young 9.)
It feels hard for me to explain it exactly that I don't mind if my 2 yr old comes in while I'm changing/naked/peeing but I do mind that a 9.5 yr old who isn't my biological kid does. Meh.

First - Get a lock for your

First - Get a lock for your bathroom door. My SD8 doesn't knock either. She won't barge in if she KNOWS I'm in there, but has barged in on me when she thought I wasn't. I love my lock. It lets me pee in peace (I also have little ones who barge in when they think I'm taking too long).

I'd also get some kind of lock for your basement/office.

And yeah, let SD use the treadmill. Make her run a mile. If she's anything like my SD8, she'll never want to use it again after that haha.

Right? Not that I should be

Right? Not that I should be surprised. We've been together 5 years and he's been like this the whole time. And the more we share happy times in her absence (Father's Day was really nice, despite her being at her mom's) or good memories with the little ones the worse the guilt gets for him, I think. I understand but what can I do? We just spoil her and let her run the roost?

OMG, my skids are starers,

OMG, my skids are starers, too! It's the creepiest!

SD follows me around and

SD follows me around and tries to get me to look at everything she does. Thank GoD She doesn't stare like that... though I do think she spies on me sometimes, dunno what that's all about. I try not to think about her reports back to Bm on the size of my boobs or butt or whatever.

I'm relatively disengaged too- though I don't want to be too much if it means she and I grow apart and have problems in the future. I've known her since she was 3 and so far, she's always said and acted like she loves me. That seems precious. I don't want to become a negative figure in her life.

My survival has hinged on mostly trying to defer to however DH wants to parent her, not be a parent to her at all basically, and focus on my little ones and myself. That's how this bathroom nonsense got out of control. My husband thinks it's fine for her to play in our room, come int he bathroom whenever and therefore he always thwarts me when I close the door.

It's gotten to where she is so accustomed to everything being communal, it would completely shock her if I said, "please get out of here, you are almost 10, and I would like privacy." She'd probably break down into tears and think I don't love her anymore. But I think I need to come up with a more direct way to implement some boundaries...

I know what you mean about

I know what you mean about the pitfalls of engagement. I've been there- I used to do a lot for her- I even cut back my work hours to be there to pick her up from school on our days (50%). Over time I've slowly taken myself out of the equation more and more- because I was being walked on by DH/BM/SD and resentful and wondering if divorce would be better... So for me, not parenting and not disciplining and just basically being nice and worrying about myself is what works best.

And- you're right. The pedestal is dangerous.
SD is the kind of child who cries and sobs if you criticize her at all. She needs constant praise and affirmation. I mean like, if she's rude or sneaks something she shouldn't, or lies, or doesn't do what she's supposed to do (normal kid fouls) - and then you scold her and tell her it's not okay and she loses privileges, she sobs and falls apart. I think it's actually super manipulative at this point. She always ends up being hugged and consoled in these situations.

Can't want until she's 12 or 13 and she wants to kill herself because we are disappointed in her for lying about something stupid. That'll be awesome.

LoL. Or she'll become

LoL. Or she'll become entitled and expect everyone to do everything for her. Living the life here let me tell you!

When DH and I purchased our

When DH and I purchased our house, we talked about getting a treadmill. Later that same day I heard him telling skids about it and giving them permission to use it.

I'm not buying a treadmill now.

Not cool of your DH. You should put up some boundaries regarding your personal space (bedroom and bathroom) as well as items you purchase for yourself (treadmill).

Is this DH's house that you moved into or your joint home?

Joint home. I refused to

Joint home.

I refused to sell my home to move into his crappy rental home he shared with SD- it was not a cute house. Also, it was like a shrine to a preschooler. He loves and adores her - I get it, and appreciate that about him - but the decor in that home was exclusively giant framed pics of SD and Disney.

He acted like this when we were house-hunting. At one point we were looking at a new-build home, and had some blueprints on the table -and SD was like 5.5 at the time- and DH let her start picking out off the blueprints which room would be hers. She chose this huge 2nd master suite upstairs in it's own loft, the kind meant for guests/in-laws etc. I was like, Um... 5 year olds don't get say in decisions like this! But my DH, he was beaming... He thought that was so cute of her to stake her claim. It wasn't the house we ended up getting - similar to your treadmill reaction, I was kind of like, Okay! Let's keep shopping then.

She did claim the bigger/prettier spare bedroom in our current home though, and now she has that to herself while our two little ones are sharing the smaller spare bedroom. Because, Princess.

Because my husband doesnt

Because my husband doesnt think SD should be put out by the little ones' presence - and because she's older and she was here first and that's always been her room. He doesn't want her to share.

There's a spare bedroom and bathroom in our basement - but SD is a needy kid who hates being alone. She won't even brush her teeth in her room/bathroom alone, but comes out and walks around and watches tv in the living room while she does it (drives me crazy.) My husband doesn't think moving her downstairs is appropriate yet (but I'm positive that when she turns 14 or 15, he'll suggest we make that basement room her own private apartment and pimp it out for her.) It's not safe really to put the babies down there yet/too far away/too young. And the idea of people being on 3 levels in case of fire is just unsettling...

For the sake of my marriage and his preferences I haven't fought him on this. But having two toddlers share a room isn't successful either. Our son is currently sleeping in our walk-in closet in a Pack n Play, because DD has nightmares and wakes him up.

In the meantime I haven't been able to come up with a solution that doesn't increase DH's guilt and/or make me look like I don't care about SD's comfort or feelings. So this.... /:

Got it. I asked because DH

Got it. I asked because DH was much more over the top Disney Dad when it was "his and skids" apartment compared to when we moved into an "ours" house.

My very first rule in the new house...NO SKIDS in my bedroom. Had a few fights about this before he got the point.

House hunting with kids sucks. My DH did the same thing with skids when we were house hunting. I stopping making plans with the realtor on days we had them.

Honestly, I wouldn't give a

Honestly, I wouldn't give a rip whether my husband told the kid to stay out of my bathroom or bedroom. Because I would have NO problem whatsoever telling the kid that she is to KNOCK before entering.

Dad doesn't tell her to get out? I will do it. "I'm getting dressed SD, you need to leave. We will see you in the kitchen".

The treadmill? Well, he was half right. Tell her it's not a toy and she is not to play on it. period.

If he for some reason wants her to get interested in running, he can take her out for daddy daughter jogs. I can't imagine a treadmill would inspire a kid to a life of running.. how boring.

If you want to talk to your Dad you can call him, but these 3 spaces are off limits to you, you are not a baby anymore...

Then if you do catch her in your room/bathroom or office, get all over DH's ass for allowing it,