You need to make an agreement. A "no fly zone" so to speak. When you are on a date.. or trying to enjoy some together time. Neither of you can speak about bad stuff like EXES or crappy bosses or frustrations with kids. This should be time for you to recharge as a couple.

He also needs to figure out how vent to someone/somewhere else. Is what he is telling you helping anything or is he just looking to commiserate with you? Yes, you need to know about impending doom, but you don't need to be privy to every snit or snide mark she throws out.

Maybe you can suggest there are groups online that allow people to vent. Maybe he can find the "my ex is a psycho" chat group and vent THERE instead of polluting his current relationship?

For me it has gotten better as the years go on. More distance from when BM and DH were together.

DH and I are building our life together, our memories, etc. help as well. As my focus is us and our life, the less I think about BM.

I do have periods of time were I think a lot about BM and the skids. Usually when something skid related is going on and I am anxious. I tend to over focus on something.

It also really helps that DH rarely talks about BM or brings her up. And that the skids have all aged out (well only a month longer for YSD. Kind of an out of sight, out of mind thing.

I can't say that BM ever occupies my mind like this. She is a non event unless she is hurting my husband. Then I am there for my husband, other wise I don't think about her or them together. I don't have a magic formula, I just don't think about it.

BM gets into my head far too often, I don't know why I allow it but I do.

I took this trick from a book. The original reason to do it was to stop putting yourself down.

You wear a fat rubber band on your wrist. Every time you have a bad thought about yourself, I'm so dumb, I'm so fat, you snap the elastic band. After a day you realize how much of your self talk is harmful and after a week you are hardly ever doing it any more.
It really works.

Now I do it when BM is in my head too much. Whenever I think about her, I snap the band.

It won't stop DH from talking about her but it will get her out of your head!

Oh and if your self talk is derogatory do this! It will change your world.

Skids were adults (chronologically anyway) when DH and I married, so I have had very little BM drama. Not that her name doesn't come up. Almost always, DH refers to her as his "practice wife." He has mentioned things I didn't want to hear about, and I just ask him to stop. And he does. I am aware they have children together, and I do know how babies are made.

My ex is a non-issue to DH, but he is obsessed about a guy I dated very briefly after my divorce. I never think about this guy, ever, until DH brings it up. It's weird.

AJ, to answer your question from my point of view, it was a combination of both time, and doing better to stay away from negative subject matter when reconnecting with my dh. he was actually the one who pointed out how most of our conversations focused on kid problems, dumb@$$, or work. it was hard, because that WAS our life! we made a conscientious effort to help eachother - if i veered back into those subjects, dh would point it out and we'd pick something else to talk about, and vice versa.

over time, you get better at it. not to say those subjects will never, ever, ever come up or be necessary to talk about, but it'll eventually be emotionless, and you'll have that brainpower available for other things.

There's a couple of ways of handling this in my opinion:

A cognitive behavior approach would be to reason with your own line of thinking.

Skids exist. You know how they got here.
Why does it bother you when it's said outright? (think about this for a while) Does your reaction make sense knowing that skids exist? No? Why not?
Then self-affirm.
If SO wanted to be with BM-he wouldn't be with you. SO is with you because: (based on my observation, you are insightful, you are kind, you are smart, you are motivated)

A dialectical approach would be to avoid triggers or to acknowledge that you have them and work to find a coping mechanism like distraction, positive self talk to get through the moment.

Now that the BS babble is done:

The Reality Approach (which is my personal fav):

Perhaps, you and SO haven't figured out what your love languages are yet. Remember that post that Gimlet put up? The way we validate someone as valued and important and relevant in our lives depends on who we are as a person (how we show love) and how that person likes to be loved (how they receive/view our efforts at expressing our love). Is our form of expression meeting the needs of the other person? Sometimes these things just mesh for some couples without much of a thought. Others, especially those with different love languages, need to work at it a little more-which is just as good because the effort itself is a loving act. I would venture to guess you would benefit from exploring love languages and talking about what makes you feel valued with DH so he knows how to meet that need. Thus making you feel more secure with your relationship because you will feel valued and loved the way you need and deserve to be.

In my humble opinion, you need a confidence boost. You need to KNOW that what you bring to the table can't be matched or easily replaced. This comes from validation which you receive from both yourself and your SO. I say this from experience, I know BM1 & BM2 can't hold a candle to me-even without SO in the picture (mainly because through no effort of my own, they're hot messes).

I also learned a long time ago that before you can ever be in a healthy relationship, you need to be 100% comfortable with who YOU are. I know who I am. So even SO commenting that the HR lady at work is hot, or telling me an ex messaged him on the book, doesn't get under my skin because truth be told, while I love him endlessly I don't NEED him to feel validated and valuable. Of course, it never hurts to be validated by him (of course our relationship is stronger because he does), but if he were to leave me for someone else it would hurt but I would get through it because I know what I bring to the table. And that my love is a very powerful thing, but it's WORK to get there.

And once you do, lawd help any b*tch that tries to change that.

Thanks guys <3