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How young is too young?

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:05am

So today I found out the my future MIL father passed away last night. He is older but I do believe it was a little unexpected, he was in the hospital but I do not think that anyone saw this coming. I feel bad for MIL and she was in FL visiting him while he was in the hospital so at least her mother has someone there to be with her and support her.

All this brought up a very interesting thing to me besides so many other things. I know that my SO and his whole family will be at the funeral, I am not sure where it will be at yet so I am not sure if I will be going.

I wonder and I know it is not my business and not really any concern of mine yet as I do not live with future SS8 yet. But how young is too young for kids to attend a funeral. Literally this is just a question.

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:09am

I really think that is a question only a parent can answer. I have a 7 year old and personally not want him at a funeral for anyone other than an immediate relative... someone that he was very close to. So this would be SS8 Great Grandfather? Did he know him really well or no?

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:23am

He knew him when he would go to FL with the MIL and FIL SS8's grandparents he would see his great grandparents. I do not think he has ever been to a funeral that I know of and I am not totally sure he understands death. I know they had a cat once upon a time and my FIL too care of it as it was sick, but SS8 still thinks the cat ran away as to this day. They did not have the cat long it was their daughters.

I will not weigh in on this as I think it is his dad's decision. I know my future SS8 he will get bored and want to go home or find a ball to play with outside. He is mature in some ways but I do not think he has the attention span to be at a funeral. It is a Great Grandfather.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:10am

There is not necessarily a "too young", but every situation may be different and it may not always be necessary or appropriate for a child to attend.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:53am

Thank you for the advice. I want to say that I do believe the funeral/viewing will be back where we currently as they are from this area. Also their children including my MIL are more concentrated up north and not in FL. I have no clue.

I know he knew him and when my MIL video chats with them SS8 will talk for like a minute and say Hi. I think he is mature enough to understand everything it is attention span that I think about. Again it is his dad's call. I am sure my SO will ask my opinion just not sure what I will say. Probably this is up to you. I will help watch his son if I need to but his choice.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:58am

I would lean towards taking him (and you going too) if it's local. If the child get's restless then one of you can take him outside or away from the service to not disturb others.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 10:02am

If it is local I will absolutely go. I will think about it. I still just might default to his dad.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:27am

I think it depends completely on the kid. Parents should know their children well enough to decide if they can handle a funeral or not.

When my Mom was 6-8, two kids were killed by a train near her house. Her father made her go to the funeral because he wanted her to understand why he didn't want her playing near the train yard.
It was traumatic for her, she hates funerals and won't go to a viewing.

When her father died I was 5 and very very close to my Grandfather. Because of her experience she didn't take me to his funeral.
Big mistake. For weeks I didn't believe that he was dead and they finally had to show me pictures of him in his casket (it's a thing they do where we're from). I wasn't upset by the pictures, in fact they helped me process his death.

I appreciate the need for a ceremony to say goodbye to the deceased.

Just J's picture

Submitted by Just J on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:31am

I took my son to my aunt's funeral when he was only 4. I hadn't been particularly close to this aunt since I was a kid, but she was my dad's sister and we went for him. DS didn't really understand and when he started to get restless I took him outside so he didn't disrupt the service, but it was important to my dad and at the time my son wasn't yet in school and I'm a SAHM by day, so it's not like I had any choice but to take him. But it turned out ok and my son met some cousins and my other aunt that had never met him. And then both my kids went to MIL's funeral when they were 6 and 10. My kids were not close to her as DH was pretty much estranged from her until the end ( deep family issues that go way back), but we went to support DH. I think it's important for kids to learn to be there for family and show respect when someone passes away. I feel it made them a little more prepared for when my grandma passed away last year. We were all very close to her so that funeral had more meaning to them and I'm glad they had an idea of what to expect since they'd been to funerals before.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:58am

Thank you. This is all kinda new to me. I never had anyone close to me pass away when I was little. I did not attend my first funeral until I was like 17 or 18. It was a boy from my high school who had been in an accident.

You might have a point in this, it might be good for him attend to understand. Again I will leave it up to his dad.

JadeMom's picture

Submitted by JadeMom on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 10:15am

Depends on the kid.

I went to my great-grandmother's funeral at 7 and was completely fine and well behaved. My younger brother, 4 at the time, was pretty well behaved as well, for a 4 year old - he was squirmy, as expected. My youngest brother was 1. Nope. He was a little terror, haha, I still remember my mom chasing him around the cemetery :jawdrop:

I recently attended a funeral for my grandmother. My cousin brought her two, 9 and 6, and they were both completely pleasant. I chose to leave my boys with a sitter - but both are toddlers, so...

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 11:10am

It depends on the kid and the family. If he's been to church services and can behave appropriately, then I would think the funeral service would be ok.

We brought our six year old to both the viewing and the funeral of his grandmother (MIL). He only stayed at the viewing for about a half hour and then my parents brought him home.

My SD's MIL died. She did not bring the kids (7 and 5) to either the viewing or the funeral. There was lots of family drama and she wasn't sure if it would boil over at the viewing or funeral. We kept the kids.

Just last week SD brought both kids (now 9 and 7) to a family viewing. The 9 year old stayed the entire time. The 7 year old stayed about forty minutes and went home with a neighbor. Both kids did fine at the funeral the next day.

I worked in an elementary school with seven to ten year olds. Each year we'd have children who had grandparents die. Most of the time they went to the funeral. Sometimes they stayed with relatives. A few times they went to school. For the most part, the kids who went to school were resentful that they were there and the day was not productive academically.

If SS goes, I'd suggest that SO explain to SS exactly what to expect in advance. And then re-explain it in sections. Now we're going to the funeral home and... Now we're going to the church and.... Now we're going to the cemetery and...

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 12:28pm

Thank you for the suggestions and I really appreciate the church reference that really helps gauge things. They do not go to church and I am certain he has never sat through a service. I have never seen this kid sit through anything since I have known him unless it is a movie he really like and even then he squirms. If the funeral is here and he goes I will probably be the one to take him home or out of the area where they will have the service.

I never met my SO's grandfather so I would not mine excusing myself. I am only going to attend if it is local, if I can take off work, and to be there for my SO and his family. If the funeral is in FL I do not think even my SO will be able to attend as he started a new job and may not be able to take off from work. I have no idea I have to wait and see how things play out. I really appreciate the advice.