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Sick Dad- Step situation

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 8:06am

My dad has been very sick. Basically his heart is only functioning at 15%. Doctors believe that a virus attacked his heart and made it weak. A month ago it started... sinus infection, then flu, then pneumonia and then he ended up in ICU. He was sedated, been on oxygen since he was admitted. More testing today but next 3 months will be touch and go as he can go into cardiac arrest at any time Sad

#1- my stepmom has been amazing taking care of my dad. We are so lucky that we have her as we are almost 6 hours away and there isn't a whole lot that we can do for him. We have always had a good relationship with my SM, but it definitely makes things like this easier.

#2- My dad has had a lot of time to think about his life. When we went and visited him last week he said he regrets not being in our lives more and the grand kids lives (my BS and my sisters kids and grand kid). This is a source of "contention" for my sister and I (I'll explain more later)but we have already made the decision what is done is done and we will focus on the future and build the relationships and my sister and I will make more of an effort, even if Dad can't or doesn't.

So the source of "contention". My dad and SM first fostered a girl when she was 6 months old and then adopted her when she was maybe 6 or 7??? She is now 18. They first got custody of her the summer before I went to college and my sister was already out of the house with her own daughter. She shortly moved away to the city we live in now, 6 hours away from where my dad and SM live.

So as adults who are busy doing our own thing and living so far away we have never really had a "sister" relationship with our AS (Adopted sister).

Also add on the fact that she isn't very enjoyable to be around. She is VERY spoiled. (Parents fault). She has had some mental issues and caused issues when visiting at our homes. She has some learning issues. She is VERY dependent on my SM and dad.

I think she could be doing far better in life if my parents had pushed her to be more independent. My dad admitted to failing when raising her.

So he mentioned to my sister and I that AD feels very left out that we don't consider her a "sister". Though we don't have a 1 x 1 relationship or communication with her.

My sister and I's biggest "issue" is that we see our dad maybe 2-3 times a year. When we see him AS is ALWAYS trying to get his attention and cause problems until she has his attention. It's very frustrating. We would like to be able to visit with our parents without having to compete with AS (who lives with them) for their attention. My dad said AS feels like she has to "keep up with us" and seek his attention when we are around.

I believe that she has the mental capability of understanding that when we are all visiting that she needs to step back a little and allow Dad to spend time with my sister and I but most importantly the grand kids who WANT their (only) grandfather's attention. I also told my dad that I think that him and SM NEED to explain it to AS.

My SM is VERY laid back and usually gives in to AS.

I guess I am just trying to process everything that my dad talked about in regards to AS. It's always the elephant in the room. But it's the first time that he has spoken so candidly to my sister and I about how AS feels and how Dad and SM feel. I know they wish we would be more sisterly towards AS but it's hard- age difference, distance, her behavior, our feelings.

Thanks for listening...

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 8:21am

We will definitely be there for dad even if that includes making more of an effort with AS. I just feel like it would be fake. It's like the skids, they aren't the type of people I would have in my life if I wasn't married to DH.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 8:19am

We never try to make her feel left out. It's just exhausting dealing with her. Over time we have just gotten sick of dealing with her bad behavior and haven't put much more then the minimum effort when we do see her. But we are never rude or try to make her feel she has to compete with us.

I will make more of an effort though because it is important to my dad.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 8:16am

I never want to be in this situation, I will probably go off on the AS.... saying something like, dammit girl grow up, this is my biological father and you are adopted so piss off...

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 8:22am

Ha Ha I would never say that. }:) Most of the time we feel like we only see him a few times a year, like let us enjoy our dad, you get to see him all the time.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 8:25am

It's really hard with her. It's like talking to a brick wall. Really. We have such limited time when we see them, I know personally I don't want to spend that time making an effort with her, but I do get what you are saying.

I used to try and talk to her more on FB and tag her in stuff but then I unfollowed her because she would post very distasteful stuff. So now it's kind of like out of sight, out of mind.

She does have a 1/2 bio sister that lives with them (she's 19 and she's my SM's mom's foster child), so she does have a sister around.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 9:34am

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your dad. I think you have a very good head on your shoulders and you handle things in a very respectful and considerate way, so I suspect this won't be any different.

She sounds like she is annoying AF, but I understand the desire to be near your dad. My adult step sister is the same way - and when my dad was going through his kidney transplant a few years back, I thought I was going to punch her in the face! Our parents didn't get married until step sister was in college, and I didn't really meet her until the wedding, but man oh man was/is she an attention whore Sad

I think you need to spend this time with your dad, and try to put AS on ignore, if you can. In the end, it's the relationship with your dad that takes priority Smile

I know that you will make the decision that is best for you, your dad and your sister...

I will keep your dad in my prayers...

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 9:48am

I'm confused, the adopted sister moved 6 hours away from your dad and SM?

Is there a way to set up time for you and your sister to spend time with your dad without inviting other sister over?

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 10:03am

My sister and I live 6 hours away from dad.

Dad, SM and AS will either come and visit us where we live or we will meet up in our hometown (dad, mine and sis's hometown) which is about half way between where dad lives and where sis and I live.

AS is ALWAYS around. Dad will not travel/visit without SM and SM won't go without AS.

Sis and I have encouraged Dad to visit without SM (just for the fact that she could stay home with AS) but SM always comes because our kids are her grand kids, so I totally understand her wanting to come and we do want her to come.

tonieye11's picture

Submitted by tonieye11 on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 11:29am

I'm sorry I'm going to have an entirely different view from the masses. This is a you and your sister issue. This girl is an outsider and she knows it. Everything you said up to this point proves it. You have a family dynamic of an adopted child having to live up to two older established birth daughters mentally capable, when she's young and immature and mentally delayed. She knows that you don't want her around so you can visit "your" father, and she is immaturely reminding you he is not your father alone. She exist, she is family to him too, and by extension she should be family to you too. This is a easily understood dynamic, until your more open to her being family (and everything you've written shows your not) her backing off ain't happening.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 2:33pm

I get what you are saying...

It is hard though to consider her family, when I don't feel that bond to her. I have friends kids that I am more bonded to then my adopted sister.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 1:50pm

I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a difficult time.

I think any time there is a *much* younger sibling, the relationship is very different than siblings close in age. And even if AS was your bio-sister, with your mom and your dad, that would hold true.

But I can understand all the players attributing the distance to some other reason, because there are other reasons too (SM vs bio-mom, adopted vs bio, AS needing more from her parents, AS being a challenge in her own right, etc)

I'd just tell everyone who's concerned that you are glad AS was/in their lives and that of course it's tough to be friends with anyone who lives so far away and whose life is so different, but she's your sister and you'll always keep the lines of communication open.

My own family history has a similar tale. My grandparents adopted a 12 year old boy when my mom was about 19 or 20 and already off at university. He had a lot of problems that nobody was prepared for (and that nobody knew how to talk about in those days). Eventually he was essentially estranged from all, with only occasional contact.

When he was around 55, he reached out to my mom and ended up calling her almost every day for about 3-4 years, just for the contact and support as he was going through some stuff. They are back to not having much contact, but they do keep in touch and when my grandmother died, my mom arranged for him to get a lot more money (my grandparents had left him only a token amount due to their hurt feelings about the lack of contact). He's still a challenging person, so she sets limits, but she is available for him up to a point due to their (somewhat) shared history.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 2:34pm

Thanks for sharing... I think the age difference, distance and just being completely different has a lot to do with the relationship being the way it is.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Mon, 02/27/2017 - 3:08pm

So, let me just add this.

My DD is 25 and Thing1 and Thing2 are 21. Asshat and Money-ka have three kids, 7, 9 and 13. My DD has never lived with her youngest sibling, spent two years (every other weekend) with the middle one and 6 years with the oldest (also every other weekend) before she left for college.

She doesn't really have much of a relationship with them because really didn't live with them and now they live in MA. Please don't give yourself too much grief about how you feel about AS. She feels like a stranger because she is a stranger...