Mood is not great here.
Dhs mother had a lung transplant, about two years ago, she went in the hospital last weekend for headaches, but its more serious than that.
First they were talking to her about her body rejecting the lungs, then it was some infection they were telling her they could hopfully clear up. Then last night they lay out its cancer, today she finds out more, i think dh is going to visit her today. Not sure though.
Im trying but i am not a great person for comfort. I feel i always say the wrong thing. Ive actually been avoiding dh. He is in this dark mood, he keeps talking like he is next to die, and he thinks he has something wrong with him..its just draining. Im not sure how im supposed to be?
I try to lighten the mood, "my mothers dying but it does not bother you i see."
I stay away from him, he makes remarks about im cold and i dont understand.
I cant win... i just dont get people who do not spend time with each other getting so bent outta shape?
His mom is a nut, he avoids her because she stresses him out. I dont like to be around her all that much cause she cant sit still, she tells adult stories around the kids. I know its his mother, and it still sucks this is happining to her. I just hate this black cloud around dh.. i mean geez i can only do so much for him.
He complained to me yesterday about how he hates that i can sleep and he cant! Like he is jealous, but the way he said it i feel bad that i need sleep! Im sorry you cant sleep but why should i feel guilty?
Im trying to be there for him, but until i know more about whats happining i cant stop my whole life, i still have kids to deal with, and i guess im inabling his mood because he can go shut himself in a room and well i have the kids always.... i just feel like these past two weeks he has just been nit picking at me. It sucks...i just want to figure out something and not be here...like go to the beach without him, or figure out someone to stay with, i feel guilty thinking that because i should be here for him and the rest of family.
But another part of me is eff it, the kids dont need to be around this dark cloud, or having daddy put mommy in a bad mood. I cant go visit her in icu, unless get a baby sitter... and we only have a few family members that can sit for us. We were actually getting ready to interview a few babysitters when this all went down... but i might just have to suck it up and hire one we dont know very well... just to get a little break..
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i agree again with troll.
i agree again with troll. wow... is it a full moon or something?
Unfortunately even those with
Unfortunately even those with shit parents have deep connections that are shaken by this kind of news. Inevitably it brings up questions of our own mortality too.
To be absolutely frank you need to pull yourself out of your arse and be there for your husband. This is not about you or the kids. If you struggle to know what to do ask your husband directly what he would like. Failing that ask a priest or anyone who has been through something similar what they would have liked. Reassure, ease his everyday burdens, do everything that needs to be done so that he can be where he needs to be. Listen to him talk. Let him cry on your shoulder. Listen to his fears, do not dismiss them.
men we can't live with them
men we can't live with them and we can't live without them... all you can do is listen to DH, ignore the black mood
if he tell you you do not care, smile and say, Hon I do care, I try and make life normal for the kids sake and to keep life normal for you....
I always say the wrong thing as well.... but luckily SO gets the fact that some people deal with shock and sadness way differently then others, I'm that idiot cracking jokes during times like this... it's how I deal with it, SO sits and sulks
Thanks guys, i guess im lost
Thanks guys, i guess im lost too. I want to sit and cuddle him, but we have kids so i cant just sit and sulk with him for an hour.
And its rough news, but we knew alot of the risks when she went through the surgery. And i know its not about me, im just saying im having a hard time being supportive and mom.
I feel terrible for being an awkward person in these situations i just never know what to say, or do.
I was thinking about looking for greif support groups for him, maybe that might help a bit. Might help later when she actually passes away...which who knows when that will be? We dont have any answers yet.
Because you have kids now you
Because you have kids now you can't give your husband an hour of sulking attention? These kinds of things lead to divorce.
Sometimes you have got to stop being a mom and instead be what you first was which is a wife. Get someone to watch your kids for a couple of hours and surprise him with one on one time in which all you do is listen, offer support and give hugs.
OP can still TOUCH her DH in
OP can still TOUCH her DH in a loving manner in front of the kids. A simple touch, loving look, and a small smile can mean everything.
How about getting a sitter
How about getting a sitter for the kids so that you will have a few hours to focus on just your husband?
I have a hard time dealing with death. I never know what to say. I have learned that often times people just want you to listen and be there while they talk.
Whatever he says or does just
Whatever he says or does just keep responding that this really sucks and you are sorry he's going through it.
Update- she is getting a pick
Update- she is getting a pick line and coming home tomorrow.
We went to lunch. After lunch he told me he was upset that no one has called him. I told him to wait maybe all the info is sinking in. But if he needs to, then just go up there, be with them(grandma and his mom) so he goes up there. They are all fine laughing and what not.
She still has a long road to go but docs are hoping the chemolike medicine will work.
So he gets upset with them, that noone called him, this has been on his mind all morning.
This is where i get irritated with his mother- i need attention- let me call you everyday while your at work with all my emotions, but the most impotant day nope not going to call you!!
This is why i was not so emotional about her, i was waiting for more info.
But thank you MIL i got two weeks of a grumpy- not there husband- thanks, ughhh.
I mean really they talked to everyone but him, he is the first one they call when something is broke, he runs over to help, when she is being a wack a nut, and has a problem no matter what time he helps her, ,but she cant call him so he can focus back on work!!!
She could have called him and we could all go visit her tomorrow, but he leaves work becauze he is freaking out! Ughhh.
Its just so irritating with them!!!
Im glad things have settled,
Im glad things have settled, he is going over a freinds to chillout. I just said go have fun.
Tomorrow should be a better day now that all that worry is aside for awhile, until the next hospital week...
Another update- things are
Another update- things are looking up, me an dh had a nice moment, he got teary eyed opening up. Im glad he opened up and we are onto the next phase. I think he just thought he could not let it out.
Thank you ladies!
I hope the next round- whenever it may be, i can be there for him better!