Stepmoms with an ours baby - how did you handle the postpartum week?
Did you alter custody? Get a doula to help with older kids? Or is there anything you wish you'd done differently?
DH and I are expecting a baby in 2 months. He can take off 1 week right after baby is born. Skids are older - two extremely helpful girls ages 18 and 16 and one somewhat less helpful SS14. Of course DH does not want to alter custody schedule and we have them 50/50 so there's a 50 percent chance they will be with us when we get home from hospital. I'm apprehensive.
Love to hear others experiences.
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Well the idea is that I'd
Well the idea is that I'd like dad helping me and bonding with the baby the first week we come home from the hospital, not looking after skids.
Yes the skids are with us
Yes the skids are with us Tuesday to Sunday. With my luck I'll go into labor the Saturday before and be home just in time for skid week to start!
It's not my first, but my first in a long while -DD19 is away at college.
Skids are 18, 16 and 14. I'm
Skids are 18, 16 and 14. I'm not sure what the concern is here. Unless none of them are capable of bathing or clothing themselves on there own, this isn't an issue. Why do you think you need to find someone to take care of these teens?
You're talking to the wrong audience. Sit down with your H and explain your concerns regarding how you envision his week home with you. And you have two helpful SDs? See if there aren't small things they can do to help out their new sibling.
Well there's food shopping,
Well there's food shopping, cooking, and cleaning up after the kids. Plus rides the various places SS15 wants to go. It's not like they are zero work when they're with us. There's always noise, mess, and general chaos. I was hoping for a break from that for one week after baby was born.
Is your mom.. or his mom
Is your mom.. or his mom planning on being around during that time? I would foist some of the chauffeur duties to some of them. I might also set expectations with the Skids that they are going to have to be self reliant during that time and SS may have to forgo some activities if someone isn't able to drive him.
Your DH should set these expectations with them.
My mom still works so no. I
My mom still works so no. I wanted DH mom to come over at night when skids are home to make them dinner, cleanup. I know she'd do it, but DH said no, she stresses him out too much. He wants his mom to take them out to dinner one night and otherwise they can eat lasagna he says.
Alter custody if it needs be.
Alter custody if it needs be. Come on... You need the time to adjust. Besides you have to keep in mind that a new born is going to wear you two down. And they aren't going to want to be woken all hours of the night. Two weeks of peace isn't too much to ask!
Yeah this is my position.
Yeah this is my position. Obviously we could handle it if skids were there. But I'd honestly just rather they weren't. I don't think it's too much to ask! They will have plenty of time to see baby for the rest of their lives. I just want the one week after hes born!
One two of the Step kids are
One two of the Step kids are of driving age. They can run to the store with a list of items to get if needed. Or there is always pizza delivery.
SS15 will just have to get over not being run all over for a while.
Plus if you are anything like I was when I first came home with my BS, I didn't want everyone fussing over me or the baby.
I wanted time to bond and figure out what I was doing.
Your Stepkids are well old enough to do for themselves and the older ones can run the SS15 to and from.
Stop sweating the small stuff. Just be glad you don't have young stepkids who require 100% attention.
Do you have instacart and
Do you have instacart and Uber where you live? They might help fill in when you don't want to go to the store or if the kids need to get places.
DH won't let SS take uber. He
DH won't let SS take uber. He still babies him to the point kid has to have a babysitter if he is home alone.
At the ages of your stepkids,
At the ages of your stepkids, I don't really see the big deal. You should be the priority with healing your body and Dad should have plenty on his hands with seeing you and baby are adjusting. the teens can fend around between the three of them. taking care of themselves with Dad making sure they stay on task.
If you've got a 16 and 18 year old willing to be very helpful, they can do any grocery runs and laundry for household. These kids are old enough to get themselves to school, make meals for themselves perhaps even for Dad and you.
On the other hand, if you'd rather just be home with baby, request they spend the two weeks in a row at BM's. Or just SS if you think he'd do better (perhaps he needs more supervision with staying on task).
ETA..I just read about noise and messes, transport ect above. Pay the oldest girl/s to take charge.
They are pretty helpful but
They are pretty helpful but honestly I don't want their help with my newborn the first week he is back from the hospital. I just want to be alone to bond with my husband and baby, not constantly handing the baby off to skids who want to help me by holding him.
Already talked to DH - he wants schedule to stay as is because he is worried about skids feelings.
I think it's important to not
I think it's important to not give those kids the impression that dad is brushing them off for his "new" family. No reason why your husband can't run interference (or someone else in the household). "mom and baby are sleeping.. tired... need some space" repeat as needed. Dad can bribe them by buying them movie tickets or sending them on errands. Won't they be in school most of the day though?
Oldest kid takes charge of
Oldest kid takes charge of other step kids. If they are helpful they will want to be helping. This way they are helping by keeping out of your way. I would maybe set a little extra money aside so that dad can send the kids out to the mall/movies etc when you need a break at home.
Meh. I'm the oldest of 6 in
Meh. I'm the oldest of 6 in an intact family and my parents often sent us to relatives for the first couple days. At the very least, my mom had her mom or my dad's mom there...or both back-to-back...for the first week or two.
Bug. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting total peace and quiet for a few days. This is a time when it's OK to be a little selfish. You can set it up / have DH talk to the skids about it so that it's not about banishing THEM...it's about YOUR needs and your new baby's needs. I have lots of friends who have sent birth plans / wishes around that include something along the lines of: "Parents and baby need a week of settling in and bonding time, so please don't visit right away."
This is how you should approach it with DH and how he should talk about it to skids. It's about working a birth plan....and they are totally the first people who will get to hold and interact with the baby outside if the two of you. Maybe you could set something up where you get the first week just parents and baby...and then skids the following week...no matter when baby is born / normal skid visitation falls.
Your request isn't unreasonable at all. My sister just had a baby last summer, and her two boys went to their grandparents' for a few days. Of course, the grandparents brought them to the hospital to hold their new brother for a few minutes...but that was very contained and then they were gone and back to grandma's. Maybe you could offer something like that for the skids? Anyway...my point is... Nobody batted an eye or told my sister she was excluding them or setting them up to hate and resent their sibling. It was just considered normal and natural. It was about what my sister needed at that moment...not about her two older kids, who were totally thrilled and excited and fine.
Whoever said that CODs are treated like fragile little shells of people is absolutely correct. And it's completely unfair and sets unrealistic expectations for the SM. Three times recently I've seen stepmoms who wanted their teen and preteen skid to bond with their new half-sibling being told huffily on here that they are CRAZY and NARCISSISTIC and SELFISH and TOTALLY DELUSIONAL INSANE SELFISH SAD EXCUSES FOR HUMAN BEINGS!!!!!!! Why on EARTH would a TEEN want to spend time with a BABY?!?! For you to even THINK they would or should shows that you have your HEAD so far up your own ASS there's just no hope for you. When will you get it through your THICK SKULL that you and your baby don't matter at all??? Only dad's original kids matter!
Like...that's seriously the tone and the gist of what I've seen here. How dare a SM expect her skids to have any interest in their half-sibling? Especially teen or pre-teen skids. How DARE she?! Then you come on here wanting a little break....and the huffers and puffers crawl back out of the woodwork: "But that's their SIBLING you unmitigated SHREW!" So, apparently, it's totally fine and normal for the skids to exclude you and their new sibling...shouldn't expect any better...but if you want even the slightest break...even a whiff of time for yourself with your family...it's inexcusable exclusion! PFFT!! You can't win on this site...so make yourself happy.
Thanks for your story about
Thanks for your story about your sister. I think when I'm evaluating a decision wrt the skids I try to ask myself "what would I do if this were my bio?" I think here I would send bios to grandmas for a few days or at least have grandma come stay in the evening to help with them.
We have friends who are having their first (no skids) around the same time we are and they have a doula coming just to help them with the baby and help around the house. And having family come help the couple with the new baby seems pretty common too. And when I look at my situation I realize I'm not even asking for that, I just don't want to do all the EXTRA work that comes with having skids over. I can take care of us for a week (DH and I are fine with letting the laundry go and just eating sandwiches).
Yep. What you want here is
Yep. What you want here is completely, 100% reasonable and normal. What your DH wants is unnatural and unfair to you. Why would you NOT prioritize the needs of the person who has just given birth to another human?
NOBODY would want three kids who weren't theirs hanging out for a week the moment they got home from any kind of major hospital procedure. Like...my mom just had knee surgery, and we all took turns staying with her for a day or two and getting everything for her, cooking for her, letting her recuperate. NOT ONE PERSON suggested that she should babysit some teens for that week or told her she was selfish for not offering to have three teens stay at her house. Weird.
Then, throw a brand new baby into the mix...into the fact that your body is healing from some very real stress and trauma. How strange that you don't want three loud, self-involved teens hovering around you. What kind of person are you?!
I mean...honestly. Isn't that an absurd suggestion when you look at it that way? You are having the equivalent of a major surgery...and DH wants you to immediately have to deal with and make room for three teens? Frankly, I think it's a bit misogynistic. Like, women should just be able to pop a baby out one day and go right back to cooking and cleaning the next, right?
Again, there IS a way to include his kids and prioritize their relationship with their new sibling from the beginning without having them there the instant you get home. It's all about having a united front...and about how your DH presents it to them. I suggest: "Hey! We'd love for you all to visit for an hour at the hospital when your new sibling is born, if you're free. Hold the baby, say hello. When we get home, Bug and the new baby are going to need about a week to heal and rest, so we may have to rearrange visitation a little...but then we hope you'll come over and play with the baby!" See. Nothing about banishing or excluding...just working a reasonable plan that meets the needs of the two people who have just undergone a fairly traumatic medical procedure / life transition.
Thanks! I too think there's a
Thanks! I too think there's a way to spin this so they don't feel excluded- visits to the hospital and stressing that I'm probably going to be in pain for the first few days, plus the baby would keep them up at night so they would not get any rest etc.
I would be fine if they came over on the weekend for a visit too - it's just them living here with the resulting mess and noise and work I don't think I could handle.
I didn't even read to the end
I didn't even read to the end of the comments, but I sincerely hope there are more comments like this one. If you need privacy, quiet, and bonding time, then that should be the first priority. I would make it clear that it isn't directed at just the skids because they are "outsiders". This is what you need and that should be respected by EVERYONE. (But let's be real they are not your kids, but rather noisy mini adults who will be competing for your attention, DH's attention, and for baby time all the while making a mess in your home. I wouldn't want that either.)
Personally, I don't want anyone in my home or even at the hospital after the birth. It is like a major surgery, and I don't want people gawking at me or intruding on my bonding time with MY baby. It is time for the mother to heal and mother and father to bond with baby, and everyone else can wait their gosh darn turn. (I know I have some extreme feelings on the issue.)
Also, I stayed with my grandma when my brother was born. Grandma took me up to the store where I picked out a rattle for baby brother, we visited him at the hospital, and then I stayed with her for a few days. I was 4, and I don't resent my brother for it.
I am the eldest of three and
I am the eldest of three and I stayed with family or friends for a couple of weeks when my two younger brothers were born. I would be dropped off when it was time for mom and dad to leave for the hospital and I would be picked up when they got back ... after they had a number of days of calm time sans Rags.
See. And Rags turned out
See.
And Rags turned out just fine
Yeah. I don't need the kind
Yeah. I don't need the kind of help where you hold my baby - DH and got that covered. What I need is someone to make me dinner or help with tidying, laundry etc.
Lol. I've read so many
Lol. I've read so many stories like that on the baby boards. My mom is not very motherly either but at least she admits it! She asked what she could do and I said drop off some meals (she lives close) and we are both very happy with that.
I am due June 1st with twins,
I am due June 1st with twins, if nothing goes wrong I'll have them in May at 37 or 38 weeks. 18, 16, and 14 sounds like a dream come true! The kids in our blended family (2 his and 2 mine) will be 15, 8, 8, and 6 when the twins are born. I am trying to find a relative to come and stay at our house for the days I'm in the hospital so DH can stay with me overnight, can't ship the kids off for a week bc the school year won't be over yet. We will not be asking BM to switch any days and my kids bio dad dropped off the face of the earth years ago so no help there. We at least have the benefit of scheduling the c-section as long as I don't go into labor unexpectedly so we'all definitely try to schedule it so that the bulk of the hospital time is over the weekend. My DH is taking 3 weeks off right after they're born and then I'm going to be on my own with all six kids. My mom already said she'll take my two for most of the summer thank goodness. SS8 is just going to have a boring summer stuck at home with me and the babies unfortunately.
First congrats! Second alone
First congrats!
Second alone with six kids!!! Two of which are newborn twins? You definitely win!
Thank you and congrats to you
Thank you and congrats to you too! I already know that the weeks following the babies' birth are going to be brutal. I never do well post-partum. My mom lives 2.5 hours away in the country and I told her my two will be packed and waiting for her on the last day of school and they don't want to come back until August lol. I wish I could send SS8 too.
More than capable yes.
More than capable yes. Whether they will or not is a different story entirely but thanks! I'm excited either way.
I had BS on a Friday, the day
I had BS on a Friday, the day he left, and he came back home Sunday; that was the only break I got until Summer rotation started two weeks later. I let SS play Xbox and watch tv. I stocked up on warm up foods he likes such as pizza rolls, chicken fingers, lunchables. My mom would come over to help me pick up a little bit and so I could shower. I was tired but none of it was unbearable. DH went back to work that following Monday.
Yes well that's a whole other
Yes well that's a whole other can of worms. It'll be just me and SS15 and the baby home all day once school starts. How old was your SS?
He was three turning four one
He was three turning four one month after BS got here. And I agree with the above gets a lot of disposable items like itensils, plates, cups; every little bit helps. At 15 you should give him a new Xbox game or computer game, whichever he is into, as a Big Brother" gift and just let him binge on it. At fifteen he probably has friends he can go off to the movies with and have sleepovers so have your DH arrange to leave cash for Mall/Movie days with his friends so he'll be out of the house at least for a little bit.
Haha you guys are a tough
Haha you guys are a tough crowd today! If it was just SD18 and SD16 I probably would not care. But SS15 has always been the baby of the family and is in no way self sufficient. In the last year I've gotten him to do his own laundry but he still comes to DH "dad what should I do" "dad what should I eat?" Constantly cuddling on DH which was cute when he was 10 but is now just a little odd. I expect him to become more needy, not less when the baby comes.
As for SDs I would not care at all if they were home, same for my DD19. If I had a bio kid who I thought would need extra care I would send them to grandmas for a week or so, at least until I healed and settled into a routine. I guess I'm just heartless!
I would task the sisters with
I would task the sisters with wrangling the brother. DH needs to step it up and make this happen. The kids should be welcome as helpful as they can be.
Dad what should I do.. should always be met with a chore response...lol
My SS15 is incredibly
My SS15 is incredibly self-sufficient and doesn't ask me for anything but the occasional ride and I still look at him and think "get the eff out of my house." He no longer follows a set schedule and prefers our house so he's here 90% of the time. Sure saves BM on food costs but it drives me nuts. With my pregnancy hormones it's not hard to find stuff to be annoyed about.
Oh you poor thing. Well with
Oh you poor thing. Well with twins you will be nursing nearly constantly and I see no reason you should not do it in the main rooms- it's only natural right? That should send him back to BMs or at least to his room! }:)
I have no experience in this
I have no experience in this dept. but I understand how you feel bc I think I would feel the same way. So much of our lives is shared with these "other people" aka known as skids and sometimes it would be nice to have just a little something that you don't have to share with them.
Yup this! I'm not asking for
Yup this! I'm not asking for too much - just a little break while I get used to baby and my nether regions heal.
Oh well there's always plan B. I'm half thinking about getting induced on a nonskid week. Problem solved!
It is their sibling as well.
It is their sibling as well. They may not be blood relatives, but they are your husband's children. It sounds like you, in general, have a decent relationship with the kids. I would not die upon this hill and send the "outsiders" away. Your husband does NOT see his children as outsiders. I would not bring this problem into my house.
The kids are old enough to be self sufficient and the older ones can certainly keep the younger boy out of your hair. "least they can do and all" You would not have this thought if they were your bio kids no matter how messy or needy they might be.
You might get lucky and it might happen on one of the off weeks.
Plus, won't they all be in school most of the day?
You're probably right that I
You're probably right that I would not feel as strongly if they were my bios. I think what gets me is that as stepmoms we share so much with our stepkids. I want a week that's just mine with DH and the baby. I know it's their sibling but it's also our first baby together and I want to relish a little of that new mom experience.
Other options I am considering:
Having DH take his one week off postpartum after they leave.
Getting my OB to induce me on a nonskid week.
Neither would involve sending away the skids.
I think you are overlooking
I think you are overlooking the fact that your husband wants his kids involved. You could suggest those options to him, but I have a feeling he may still feel like the kids are being excluded.
Oh you're probably right. It
Oh you're probably right. It seems nearly certain at least one of us will not get what we want. Not sure if it will be me or him!
Step parenting is a long
Step parenting is a long game.. To be honest, being inclusive with his kids now will pay dividends in the future. Imagine the resentment against your child if his kids get a whiff of you not wanting them around because of the baby.
If you don't object.. but merely ask your husband to advocate for as much peace and quiet during the first few weeks (no matter where the kids are) that would be great.
You can even voice your concern over his son's need to be watched and you can work on a plan to manage that together so it doesn't become overwhelming in the heat of the moment.
In the end, it's 50 50 whether they will be around so it might be worry for naught. Shoot, BM might pull a GUBM and keep them away.. lol.
The key is YOU coming out smelling like a rose.
Yes but down the road when
Yes but down the road when one of the girl skids doesn't want SM around her baby then SM is to take the high road. We typically always lose. We have to always remember their feelings while ours get shoved to the side.
I am pretty positive that if I had a bio's they would be shipped someplace else when I had a new kid. Each mom, baby and daddy deserve one on one time and that doesn't mean that the other children are less to the parents. My mom shipped us off every time she had a child and none of us are holding grudges against the kid she had. I think COD's are handled with such kid gloves that the normal behavior that you would exhibit with your own child cannot be handled the same way with skids because the parents are filled with guilt.
I am thinking of not just the
I am thinking of not just the stepkids.. but the goodwill she banks with her DH by being inclusive.
I still wondering why the kids won't be in school. If so, won't they be either at school or sleeping for the vast majority of time?
Yes but what about my
Yes but what about my goodwill towards my husband for putting me first during this one important life moment?
BOOM and the mic drops.
BOOM and the mic drops.
I'm sorry that happened to
I'm sorry that happened to you. What exactly went on that made that time so miserable for you?
I've never heard of skid that
I've never heard of skid that considers their dad before the ill treatment of their step mom. I'm not trying to win a popularity vote with my DH the week I am bringing a child in to the world. For that snap shot of time the world revolves around me and the new baby AT LEAST FOR A WHOLE FREAKING WEEK. It isn't like she is asking for a month, just a week, just one small week, in the worlds of worlds it doesn't seem like that much to ask for. Let skids come by on a certain day at a certain time to meet the baby and then go the hell somewhere else.
Thanks! I'd send away bios
Thanks! I'd send away bios too, so I don't think km being hypocritical.
Yep. See my comment above.
Yep. See my comment above. Women having babies in intact families send their own older bios somewhere quite frequently. But, for some reason, a SM should be totally cool with having SOMEONE ELSE'S children hanging around her house the week after she gives birth. Makes perfect sense.
Do it if your doctor will let
Do it if your doctor will let you. It will be more relaxing for you which will help everything else fall into place once he gets there.
I understand. You have been
I understand. You have been wanting this "ours" baby for a while. With your DD's age, this is just like a first baby. I understand DH's reasoning as well; however, I have no doubt I would feel like you.
Also, even in intact families, kids stay with family while the Mom is at the hospital and a few days afterwards. I would have wanted DD to stay with family a few days. Even with older kids, they still require maintenance and I would want to focus on the baby and getting some sleep.
If you have a C-section, you will need your DH to be there for you-not playing taxi.
I would opt for induction. And congratulations again, WokeUpABug.
Thanks, Robin! I think you
Thanks, Robin! I think you explained it really well. Regardless of this nonsense I am thrilled and can't wait! I just know that if SS decides to regress and get extra needy and dad gets guilty and caters to SS instead of focusing on me and the baby it's going to lead to resentment. And it's so easily avoidable. They have another bio parent they could stay with who I'm sure would love to take them for extra time. Oh well.
And I love how the same women
And I love how the same women that I've recently seen shaming at least three stepmoms for expecting their pre-teen and teen skids to have any sort of bond or attachment to their new half-sibling (WHY should they care about YOUR baby, you delusional, selfish SM?!)
Well...they're now pulling the SIBLING card on Bug. But those are your new baby's SIBLINGS!!! GASP!!!
So which is it?
It depends on the dynamic.
It depends on the dynamic.
FORCING kids to miss out on a much anticipated, yearly event to bond with an infant sibling. WRONG
Including the kids(within reason)from the start and allowing them to naturally bond with their new sibling. GREAT
And it's so cool how you
And it's so cool how you totally know the entire dynamic from a couple of posts on Steptalk.
I wish I was omniscient like some of the posters here seem to be.
**Edited to add: I also wouldn't advise forcing skids to miss out on their camp for the summer for a number of reasons...not the least of which is my own sanity. However, what I was referring to was the posters, including you, who took it to a horribly MEAN level by accusing the OP of expecting her teen skids to sit around all summer "worshipping" her baby. Really?! And then mocking her for having any expectation that they should bond with their half-sibling. Um. You're not the only one who can "read between the lines." It's clear from your tone on every post like this what you mean: Stepmom, you and your child(ren) don't matter, only the skids matter.
Oh stop with the bullshit.
Oh stop with the bullshit. You put a comment out there and I replied.
These are not one size fits all situations. The dynamics matter. The experiences of the folks involved matter. A person who grew up in home where the kids spent time with tue grandparents after a new babies birth will most likely agree with the OP. Those who stayed home and it was business as usual when a sibling was born, may agree with the husband.
Neither view is wrong. Just different.
I did not mock the summer camp poster. I think her husband is a damn fool if he thinks his kids will want to miss out on camp in favor of spending the summer bonding with a 6 month old.
You don't have to read between the lines when I post. I hate passive aggressiveness. I state what I think andvI own what I say.
Not once have I ever said a SM and her kids don't matter. However, I do believe trying to get a father to act like he has 2 families is wrong.
Huh? But he DOES have two
Huh?
But he DOES have two families, though. That's just a fact. He can try to "blend" the two families...with varying degrees of success...but I think that to pretend like it's NOT two families is what's actually delusional, unhealthy, and wrong. I mean, if it's not two families, then what is there to blend in the first place?
And are you saying that the usual suspects DIDN'T get mean on those other posts? DIDN'T tell the camp poster that she was "delusional" and selfish or that she was expecting the skids to "worship" her baby. Or, my personal favorite, that she "should have aborted" her baby if she couldn't afford to give each skid their own room? Because I'm pretty sure I read all of those things. On a forum for stepmoms no less.
I believe those comments were
I believe those comments were directed at the husband, not the OP. She said several times that this was all husband's idea not hers. She also said that she was willing to support his decision. Not once did she say that she was attempting to influence him in one way or the other.
Do SMs who bring bios into the relationship have 2 families once they have an OURS baby?
I have never heard of a SM viewing her bio children as being a part of 2 separate families. If the SMs were asked to list gne members of their family, more than likely they would include both of their children and their husbands.
That is a good point...and
That is a good point...and one that I will have to think about. I do know that it's natural for SMs to not think of their skids as their own...or as a part of "their" family in the same way that their bios are, and I don't see anything wrong with that. How the DH views the situation may very well be different, which is also fine...but in a marriage, there needs to be compromise. And, too often, what I see is the SM getting railroaded and tread down while DH and skids get everything their way. That's just been my observation. When having a new baby...I think it's perfectly fine for the SM to speak up and have her needs heard.
As for the comments, they were not all directed at her DH. Particularly the "you should have aborted your baby" comment.
Yes. This is exactly my point
Yes. This is exactly my point and my only point. That the SM's needs matter, too. Sometimes, they even matter more than the darling little first family's desires.
It's not right to chastise SMs for not including their skids the instant they come home from the hospital with a new baby while also calling them delusional for expecting their skids to care about their half-sibling while also telling them the must ALWAYS remember that those kids ALREADY HAVE a mother and YOU are NOT it while also telling them they are SO WRONG for acting like there are two families. In fact, it's kind of insane.
Seriously. What's a SM supposed to do with all of this?
" Or, my personal favorite,
" Or, my personal favorite, that she "should have aborted" her baby if she couldn't afford to give each skid their own room? "
Said by a resident multiple personal identity troll that goes out of her way to stir sh*t and get some shock value.
Don't be placing all posters who fail to agree with your opinion in the same crazy nutshell as the member who gave the comment. If you're going to hurl rocks at each other, make it factual to what that person actually said. Not a general round up of assorted different members and then giving *our* resident troll as an example.
However, I'm sure our resident multiple identity crisis troll will be delighted you noticed and were offended by her. That is her goal you know.
That was one comment out of
That was one comment out of many.
The "delusional" and "expecting worship" comments were by non-trolls who frequently like to shame stepmoms for taking an interest in their own lives or having their own kids. Some of the non-trolls also said having the baby was "irresponsible" and "wrong" though they didn't stoop to abortion language. I'm not making that up or lumping anyone unfairly.
I lucked out and had
I lucked out and had dd6months on a non ss15 weekend, so I did have a week without him here. My mom came and ran the house for us.
I was a mess the first week. Really the first month, but the first few weeks...Ugh.
Dd was up every two hours. That was a huge kick in the pants for me. By day 4 I had hit the wall and dh was very tired as well.
It hurt to get around,I tore. Fun times.
Honestly the worst thing to deal with with ss15 has been breastfeeding. It was hell trying to cover her, and it still is. I used to hide in my bedroom when he was here and I got so angry doing that the entire weekend when she used to feed every hour. It was like being trapped in a dungeon.
If I did go sit I the living room, ss would position himself on the couch so he was facing me. He was also turning around and looking at me in the car. It was weird as hell, he just did it on the car again last visit.
I eventually got over it, I wear a undershirt and button up flannel top to nurse in, it's my mom uniform. I put a burp rag over my boob she's nursing on and sit where I want to in my house. PeepingTom can shove off.
If I gave birth on a skid weekend we would have asked bm to keep him I guess. We couldn't have asked my MIL and FIL....they beat me to the hospital.....yes you read that right....they beat be to the hospital and waited in the lobby for 19 hours. Good thing they didn't have ss15. I would have killed them. We were living 3 hours away from SS15 at the time. My MIL would have totally picked ss up if it was DHs weekend. I was so stressed out about that.
Well, congrats, and chances are the skids won't even want to be there. Your DH will be too tired to play taxi and sous chef
Your story about your SS and
Your story about your SS and breastfeeding- ugh so creepy! I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to deal with that. I definitely plan to nurse and would prefer not to spend the entire day in my room like I was hiding out. I remember with my DD I got pretty good at draping a blanket over my shoulder and I'm considering one of those new nursing scarves. Frankly I don't want him to see my boob anymore than he wants to see it!
I forgot to add that when MIL
I forgot to add that when MIL brought over SS the next weekend, I sat in my room bawling, handed dd to DH and let him bring her out to meet SS and have hag MIL bounce my newborn in her hands over my tile floor. I just couldn't handle it.
My mom just left and that was so hard for me, and DH wanted to keep SS15 an extra few days since he was on vacation. I was pissed. Breastfeeding was a bitch. Everytime she latched it felt like glass was being chewed on them. I had baby blues, crying for no apparent reason.
The blanket technique is good too, I gotta hold dd's hand though so she doesn't pull it off lol.
Yeah SS is ....I don't even know. It's just been interesting. He's good with her though so I'm thankful, and I'm trying not to be a smother.
I needed that week alone though, and I hope you get it. Fight for it. You deserve it.
Bm is having her baby in a few days. This year (I'm blending the first few months of 2017 in with it) has been just weird.
I have two toddlers with DH.
I have two toddlers with DH. Both by c-section (placenta previa, then a repeat c-section). So, thankfully I had a tentative scheduled date both times.
The first birth, we were still living in the same town as BM and skid, so I informed DH, well ahead of time, that there would be no hospital visitation by skid. As luck would have it, I was in and out in 24 hours and skid happened to fall sick over that time, so I definitely dug my heels in that she would stay away until better, at LEAST a week. I avoided giving DH definite answers when asked "when can skid come over?!" I left things open ended as much as I could because I got the vibe BM wanted skid off her hands.
After a couple days at home, BM grew restless and was dying for some skid-free time, even though skid had a 100+ fever, cough, all that. BM told DH that "skid could just hang out in another room away from the baby or something". Yeah, no. After a week, skid came over despite very obviously still battling some sort of funk. But, that's just skid. She's a walking petridish. Always has been.
My 2nd c-section fell over summer visitation. Same plan as the first. DH took our toddler out to do things in the evening with skid. Skid also was enrolled in day camp. Spent those nights with the in-laws.
Recovery and that first week of bonding time is a gift you give to yourself. You deserve it. Take it and have no regrets. Congratulations!
Interesting theory. I know my
Interesting theory. I know my stress level is higher when they are with us. I think perhaps evolutionarily our bodies protect us and start the labor when our cortisol levels are low, since we will be very vulnerable for awhile after/during.
DH had primary physical
DH had primary physical custody when OBS was born. Had an emergency c-section. DH wss AD military so they sent over one of the squadron wives to "help" me. She sat on my couch while I washed 3 days worth of SD's pissy sheets and clothing.
When YBS was born, he had complications. He was in the NICU for a week while DH, OBS and I stayed in a motel. SD spent the week with her best friend, although if you asked her, we dumped her on strangers and never gave a rats patoot.
I didn't need any kind of acclimation because I took care of my nephew so my exSIL could go see my brother in the ICU.
I hope that your baby is born healthy and happy and that you enjoy every moment.
You can! can she stay with BM
You can! can she stay with BM or in laws and just come over for hour or two visits? Honestly as excited as our skids about their new sibs, I doubt it translates into wanting to see them 24 hours a day, be woken up in the middle of the night, etc. Frankly an hour or two when SD can hold baby and dad can focus on SD and baby sounds more pleasant for everyone involved. Good luck for your C section!
When my BFF had her first
When my BFF had her first child in 1978 she had to have her two older teen skids there for the week. She's still pissed over that.
When I went to see her a day or two after she got home from the hospital I was with my parents (who she knew very well). But they stayed in the car while I went inside as they respected her need for privacy at that time.
Yeah I think if this goes
Yeah I think if this goes down the way I fear it may it could lead to lifelong resentment. You only get to do this once!
I understand some of the
I understand some of the women on here that say well "If they were your kids, would you send them to a grand parents house etc". The answer is no I would keep my kids with me while having a new baby, because well they are my kids. They have to listen to me 100%, I do not need to divert the parenting to ANYONE ELSE, my husband, their mom. Just ME.
So if I decide I want a week with a new baby by myself to bond, so be it. Let's face it, while you can be loving to your step kids they are not your kids. And in most cases you are reminded of it every waking moment when you ask them to do something, or if you are disengaged like some women on here are you leave it to your husband. So, I am sorry if I offend, but I would prefer not to have my step kids over the first week of life for my new baby, I would not want the stress of diverting and tip toeing of their feelings while trying to bond with my baby.
you simply take that little
you simply take that little baby and be off to your room.... DH and his teens are responsible for making dinner and cleaning up after wards....
or you invite MIL over for a week or so, fuck DH....
well posting more then once
well posting more then once ... not making it better lol... you are still one woman }:) }:)
No wuss here. Like I said - I
No wuss here. Like I said - I was in and out of the hospital in 24 hours, both times. Never claimed to be down and out, in bed for a week or two, like most OB doctors recommend. I simply didn't want skid gracing me with her whiny ass presence. I had no desire to hear her baby talk "Daddyyyyyyyyy" while enjoying my new baby.
"new born aren't hard." But
"new born aren't hard."
But for some women they are. Psychologically, yes.
again differs from child to
again differs from child to child LF - Deigma was a breeze, never cried, only ate every 4th hour and got changed then..
he was way to lazy to do anything else for the first 4 months... then all hell broke loose
I was thinking of that....
I was thinking of that.... c-section ladies are wussy.... they take the easy way out and not the hard way hours of constant pain and swearing....
nope they take the easy way out, sleeping or being way out drugged through the whole procedure, then they get to sleep in.... go home pretend not to be able to walk, show their scar to the other children, who automatically connects it with pain and then behaves...
ever tried to show scars of natural birth to a child... not gonna work i tell you so the kids at home does not see any proof and you have to be maid/nanny regardless if you can sit or not...
and they call us wussy?? tsk tsk tsk
wussy then..... at least you
wussy then..... at least you admit it
Thank you. Also, some babies
Thank you. Also, some babies are more difficult than others. I'm old enough to remember some differences even in my own siblings...and certainly with my niece and nephews. My first youngest sister was such an easy baby. Barely cried, started sleeping through the night early, always happy. Two of her three boys have been the exact same as she was...and one was a total nightmare. Constantly fussy, didn't want to sleep or nurse. Just impossible to please. My youngest little sister, when my mom was older, was a much different story as well. My mom got prenatal diabetes and preeclampsia and had to be put on bed rest for three weeks before the birth...then when my sister arrived she was colicky, finicky, needing to be held a lot...not sleeping much. Totally different. Though both my youngest sister and my nephew grew into a delightful, cuddly toddlers. They started out in life very fussy and difficult.
A lot of this has to do with age when you have your baby and other life circumstances. Since Bug already has a teen, I imagine this is a later in life pregnancy, which means she needs to be even more careful.
Also...it doesn't really matter how you "feel" when you return from the hospital. Scientfically, it takes your internal organs an entire year to reform into their natural shapes and places in your body. That's just a fact...your body is doing very real healing work for a long time, whether or not you personally notice or are able to handle it well.
The point is. If Bug wants time alone with her baby, or needs to recuperate, then fine. Her body, her choice. Or does that only apply when we're telling posters they should abort?
that's not gonna work... her
that's not gonna work... her boobs will be on display for a long long time, depending on how long she will breast feed..
but I do agree with you..... her decision...... unless DH gets the kids to help her around the clock and be quiet, I think her major concern is, coming home and immediately have to cook and clean and prepare food and she would rather spend that time with the new baby... and sleep.... she can't be expected to cater for all and not looking after herself
lol The new username. It
lol
The new username. It precedes her.
It seems the problem here is
It seems the problem here is DH and not the stepkids. HE allows this chaos to be inflicted upon you so work on him ... and maybe fib a little.
DH, I do not have a problem with Skids being here but I will be a mess of swollen boobs and bleeding like a stuck pig. Not to mention crazy hormones. And who knows what will happen? I am not a spring chicken and it may take a while for me to get that energy level back and God forbid I have complications and end up on bedrest! So maybe this is about the time SS needs to become more self sufficient and realise he is no longer the baby in your life and for EVERYONE to be mindful that baby needs priority. So no loud noises or crap or I will unleash the Banshee woman within me. Paper plates etc for the week they are here. And going into the future YOU are in charge of laundry. No piles of crap lying around the house. Laundry room or bedrooms. Not in the living room. Not in a pile in the hallways. If you want the kids to take care their own laundry, awesome!
I want quiet. I want peace. I want you to be at my beck and call. Your kids are all in high school and inside 5 years will all be out doing their own thing. So now is the time for them to learn how to take care of themselves for a week with adult supervision. Oh and do not THINK of running them to their friends place or the mall while you are home. If this happens I WILL be picking up the phone before the car is out of the driveway and inviting your mother over for a month. It boils down to this ...either you are home to help me and baby Bob or you are home to take care of your nearly grown up children. Just because you aren't at their beck and call does not mean you do not love them anymore. It means you trust them to do the right thing. However do not trust a woman who has just given birth and whose hormones will fluctuate like you have never seen. Just saying ...
If you are worried about who will be expected to clean up and meal-make for these teens then your problem isn't the kids but their father.
It's really starting to piss
It's really starting to piss me off, too.
Going to step away now...
She's a senior in high
She's a senior in high school. Great kid, will be working a summer job at the beach, and going to college in fall.
I appreciate everyone's
I appreciate everyone's comments. I think part of it is wanting to avoid the mess and chaos and have time to ourselves. I try to be brutally honest with myself though and I think a little bit of it IS territorial. Like DH has already made one or two comments and I have nearly bitten his his head off - I told him DH you realize you aren't raising this baby with your daughters right? SS is so incompetent (learned helplessness really) that SDs have really taken on a mother role to him in our house. And DH is the dad. And there have been comments dropped that make the think he/they are conceptualizing this baby the same way.
Example 1: we were discussing daycares. One was close to my work and one on the same campus as SD16 school. DH said (about the second) - oh that will be so great SD can visit babybug on her breaks! Nothing about how nice it would be for me, his mother who is you know nursing him, to see him on her lunch breaks.
Example 2: SD said something a few weeks ago about how she could not get a summer job because she would be home watching the baby. I told her SD of course you can get a job I will be home with the baby for 10 weeks of maternity leave! Then little bug goes to daycare. She was genuinely surprised. She's a great kid and I appreciate her being so helpful but I was kind of shocked she thought this!
So yeah I'd say it's 80 percent wanting peace and quiet and maybe 20 percent hormones and territorial stuff.
Ugh. I totally get the
Ugh.
I totally get the territorial thing. I felt strangely territorial when DH and I were discussing getting another dog to replace the one who passed last year. We had literally *just* agreed to do so one Monday morning when SD bounds in the room not five minutes later...stopped by on her way to school: "I hear we're getting a new dog this week!"
I was really put out. That means that DH must have texted her the minute that I agreed to the idea...or maybe even before. It was MY dog that I brought into the relationship that died...and my decision whether to get another one or not...and I can't even enjoy the thought for a morning before it becomes a DH and SD thing? Ugh, ugh, ugh.
We ended up not getting the dog.
I think it's OK to be a little territorial. Just bc your DH brought kids into the relationship doesn't mean you never get anything that's yours.
I feel you, WokeUpABug, and I
I feel you, WokeUpABug, and I hope everything falls into place for you.
My DH and I are sending my 5
My DH and I are sending my 5 year old stepdaughter away to BMs.
He doesn't feel bad about it because he thinks I should get the same experience as BM got, despite the fact that she ran off after and decided she didn't want to raise her kid lol.
I should get to have my husband in the hospital with me, and focused on our baby afterwards, and taking care of me. She had that so why shouldn't I? Yes, SD is already here and things are different because of that (she lives with us full-time) but my husband doesn't think I should have to miss out on what most people get when they have their first baby, especially when it's not damaging to SD in any way.
Like others have mentioned, intact families do this all the time so why shouldn't we? I get the one-on-one time with the baby (and so does DH) and SD gets to go have fun with her mom instead of sitting around the house while we're busy with the baby. It's a win-win situation.