The Coming to Live with Us Dream
Recently DH has been sliding in the "when she is 12 she might decide she wants to live with us" line. I'm confused about why he thinks this is a thing. This is how it came up last night:
Now that the roommate is gone our third room is my lady cave, new decorations to come. I was wistfully looking at pictures of bookshelves on my recliner by the window, taken from the living room, and SD8 is sitting on the arm looking over my shoulder. While browsing photos of course the subjects of books comes up. SD begins to read the back of a lotion bottle in the room and states that she has trouble reading and spelling. I thought she just meant out loud so I say that its not that big of a problem. I am an engineer and I still don't read aloud very well.
Then she says that spelling is really hard and they are thinking of holding her back to repeat the second grade. My immediate thought was how do you fail the second grade, they are still pushing you along at that point. My second more adult thought was, why is this the first time we are hearing about SD struggling in school so much. I remind myself to take DH to side to tell him about this.
When I do get to talk to him of course Mr. No GED is all about the value of a good education. He says he wants to talk to her about it and to BM. He thinks this might be the reason BM has been pushing to get SD in summer programs instead of spending the summer with us. It might be 5 percent of the reason but ok.
After we drop SD off he makes the comment of why did SD tell me that and not him. Well DH, it might be because you have a had time listening to anything that you don't particularly care about and that most conversations are you waiting for your chance to speak. I may not care for SD8 too much but I do care about her and when she speaks I listen to her.
He looked at me like I had a third boob. He said it had never occurred to him that he did that. He really wants to work on his relationship with SD and he will be more intentional about it. He said it had now occurred to him that the relationship won't just happen it will have to be worked on.
Then he said maybe if he could work on his relationship then she will want to live with us when she is 12. It seemed like he was having an "a ha" moment then it fizzled out with that statement. Or maybe I am thinking about it the wrong way.
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He tries to be hands on but
He tries to be hands on but he is still fighting to see her more.
In one instance I can see why he is so out of touch. BM won't tell him what school she goes to and SD8 always "never knows" but SD has told me her school colors and spelled her teachers names. He just doesn't listen.
SD8 living with us wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to me but it would be a test of endurance
This was me five years ago!!
This was me five years ago!! I knew it would be me that held all the info on the skids every day lives because DH wouldn't pay attention. They would come to me because I listened, so I knew it would be me raising them if they ever came to live with us. I knew my sanity and energy just wouldn't survive them and so I checked OUT long before the magic 'coming to live with us' age arrived. Lo and behold, DH dealing with them on his own has become a less appealing prospect and he hast mentioned it in years. Skids no longer come to me for anything, phew! I feel like I really dodged a bullet.
Thus would be a great sticky
Thus would be a great sticky post by itself. Thanks.
Great post! Totally agree
Great post! Totally agree with the first paragraph. Your DH and mine sound really alike. my DH never stepped up though, after many discussions about what I would put up with. I used to be appalled on behalf of skids, but now I'm grateful because custody is no longer an option that I would agree to.
DH occasionally says that
DH occasionally says that same thing, and we have the kids 50/50. He doesn't actually expect it to happen, but I don't know that there's any true* parent alive who doesn't have hope that their kids will be with them full time. And granted he usually says it after BM is particularly nasty or boneheaded. But still he would jump at the chance to have the kids here all the time.
And I agree with Rosalu about pointing out his communication issue gently being very well done.
*Sad that I have to clarify, but by true parent I mean parents who actually love their kids and want what's best for them, not just DNA-donors who care more about themselves than the kids.
Yeah Disney parenting +
Yeah Disney parenting + custody = BAD. SS10 once said he wants to live with DH and I after high school because he wants to play video games and go hunting all day. Once DH stopped laughing and picked himself up off the floor, they had a brief discussion of the chances of SD11, SS10, BS4 or BS1 bumming off of us after they were 'adults'. It did not end how SS10 thought it should.
I don't know that any kid would really think they have the power to change the status quo unless an adult told them they could. I just hope OP's DH doesn't pull the stunt of "think how much fun it will be living over here" without allowing the child to know the realities.
My SD25 was very close to DH
My SD25 was very close to DH when she was young and I mentally prepared myself for her coming to live with us eventually.
I can happily say, that it never came to fruition.
It's not one of those things that should just be decided on a whim and everybody is not going to necessarily be in agreement, even if your SD wants it one day.
My DH has an older daughter that I don't discuss much because she is out of the picture, but when she was 13, she was mad at her mom and told DH she wanted to live with us. When my DH told her what the rules of the house would be, he didn't hear another word about it.
There was a member with the
There was a member with the same problem of step kids coming and going a they pleased. Her name is blackhole. Sounds like you two have a lot in common.
Chef used to say that YSS was
Chef used to say that YSS was "different" than the older two and he would definitely be coming to live with us. I always tried not to spew coffee when he said that. "Different" translated into "as bad as SD and possibly worse."
Yes, DH told himself that SD
Yes, DH told himself that SD and SS would choose to live with us at 12. BM left and took skids to another country WITHOUT TELLING HIM so I think that was his way of coping with the sudden and massive loss.
I understood this was his plan from the moment we got together so I knew it was a possibility right from the start. As the skids were desperate for an adult to plug in and be interested in them, I knew from the moment I met them that this was actually a very real possibility. The problem was, he didn't do a good job of nurturing a relationship with them during visits or between visits. I knew that if they came to live with us that it would be me that was raising them and I would get lost in steplife. For a few years I tried to discuss the potential custody change with him, encouraged his relationship with them, totally overfunctioned, asked him for what I needed, waited for him to engage with them, set boundaries, parent etc etc.
When I realized that he was just not going to be a plugged in parent to them, would not be an active manager of any custody change and was totally delusional about the strength of his relationship with them, I disengaged. I resolved to myself that I would never live with the skids, such products of their parenting that they were. I was at peace that I had tried to prepare us all for his wish to live with them, but that as he had repeatedly demonstrated a lack of ability to do what was healthy and fair to everyone that I was no longer under any obligation to agree to custody. I disengaged HARD at that point.
As I disengaged and DH was left to his own devices, he has been even less engaged with them and their relationship is distant and strained. He hasn't mentioned custody in years now and I Know he no longer wants that. ive learned that he only does things consistently when they are important to him, especially if they make him uncomfortable, so I assume that the effort involved just wasn't worth it to him. Sad really, but that's on him. He will have to answer to skids one day, I'm sure.
ETA: I should also own that my disengagement was strategic, as well as the healthy choice. I knew that DH would fail to engage if I stepped back, and that skids would have to realize I was not going to be an option for filling their giant DH and BM shaped voids. I'm not going to lie, it felt to let it all go to dust.
The "living with us" fantasy
The "living with us" fantasy was ME. Grandkids close in age to my own kid. Family.
Not cute stepgrandkids. Stepgrandson met me for the first time at age 4 ... circle thumb, forefinger left hand, right index finger poking into it -- "So, are you the one f*cking (first name SO)." We took the boys swimming at a lake two years ago, my BS reported that he had never heard so many "f*cks" while a kid was trying to tie his shoe. Alternative schools due to sexual/physical behavior. State stepped in more than once with all grandkids and took custody, only to return it to the biodads.
I had the fantasy of raising SGS now 8/11 with SGD 13 and my BS 15. My SO, flinched. Thank Heavens.
State stepped in and things seem to be better for the boys. SGD-13 moved an hour away to a different state and school district for a new start --- had nothing to do with her parents hiding electric car from the repo or flunking out of college in their mid-30's ... shedding bills.
SGD-13 maintains informal weekly visitation and we've added informal visitation with the boys. It is taxing in a way that makes me happy that SO "flinched." 'Shrugged' has more deliberation, though. ('Atlas Shrugged' reference deliberate.)