Fair?
There is a lot of history but this the most recent incident that led to a fight between SO & I. In our house, all kids do their own laundry, deal with their own rooms & when school is out have everyday chores. No extra chores when school is in session.
SS11 & DS10 take turns making the koolaid. SD15 & DD13 are supposed to take turns making the tea. These are year round, not just over the summer. SO & I do not make either (unless we are feeling generous) b/c we do not drink them. In the last 2 months, SD15 has made tea 2 times. SO has made it once. DD13 has made it every other time which is roughly 9-10 times. Making tea is a 10 min. job at most.
SD15 & SS11 are upstairs having supper (my kids were with ExH). I mention to SO that there is no tea b/c the jug is in the sink. He says to me "well, SD15 made it last" while SD15 is smirking at me behind SO's back. I say "well, SD15 has only made it twice in 2 months". Nothing happens. SD15 goes downstairs still with a smirk on her face.
Hours later, I go into the kitchen to make tea. SO says "what are you doing?" I told him that I was making tea b/c if SD15 doesn't have to make it then neither should DD13. I tell him that I should not be making it either b/c he should have made SD15 do it while she was up here b/c like I said before, she has made it 2 times compared to DD13's 9-10 times. He loses his shit & flies off about the same thing he always does "I hate his kids". So now, he has been giving me the silent treatment for the last week, which is what he always does.
Just for reference, I am disengaged, his kids are there full time, my kids are 50/50. My question is, how would you deal with this situation? It isn't fair for DD13 to keep making tea & SD15 to keep drinking it up without contributing. How do you go about things like this when you are disengaged. If DD13 didn't drink it & only SD15 drank it, I would not give a flying f***. But DD13 drinks it also & should not be the only one making it, especially when she is not there even 1/2 the amount of time SD15 is there.
I would also like to mention that SD15 is not too busy for this once a week 10 min task. She goes out at best once a month, is not loaded down with homework & her room is absolutely disgusting so she isn't doing anything to prevent her from making tea except sitting in her room staring at her phone or her TV.
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I'd label and tea jug for DD
I'd label and tea jug for DD as hers. She makes it she gets it SD15 can have her own jog too.
I would settle it by not
I would settle it by not caring what his kids had to drink, not now, not then, not never. On the weekends my kids are home I would buy them individual bottles of whatever they wanted, childish, maybe, but I am person that likes to drive a point.
^^^^^ Been there done that
^^^^^ Been there done that ^^^^
Buy your DD the flavored singles and let her keep them in her room
I could see how this would be
I could see how this would be frustrating, but this happens even between siblings.
If your DD wants tea enough, even if it's not her turn to make it, then she can make it. If it irritates her that SD isn't doing her part more than her desire for tea, then she can sit and wait for SD to stop being lazy and make it.
I don't really see this as something for parents to get involved in, if the parents aren't drinking it...natural consequences.
My SD13 is lazy as all get out, SD11 is not and SD13 gets SD11 to do her stuff all the time.
My idea of Heaven involves a
My idea of Heaven involves a lot of sweet tea.
I completely agree except for
I completely agree except for Red Diamond. That stuff tastes like my grandmother's tea. But anything else is GROSS.
This New York Yankees with
This New York Yankees with southern roots can not drink iced tea without a ton of sugar. And nope, add sugar to a glass of tea isn't the same thing.
The sugar has to be added to
The sugar has to be added to the entire pitcher. Just putting it in the glass doesn't work.
Totally agree, that's why I
Totally agree, that's why I said I don't see a need for the parents to get involved in it. The way I see it SD would have natural consequences if DD only made the tea when she wanted it, or when it was her turn..because SD would have to go without as well.
That's the way I do it too.
That's the way I do it too. The key is the sugar has to be waiting in the pitcher. I don't know why, it just does.
Do the kids even care about
Do the kids even care about this? :? My sister and I would have been fighting about NOT being to make the drinks.
I'm willing to be your daughter WANTS to be the one making the tea.
Why would even you bother to keep track of something so petty?
The point is more than likely
The point is more than likely her daughter doesn't give a damn about this non issue.
Making noise about petty crap, will just guarantee that you are ignored or dismissed when you have a true complaint.
Tea bags LOLOLOL I don't
Tea bags :? :?
LOLOLOL
I don't measure anything, but what I do is fill a pot up with cold water. Toss in a bunch of tea bags. Let it come to a boil, then add in a bunch of sugar. Stir, let it sit for a bit before pouring into a pitcher.
i take my coffee as altered
i take my coffee as altered as possible (pleeennnnnty of cream and sugar) but hot tea? nope, that's gotta be straight up plain. i love green tea, some of the flavored greens are good too (orange pomegranate i think is my favorite!!!)
iced tea, or sweet tea as it's known here, is a staple of southern households. dh makes it w/ 4 jumbo bags, boiled then steeped, then poured into a gallon pitcher w/ 1c of sugar and topped off w/ cold water. it's yummy. and yes, the sugar HAS to be waiting in the pitcher
I only drink hot tea when I'm
I only drink hot tea when I'm sick. And then it's with milk and sugar. If I have a sore throat, then I will skip the milk and sugar and use honey and lemon.
Make a chart on the fridge so
Make a chart on the fridge so they know who's turn it is.
If it were my home I would
If it were my home I would stop caring who makes the tea. Let the kids sort it out.
If you don't drink it, then let them deal with it. SO maybe SD15 will get over for a while by not making it. That is up to SD13 to take a stand about it.
Eventually SD13 will get sick of letting SD15 take advantage of it and handle it herself or stop making it all together.
By complaining about something so trivial, you are giving SD15 power and pissing your DH off.
Not something worth causing a week long stand off over.
This is really great advice.
This is really great advice. My parents tried to not get involved in refereeing my brother and me. At those ages, they can figure it out. If one kid gets sick of the other kid getting out of doing their share, they will figure out how to deal with it themselves.
Maybe the SD13 will decide to stop drinking tea and then if SD15 wants it, she will HAVE to do it. Also, I'm just saying that unless you are incredibly observant, and there ALL.THE.TIME, you may have missed some times when the other kid WAS making tea. It may not be as one sided as you think. One kid might just be whining more about making it than the other?
This isn't a battle I would let infiltrate my marriage.
Chart!
Chart!
giggle s t i c k e r
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Tee hee
Tee hee
I would either stop buying
I would either stop buying the tea and Koolaid and the kids can drink either water or milk (their dentists will be happier) or I would just let the kids sort it out between themselves and advise your daughter that she does not have to make the tea if she doesn't want to.
I would buy your DD bottles
I would buy your DD bottles of tea, and she can have them whenever she wants. This is a no win situation with DH, IMO. Your SD can drink water, or drink nothing. She wants to be lazy, let her. If your DH wants to make it for SD from now until she's 50, so be it. He's the stupid one.
DH and I have battled over these stupid things too, so I started doing things differently.
We've had ridiculous incidents around sweets, so I don't buy them or make them anymore. If I want something sweet, I get it for myself. If my son wants it, he can get it (he's 21 and at college).
SD whines that we don't have anything good to eat (meaning crap food) - and that's because I don't cater to her and DH doesn't shop for her.
Thank you. I was all who
Thank you. I was all who gives a s**t about the tea? My question is why the hell she putting up a weeklong silent treatment from her H?
This reminds me of the book,
This reminds me of the book, "The dance of anger." In it the author talks about how women often act out and express the emotions of others. You're expressing anger on behalf of dd13 who is not even there and now you and DH are fighting about something that should be an only be an issue between the girls, if they even care about it.
Just consider that DD may not see a problem with the arrangement. If dd has not made it an issue then let sleeping dogs lie. She may enjoy her chore and not keep tabs on how much sd is drinking since she is only there half the time. It's almost impossible to be "fair" to all the kids all of the time especially when steps are involved and custody is all over the place.
I get the no talking here
I get the no talking here too. Over anything I say about SD Good or Bad. If I mention her name Daddy bear is ready to attack. Frack it. I don't look or say anything to her at all. I am to the point now that if she says hello, I pretend I don't hear her. I get the silent treatment for that as well.
It sounds as if DD drinks
It sounds as if DD drinks more tea than SD if she's made it 9-10 times in 2mo but only there 50% of the time. It appears DD notices and wants to drink more of the tea... so let her make it.
Find a different chore to assign SD that SD has to do. She'll obviously have to make her own tea when DD is at DD's Dad's or go without. So her laziness ended up with an additional chore all month and tea duty for herself on non-DD weeks.
Wanna bet how soon her smirk vanishes?
I think you need to tell your
I think you need to tell your DH this isn't a "me vs skid" problem because this happens among siblings all the time. Remind him of that and then let it be. Your daughter wasn't even there to have to go without. I think you need to let her deal with it with Skid. You're right it isn't fair but it also isn't your battle and it's just causing you and your DH to fight...over tea. I am strongly against you segregating teas or going to single bottles. That's just going to prove your DH right about the situation and not fix anything at all.
I agree with you on this.
I agree with you on this. Has DD complained to you that she's always making tea? Is she the one that drinks the most? If she doesn't, then should this annoy her too? Your husband's excuse that SD made tea the last time doesn't hold. It doesn't matter. If the deal is that SD or DD makes tea whenever it runs out, then SD should have been told to make tea.
I agree with the others. You're problem is with DH. If he said that SD made it last and she smirked in response, you need to tell DH that if he's too oblivious to know. It is disrespectful and undermining to you and DD. Personally, if I was getting the silent treatment instead of DH communicating with me, I'd make the kids label pitchers as well.
Who buys bottled tea?!?!?!
Who buys bottled tea?!?!?! Lol
Drama over nothing..... this
Drama over nothing..... this is a no brainer, why should you make tea, you are not drinking it are you?
I would go with every one makes their own tea, I will simply tell DD - get a bottle and make your own, then store it in your room... put a lock on it, cause marking the tea with her name is going to encourage skids to drink it..
Say nothing to DH anymore cause he's an idiot. If skids complain DD can simply answer, I do not drink tea anymore, or just I just make tea for me.... it's better this way, you use too much sugar, not enough sugar... some shitty reason lol.
Why did you make a fuss about it....your kid where not even there - who cares if there's tea or not?
Buy your daughter a smaller
Buy your daughter a smaller container that she drinks directly out of so SD will quit drinking the tea.
I'm going to try to respond
I'm going to try to respond to everything that was said. First off, yes, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, it is a ridiculous fight. SO loses his cool over ANYTHING I say about his kids b/c I "hate his kids" which is his excuse for everything even when he knows that what I am saying is right. If this situation were reversed & SD15 was making tea all the time & DD13 was drinking it up but not contributing, you can bet that something would have been said to me a LONG time ago about it.
My kids are 50/50 custody with my ex but it is the 2-2-3 schedule so my daughter was going to be there the next day & that is the main reason that I made it that evening. If I had not, DD13 would have ended up coming home the next day & had to make it.
As to how we make it, we buy the tea bags at the store. Boil a pot of water (2-3 mins), throw the tea bags in (5-7 mins), pour the tea in the gallon pitcher that has the sugar in it, fill the rest of the way with cold water & stir. So 10-15 min task. So, it's not exactly possible for them to make their own unless they make an entire gallon for themselves, which I actually thought about doing, but SO would throw a fit about it.
DD13 does not drink more than SD15. If anything, she drinks less b/c she is there 1/3 of the time that SD15 is b/c DD13 is with her dad half the time & out with friends a lot. SD15 is literally there ALL THE TIME. Besides school & going somewhere with a friend like once every couple of months, she NEVER leaves.
Yes, DD13 has complained to me before about being the only one that makes the tea. Yes, she has complained to SD15 about her never making the tea but SD15 will just ignore her, not make tea but then continue to drink the tea that DD13 has eventually made b/c she got fed up waiting on SD15 to do it. They are the only 2 who drink the tea besides SS11 occasionally having a glass if the koolaid is out or DS2 occasionally will want some. The problem is, DD13 will make it when it's out b/c she likes to drink tea, however, SD15 will just start drinking something else when the tea runs out until DD13 makes the tea AGAIN, then SD15 will start drinking the tea. That is my problem with it. SD15 is too lazy to make it & will just wait until DD13 makes it & then drink more than half of it.
Why does your SO defend his
Why does your SO defend his kid's laziness and selfishness? My DH would be pissed if his daughter acted like your SD15.
If your SO gives you the silent treatment for a week over something like this, I'd say there are bigger issues in the relationship.
Good gravy.. the silent
Good gravy.. the silent treatment for a WEEK over making tea?? I would have told him to pull his twisted panties out of his ass on day one and stop acting like a man baby try being a parent! WTF?