Anyone ever buy or consider a duplex house to deal with steplife?
After 3.5 years of marriage, and SD21 ruining my lovely bathroom by getting permanent blue hair dye all over everything (including my marble vanity top) the night before last, I have accepted that I cannot live with my DH and his three “kids,” ages 21, 18, and 15. I’m just so sick of cleaning up after these people.
On top of that, DH has stated that he’d “love it” if all of his kids chose to live there into adulthood. Since their parents have taught them very well to freeload and take without giving (poor CODs, after all), that’s a real possibility.
I’m seriously (and I do mean seriously) toying with the idea of insisting that we buy a duplex home if this marriage is to continue.
DH and his kids can live in/trash one side, and me and the dog can maintain a nice place on the other. We can visit each other as desired, sleep over in each other’s sides when the urge hits, do enjoyable things together, and then I can go home when the blue hair dye comes out.
Has anyone else had success with this, or known someone who has?
Has anyone thought seriously about buying a duplex or suggested it to DH?
Honestly, it seems like the perfect answer to the problems in this marriage. It really does.
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I would just think it would
I would just think it would then be 2 houses that the skids have access to.
Oh, no. No skid would ever
Oh, no. No skid would ever darken the door on "my" side.
Jasper, after reading your
Jasper, after reading your story, if potato was my skid, anywhere within walking distance would be too close.
I think too if its so bad
I think too if its so bad that you have to live apart then you might as well just split up. Not sure that separate homes will fix the issues. Maybe give some temporary relief. I know some people have done it, it just wouldn't work for DH and I.
A she shed!
A she shed!
I would love to tell the
I would love to tell the skids "we are moving in 8 weeks and you are not moving with us." I really would. DH/their father wouldn't go for that, though.
A duplex seems like the perfect solution. They can sponge off him over there into their 40s if he allows, and he can clean up after them or not, just as he wants.
MY half of the house would be freeloader free and clean/decorated the way I like.
"...you don't want to live
"...you don't want to live with him either...why be married? why be a couple?"
That's the 800-lb. gorilla in the room. We probably should not stay together. This was the only way I could think of to possibly make it work.
Just trying to avoid another broken marriage, ya know?
No. No, I am not keen on DH,
No. No, I am not keen on DH, his ways or his kids. In my heart, I want out. I frequently look at apartment/home listings and daydream about living alone again. Yeah, that's not a good sign.
Then I wouldn't do the
Then I wouldn't do the duplex. What if the marriage doesn't work out? You will be stuck living right next to them until you find something else, then you will have to move again.
Then... you have your answer.
Then... you have your answer.
Yup. This is how I will
Yup. This is how I will finally be rid of SS26. We are moving out of state next year and he has already been told that we are going and he'll have to figure out a new place to live. I'm really not sure how long SS would be living in our back house if we were not relocating; he has not been making any moves to be out on his own, despite his age.
That said, SS being in our back house and not actually IN our house has been a saving grace the last five years. I really don't think I could have survived his smelly, messy,up all night video game playing self if I'd had to live with him directly under my roof. The back house smells like sweat and cat litter, and I'd have killed him and myself if I had to live with that!
Yes, we could sell our
Yes, we could sell our current home and buy a duplex. Certainly.
DH can do whatever he wants on his side of the house. Skids wanna live their forever? Go for it!
Just stay the hell outta my side.
I know there are people who
I know there are people who have done this, but I don't think that is much of a "marriage" if you have to live apart.
This is the part I'm not so
This is the part I'm not so sure about. Just because it doesn't fit the conventional idea of "what married people do," does that make it a bad idea? I just don't know.
We got along great before marriage/living together. We have a lot of shared interests outside of the home.
We just have problems living together. I'm clean/he's a slob/his kids are unimaginable, entitled slobs and they're not mine and so I resent cleaning up after them.
And I've tried. Dear God, how
And I've tried. Dear God, how I've tried. I've really tried to like his kids. You have to believe me.
But I don't like them. I find them to be selfish, entitled, and ungrateful. That's my own observation, made with my own eyes.
What can I do about that?
What can you do about that?
What can you do about that? Nothing.. they are who they are. If you hate the taste of mayonnaise you can't MAKE yourself enjoy it by eating it every day. If you hate the way skids act you can't MAKE yourself like them by subjecting yourself to their crappy behavior every day... in fact quite the opposite is more likely to happen, where you dislike them more and more. And your DH's declaration that he wants them to live with him as lonnngggg as they can? WTH man?
Do the 21 year old and 18 year old have a job? What the heck to do they all day and night? I don't understand why any grown ass adult would want to live at home with mommy and daddy. But then again, I was raised in a much different environment so probably why I don't get it.
*giggles* any one else have 4
*giggles* any one else have 4 non-blondes on the brain?
sorry OP, not making light of your situation. maybe it'll make you chuckle
Not for steplife but for
Not for steplife but for other types of illnesses--specifically Alzheimer's.
One of my teachers who I was very close with took care of her husband's mother and father--the mother was bedridden dementia, father was physically up but had alzheimer's and dementia. They had day aide's and night aide's so they were never alone. They weren't in a duplex but a mother-daughter type house. One unit was upstairs where she lived, and the other was downstairs where they stayed.
I think if they had to live together fully, she would have lost her mind. This way she maintained a sort of safe space for herself but could still look after them.
I wouldn't mind doing this with my parents if they needed it. Cheaper than a nursing home that's for sure.
I have often thought this
I have often thought this would have been the perfect solution -- some sort of two-family home. We would live in our half when the skids weren't here and he and they would occupy the other half when they came for visitation. Talk about significantly lowering stress levels.
I would just live on the upper floor if it was an upstairs/downstairs two family home.
I have HATED having to share my home with two heathens who neither parent parents.
Give it a try and see if it
Give it a try and see if it works.
I think you need to keep all finances separate if you don't already and make sure you are on the same page about wills and retirement. Also have an agreement in place to deal with the duplex if it doesn't work. A postnup maybe?
I doubt you'd ever go over to his/skids side. I think he'd be spending much more time on your side. Make sure you factor that in when you are splitting the costs.
So what if it doesn't work and you end up divorced anyway? This way you can say that you tried.
Who knows it just might work for you and then everyone is happy.
There was a poster here a
There was a poster here a while back who lived like this. Her and her SO co-habituated until the skid(s) came over then she went to her side of the duplex that was off limits to the skid(s) until they left again.
I was just reading the thread
I was just reading the thread thinking about the same poster(I presume). From what I remember she found it a great solution to be able to shut the skids out when they were too much and have her own space. I think it is a good solution for some circumstances (and if it is afordable). Sure, there probably are still irritations but at least you can still live with your partner right there and keep some personal space.