Are these men ever worth it?
I’m at a really low point in my marriage, where I’m sick of my husband always putting BM and his kids before me.
We’ve only been married two years. I definitely don’t respect him, and I’m starting to wonder if I love him anymore. After all the baggage he brought to this relationship, he dares to point the finger at me whenever anything goes wrong, like when I try to set up some boundaries with his BM (I have long since given up on his kids).
I have an appointment Tuesday after work to meet with a marriage counselor. He refuses to go, of course, because he’s “not having any problems.”
If only I had done the research, a simple Google search for “marrying a man with kids,” I would not be in this situation right now.
If only my mom were alive. She might say something like, “Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.” The answer to that question is just not clear anymore.
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Comments
You are going to get a lot of
You are going to get a lot of advice to leave from women that will not even leave their own horrible situations. (Sweet Pea being the exception)...IMHO...take that advice with a grain of salt.
Absolutely keep the therapy appointment even if DH does not go. You loved this man enough to marry him 2 years ago. Try some therapy before thinking divorce. Unless their is abuse, alcoholism or adultery. Then you need to leave asap.
What are your main issues with your DH?
Well, he is absolutely averse
Well, he is absolutely averse to any kind of confrontation with BM.
Problem #1: Their oldest (SDstb20) child now lives away at college and DH pays almost all of her tuition, room and board bill. The remaining balance is covered by grants and loans. We're talking about $14,000 per year being paid by DH. Guess what BM has paid toward her education? That's right. Nada. Zip. Zilch. What Paddy shot at. (Their CO says nothing about college costs, btw.)
We live in NY, where the gravy train runs until the "child" is 21, so he absolutely still owes support for his daughter, which he is paying, in spades, to the institution where she now lives. The problem? He's also still paying BM the same amount of support he paid when his daughter lived at home with her mother.
Problem #2: Their youngest child (SS14) has lived with us almost exclusively for months now. He has spent maybe three nights in the last two months at his mom's house. I don't know why; he just seems to prefer our house now. The problem: DH is also still paying BM the same amount of support he paid when his son lived at home with his mother.
Anyway, he refuses to have his attorney look at the situation and even consider altering his support payments, IF that's an option. He claims he pays BM not to support his children, but to "shut up and go away," and that she is to receive the same amount of money every week regardless of how many, if any, children live with her.
Sadly, it seems you married a
Sadly, it seems you married a "Chef" And in pro-BM New York that is a triple whammy. He sounds just like Chef. Doesn't want to confront the BM, has no money after CS and taxes and wants me to pay for the privilege of having him around because he can turn a wrench. Meanwhile he runs living expenses up much, much higher than I would because "he's worth it."
Oh and he would NOT go to counseling either because he's Mary Poppins. . . "practically perfect in every way." Heard that ol' chestnut line that he'll pay what he has to keep the BM's mouth shut and in this case, the skids away (they're PASed out; the only bright side of anything for me). Had to drag him kicking and screaming to get a downward mod on CS that the BM has been collecting overpayments for YEARS. That and the oldest literally moving out of the BM's household and not saying anything about it (thank you, fakebook acct!)
Yep, a Chef.
My DH does sound a lot like
My DH does sound a lot like your Chef, except he is very cheap. He definitely does not run up bills. I haven't yet figured out if he's naturally frugal, or if it's a coping mechanism in response to years of BM-induced poverty.
Other than that, it's possible we're married to the same man. (Oh, wait...mine can't cook for shit, so I'd never give him the moniker "Chef.")
Ok...so your problem is
Ok...so your problem is mainly with money right? I totally understand that!
Does DH make good money? Is he putting you in a bind because of him funding SDs college?
Do you have separate accounts?
I am on the fence about this...I see both sides. (His side) If it was my kid and my money and I wanted to help her though college, I would. And I would be pissed if anyone tried to tell me not too.
(your side) I would not be mad about the college unless it was putting us in a bind. I would be pissed about him still paying support for a kid that lives with you. But since SD is close to aging out, would he consider a custody change for SS once SD is over 21? It would be easier to just have the one kid involved in the CS issue than two.
Oh, I don't care about him
Oh, I don't care about him paying for his daughter's college. That's not the problem.
I care about him paying for his daughter's college and still ALSO paying support to her mother for this same child.
Unfortunately in NY, you
Unfortunately in NY, you don't stop paying the CS while the child is away at college even if you are paying for college. The courts will at most give you a partial credit. They still consider the child going back home to the CP during weekends, breaks and therefore they still should receive the money. Not saying I agree just what we were told. Often times, it will cost you more to go to court to get the credit than the credit will amount to.
Nothing in NY CS law
Nothing in NY CS law surprises me. NOTHING. I read a story a while ago on some news site about a man in this shitty state who was in deep trouble for not paying child support for a child...get this...whom DNA tests prove HE DIDN'T FATHER! He never established a relationship with the child, because he didn't think it could be his because of timing, but the BM put him on the birth certificate. (I don't know how that works because I never had kids...does a man have to consent to be on a birth certificate?)
Even now, when it has been proven that he did not start this pregnancy, he's still in deep shit with New York State.
Maybe NY is different, but
Maybe NY is different, but where I live if a couple isn't married, not only does the guy have to consent, he has to sign a form saying he consents, get it notarized, and send it with the birth certificate application. Otherwise he's not *allowed* to be on the birth certificate.
The only thing I can think of is if they were still legally married at the time then his name could go on the birth certificate without his "permission".
Yeah, he's terrified of
Yeah, he's terrified of conflict with BM. I don't see that ever changing. They've already been divorced 13 years. If he's not done being afraid of her by now, he never will be.
So, my task is to find a way to make peace with BM robbing my husband every Friday for at least 7 more years.
my task is to find a way to
my task is to find a way to make peace with BM robbing my husband every Friday for at least 7 more years
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nope..your task is to find a way to make peace with DH allowing BM to rob him every Friday.
Do you work? Can you split finances?
Oh, it's much harder now that
Oh, it's much harder now that you clarified that statement for me. MUCH harder. But thank you for making me take my head out of my ass.
Yes, I work. And yes, we could split finances. But unless I want to eat Ramen noodles for dinner every night and keep the thermostat on 50 and rent a shitty apartment instead of living in a nice home, I really don't have any choice but to "make up" for what DH gives to this woman.
Not since you wrote this: "I
Not since you wrote this: "I definitely don’t respect him, and I’m starting to wonder if I love him anymore."
What would make you respect him? Have you ever respected him? Because if you don't, you should split. I'm so sorry! I've been there and it's the reason why I divorced... without respect for your man, you have nothing...and if you can't respect the way that he handles other women, your lack of respect will turn into resentment then rage. Better to get out while you still have a shred of love for him.