Are you open to your husband having an apartment to take his to during his visitation?

I'm a teacher, so I hear you loud and clear on protecting your career. I wouldn't allow those kids back in my home either. But my choice would be to end the marriage or live apart until his kids are adults.

Make sure you are never alone with any of the kids. Put nanny cams in your house to record evidence that nothing happens. Lock any private papers or rooms that you do not want the kids snooping in (their mother may ask them to get information for her or they may do it off thier own backs). Counciling sounds like a good place to start. Also consider if your husband can have his visitation elsewhere, perhaps at a relatives house or a hotel or perhaps you can stay away for the days they visit until you feel happier with the situation. You could still meet up with them for dinner or other activities so that you can try to repair the relationship if that is what you want. You are taking a huge risk by doing this, while you should encourage your husband to reconnect with his kids, it should not be at your expense and there are ways to separate and protect yourself from them. Well done for thinking this through first.

You're not clear on what's been happening, but I would. Otherwise risk my livelihood. Have him visit outside the home.

Husbands can come and go, but you'll need your career and income for the rest of your life.

No way would I take this chance with my livelihood, do not gamble with your financial foundation. They can all walk away and leave you with nothing, not to mention your self-esteem seriously compromised.

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, according to research studies.

I like the ideas of encouraging him to see them outside the home, to start, if you can swing it. I had a really terrible OSD...from when she was about 12-17 or 18 or so. Got along with the other two just fine and still do. There were times when DH allowed her to skip visitation in order to protect us, me, and the other two children (she not only said some pretty horrible things to all of us, but she would often hit and scratch and otherwise attack her two younger siblings...at 15, 16, 17 years old. Very, very stunted emotionally and socially). According to BM OSD "never did stuff like that" at her house...just at ours. So, while we did have her for visitation occasionally, DH often just saw her outside the home. At the time, I found it a little ridiculous...like, can't these grown-ups see that she's just abusing the other kids verbally and physically in order to get stuff? No rules at our house when she comes...taken out on trips and to restaurants by DH when she doesn't. But, ultimately, I'm glad DH maintained a relationship with her, such as it was, through it all.

She's now 19 almost 20 and has been coming around more and more over the past year. At first, DH connected with her only outside of our home...but for the past 6 months or so she's come over every other week or so to have dinner or lunch or join us for a party or a movie...and once she came over and helped us with a yard project. I was in total shock. She's also joined MY family for two events this summer, and they've all been amazed by the change as well.

I say all this to say...kids CAN and do grow up and change, even stepkids. And sometimes they don't. For us, It's a relatively new change, so I'm still a little leary and expecting to be attacked at any moment...but so far so good. Again, though, we let her go after she turned 18...she started making the overtures, and we started slow. I'd recommend letting your DH work on rebuilding the relationship on his own first, outside of your home. Don't be too involved or overly excited if they show an interest in being part of your household...don't be too eager one way or the other. Just wait and see...and protect yourself. No reason to put up with any mistreatment at this point.

How old are the children? 10 years ago with enough mind to make false accusations. Are they adults now? If they are, there's really no issue with being involved (since it's not a "risk" as they wouldn't be minors) BUT if and ONLY IF they apologize and verbalize their understanding of just how damaging what they tried to do was--as in destroying someone's livelihood. If they can't own up to it, even a mistake they may have made as a child, there's no point in getting involved. Your husband can spend time with them on his time and outside of your home, but I wouldn't give two thoughts to allowing them in mine.

Why would you even entertain this nonsense?

You say you've never stood in the way of your DH having a relationship with his kids, just not in your home because of their past false accusations which could end your career. You say your DH has no problem with this.

So why make one? Let sleeping dogs lie. Leave things as they are.

It sounds like it's as good as it's going to get. DH gets to see and parent his kids whenever he wants and you keep your sanity and lively hood. It's tempting to get sucked back into step family dynamics 100% because "they've changed" or "they're better now." Keep your world parallel from theirs, and remember that BM's marital status should have no bearing on YOUR life at all.

Why would he need a relationship with his ex, now that they are divorced? I think I'd attempt to get over the allegations, but I'd be sure to protect myself unless they were adults. Public places. People around. That kind of thing. How long ago were the allegations? Did I miss that?

There is absolutely no upside to you trying to form a relationship with those children. NONE.

Wow, so it's been a long time since you updated... And you leave a lot out.

How did you get from SD threatening/trying to commit suicide and her being on the path to coming to live with you full time to she's banned from your house because she accused you of abuse?

You also have a son that is now 8ish? And a daughter of your own? Is she still a minor?

I don't know how your family got to this place, but just from the broad strokes, I would tell DH he needs to start relationship repair himself, outside the home. I would not risk losing my children over false accusations or lose my career.

The skids are what, 14 and 11 now? If they've been pretty well entrenched with BM and she's been bringing them up to think that crazy is normal, then yeah, I would think a therapist is probably going to be a waste of time and money at this point.

Same - I think BM wants "free" time to herself so now she wants to encourage your DH to finally have that relationship with the kids that has been strained for 10 years. I wouldn't make any special efforts - 10 years and those type of accusations just don't go away - or heal - just because BM finally wants you to force a relationship. So how old are they now? If they are teens they could care less to get to know you at all. Don't waste your time, don't have them to your house (protect your career!), have Dh visit them outside of the house - maybe you will join on occasion but I wouldn't change my other plans for it. Too much water under the bridge.