punishment for teen attitude
how do you all go about punishing a teen for major attitude and snark? overall a "good" kid, has a job, gets great grades in school, yet has a completely entitled attitude and is rude and disrespectful in the house. (and i obviously would not be doing the punishing, just asking for reference 
)
she is not super social, so grounding her is not really an option, and taking a phone away just means she sleeps or goes to her room. nothing seems to phase her.
thoughts?
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Don't do anything for her if
Don't do anything for her if she has an attitude, she can wash her own clothes, cook her own meals, buy her own items she needs, etc.
she is with us 50/50. i do
she is with us 50/50. i do not have my own bios. she will say F-you to her father, is nasty and rude to her sister, claims she doesn't have to do things around the house because it's not her responsibility, curses often. like i said, it's mainly a really negative, nasty attitude. complains if DH mentions he and I are going on a trip later in the year (her perspective that she is owed an out of country vacation). can generally be exhausting with attitude and demands. DH has started to pull away one on one time with her to show her that her actions can have the consequence of pushing people away.
overall, good kid: doesn't smoke, drink, party, hang with bad kids etc.
is the attitude stuff pretty normal? i was a very different teenager haha.
she is mid-teen and i am in
she is mid-teen and i am in my mid/late 30s
If SD was 17 and SM was 24 it
If SD was 17 and SM was 24 it would matter. SD would see them more as peers and she would not get any respect. That's just how it goes.
If SD was 17 and SM was 24 it
If SD was 17 and SM was 24 it would matter. SD would see them more as peers and she would not get any respect. That's just how it goes.
No one is saying it's ok,
No one is saying it's ok, it's just likely that a very young SM will not get respect from a teen SD.
She's presumably asking how
She's presumably asking how you punish on behalf of her BF, so she may talk to BF about some of the things posters suggest or intervene on BF's behalf. If there was no respect due to a small age gap it could exacerbate the situation instead of help.
no this is not normal. F U to
no this is not normal. F U to her father? No not normal that HE tolerates that.Why does he tolerate that?
Hell yes she should help out around the house.
Seriously, that attitude needs to be reigned in big time. She should have absolutely no perks or family privaleges until she adjusts her attitude. No meals cooked by you or with the family, no snacks, no special shampoo or conditioner, no new clothes, no wifi access, no TV, nothing. I would strip her room down to a mattress on the floor, a blanket and one change of clothes, with the door removed, as well.
Exactly. I also think if
Exactly. I also think if she's not picking up after herself, throw whatever stuff of hers straight in the garbage. If you can't take care of it, you don't deserve to own it.
no regular chores and we have
no regular chores and we have many positive and fun family times (see my other response above
agreed that he is having to
agreed that he is having to back-pedal, he even admits that. the question is more, what are consequences that a teen who is not very social feel? he takes experiences/fun times away; i'm just curious if there are other ideas?
yes, i do and don't step in
yes, i do and don't step in with her. i don't view it as my place and choose to let him handle it. i was mainly curious what constitutes "normal" teen behaviour and attitude these days (i like to manage my expectations) and he agrees with me and does not support me financially at all.
he did not address it with
he did not address it with her previously (prior to me) and is now having to re-adjust. he will be the first to admit that he did not do a great job with her when she was younger and was not a disciplinarian/made excuses for her; he is done doing that now and recognizes the need for change. and i was responding to someone's question about "family activities" i did not feel the need to correct her and refer to it as "group."
i'll be more literal next time in my responses.
i don't want my own bio kids.
i don't want my own bio kids. i never said i didn't like kids or anything that would insinuate anything about my relationship with her father.
Grrrr.. this is the BM crap I
Grrrr.. this is the BM crap I can't stand. The damned if you do damned if you don't. This gal sounds like she's trying to be a positive influence in this girl's life. Who cares if the state issued a marriage certificate??
But if she stood back and did nothing.... because after all, she's not "family"; then she'd be a bitch who hates skids.
Do the parents curse?
Do the parents curse? Cursing at my parents even as an adult is almost unimaginable to me but I grew up in a home where no one swore that often. I didn't even hear my dad drop a F bomb until I was 18 and I've never heard my mother say it. However in some households it is very much the norm for everyone to talk like sailors.
This is on your DH...
This is on your DH... clearly, he has allowed her to say the F word to him... that very first time. He should have nipped it then. Now he's got to back pedal and try and fix learned bad behavior.
He needs to hit her where it hurts.. so if taking phone or grounding doesn't phase her, it sounds like making her do chores would. You want to use the F word while speaking to me? Go get a toothbrush (preferably not yours
) and clean the bathroom floor. You want to use the F word while speaking to me? Call a taxi the next time you need a ride somewhere. etc. etc.
yes, those are good ideas.
yes, those are good ideas. and he agrees, he's frustrated by it as well and disappointed with himself for not nipping it in the bud earlier (he suffered from GFS and DisneyDad, which of course she loved and likes to bring up that he was so much more "fun" when she was younger
) one day he unplugged all the electronics and she stayed home while the rest of our "group" 
went out.
BF/DH...i'm using them
BF/DH...i'm using them interchangeably. easier to type as that's the common reference on this site.
Tell her outright that she's
Tell her outright that she's not going on any trips because she's an obnoxious ass. Fact.
I also have a teenage skid.
I also have a teenage skid. She is also a good kid with a job and good grades. I don't think cursing at a parent or authority figure is normal. My skid, although snotty and thinks she is constantly right would not curse her father out. If she ever did, I think she would feel very remorseful afterward and apologize.
Is your skid being cursed at? Does she witness this behavior at her other parent's house? I think your SO really need to be explicit that the behavior is inappropriate and doesn't happen in your house. Does anyone talk to her when things have calmed down and ask her why she behaves that way.
When she is disrespectful to her father and sister, she should not be allowed to be around the family, in my opinion. Do you live in a safe neighborhood? DH should make her go outside if she can't be nice around you guys. And take the electronics, imho.
Also, she may feel entitled to certain things, but DH should make it clear that she is not. My DH used to feel guilty about going on international vacations without the kids and they made it clear to him that they were upset about it. He in turn unintentionally led them on making them continue to feel entitled to an international vacation in the future. I told him that I was fine with him going on an international vacation with the kids, but he would plan it, pay for it, and I would be staying home. I would only vacation with the kids close to home since all they do on vacations is eat chicken nuggets, mini golf, and complain about walking. That got DH to cut down on some of the entitlement behavior.
^^^^THIS absolutely THIS^^^^
^^^^THIS absolutely THIS^^^^
Dealing with this as well...I
Dealing with this as well...I have found that it stems from the feeling of instability, placement in the family and the other negatives that come along with separate homes. On top of being a teen girl with lots of drama that comes along with the age.
We implemented a notebook. Girls each have one and they use it to write letters to SO, myself and anyone else 'pissing' them off at the moment. In the beginning it was a reminder...take your attitude into your room and use your book. After a little while we saw the attitude come but they quickly grabbed their book and left to their room. SO and I sometimes joke that neither of us want to read the book because there are probably pics of us with knives through our heads lol. But it works.
We have even started having them write letters to each other expressing their anger. This has stopped a number of fights amongst the girls and seems to be easier for the other person to realize where they have fault by simply just reading it.
As far as punishment we ground from all activities including electronics and during grounding the chores are upped. Only the chores are slightly harder and more involved. Such as cleaning out the shed, weeding and scrubbing walls, baseboards and Windows. I think this gives them time to think while being productive and hopefully the consequence of hard work will make them think next time they decide to have an attitude.