I would love to hear the responses from people who have separate finances on this too!

Even if you have enough to pay for both of you, how is that any different from paying now?? It's your money either way. I guess there is the control issue but that will breed resentment.

My BFF and her exH had money issues. He worked off and on but didn't have a career and did menial jobs. She would ride him about helping to support his family. They weren't a blended family and there were no CS or support issues.
She and I would take our kids on vacation and he would stay at home because she told him if he wanted to come, he was going to have to pay for his own ticket. It was totally emasculating for him and the beginning of the end for them.
However, after they split he went to night school and is now working in HR. He was happy to let her support him and it wasn't until their divorce that he got off his ass and did something with his life.

Separate finances doesn't necessarily mean that you don't discuss joint planning for your retirement years. It means that what he does with his "discretional" income after your joint obligations are met, he can spend as he wishes. Planning for retirement is a JOINT obligation. It's a mistake to not address this from the beginning.

You need to sit down as a couple and talk about what your plans are for your retirement. Do you both have pensions at work or is it set up like a 401k? Maybe you have both. What is your projected SS payout? What assets do you have that may be liquidated? Do you have LT disability insurance? Will your home or a home be paid for by the time you retire? What type of activities do you want to do? Travel? move to FL? Do you both want to retire early or wait until your pensions/ss have maximum payouts ETC... You may even need to talk to a financial planner about this because it is a pretty complex situation especially when you wrap in health insurance costs and options.

Let's say that neither of you have a pension but you DO have a 401K. A planner will tell you how much each of you will need to contribute on a monthly basis to meet your future retirement goals. Then, that contribution is a mandatory contribution to your joint household. It's just like paying the light bill or your mortgage, it is an obligation that needs to be paid BEFORE extra things for yourselves or your kids.

It may not be an equal contribution amount if you make different income levels, but you should be able to come up with a fair relative amount that each of you is expected to chip in.

Your finances are still not "joint" but even non-joint finance households have common obligations they must meet. You need to ensure retirement is one of them.

Of course, if he says he doesn't want to travel, just sit around eating ramen, then you know your retirement will be spent traveling with others.

How do you disengage without totally screwing yourself in the end?

Finances still need to be discussed, disengaged or not, separate finances or not.

DH and I have ALL separate accounts but we still discuss our financial future and we do have a financial advisor (and have sat down with her to go over everything). We are a team and plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

Like I said in that other thread, I don't care about the nickels and dimes, but it is my business if he starts giving away money to his grown ass, lazy daughter or does something foolish that will ultimately affect both of us.

When part of a couple, one cannot be completely disengaged from everything.