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Tired of Footing All the Bills -- and for those whose skids have quit visitation, how long did it take?

TwoOfUs's picture

So...this is going to seem like such a minor thing, but I'm really upset that DH invited his SD19 and her boyfriend to join us for a movie on Sunday. Normally, I wouldn't care at all, but I know this means we're paying for it...which means I'm paying for it as my DH barely makes anything these days.

It's not the money, it's the principal and feeling taken for granted. I feel like DH does this all the time. Says yes to the skids...tells them..Sure! Invite a friend! All the while I foot the bill and he never even seems to consider this.

To be fair...it hasn't always been this way. He's got a couple of big projects that are in holding patterns right now, so as soon as something lands, he'll have his own money again. But I've been shouldering the majority of household bills plus all extras for about six months now, and it's really wearing me down. Why can't he think about this?

ALSO - for those married to NCPs. When did your skids quit coming over for their visitation? MY SD19 is no longer coming over, but my SS18 is. I kind of think it's strange. When does it end?

Comments

TwoOfUs's picture

The relationship is a mostly good one on all sides. I just feel weird having a grown man do CO visitation EOWE at my house. It feels strange and pointless to me...and I'd love to not have to worry about it anymore. SD19 doesn't come over for "our weekend" and quit the instant she turned 18. She still comes to dinner or to hand out from time to time, but no overnights.

grace8205's picture

Buy a prepaid ticket for your movie admission before hand and hand it to DH when you arrive to the theatre and walk away from the till then he is stuck paying for everyone else.
Unless you have a joint account then there is no way around it.

Teas83's picture

I totally understand where you're coming from as far as paying for stuff goes. It's not about the money for me either - it's the principle of it. Since I'm not allowed to have much of a say in what goes on regarding SD when she visits, then I don't think she or my husband should expect me to contribute to her life financially either. I registered DD and SD for swimming lessons the other day. When I got home I asked my husband for $40 to cover SD's lessons and $20 to cover his half of DD's lessons.

Unfortunately, I don't have skids as old as you do so I don't know when visitation should stop. I'm hoping it's when they graduate high school.

TwoOfUs's picture

SS18 is of age and out of high school...I'm hoping he'll drop the visits soon. They're very odd.

moeilijk's picture

If you've said something and he's not paying attention, your next step is to make him.

As he's leaving to go to the movie, tell him you're not feeling up to it after all. Have fun with SD & her BF!

Unless you've got shared accounts. Then I guess an option would be to take his plastic and give him cash for the week.

thinkthrice's picture

Took five years of EVERY weekend for them to PAS out. Of course this was a very intense PAS that started from day one of the break up. Massive scorched-earth policy. Chef never had a chance. Mostly because he refused to listen to me when I told him what was going on from the beginning.

hereiam's picture

No potato farm you could send her to? Relatives? I used to spend summers at my grandma's with my cousin.

TwoOfUs's picture

Lol. True.

Plus, The Peace Corps doesn't want to be used as an escape from reality or a bad situation. I looked into it in my twenties, and they have all these application questions to make sure you're emotionally stable / aren't "running away from something." They ask you and they ask your references, too. I looked into applying about a year after my dad passed away (he was young, 49, and it was tragic). They said I would be unlikely to be accepted because of how recently that had happened...told me I should wait at least another year to apply.

TwoOfUs's picture

Lol. True.

Plus, The Peace Corps doesn't want to be used as an escape from reality or a bad situation. I looked into it in my twenties, and they have all these application questions to make sure you're emotionally stable / aren't "running away from something." They ask you and they ask your references, too. I looked into applying about a year after my dad passed away (he was young, 49, and it was tragic). They said I would be unlikely to be accepted because of how recently that had happened...told me I should wait at least another year to apply.

hereiam's picture

The Peace Corps? That's funny.

They don't just take anybody, they want people who will make a difference in the world, someone with a college degree, not someone they need to babysit and teach basic hygiene to. It's nothing like the military, who recruits to train, the Peace Corps wants already trained educators and specialists.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah. He's been beating himself up about it pretty bad and saying that he feels like he can't / shouldn't spend any money. This is relatively recent. Looking back, he covered half of the bills in January and almost half in February and March. It's really only been since April that I've been covering almost everything. There just seems to be a huge disconnect between what he says ("I need to watch my spending / thank you so much / I'll be really frugal until my next job lands") and what he does...i.e. inviting all skids to the movies, ordering stuff on Amazon, etc.

AlreadyGone's picture

I will never understand why adult SK's require the same visitation schedule they had as children. It creeps me the 'F' out! Do they not have friends or even lives of their own at this point??? (rhetorical) :O

As a COD, this was unheard of when I was growing up. Of course so was living at home after the age of majority. My parents visited me in my own apartment by then. I guess parents actually did their jobs back then, LOL. Wink

TwoOfUs's picture

Exactly! I completely understand the invitation and don't begrudge him that. I DON'T understand paying for everything for a lazy-azz almost 20-year-old. She and her 25-year-old bf can't pay $6.25 each for their own matinee tickets? He invited everyone to lunch after...and, yep, I got to pay for everyone again. To be fair to him...this thing where he has no money of his own is relatively new. And, generally speaking, since we're both freelance, we tend to have to cover for each other on occasion. It's just...when he's covering for me, which he hasn't had to do in over a year and, in general, I've made more than him throughout the six year marriage and haven't had CS to pay...to get back to my point. On the RARE occasion that he's floating me for a month, I NEVER add to his floating by inviting MY family members out with us on his dime...

Anyway. I really like what you say about the tables turning at some point. I still let my mom treat me from time to time if she wants to (You have to be willing to let others treat you sometimes, even if you can afford more than they can. It's a matter of pride and care.) For most things, though, I treat her. My brother who is a single software R & D guy with P&G / GE as his main clients REALLY treats her...in ways I can't Smile

It will be a very cold day in Hades before $$$ ever come our direction from any of the skids...before they think of taking US out for Father's Day or birthdays (except youngest SD who is incredibly thoughtful and responsible for having just turned 16). We are the ATM parents, thanks to DH. And to me, if I'm honest. I'm a big sister and very generous with my little sisters and my nieces and nephews. That has spilled over to my skids, especially when they were younger. I just don't think it's going to occur to them, certainly not for me, even though I've been good to them.

They won't be treating me or caring for me in my old age. So why am I doing so much for them now instead of making sure I'm set? That's what needs to stop.