Today, I'm reading about mini-wife behavior and I can say that a similar situation exists between guilty permissive mothers and their sons. I have disengaged, or to the degree I'm able, because it's hard for me not to say anything to DW at times, especially when she's under attack.

For example, lately I explained to DW that SS15 has two basic modes: puppy dog mode and wife beater mode.

Puppy dog mode is when he speaks in a 5-year-old voice, saying "mommy, mommy" and blows kisses at her. He is able to instantly switch to wife beater mode and back. It's wife beater mode, rather than just angry teenager tantrum mode, because they have an enmeshed relationship and she treats him more as a peer than a child, though usually she has the short end of the stick. She won't stand up to him, so she's like a battered wife unable to confront her abuser. If that is too strong language now, it won't be over the next few years, as I expect this situation to worsen. Saying "not my kid, not my problem" is difficult for me in this situation, as I see it going on.

Regarding the enmeshed relationship, they used to lay in bed and "talk" till about a year ago. And until about 2-3 years ago, she used to lay in bed with him until he fell asleep.

SS15's modes are rarely anything else, except when he is involved in his video games and doesn't want to be disturbed. If DW disturbs him during this activity, I guess you might say he goes into "turd flinging monkey" mode and screams and hurls insults at her to get her to shut up.

I've read a lot on these forums and the disengaging advice and the recommendation to read Stepmonster has been very helpful. It has at least brought a measure of peace to the house, because when I used to try to enforce normal household rules or tell SS to not talk to his mother that way, he was ready to fight. He didn't know how to use his fists at the time, but he was pretty good at kicking. I try to explain to DW that disengaging is the reason there are not fights going on in the house at the moment, and she partially has accepted the disengaging concept, up to a point.

Soon, I will be asking for input on some things that are coming up, like DW's plans to send him on a two-week trip to Italy with other kids (it's a tour for kids) so he can learn "culture," which though I would not say it to my wife so bluntly, is like putting jewelry on a pig. Another thing is DW's possible one-week trip for her work, during which she expects me to stay at home with Stepturd and look after him.