Hypocritical MIL
According to his CO, my husband gets SD for three uninterrupted weeks every summer. Without checking with me this year, he decided he would only take two weeks off from work and assumed that I'd be fine with watching SD for the third week because I'll be on maternity leave anyway. When he told me about this plan, I told him there is no way I'm taking care of SD while he's at work. She comes to spend time with him, not me. I told him had two options: either take the full three weeks off from work or else only have SD come for two weeks. So he chose to have SD come for two weeks.
Last night, my husband told me he had talked to his mom and that she was disappointed that he's only taking SD8 for two weeks in the summer instead of three. Apparently she said, "It's too bad that Teas83's hands will be so full with DD3 and the new baby that she doesn't want to take care of SD8 too."
Sure, MIL, let's blame your son's poor planning on me.
This is the same woman who asked her husband to walk away from his three kids from his first marriage when they met. She claims that she didn't want her religious family to know that she was with a man who was divorced, but I personally think she just didn't want to deal with being a SM and the crap that comes along with it. She is the last person who has any right to judge me on my involvement in SD's life because no matter what I do, I will still never sink as low as she did and ask my husband to abandon his child.
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Let MIL babysit the 3rd week
Let MIL babysit the 3rd week for SD... oh, wait, she didn't offer.
What's funny is that my
What's funny is that my husband asked her to come down for the third week last summer to take care of the kids and she couldn't handle it. Her sister just "happened" to show up for a "surprise" visit to help her.
It's not that often that my
It's not that often that my MIL says things like this. I actually don't talk to her very often because she lives 12 hours away and we only see her 2-3 times a year.
If MIL comes down this summer while SD is with us and has the nerve to say anything, I'll probably tell her what I think of her opinion because I've got no patience for step life lately. I wouldn't make a special phone call just to ask her about it though - I barely talk to her as it is.
Because of how religious she is, she comes off as a really nice person at first. She bases so many of her opinions and actions on her religious beliefs so that it doesn't appear as though she's just being a hateful, judgmental person. I don't know anyone else who would ask their husband to abandon kids kids and cite religion as the reason.
Like I said above, I hardly
Like I said above, I hardly talk to my MIL as it is so a special phone call to address what she said would be kind of weird. If she comes to visit in the summer and says anything in front of me about it, I will address it then.
"Last night, my husband told
"Last night, my husband told me he had talked to his mom and that she was disappointed that he's only taking SD8 for two weeks in the summer instead of three. Apparently she said, "It's too bad that Teas83's hands will be so full with DD3 and the new baby that she doesn't want to take care of SD8 too.""
The reason why SHE said this is because DH told her that the reason why SD8 was only coming was because you couldn't watch her. HE threw you under the bus. He didn't tell her that it was because he didn't plan properly. He made it be your fault, so when she was parroting those words, it was because that is what HE told her.
I don't know any back story here so not sure if there is any particular reason why you couldn't/wouldn't agree to watch the SD8. Yes, you will have the other two kids and a new baby is demanding but in general, if the 8yo was not too demanding, it might not have been a big deal to agree to this. That might have been especially true given the fact that it may be difficult for DH to take off 3 weeks straight. I know that if my DH had limited vacation time, that I wouldn't want him to take all the time off for the visitation. I would agree (if I were already home) to watch the child one week.
In theory, I don't think Step parents need to refuse to watch their SO's kids. I mean, if my DH was out mowing the grass, I watched his girls. I would personally do it (depending on the back story) so that my DH could still have that week with his child, even if it was just after work.
Of course, if the SD has some issues that make watching her an extremely difficult thing then I can see saying it's too much with a new baby and a toddler.
Finally, when he said that, I would have told him this. Ask your mother if she can take SD8 for that extra week. Even that you would be willing to do a day or two, but not an entire week.
Oh, he definitely used me as
Oh, he definitely used me as the scapegoat in the situation instead of admitting that he should have planned ahead so that he could take the full time off. I'm not sure why he agreed to having that in the CO to begin with since it always creates issues.
There's a lot to the story, but I refuse to watch SD because I'm basically disengaged. She doesn't listen very well and teaches DD bad behavior, so I'm not dealing with her nonsense when I'll have a newborn to deal with. Lately my husband has started going back to his old Disney Dad ways and I'm not willing to help with with his child if I'm not allowed to give her rules or discipline.
"I guess being a custodial
"I guess being a custodial stepmom, I don't understand the whole "if you aren't here to watch your kids, they can't be here." My husband travelled for work. I did not make him find accommodations for his kids during that time."
I am right there with you, BUT in my house there did come a time when I wouldn't be in the house with ASS and without DH when DH traveled for work.
I would check into a hotel and he would have his parents come and watch the skids.
Come to think of it, I am going to miss that hotel
It was awesome to have some time to myself - something else custodial SMs need from time to time.
He doesn't only see her for
He doesn't only see her for three weeks in the summer. She comes EOWE as well.
Like I've said, there are many reasons why I don't want her there if he's not there. I've got an extensive back story regarding false accusations from BM, false reports to CPS followed by investigations, documentations by GBM where she even included false accusations involving our DD. I don't want to be alone with SD under any circumstances because of these things.
My husband also hasn't been great lately when it comes to enforcing rules and discipline with SD. If I say anything, I'm the bad guy. He can't expect me to want to take care of his child when I'm not allowed to enforce rules if necessary, especially when I'll have my hands full with my own two kids already.
"My husband also hasn't been
"My husband also hasn't been great lately when it comes to enforcing rules and discipline with SD. If I say anything, I'm the bad guy. He can't expect me to want to take care of his child when I'm not allowed to enforce rules if necessary, especially when I'll have my hands full with my own two kids already."
Sounds like it's time for you to completely disengage from his kid until he figures out how get back to enforcing rules and meting out discipline. Is that a possibility?
Yes it is. I've slowly been
Yes it is.
I've slowly been backing away again because of his Disney Dad ways creeping back into my life. In the last couple of months, I've only gotten involved if SD does something that affects me or DD.
Good! That's where I am... I
Good! That's where I am...
I am disengaged. DH is out of town until tomorrow night, so I have to engage a little. I cook - lol!
But I also tracked down Karate Kid this morning and told him his breakfast dishes belong in the dishwasher and not on the counter.
Thanks for understanding
Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from.
I forgot to mention the most
I forgot to mention the most recent addition to my husband's CO. After DD3 was born, GBM spent a year documenting everything negative that SD said about me. "Teas won't let me play with DD", "Teas stole my toys and gave them to DD", "Teas made me stand in a corner", etc.
As a result, BM's lawyer asked to add a paragraph to the CO saying that my husband must ensure that everyone who is around SD must be positive. (It was more extensive than that, but you get the gist.) Basically it means that if I tell an 8 year old to clean up a mess that she made in my house, I'm not being "positive" and therefore my husband is in contempt of his CO. It's hard to want to take care of a child when you're being told by multiple parties that you're not allowed to parent her.
oh h3ll that was you - i'd
oh h3ll that was you - i'd forgotten all about that ridiculous clause.
yup, i wouldnt say a word to MIL. and i certainly would be reminding dh about that clause, telling him to put blame where it's due, and also asking him to keep his piehole shut about her comments.
MIL thinks her son is
MIL thinks her son is perfect, from what I can tell. He's a model father who just works SO hard to provide for his family (she has no clue that I make nearly as much as he does and that we keep our finances separate). If the topic comes up the next time I see her or talk to her, I'll be sure to set her straight.
Thanks for understanding.
Teas, I feel for you so much.
Teas, I feel for you so much.
My situation with MIL, BM, and DH is extremely similar to yours.
Thanks. It's nice to know
Thanks. It's nice to know that others can commiserate.
I hate to say this - but
I hate to say this - but there are some benefits to having deceased ILs. Not that I wish anyone to be dead. But unfortunately DH's parents died young many, many years before I met him.
SS30 who is truly one of the most worthless pieces of sh*t ever is now being doted on by BM (who disowned him for years) and her mother - the maternal grandmother. He's being showered with antique china, family jewels (really expensive diamonds), beautiful antique furniture, etc.
SS30 has pretty much been a homeless, jobless, alcoholic/addict with no job skills or education. He has a long history of violence towards BM, DH and many others. He spent almost 4 years in juvie for violence. He's had jail sentences for beating up women and the elderly.
So why is he now the "prodigal son"? Not because he is clean and sober. He found a fairly decent young women to procreate with and has produced a grandchild. I personally don't give a damn what BM and her mother do. They are not part of my life at all. It would be more difficult if DH had parents who wanted to pressure me to accept SS.