No blood, a little bit of sweat, and a lot of tears

I had a bit of a messed up experience with exercise yesterday! It took me a while to figure out what was up with me. (I'm still not sure if I totally nailed it with what I figured out, any extra insight as to why this happened would be appreciated, I feel a little crazy lol!)

Ok here's what happened.. I had been putting off the idea I had last week (trying for at least 10 minutes of exercise a day). I'll freely admit I'm lazy, I friggin hate exercise, and I was also nervous if DD2.5 would actually *let* me exercise or just cling to my legs and scream like she used to.

So the first time this week that I decided to try a  workout video was actually yesterday. Yes yes I know I've been putting it off! Anyway.

I set DD up with my iPad in the kitchen, with a playlist of kids videos on YouTube. You know, the ones with colours, shapes, and annoying cartoon voices. I wasn't sure how long it'd last as she gets bored *quick* of watching videos.

I then went straight into the next room and pressed play on my workout video. I chose an hour long one as I figured I'd see how long DD would let me exercise. 

After all, my aim is for *at least* 10 minutes exercise a day, if I manage longer that's great :) 

So. 5minutes in, DD was still amused in the kitchen, and I was kind of enjoying the video, and I smiled to myself.

I thought "I remember how good this feels now" It all came flooding back, I remembered how amazing it felt to be slim, how happy I was and (yes, even) how great it was that I exercised regularly and was so healthy, and I smiled. 

Then the smile *SUDDENLY* cracked into TEARS?!! Like full on sobbing?!! I was thinking "Whaaat is going on! Why am I crying?!!!"

I forced myself to carry on as I'd really set myself to exercise that day. If I'd stopped just because I was being *weird* and crying for an unknown reason (?!) I'd have been really disappointed in myself.

If anyone else had been there, they'd have thought I looked like a total psycho, doing sidesteps and armlifts while full on sobbing and drying my tears on my tshirt!!!

But yes I carried on! As I was sobbing, I tried to figure out why I was crying and I think it's because:

1) I was watching these beautiful bodies on the video doing the (very basic/beginner) exercises with such ease, and realised I myself was wobbling around with all the extra rolls on my stomach getting in the way of my leg lifts etc.

2) I'm very angry with myself for letting me get this way.

3) I'm upset that I have so, so, sooo far to go, to get to where I was. I'm dreading how much hard work is ahead of me. It's overwhelming at times.

and maaaybe. 4) when I was getting ready to do the video, I dug out my old sports bra that hasn't seen the light of day for longer than I care to admit. I couldn't even get it round my back, let alone do it up. I had to just to put on one of my regular stretchy bras I always wear.

The most exercise I've done in the last few months is going out walking quickly with DD in the stroller. No need for a sports bra. I was shocked it didn't fit. Anyway.

Ok so I managed 15mins sidestepping and armlifts etc (while sobbing) before DD wandered in (having gotten bored of kids videos in kitchen).

I immediately tried to get a grip. (I didn't want her first memory of seeing mama doing exercise, to be mama crying as well!) I wiped my eyes again quickly and smiled "Heyyy DD! You wana dance with mama? It's fun!"

She *really* wasn't sure what to make of it at first! She frowned in a confused way, looked at the television, then looked at me, and really didn't know wtf was going on, lol!

I carried on with the video for another 15mins while she watched in awe at what on earth I was doing lol! 

She kinda wandered around my feet for a bit and tried to steal my bottle of water, (she's obsessed with bottles and undoing the caps, she thinks drinking out of cups is boring lol) 

Then she sat on the floor right next to me (I moved her up onto a chair so I could continue) BUT she generally allowed me to carry on with what I was doing!!!! 

I was SO happy she didn't scream and shout for my attention, and all the while I was saying "Look DD! This is fun! Yaaay" etc! Maybe it's because she's grown up a little bit since the last time I tried. She used to cling onto my legs and just scream :/

So I managed a half hour of the video. And I was more emotionally drained than physically tired .wow. Crazy experience.

I'm kinda proud of myself that I managed a half hour, but also weirded out that I cried through most of it LOL! 

I intend to do another video today. I have promised myself I *will* do some exercise at least once a day, even if it really does turn out to be only 10minutes.

So how's everyone else doing? Xxx