In-laws spend every Christmas Eve at BM'S house

ClassyNJ's post struck a chord with me.

When DH and BM were married, my in laws and DHs extended family spent Christmas eve in BM and DHs home (now just BMs home). The Christmas after they divorced, DH and I were seriously dating. He was sad about losing the tradition so I invited his family to spend Christmas eve with us but since it was pretty last minute everyone declined because they already had plans.

My bios were with their dad so DH and I decided to go out to dinner and look at the Christmas lights. DH insisted on swinging by BMs house to surprise the skids - surely they would be missing out on Christmas eve because BM is not a Christian and doesn't celebrate Christmas. I remember being thrilled with this because it was another chance to impress the skids with how cool we were. We pulled up to BMs house and there must have been 15 cars in the street. That's right, we saw DHs family - cousins, aunts, uncles, the in laws, plus all of BMs family and the skids- having Christmas eve dinner, as always, at BMs. DH was shocked and angry and has spoken to them about this several times since but to this day the tradition has never changed.

My in-laws excuse at the time was they wanted to spend Christmas eve with their grandchildren, and since the CO gave BM Christmas eve every year and DH Christmas day, they were going to be at BMs. DH really thought we had a chance this year because of our baby, who is their grandchild, but nope, already got the email from MIL that they are going to BMs.

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Yes, years later this sounds

Yes, years later this sounds insane to me. We were young and stupid.

GOOD GOD HRNYC, of the entire

GOOD GOD HRNYC, of the entire post, that is what you choose to comment on? Can't you EVER say anything positive to ANYONE? Her in laws are douche bags but you have to turn it around and basically imply it's the OP's fault. Wow. You're a piece of work.

I'm sure you don't. Shocking.

I'm sure you don't. Shocking. I'm sure you think it's perfectly fine for the parents to be up the BM's butt under the guise of it being for the kids, and to hell with their own son's feelings.

I'd be curious to see if they still go over there once the kids are grown and aren't required to spend Christmas Eve at Mom's. Then the OP will know they were just full of S@#*

When the in-laws did attend

When the in-laws did attend Christmas Day at OP'S, OP had issues over presents and differences in amounts.

" We've had an issue with the in laws bringing over about $1,000 worth of presents for each skid and a few small presents for my bios. Not that my bios should expect anything at all but it's hard for an 8 year old to be rational about obviously unequal gifts and it caused some stepsiblings fighting...So now the in laws get to give the skids all of their presents on Christmas Eve and save my kids the uncomfortable situation the next day. But I do feel for DH. He keeps trying to get everyone to move the tradition to our house but no one will budge. "

The new girlfriend and THEIR

The new girlfriend and THEIR OWN SON! Wow. It's unbelievable how many people don't see anything wrong with this situation.

So the DH wasn't his parents'

So the DH wasn't his parents' child the year after he divorced? Your reply makes no sense.

Unbelievable. That is serious

Unbelievable. That is serious grounds for disowning a family. That is just insane.

They were married for 17

They were married for 17 years, so I understand that they have strong ties. I'm sad for DH that every year he thinks things will change and they don't, this will be the 8th Christmas it has continued.

They can do what they want to

They can do what they want to do - but so can you. You do not have to include these people in your life anymore. That's up to you.

It doesn't matter if some people would not have a problem with it. If you do then you get to delete them. Nobody has to put up with people who bring pain into their life.

Yup. You can't control what

Yup. You can't control what they decide to do. But I'll tell you if my in-laws did this, they would not enjoy my company again. Should I choose to even be in their company. In a different situation than yours, SO's dad and SM in town for a visit and spent time with BM (on a day we had SD anyways, so that can't be an excuse for them) and not any us. When confronted they said they would have a relationship with whoever they like. I told SO, so will I. Do what you want, have the relationship that you want, it will not take place in my home. Take it somewhere else, I'll have nothing to do with them.

He'd tell me if he did. Not

He'd tell me if he did. Not that its an issue since he hasn't spoken to his dad in 3 years. The guy ignored his son whenever he reached out, but called BM the second he was in town after meeting her once? When we called and said if you were wanting to see SD, we have her, they said they didn't care. He isn't exactly father of the year, and SO holds no hard feelings towards me for not wanting them in OUR home.

11 years until SS graduates

11 years until SS graduates college and BM is an empty nester. So maybe in 11 years!

I honestly think he had no

I honestly think he had no idea. BM doesn't celebrate christmas, she only did it because DH celebrated. So I think he assumed there would not be anything special going on.

He had this idea that it

He had this idea that it would be a grand surprise, DH swoops in to save Christmas eve. It sounds crazy now but we just didn't think it through.

Even if they were just

Even if they were just sitting around doing nothing, popping up at her home, was just wrong. Come on, he was going to have the kids with him in a few hours.

And no one thought that the

And no one thought that the poor dad in this situation might feel sad about his first Christmas Eve without his children? Maybe he could have used the company of HIS OWN FAMILY on a holiday that he usually saw his kids. But no, I guess it's perfectly ok to just go whoop it up with BM at her house since "that's what they always did," and to hell with their own son/brother/nephew who might be sad and down about being without his kids on a holiday. Wow.

I get that it's crazy to just

I get that it's crazy to just drop in on the ex, and my DH couldn't pay me a million dollars to drop by his ex's house, but that wasn't the point! The point isnt how they found out, it's THAT they found out and that it even happened! It's baffling to me that everyone is focusing on how they found out and not what the in laws did.

What loss? Sounds like she

What loss? Sounds like she still got her family around her (actually her ex's family) and got to keep everything the same, just minus the ex husband. Boo hoo, poor BM.

Wow. Did not see that blog.

Wow. Did not see that blog. How sad. And mean.

Yeah and HIS FAMILY can go

Yeah and HIS FAMILY can go see the kids on Christmas Day, not go party it up with the BM, who DOESNT EVEN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

Yes they have. If you read

Yes they have. If you read the original post, you'd have seen that her DH invited his family to their house this year, to spend it with them and their new baby, and they still declined and said they were going to BM's! Spin it any way you want, that is bulls&#*.

And the grandparents wouldn't

And the grandparents wouldn't be missing anything if they didn't go o BM's on Christmas Eve, because dad gets his kids christmas day, so they could see them all then.. The only thing the grandparents would be missing is BM.

So much hate. Dang.

It has nothing to do with

It has nothing to do with hate. It's betrayal. If my DH and I divorced, I'd feel really betrayed if my parents or sisters hung out with my ex. They'd still be able to see my kids when they're with me, there wouldn't be any reason for them to spend time with my ex, especially on holidays. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that I get to keep my own family members in a divorce, and not have to share them with my ex. I wouldn't expect his brother or sisters to invite me over for dinner or holidays or vacations, I would expect them to be loyal to their own brother, just like I would expect loyalty from my family.

^THIS^ It's not always

^THIS^

It's not always necessary to give up family you've known for many, many years.

My friend (older) was married for close to 30 years. They've been divorced for 10 years now. My friend still goes to France (we live in the US) every year to visit her former sister-in-law. Her sister-in-law comes and visits her here as well. There was no need to give that relationship up just because they divorced.

In this post, if the family were invited on Christmas Day and did come, I would say this is all a non-issue. They can continue with their Christmas Eve tradition and not hurt anyone that way...with BM or not.

"He isn't replaceable by the

"He isn't replaceable by the next d*ck i find."

This was a really rude and unnecessary comment and has nothing to do with the topic. If you want to reduce someone to their genitalia then you have the wrong gender since OP is a woman. OP doesn't say that she wanted the IL's to give up BM but perhaps somehow incorporate their own child into the tradition.

This is not the case. I am of

This is not the case. I am of the opinion, "Once a cheater always a cheater". So I would never have married DH if that was why his marriage broke up.

Thank you Babybugged!

A lot of unnecessary drama

A lot of unnecessary drama happens because people want the in laws to pick a side. People need to be a lot more mature.

You know, there are SMs who

You know, there are SMs who have posted that their husbands have a good relationship with BM's family. In each case it seems that the family knows that mom is the problem.

Isf the WHOLE FAMILY has continued this tradition FOR EIGHT YEARS against the OP's husband's wishes, then something tells me the family knows that dad is the problem.

That little Christmas Eve "surprise" he tried to pull off screams nutter.

No, exH and I swap every

No, exH and I swap every year. This was a lapse in judgement not repeated. DH can be clueless on occasion and so was I for going along with it. We did not get out of the car at any point or make a scene.

What aRe you talking about?

What aRe you talking about? The dad has the kids on Christmas. Lots of great memories.

Divorce is painful. The in

Divorce is painful. The in laws don't need to be a part of all that pain. Sounds like they like BM, and I feel it's OK to keep up tradition. Especially for the children's sake. Their family just broke up. In this case the kids are more important than the newly divorced parents.

I like kids. What can I say.

But this year there is a new

But this year there is a new grand baby in the mix, and the in laws are still choosing to spend Christmas Eve with BM. So it's not about "the kids", it's about the "first kids" and BM. What's the justification for it now?

What she said. ^^^^

Lol. And nor is your mind

Lol. And nor is your mind gonna change.

Love is love. Its ok to care

Love is love. Its ok to care about other people. I am friends with BMs mom and step dad. Where I live, family is just thought of differently. There is room in our hearts for ex family.

No, he has never apologized.

No, he has never apologized. He is usually very calm, this is one of those rare instances where he lost it. But we didn't go to the front door or inside. The house has these 2 giant bay windows and when we pulled up and saw everyone he peeled it out of there. It never occured to him that BM would still host because she does not celebrate Christmas, she just did it because DH did. He spoke to them after and they enjoy going to BMs house, so they see no problem with it.

I have always felt it's not

I have always felt it's not fair to make relatives "pick" sides in a divorce. Just because the couple do not like each other anymore, it doesn't mean all others have to feel the same way.

So parents are picking sides

So parents are picking sides if they pick their own kid? I'd be damned if I ever divorced my DH and my parents chose to spend a holiday with him instead of me. My parents are MY PARENTS and they damn well better pick me over an ex!

The parents go to the BM's

The parents go to the BM's house on Christmas eve like they been doing for 17 years and then come to the sons house Christmas Day. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Sounds like a win for the BM.

Sounds like a win for the BM. She gets to play big happy family with someone else's relatives and the DH gets left out in the cold. Yeah, that's win-win alright.

What is wrong with Christmas

What is wrong with Christmas day? I personally would rather have Christmas Day then Christmas Eve.

There's many days to

There's many days to celebrate. Christmas Eve Christmas Day. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing kind of thing. Ex in-laws are allowed to find her way in the new divorce land of their children.

There's many days to

There's many days to celebrate. Christmas Eve Christmas Day. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing kind of thing. Ex in-laws are allowed to find her way in the new divorce land of their children.

There's many days to

There's many days to celebrate. Christmas Eve Christmas Day. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing kind of thing. Ex in-laws are allowed to find her way in the new divorce land of their children.

It's silly to debate whether

It's silly to debate whether the DH's extended family (sounds like it's more than just parents - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) is right or wrong. Neither the OP, her DH or any of us get to dictate the choice. Sure we can all have our opinions, but they influence nothing.

I will again encourage OP to feel free to do as much or as little with these people as she wants. That's the only thing that she can control. For whatever reasons DH's family has chosen to celebrate a major holiday elsewhere - not with OP and her DH.

Accept it and move on. OP don't waste another second of your life worrying about DH's family.

Yeah it's difficult to get it

Yeah it's difficult to get it up when you can't stop obsessing about your parents haha. And every other year we have my bios. And now we have a baby. And there is no fireplace. So literally nothing of what you described except booze

Yes, he has spoken to his

Yes, he has spoken to his parents but they consider BM the daughter they never had and say this is equal because they see both of them. He is close with 2 of his cousins and spoke to them and they keep saying they will talk to their wives about it and then DH hears nothing. This is the problem with men. They let the wives handle all of the family communication for years. Wife is the one people call to make plans or see the kids. When they get divorced, they dont even think to call the husband. I think DH assumed that it was his family and he would "get them" in the divorce and it didn't go how he wanted. I am not big fans of my in laws due to their obvious favoritism for the skids. But I feel for DH.

Just to be clear, I accept

Just to be clear, I accept the situation now. In my more cynical days I would think it was very clever of BM to ask for Christmas eve, which is the main event for DHs family. Feed the skids a gallon of sugar and surround them with adoring relatives and cousins to play with. Skids pass out at 2am. Then drag them over to our house at 7am the next morning, so exhausted and grumpy that they have to take a 3 hour nap before they even want to open presents so everything was on their timetable.

However, after a few years this ended up being a good thing. We've had an issue with the in laws bringing over about $1,000 worth of presents for each skid and a few small presents for my bios. Not that my bios should expect anything at all but it's hard for an 8 year old to be rational about obviously unequal gifts and it caused some stepsiblings fighting.

So now the in laws get to give the skids all of their presents on Christmas Eve and save my kids the uncomfortable situation the next day. But I do feel for DH. He keeps trying to get everyone to move the tradition to our house but no one will budge.

DH would never cut his parents off. He is an only child and loves them too much. He will put his foot down on things like the presents but would never ban them from our home.

Another statement that is

Another statement that is told to COD is that even though there was a divorce, both parents still love them.
The DH in this post doesn't seem to get the love and concern from his parents here.

It's so obvious which members

It's so obvious which members are the bitter ex-wives here!

I just feel sad for OP and her family.

Considering your SD just very

Considering your SD just very clearly made her feelings quite known about your bio-son you (re: the bully blog and SD's crude declaration), it's beyond me why your DH would want to have this huge grand 'happy family' Christmas to begin with.

Let husband's extended family do what must be by now going on 25year tradition (his first marriage 17yrs, with you 6yrs). Messing with that just because DH now has a new baby to try and tempt them with isn't going to endear the skids which already want nothing to do with you, your first children or the new little brother. Leave their chosen Christmas Eve celebration alone. You know if your husband makes a stink and tries to force the issue, it will be you and the innocent new baby who will be blamed by skids AND DH's family.

Frankly I wouldn't blame you if you told DH to just let BM keep the skids both Christmas Eve and Day. Your own kids would probably enjoy their Christmas more without the skids. (What SD said to your son about you is unforgettable)

Perhaps a dinner the Sunday before or after (whichever the skids aren't there) for a Holiday Open House for whatever family of yours and also husband's family would like to attend. The focus would be on baby and your own kids and little family unit along with extended family.

Did you read the OP'S bully

Did you read the OP'S bully blog?

The SD would likely jump for joy and do a happy dance if she was allowed to skip Christmas with SM and SM's kids. Poor kid has tried to disengage... but now Dad wants to steal her family Christmas Eve and give it to SM and her FIRST kids under the pretense it's for new baby.

I just think it'd be best to let BM keep her for both days.

And this is what OP said

And this is what OP said about Christmas on her bully update blog on November 30:

"I wish the skids weren't here for Christmas. I would love it to be just my 3 and DH".

What kind of holly jolly gathering around the Christmas tree atmosphere can the skids expect at Dad's Christmas Day? So DH's family should stop Christmas Eve with skids at BM's AND SM doesn't want the skids to ruin Christmas Day for her and her kids while they celebrate at Dad's with skids Dad.

Read the whole post. SD said

Read the whole post. SD said something terrible at school. Bullies made nickname for DS out of terrible thing. Bullying intensifies. SD not remorseful at all. Now my son is moving 2000 miles away. Yes, I would love this last christmas as a CP to be with just my 3. I would never ask that of DH because its not fair to him. I would love for a person who is passive agressive to me and my bios and has zero respect for me to live with bm full time. Again, never going to ask that of DH.

I don't think it's being like

I don't think it's being like a 5 year old to expect some sense of loyalty from your own parents. But I do thinks it's immature that people like you and HRNYC can't be anything except harsh. It's never constructive criticism, it's always blunt, rude and biting. It's like you don't know the difference.

Do you feel the same way when

Do you feel the same way when a BM's parents maintain a relationship with a dad and SM?

You never see anyone here talk about being loyal, family ties,blood....then. Why would the "rules" change now????

My DH was always friendly and

My DH was always friendly and civil with BM's parents after the divorce, because he mostly did pickups for his weekends at their house, but he would never have had a "hanging out/spend holidays together/vacation together " relationship because they're BM's parents and that would be inappropriate. And I agree. So I'm not changing any rules, I feel the same on both sides. BM deserves the loyalty of her parents as well. So I don't really get where you're coming from.

My dh's sister and his

My dh's sister and his father, my FIL, go to BM's house for Christmas Eve every year. This is a new thing in recent years. When DH's daughters were young, and DH's mother my MIL, was alive, Christmas Eve was always at FIL's/MIL's place. And DH's daughters would rotate, one year at BM's on Christmas Eve and one year at DH's parents's.

But once the girls were adults, the rotating stopped and every Christmas Eve was at BM's house and every Christmas Day for brunch they would come to FIL's place. And interestingly, once that happened DH's sister would spend Christmas Eve at BM's along with FIL, both of DH's daughters, BM's mother, etc...

This used to bug me because I thought it outrageous they would treat DH especially that way...but it doesn't really bug me at all any more. It is what it is.

They have also stopped celebrating Thanksgiving together too. So DH and I celebrate it with my family every year instead

Let them go and do what they like, not much you can do about it, carry on with your family and friends and don't let it upset you

We have an ok relationship

We have an ok relationship with DH's family. We do an annual 4th of July bbq that his whole family attends, I guess that is "our holiday". We go to occasional dinners and they come to birthday parties for the skids. DH is just hurt because Christmas eve is an important holiday and he is sad that he doesn't get to experience it with his whole family. On Christmas day my in laws come over but otherwise the family goes to the other side of the couples, so DH misses out on that.

We have an ok relationship

Agree. I'm still trying to

Agree. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that first Christmas Eve. Excusing it away as young and stupid just doesn't wash it away for me.

" DH insisted on swinging by BMs house to surprise the skids - surely they would be missing out on Christmas eve because BM is not a Christian and doesn't celebrate Christmas. I remember being thrilled with this because it was another chance to impress the skids with how cool we were." [initial statement]

"He had this idea that it would be a grand surprise, DH swoops in to save Christmas eve. It sounds crazy now but we just didn't think it through." [later when pressed to expand]

This couple wasn't that young if they both now have high school aged children. And they certainly weren't possibility so stupid to think just knocking on the front door unannounced and uninvited (to do what, say 'Merry Christmas Eve'?) was going to "save" Christmas Eve for the kids and "impress" the children on how "cool" OP and Dad were. Umm, yeah, Merry Christmas Eve to you too, Dad?. And Christmas Eve was "saved" and Dad and OP were super "cool"?

How was they swinging by "saving" Christmas for the kids, saving anything ? Just before that drive by they weren't thinking of saving anything for the kids (they were last minute inviting Dad's family to Dad's house, nothing to do with the kids or saving Christmas Eve for the kids). No, that first Christmas Eve was nothing but all about Dad and his new girlfriend.

She will not get remarried.

She will not get remarried. She is a workaholic and too focused on her career to date according to DH.

Why in the world are you

Why in the world are you people jumping on her ass for being the bigger person and going to the exs house??? She never said they were on bad terms, he felt comfortable stopping by so obviously they were welcome there. How about saying that was nice of you to support him on his first Christmas without his kids and set yourself up to be uncomfortable so your boyfriend can see his kids?

Good lord people.

The problem with this story is that the in laws lied about it or lied by omission. That's the part that stings. If they would have come out and said hey we're going to exs house for dinner I just wanted to give you a heads up it wouldn't be so bad. And at this point with a new baby they are a bunch of shit heads. That's crap to leave out the new baby.

If you're comfortable with

If you're comfortable with patting the OP on the back, handing her kudos on being ever-so the 'bigger person' for crashing unannounced and uninvited at the BM' home, on the BM's time, then you go right ahead and do so.

You did. Feel better now?

Yup I feel awesome. Because

Yup I feel awesome. Because she did nothing wrong.

You have got to be kidding.

You have got to be kidding. How many blogs have been posted about adult SKs showing up at dad and SM's house unannounced? Pretty much everyone agrees that it's rude. If that's rude, why would it be acceptable for an ex husband and his new GF to just pop up mom's house.

Since the whole family has continued this tradition, I think it's fair to assume dad is the shit head. If it were just one or two doing this, I'd give them the side eye. But when your WHOLE damn family is doing it, you're the problem. Chances are he's a male version of the crazy BMs we hear about.

Only a passive-aggressive, game player would think popping up at an ex's house his his/her new love interest was a good idea.

I don't think it's rude, it's

I don't think it's rude, it's your family. And for him to show up as a "surprise" they must have a pretty good relationship to where they can go to each other's homes no problem. My family shows up unannounced all the time. No problem.

An exwife is not family.

An exwife is not family. :? :? :?

Really, how many posters her would be OK with BM and her husband/BF popping up at their homes to surprise the SKs :sick: :sick: :sick:

My relatives are free to pop in at anytime. My exDF can't.

You said adult skids. Yes

You said adult skids. Yes that is -at least- dads family. If we got along? I wouldn't have any problem with it. My next door neighbor has her boyfriend and ex husband over all the time. They all get along.

I agree with you on this.

I agree with you on this. When ex and I wete together, I never had a problem with his teen daughter or adult son coming over unannounced.

Many posters here have a call first rule in place. I don't think either is tight or wrong. It just depends on what works for each couple.

And anyways, the point of

And anyways, the point of this was to tell the story of the dhs family being on her side and ignoring their new baby, not showing up at the bms house, which they never even went inside. Y'all get so wrapped up in one detail that you ignore the rest of the story.

I did not miss the point of

I did not miss the point of the story. I have a different opinion than you. A very different opinion. Way different, vastly different.

Got it. Grand Canyon sized

Got it. Grand Canyon sized difference. Doesn't make your opinion correct.

Nor does it make yours.

Not at all. But I am looking

Not at all. But I am looking at the entire story and not just one line.

So am I. I am not focused at

So am I. I am not focused at all on the drive at all. Did not even mention it.

The only reason they didn't

The only reason they didn't go inside was because they were the ones surprised when they pulled up. Had his family not been there, he would have preceded with his passive-aggressive game.

I'm not ignoring the rest of the story. I think his surprise speaks volumes about the type of person he really is. That may explain why his WHOLE FAMILY continues to make the choice they make.

It didn't sound passive

It didn't sound passive aggressive. It sounds like they are civil and can be at each other's homes.

LOL Do you know how many

LOL

Do you know how many crazy BMs say the same thing about some of the silly stunts they pull?

Haha ok. Yeah it does look

Haha ok. Yeah it does look different from each side.

His family SEES them on

His family SEES them on Christmas Day. It's a wonderful thing.

Of course not. I don't

Of course not. I don't believe the family even knew they were there.

If he thought the surprise was a good idea, chances are he has pulled similar stunts in the past that that family is aware of.

I am very pro family first, blood is thicker than water....HOWEVER, I don't take part in or support passive-aggressive crap with family or friends.

His family continuing this tradition for 8 years post divorce is extreme. There has to be more going on here.

I've noticed that lately too

I've noticed that lately too with some of these threads. This site says StepTalk for stepparents, which means this site is for step-parents. But, I'm pretty sure there are just BMs (not step-parents at all and they have no clue what it is like to be a step-parent) with axes to grind posting here. AND, another problem is people who think it is okay to post 20+ times, their opinions over and over, and it is okay for them to challenge other people, BUT no one can challenge them, of course. It is just rude and hypocritical. I think, how bad does your life have to be to spend all that time posting 20+ times on one topic.

Both a full time stepmom and

Both a full time stepmom and full bio mom. And just got back from a beautiful day with my family. Fyi, in case you meant me.

It's weird to me that you/he

It's weird to me that you/he is mad that his family goes to his Ex's for Christmas Eve when that was his initial reaction the first year too. And no offense but bringing his new girlfriend to his first Christmas Eve Sans BM TO BM's makes him either really dim witted or passive agressive. Either way you can't get mad that y'all "caught" his family there since y'all went there too.

I get being aggravated they are STILL going over there but it's how they chose to spend their time so all you can do is accept their behavior for what it is and move on. I can't tell you how many times mutual friends of mine and BM's (most of them I've known longer) that choose to "hang out" with her. I call them snakes in the grass, but it's better to keep an eye on them than to let them sneak up on you. Keep in mind who they celebrate their holidays with when they come to your house asking about skid problems. If they aren't starting drama then I don't see why he's uptight about it.

grown? Does this mean the

:jawdrop: grown?

Does this mean the site should do away with the adult stepchildren forum then? You know thooooose ladies aren't 'real' SMs, right? When kids turn 18 SM turns into trolling BMs. }:)

So wait.... BM is "chummy"

So wait.... BM is "chummy" enough that it is just peachy for her ex husband to drop on by on Xmas Eve with his new wife, but somehow the inlaws are supposed to shun her???? Double standard much?

And he was "shocked" that they were having a party, when she has had that very same party for the last 17 FUCKING YEARS???? And his parents went every year?

Really? Why *magically* would he think she was not having it this year? Because HE was so important??? Oh, come on!

Your DH is either a nit wit, or he was planning on rubbing you in BM's face and lost his balls when he saw the whole family.

I'm normally all for family solidarity, but I gotta say on this one- if BM is decent and everyone gets along, he shouldn't begrudge the family continuing a tradition that sounds MUCH BIGGER than just being about DH. It sounds like the extended family comes. It's not just about him.

BM was very friendly and

BM was very friendly and reasonable at the beginning with DH. They were both flexible with the CO and if they needed help with staying late somewhere or a work trip they covered for each other. Divorce is so awkward and no one knows how to interact or whether to pick sides or how to not offend people. Going to the house was definitely overstepping but he had dropped in once or twice before with no issues (for a forgotten school project and not on a major holiday). He never dropped in again after that.

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In-laws spend every Christmas Eve at BM'S house

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